The previous post was written when i was feeling at my wit's end, feeling desperate, tired and no longer knowing what to do. therefore extremely emo. pardon me, i m not usually like tt. i m more rational and at least i know deep down i am a girl who is happy and desires happiness very much, I love and enjoy every single simple things in life. and i am able to find thanksgiving in all my circumstances, even in the toughest situation.

ya, but thanks alot all my frens who were there in one way or another, simple smses, greetings, phone calls, bring smile to my face and help me heal my wound a lil. indeed, love not time heals all hurt. we all need love in our lives. love from God, from friends, from family.. i am okay alrdy..

we had a good talk. and i got the answers tt i need. i will let time and ur action do the saying.. i will be patient and i will keep the faith in this friendship.. God called us to love, i have learnt that loving may not necc mean we may be as close as before anymore.. coz time changes things. but we must all be forward looking.. but when we love, we forgive all mistakes. and when we love, we will always be there for people, no matter what happens, no matter how hurt or sad we might be.. coz just like how Jesus gave selflessly, we too must learn to do tt (: and i hope u know i will be here for u always, if u need me. tt i was bitter and upset with how u treat me but no longer am. it's good we all learn to face truths in life, coz they make us stronger as we learn to deal with them. sometimes we think by not facing the truth, we will feel better. but it's not true. by hiding from the truth, we live in denial, we let imagination run wild, and then we acty feel more miserable. i thank carmen, for teaching me to see things from God's perspective.. to see the goodness in people who hurt us. coz when I do that, i find it hard not to forgive and i find myself having a greater heart to love. and i know it's coz of God's great love for the world and His people. i thank carmen for that phone call, it helped me see things so much clearer, from a perspective that is impt to me. i still believe that deep down in the heart of everyone, there's a spirit that cares. and ultimately people will return to those things tt are impt to them. maybe sometimes we cant see and may doubt, but give people time, it will show. in the last min of life, the most impt thing to a person would not be failures or achievements but relationships w people in his life, everyone tt has been there to go thru the journey of life tgt with him.. relationships with ppl are so impt. it's no wonder our great commandment from God is to love our neighbours as ourselves. we are all make up of a past, past which make us who we are today. we should never forget our past and the people who were there with us. The spirit of thanksgiving is very impt.. and that is what makes us human. people with a heart and soul. Just like my whole story of salvation and journey with God, i dun forget. I rmb vividly and i always give thanks to God for Him and for all the goodness in my life. I love God and coz I love Him, I will naturally love the people who He loves too. So don't forget people, don't take things for granted. coz I have learnt too, that what you don't cherish, you would lose. But don't be afraid to change coz it's never "too late". We can always act, we can always change, up till the day we die. coz everyday on earth is just a process, perfecting us to be more and more like Christ. The greater regret is not our mistakes, but to not change even after knowing our mistakes..

This year Christmas is an extremely blessed one. As you all know my mum objects to me going church greatly. But things have changed as I learnt to trust God and obey my parents. Yest, I was allowed to go cornerstone church for Christmas service. It is my 1st time ever since 3 years ago. And I was overjoyed even though I tried to hide my excitement in front of my mum when she gave me approval to go. When I left her, I wanted to shout and jump, and was throwing my fist into the air at the staircase! I immediately  gubble down my breakfast my mum has bought, went to my room, msg carmen, bathed and cab down! and I was sooo happy to meet carmen and so happy standing there in the congregation worshipping God, tears flood my eyes throughout as I rmb of God's goodness over my life, esp thru this year. coz it indeed hasnt been an easy year for me. That He is indeed a good God who honours His child who honours Him. and I enjoyed the drama! I was laughing so happily and they played one of my fav song "we are the reason" and the glow in the dark glove performance. So beautiful. I felt so blessed seeing waijia from 2 rows away. Felt so blessed seeing the cute kids of the pastors. felt so blessed as carmen tells me the story of Pastor Isaiah, a Muslim converted to Christian, how his uncle tried to kill him but the uncle's hands were stiff when the knife was near his heart and the uncle dint manage to kill him and he managed to escape. God was protecting him. Seeing Pastor Isaiah married to a chinese woman in church, and their daughter so adorable, carmen's fav. They are living miracles of our true and living God. And I believe in God's timing, he will receive reconciliation with his family, and the promise that when one in the household is saved, all will be saved. It will happen in his family.. And I shook hand with the woman who was in her critical stage and doctor deemed that she would die. But how she was brought back to life, after church people prayed hard for her! another miracle! Whole service was blessing blessing and more blessing. Don't you all believe that the God who created us, who created heaven and earth has the power to perform the impossible in our lives? Coz I believe with my whole heart, that with God, all things are possible! Then walking to parkway with carmen's cell grp leader and assistant leader. i cant believe they are so old when they look my age, that they are married to each other. carmen cell is such a huge bunch of nice ppl and i am so very happy to meet these ppl who have been such a great blessing over carmen's life. and so happy carmen has their support to grow strong. and elaine said to me: "God will write your love story too!" And I believe in that too.. Tt God He will indeed be the author of my love story (:

I went home had lunch with family! haven seen tao tao for so long, now bigger alrdy but still as cute. then slept and at night went party at sharon's house. i don't know a lot of them there. but i dunno why i feel very happy meeting new ppl yest night and playing games with them, hunter & bear, indian poker, drinking games, and I just feel so happy interacting and mingling with them.. it's been a long time really since i feel this joy. It's been a long time since I feel happy interacting with new people and don't feel the desire to want to leave after a while to go back to my own isolation. I always felt there was sth wrong, sth weighing my heart though i am happy with life, though many things in my life are going right. but after the phone call and getting my answer. i finally feel liberated from my burden. i feel i can move on properly this time. i hope this is not just a one day feeling, coz I really feel so abundantly happy and blessed the whole Christmas day! 2009 is going to end, but I really had lived well this year. 2010 will be a greater year, we will move from glory to glory! (:

Thank you kit for the christmas present and the card, for being so sweet. Thank you carmen for being more than a fren but a sister who is always there for me. Thank you zicheng for all ur sms and the godly advices I needed to hear. Thank you chuan and qi for msging me so often to check that I am doing ok.. Thank you noob for the phone call, for missing me and for the change.. Thank you wx for the long msn msg (: And thank you to frens who were there to love and comfort in one way or another..

I am really okay alrdy. I will be better. Xiu da chio will live happy and well, and love this life that God has given me. Yest Da jie asked if I were okay from my depressed mood, and I was feeling happy and so was smiling and I answered her "Yes of course I am, there's a season for everything!" and after tt I thought of what I said and I realize, yes I meant what I say. I am going to move on to another season in my life. I had my season of being in a rs, my season of breakup, my season of healing. Now I am moving into a season of using my singlehood to serve God! (: and i know each season will bring in itself new lessons and surprises! wait and see.. I will have good stories to tell.. And I find it amazing how Carmen always ask me to pray for holy forgetfulness, and today by chance i came across the username on my com, and I find myself not being able to recall the password at all! and I was like omg tt's damn amazing coz i try damn hard also cannot rmb. not tt i was trying to log in, but i just found it amazing how sth tt was with me for so long, i forget just like tt. and then i stop trying so hard anymore, and in fact i am a lil scared i try too hard then i would rmb again. i hope i will never ever rmb again. It's a hurt tt God has taken away and it's a past tt i will rmb but don't want to revisit again... coz i want to look forward to all the greater things in my life ahead..

And to my bestie for the past years since sec 3, claire neo! Happy 20th Birthday! A million love to you and a million thanks for all the times u were there with me! Things will be better for the both of us, and we will be here for each other through it all! Have a blessed day. coz like you always tell me, a great girl like u deserves all the happiness u can possibly get! Cant wait to see you on mon, I love you! (:



















And I hope everyone had a great Christmas! God's love for the world, Jesus, is the reason for this festive season (:  Thank you waijia for the reminder (:
http://kitesong.blogspot.com/2009/12/for-richer-or-poorer.html 
Merry Christmas everyone!

rained @ 4:49 PM

Sorry for being such an emotional wreck. i couldnt take it anymore. sorry for being such a wet blanket at the party. i dint intend to leave just like tt wout saying goodbyes. but it was too weird for me to go up again. Thank you chuan, dom, karann, ping, germ and sel for being there with me.. sorry for spoiling the party, but thanks for choosing to be there with me. thank you jem, liying and qi who msged me after tt. thank you claire, thank you zicheng. you all really made me feel better in one way or another. i never liked crying in front of others, but thanks for allowing me to do tt yest. thank you chuan for talking on the phone with me after tt, and making the whole night more bearable. Thanks for being there, coz i was afraid of being alone. Thank you for always assuring me and making me feel a whole lot better abt the situation and abt myself, knowing i am not alone, and tt u know how i feel, and tt u care. thank you chuan. i will really miss you when u go exchange and if u're not going to stay hall next year.

Ronald, thanks for ur sms. though it made me so upset. thanks for being honest. Maybe what u say is really the truth, something i've been so afraid to accept, coz it's hard to accept what u've known and believe all these years may acty just all be an illusion.. but if it really is, i have to come to terms with it. life has to go on, so much more things to look forward to. i must live well, with or without him. life is never fair. maybe like what jem told chuan, i'll just take longer, coz the one who gave more not only have to get over the loss but also whatever he/she has invested. i m tired of trying to justify things to make myself feel a lil better about things and abt u.. but when the truth hits me hard in the face, i crumple. time to face the truth, time to deal with it. no more escaping. i have escaped long enough. so just let tt be the truth, unless u bother to care abt this friendship and tell me otherwise. coz i m tired of trying so hard to find answers by myself for myself, when u should have been the one who gives me all the explanation. when u were the one who initiated the break. u dun owe me an apology coz i have alrdy accepted it but u owe me explanations. i m tired of trying so hard to keep this friendship, when u were the one who said it matters alot to you too, and u shld be trying hard tgt with me. but u know what, i feel so alone. and i know i cant clap with just one hand, and unless u r willing to reach out ur hand and work hard tgt with me, i dun wanna keep trying so hard anymore ok? coz it's making me feel like a loser, feel like a clown.. if that pleases you. Things appear ok doesnt mean they are ok OK? but u always take things for granted u always assume things are ok coz they appear to be, coz i sound ok or look ok, doesnt mean i m ok. and u dont bother to spare a tot for me, to think things from my point of view or even ask me how i've been, what i think or how i feel. when i have been trying so hard to think things from your point of view, to pray hard and ask God what to do, trying so hard to protect you, to make sure whatever i do is edifying towards you. but i am tired alrdy, really am.. and if u dun want to try, if u prefer to not face things, to live life in denial, and if u r really happier wout me, then i m sorry for being such a nuisance. I will make myself disappear from ur life..

rained @ 1:13 PM

christmas is coming, 2009 is ending..

mixed feelings. this year passes extremely fast..
i try to rmb all the happy memories, sad memories get pushed back to the back of my mind. coz i am never someone who likes to live in the realm of sadness..
i like to be happy, even if not for myself, for people around me. coz i never liked to see people ard me being sad, and definitely dun want the reason to be coz of me.. In some ways i m like my mum, i can sacrifice things just to make the people around me happy. yet at the end of the day, i find happiness in doing that, happiness in seeing others happy, and knowing how much my lil effort may make them feel better and happier abt themselves, it's all worth it.. but of course, sometimes i get weary, and sometimes the path can seem extremely loney, and during these times i would hope i have someone to walk this path with me, to share my burden and also in my happiness. coz happiness doubles and sadness halves when you have someone to share it with you. But still, when i find hard and find no one, i realize that God is still there, always there for me. the most faithful best fren, father and lover one could ever find. He's been so good so faithful to me, I know I can never find anyone like Him. That's why it's hard to leave Him, and settle for anyone who would not be able to love Christ as much as I do.. Who would not be able to bring out the best in me, the woman God wants me to be.. I wont lower my standard, coz I know very well what I am looking for.. I trust God I may find the one I have been looking for one day, and I know I would give my all to him, to make him the man God wants him to be too.. read waijia's blog, once she asked a missionary abt how she feels, and the missionary told her that even when they're away doing great things for God, the desire for a special someone to share their life with never ceases, but if they would to spend their time waiting for that someone to appear and miss the opportunity God presents to do work for His kingdom, they would live in greater regret.. Therefore I've learnt, what is most impt is living the way God wants us to live, and not how our heart rule our mind. coz joy ultimately comes from God and abundance of joy comes when we are obedient to Him. And singlehood it's really a gift from God, to explore and grow, something I will treasure. I'll always rmb God's promises that we should not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.. And it's His promises that keeps me going.. And God is the one who completes me.

And when we give, we often realize, we receive a bundle of surprise blessings, which makes us so happy. these few days, i really feel so bless to know how much my frens love and care for me. Knowing how much chuan, karann and dom teng2 me, really makes me feel so blessed.. It hasnt been an easy journey with them, i m glad to have them back in my life. i used to be very afraid of making close guy frens, but i thank God i managed to overcome the fear. now i have ry, i have ron and the 3 of them.. they are frens i treasure. and I realize at the end of the day, the frens who stay by my side are those who are willing to put in the effort to keep and maintain the friendship tgt with me. To me, frequency matters but more imptly, it's the effort that counts. And I really feel very lucky i have frens like them who cares so much. They give me comfort when I am growing so tired of focusing my energy on someone who doesnt seem to care as much. knowing there's so much more others who are willing to go extra miles just for me, it makes me question why i am torturing myself like that, maybe i should just heck care, but i cant bring myself to do it. coz it's so inconsistent of me, it wont be me anymore, i know it would be my pride. I know it's bad but sometimes i really cant help but compare and wonder if i am really demanding too much.. i really dunno.. no expectation? but if u dun have any expectation of someone, you probably alrdy gave up hope on tt person. and if tt happens, it would be really sad. they say we have to keep giving even though it may hurt, but am i really able to give that selflessly? coz i am growing tired of giving so much and feel like i am being taken for granted.. feel like there's no effort on ur part. and it really makes me question how much i mean in ur heart, as a friend, as a sister.. i need an answer, even if the truth is ugly.. coz by facing the fears and knowing the truth, may I be able to know clearer where to head, be less distracted and be focused on God's business in my life..

And for Qi thanks for being so understanding and am willing to change so much for me, to keep our friendship going. thank you qi for a heart that cares for me.. i treasure you, no matter what happens, knowing how much you treasure me too, it makes everything worthwhile, no matter how difficult it might be. i love you dear. i know everything we go thru, will just make us stronger and not break us, as long as we both continue to hang on tgt (: and i will hang on as long as you do. and for my many other frens, all whom i love.. thank you for being there for me and loving me.. i know i always say "i love you" but when i say it, i mean it..

This year hasnt been an easy year.. Yet I cant deny all the happy moments just coz of the sad moments. Arrival of my little nephew tao tao, Cambodia OCIP to COSI, mend broken rs with my family, met new friends who have been such a blessing to me, and found back many of those old friendships which i treasure.. I have learnt so much, grew so much. And i am thankful of that, that I went thru so much with God, grown so much closer to Him, learn and love more of myself. but how can i learn and grow if i do not go thru heartaches, if i do not go thru dark moments? How will I then learn to love and treasure happy and bright moments? How can i be able to sympathize with others and comfort others with the same comfort that God has given me if i do not understand what they go thru, coz all my life is smooth sailing? It's when we go thru valleys and conquered them, then we will understand that miseries in life are never there to crush us, but they are intended by God to make us stronger.. to become people who will love God more.. coz in every situation, there is a reason to worship.. and the reason is Jesus. The real reason to why we celebrate christmas..

2009, a fruitful year.. Experience God's miracles, grace, faithfulness, mercy, love and healing power. I know 2010 will be a greater year, coz my God He loves me and He will continue to bring me from glory to glory..

rained @ 4:25 PM

A time for every season.
I can hide for a while, but i cant avoid forever.
Experienced so much anxieties and reluctance in coming back to SG.
Not tt China was very fun. it was okay, at least I get to spend time with my parents. At least our rs improved and I know them a lil better. At least we did certain things tgt for the 1st time like singing ktv tgt. at least we get to share more common memories and funny experiences abt each other. At least I get to experience cold weather. At least I have chance and finances to go on a trip, which to me is a blessing. At least, i get the blessing to be able to buy certain necessities. at least, I met a tour guide who showed me how simplicity is a beauty. At least, i get a breather from things.
Read 2 books, kissed dating goodbye & eleven minutes.. learnt so much. watched a japanese show which to gor was stupid but to me so meaningful. experience emotions which I cant express. tears in the middle of the night which i have to hide from my family. never knew gor can break my heart so badly. So much thoughts, many i dunno what they mean.
No answers.
Feel weary.
Need to recharge.
Hope I can hide forever.
Hoping God will make all these feelings stop!
But knowing I have to face all of them..
And finally experience some peace on my flight back to SG.
I need the perseverance to carry those dreams through..
one day it will all make sense.
one day everything will have its answer.
wait and see. wait and see.. God has a plan for me.
Can't grow weary. God's mighty warrior can't grow weary.
I must continue fighting. Continue going, even if it means trudging on...
Dunno what I am talking just my thoughts, my feelings. Recently, I think I am becoming more and more complicated. I dunno is it me discovering more of me. or me becoming somebody who is not me.
I choose to believe it's me learning more about me.. And I must love and embrace all parts of me.
Ask me abt me. There's many part of me. The understanding mother, the imperfect girl, the faithful servant, the friendly girl-next-door, the simple-loving girl, the loner, the worrier, the passionate girl, the adventurer, the best fren, the complex thinker..

But would there really be someone who desire to know all part of me? Desire, yes I mean desire. just like how I desire for God, and God desire of me. Maybe people just choose to love some part of people, parts which they feel comfortable with. And when things turn uncomfortable, or across their comfort zone, they choose to turn away. That's not love. True love desires knowing all part and loving all part of somebody, no matter how imperfect it may be, how uncomfortable it may be. If you haven truly experience the intense of all emotions, coz you are afraid of letting yourself go the extreme. If you're afraid of loving coz u're afraid of getting hurt, of being sad, of experiencing pain, then you've not truly loved. you've not truly lived.

Why judge? Why set limits? Why set boundaries on things on people? I am afraid coz I feel I am already starting to set boundaries, on others, on myself. I am starting to lose faith. I am starting to grow weary. I am starting to feel disappointed, not with God. With things, with people. And I need God to salvage me. To renew my strength, to renew my hope, to renew my faith, to renew my love, to renew my trust in Him that He will make all things good..

I dun want to just be a machine of the society, going thru routines. I need to live. My purpose, greater than the exciting activities going ard me which I enjoy. I am plodding. I am discovering. Where will I go, I dunno. But I know God is at the end of that tunnel, offering me light. May I find my light soon. The glow which all can see. good night.

rained @ 3:53 AM

Flying off to china in another day. And i can't wait. I love Singapore but I just need this break so badly. Just want to hide and be away for a while, in the comfort of my family, away from people and things. Just want to be a hermit sometimes. Need my rest so that I can come back refreshed. Just like how cambodia provided me rest. My heart needs a rest..

SEP.. I am on waiting list. I know God is never a stingy God. But I was still sad, a lil disappointed, when I saw the email, though i prayed hard for the heart to trust before I open that email. Cant help it but I still trust God fully. But it made me think. Waijia and her marathon run, God wants to use our disappointment to let us check our attitude. So I asked myself once again. Why, exactly Why am I so bend on going? I knew there was sth wrong with my attitude because of the many things that run through my head everytime I think of being away from Singapore for 6 months.. But God knows them too and He knows them better than me and I know he wants to teach me something.. Is it just an unfulfiled dream which I am holding on stubbornly? Is it because of that same old reason that I still want to hide from, that I still hold on to from time to time? And even that stupid fantasy, which I'm glad is no more! And i realize all my reasons for wanting to go exchange aren't really valid.. yes it's a desire, a strong desire, to travel, to be alone in a foreign land, to see new things, to learn new things, to meet new people, new culture.. But what if God wants me to give all these up.. Am I willing to? Coz these things if I give up, I can find a greater fulfilment elsewhere. I am struggling recently. Struggling with a bigger heart to love and accept things and people. And thinking about the expenses of going exchange it breaks my heart. To think of how I can acty use that same money to go on cambodia at least a few more times to do something for God's kingdom, it makes me feel like giving up exchange totally. To think of how I can donate those money to someone else to change their life, it makes me feel that my desire to go on exchange is a selfish one.. To think of how I can release that financial burden off my parents who are in their old age, considering the extra burden of my brother who is coming to uni next year, I want my brother to have a chance to stay in hall or even buy a 2nd hand car so he can save all the trouble of travelling, and I dun want him to give up these just because mummy daddy cant afford coz I am away on exchange. These thoughts abt my parents and bro makes me want to give up my wish to go exchange.. But I still just want to hang on a lil more to just try my application a few more times so that I may be clear of what God's plan really is for me. To know why he allowed me to go thru disappointment, so many times, to know what exactly He wants for me in my life.. Coz I know it may just be a one in a life time opportunity for me and never again will I have the chance to go back to my schooling years to go overseas to study, i dun want to live with such regret, by giving up my opportunity to even apply, just because of my fear of disappointment. Still struggling but I am trusting Lord. Please let your plans be clear to me, please change my stubborn heart, to be open to you and the plans you have for me. I know what you have for me is only for the BEST, nothing but the best. I just want to surrender everything into your loving hands, Lord. Amen.




So till I come back on the 20th, bye people! (:

rained @ 11:47 PM

Been busy and tired, physically...
It's no joke shuttling to and fro home and hall, and also travelling around spore meeting frens.
But it's time like that I realize how huge a BLESSING it is for me to be able to stay in hall during term time. It's something not to be taken for granted for.
Only 3rd day of IHG training but the team alrdy met so much problem. And for myself, really feel the inadequacy of relying on my own strength to lead a team.. It's more than people swimming to win the gold. It's the experience ppl gain and the bond forge. I think I need to do more as a captain.. Kenneth been a really nice partner to work with so far, can really feel his passion as a captain. Though both of us are rather lost? I thank God I still have seniors around guidng us. It sure is a different experience being a sports leader and an event organiser. Somehow u must be more fierce pierce to ur team, grill them.. but I find tt a lil difficult, which makes my team a bit Nua? I dunno, qi feels like tt too. diff style of leadership? Too little miss nice? haha! i dunno, still learning...

Today, met ruiyang, met chormin and even bumped into charlotte!! brought ry to new food places and brought cm to equinox, where carmen brought me tt time (: but dint regret going down for evening prayer meeting (: saw cell saw shiming and i am so happy! hadnt really been happy coz of things tt happened here and there but thank God for pillow, who hug me as I just cry and whine yest. Thank you, really love u loads dear. and thank you God for ronald koh BFF. Dint say much yet u seem to know my tots and tt makes me smile. Somehow ur simple sms-es never fail to cheer me up. Thank you best fren.

And yes, so prayer meeting. Prayed with shiming by my side. and it's so good, so very good. pray for myself, for forgiveness, for a bigger heart to love, for family, for Christmas, for church, for me not to grow weary, for me to keep running for God, for shiming, for breakthrough in both our lives, in cell grp & connect grp. I feel shiming's burden and I just am so glad to have a sister like her to encourage me, to speak words into my life and to know she knows what i am going thru as her eyes flood with tears when she saw mine flood. Thank you Lord for frens. and for chingfeng, for his sincere words to me, it's okay tt u've been busy chingfeng, i've been too and i know you care.. I realize eye contact with someone when u talk is so impt, to me at least. it shows alot into the person's heart.

And not all of us are born perfect. waijia with her flatfoot ran the half marathon
http://kitesong.blogspot.com/2009/12/flat-and-fleet.html
It inspires me to want to challenge myself too. Am always afraid of perspiration and the fatigue from running. that's why I always prefer swimming coz I cant really feel my perspiration and i dun really feel tired swimming. I've been swimming since young. It came to a point in secondary school that I started to dislike swimming. it was a chore to me to go for swimming trainings. and i always feel inadequate being one of those slower swimmers behind yiwen and even the younger girls like emily and samatha.. I stopped swimming kindda completely, except for representing swimming meets for TJ. But things kindda change ever since I knew God. Even competition in JC felt different, coz I knew God was with me throughout the whole race. That even without training with the swim team, I could get a 5th position in school nationals, which to me is quite a wow, seeing I did better than my personal best even though I dint train for years, and only warmed up minutes before the competition..

And somehow back in hall I finally found back my passion and maybe confidence in swimming. no longer feel like i am weak, inadequate or lack of strength when I swim. I enjoy swimming. maybe it's coz it's amazing how a lousy swimmer like me in my swimming club can be like a queen of swimming in Temasek Hall! Hearing people exclaim "OH! The girl who made Amos Shag!" and all kinds of comments which make me sound like I am some sort of legend when there are girls swimming faster than me. Now everytime I swim I feel as if God was giving me strength.. I used to think of all means to slack last time in swimming club. turning at 45m mark, swim slowly so that I can rest for a few laps, pulling the lane ropes, keep getting out of the pool to refill my bottle and hiding in the toilet... But now, I don't like to and don't want to slack. Dom was like "You swim drill alrdy swim so fast, then your real swim must be damn fast!" and I was like "No, acty I was like chionging", saying while panting. and I really was! I was giving my 100% even though it was just a drill. And what I said to Dom made me wonder, and I realize training really took on a different meaning to me alrdy, since last time. And I think it's coz I find happiness in this new God given strength and endurance by God to complete my training. Knowing with God I can do all things, I no longer am afraid to give my 100% best in all the sets, not afraid that the sets later will make me tired and that I will not have sufficient strength to complete them. You can say, I no longer put a limit to my strength or compare myself with others and feel inadequate.. And therefore no more self fulfiling prophecy.

But it's a different story for runs. After reading waijia's blog, I really feel like challenging myself to run for nike, sundown and std chartered next year. To not be afraid of slopes, to not be afraid of runs, to not be afraid of the distance. Coz honestly, now, I do feel a lil fear, which I dunno when it began to develop. Coz I was never really like tt in JC.. Used to be always one of the faster runners but now, I really dunno why.. I cant seem to run or convince myself that I am a fast runner anymore.. I dread running and pangseh everytime hall ppl jio for a run. Maybe it all started because of laziness, but now it's sth I avoid. I think t's time I start to face and conquer this fear...

And none of us is really perfect, not inwardly and definitely not outwardly. Who are we to say we deserve this or that? In the first place it's God who gives us our body, and what is imperfection in our eyes is beautiful in His eyes. If God our creator loves it so much, it makes no sense not to love ourselves and all that we have.. I have a scar on my nose for a stupid incident which I will rmb for life and I thank God the scar faded even though it is still visible, but I have come to accept it as part of me. I have a ugly butt which we don't want to go into detail haha! tan marks of swimming costume all over my body and they'll not go away no matter how long i stop swimming. And I have ugly finger nails too coz I have been biting my fingers since young, a habit I always been trying to change.. But yes, learning to accept and love myself for these imperfections. And if not for God's love for me and acceptance of me, I know I wont be able to do it. And I really want to thank God coz I have really been loving myself more ever since my break up, and I hope one day I will be a confident woman where no storms of lives can tear me down or make me doubt myself so badly, ever again..

And that brings to me my point. I just met a fren yest, a new found fren acty but a very nice fren. she told me me abt her esteem issues coz of her born defect and how it affects her past relationships. I hope she knows I think she's beautiful. I really think she is, the first day she stepped into class. I tot she looked pretty naturally even though she doesnt put on any make up and even though she doesnt put on contacts.. And I love her for always being such a honest girl who is never afraid to be truthful about her feelings and all those around her. I hope she will learn to accept and love herself one day too.. It's also through her I see that it really makes no sense for any woman, including myself to not love ourselves. And recently, when I think of this, I think of my mum and the joy she feels when I was born. And the tears she shed for me while I was growing up and the love that she has for me. Coz it's like a cycle. I see it in my sister's interaction with tao tao. It's amazing, how God uses all these life cycles and people around us to teach us lessons about ourselves.. So woman, love yourself. Coz it really makes no sense not to, if you know how much your mum and how much God loves you, just the way you are, with all your perfect imperfections.. (:

rained @ 2:44 AM

2 emails made my day! 


Dear Yingxiu,

Hope you are doing fine and your exams went well.

I was going through a friend who recently carried donations from Blessings in a Bag (BIAB) to Cambodia and brough back pictures of kids using the stuff he brought along. Unfortunately, BIAB could not get the pics from Philippines but I though the below mentioned album would give you a good representation of smiles you have brought to people :D
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=131480&id=725506861&l=17350f1fa4

Thanks once again!

-Give.sg

Small acts like tt may mean a great deal to someone else! (:
Thank you Sarah for shopping for the stuff tgt with me!
And seeing the pics, I cant wait to head back to cambodia to see my COSI kids! (:


   
I hope we can work something out and that I can volunteer once in a while even after school starts...

And meeting jan and evadne today made my day too! (:
Love you all my jey meis. Enjoyed basking at the beach, under the sun, camwhoring tgt with the 2 of you as we catch up on our lives!
All of us have grown and mature..
Meet you all soon after my China trip!!
Busy girls please let's meet more often ok?? (:










































And also to my butties, who are both overseas! (:
And Qi! I love you girls too (:
And am glad to have you all in my life or back in my life! (: 

rained @ 9:24 PM

It's been 2 year alrdy since I volunteered at Assisi with carmen and michelle... Though the journey is long, I miss the kids... I rmb the long bus rides and mrt rides back home from Bishan after seeing these kids, which will always leave me in deep thoughts about life, about God, about death, about love, about these kids... I wonder how each and everyone of them are are doing... whether they are still around... I want to go back... I rmb seeing kenneth at kopitiam tt day, while I was with his family. And I saw the little boy, who I loved with his family, all happy and well. and I realized how much joy you can bring to someone just being alive.. and the surprise came when he said he could rmb me (: Guess that's one of the greatest joy of being a volunteer or a teacher, to know you've left a footmark in someone else's lives, however small it might be..

These kids, each with a story, which many would feel they do not deserve, not for their young age, and may even want to offer sympathy. Yet these young kids do not need sympathy, they are stonger than we think.They play, run, shout and are upset just like any other kids. Their sickness doesnt bother them, it doesnt steal away their childhood or their joy away from them. And through them I saw how simple happiness can be. I saw how minute I am compared to them, simple joys which I fail to treasure.. They have taught me so much more than I have ever taught them. I miss them... But to someone who cant commit fully now, will they want me? I dun want to be a irresponsible volunteer, coming to their lives and leave the moment we feel attached to each other. Maybe I should wait.. till I am ready to commit.. Meanwhile I pray that God will take care of these lovely little angels who have left such a great impact in my life..

rained @ 2:47 PM

i cried twice yest. but this time it's no longer over a guy. it's still over love. but different kind of love.

First, over my mum. Reading one more day.. hx says it's not as good as his other 2 bks tues with morrie or five people you meet in heaven. but i feel so blessed. as if it was speaking to me. of how much my mum loves me. of the things my mum hides from us, so that we may be happy. i know she endured alot as a child, as a mother, as a wife.. and it's only now tt i grow older that i am beginning to see them bit by bit. i am glad i dun have to wait till i die like charley before i am given a chance to see. but certain things, i guess i may not know this lifetime. but maybe God will make it all known to me one day. but the book it just taught me how I must treasure my mum more. Many occassions i think i have failed to stand up for her, thinking she do not undstd me. but failing to try to undstd her. May i learn to do tt more, just like how she has stand up for me in ways tt i do not know, to protect and love me.. i love mummy, i really do.

Second, over wayne. not that he broke my heart or anything. but just felt so fortunate i have him as my cgl. and certain things in life we take for granted. until we lose them. things we think are constant. we think it's only natural, things which we think will never disappear. but nth in life is. we may just lose them overnight and sometimes we do not even know tt we've lost them until much later. and then feel like we're such a fool. ignorant. fail to care. but still i m glad i managed to tell him everything tt i feel. and his reply back to me, it made me cry. i love and miss e406 alot, i really do. for the many times u all stand by me and fight alongside with me, thank you.. my spiritual family it really feels so much like a family to me..

:) now tt i have finished one more day, i m starting on kiss dating goodbye! and i know it'll bless me tremendously.. I suddenly love reading! imagine the no. of good books i have missed out coz of pure laziness! it's a joy to be able to read. to even have the time to do tt, i realized. (: off to meet shihui who's back in SG for break! and play my role as tanlinxin! love the girls though i was hardly from their clique. haha! holiday's good, will be better! bye!!

rained @ 2:03 PM

Learnt how selfish i have been. so preoccupied with myself. failed to take a better look at the hurts of all those around me, esp since they are ppl who i hold so dear. all the times i spent crying over the loss of my own selfish desires and trying so hard to avoid things. i could have used those times better.. I could have done so much more. but it's over. no point crying over spilt milk. But I thank God for opening up my eyes. This day on, i will treasure my cell grp more and not take things for granted.. All the times when I have received, it's time for me to give. Affairs of the heart, it's too scary, too distracting... Not going to make it as if it's something which I cant live wout anymore, coz it's seriously not. so much more things which I love and treasure, they deserve so much more of my attention. I am going to fix my eyes on God and trust in His every step planned out for me. If there's really a right man for me out there, he'll come someday. but for now, I have decided to kiss dating goodbye...

rained @ 9:07 PM