Candlelight service was amazing..
So was zc'c cell thanksgiving.. esp the night activity.
I am really so thankful that zc's cell is always so welcoming of me and they always make me feel at home.
The night activity, we did a booklet out of an A4 paper and drew pictures of diff events at diff stages of our lives that define us and went round to share..
I was so blessed by the session. So many of them went through difficult things at such young age-abuse, death, violence etc. In contrast, my environment has been so sheltered since young. My difficulties seem to fade in contrast to theirs, many of them have been through things much worse than mine. I was deeply encouraged by their courage and faith.
I saw how diverse God created us to be, our character, our personality, our life circumstances. I was amazed to learn of how different we all are. Yet a unifying theme in our sharing was how God reached into our lives, how our lives changed for the better when we accepted Christ and how our past shape us into who we are today. No doubt following Christ is not a bed of roses, but we all are in a better position than we used to be.
It was such a meaningful session, to know one another, to minister to one another. It was far more meaningful than bonding through games or random talks. It was through trust in one another and acceptance and forgiveness of our past through Christ that we may be able to share our lives with a group of people. It was such a close and deep fellowship, I was truly blessed by it :)
Such opportunity is rare and I do treasure it. I hope I will be able to have the opportunity to do this with my cell someday. I feel there's so much more I want to know of each of them. But sometimes it's hard to break the ice, and such activity allows the opportunity to do so. Looking forward to such an opportunity someday :)

Random sharing that I rmb deeply..

1) Do not lose hope when you feel you are alone. For as long as there is a flicker light, it has the ability to light up the whole world, like what we witness in candlelight service.

In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven. - Matt 5:16

2) How our life circumstances make us even more sensitive to the word of God. I could not remember the messages that Pastor preached sometime back, but people were able to share the messages because those were the words that spoke to them/of their situation, hence they can remember them. Like how we can be alone and not lonely, but how we can be lonely even when we are in a crowd, because loneliness in an interior attitude while being alone is not.

3) How blessed I truly am to have a complete family and how God has indeed poured so much blessings into my life

4) How God could through our persistence in going to church even when we feel like giving up, to speak to the people we want to reach out to..

May I always remember this special moment :)
Goodnight!

rained @ 3:49 AM

It's time for me to go Taiwan. But I can't bear to leave, things I have in Singapore even though it's just a short 8days. Dear.. It may be one of our worst quarrels yest. Fear of losing grips me like anything. What if I lose it again, my spoilt self that's always demanding. But God is good, His promises I hang on to. And today our relationship felt stronger because we overcame. I would not watch the movie with anybody else. 那些年我们一起追的女孩。it taught me sth, and it taught u sth too. Our past haunts us time and again. But we are each other's lost love that we found back, and it's not going to be the same as before. Let's have greater faith in God and in each other. Thank you for giving ur best to me, and always wanting to be even better for me. Love is not measured by the amount of gifts or luxury, but every effort and simple things, that you did for me, especially in your lack these things become all the more precious and true to me. Better a meal of vegetables where there is love than a fattened calf with hatred. Prov 15:17

And my mummy.. The past few months have been trying for her. My heart breaks for her. I know whatever the Lord allows her to go through is good for her, I just pray that it would not be so painful, that she will be able to overcome. That in her brokenness she may find you Lord..Enlarge my capacity too, to be more focus and seek you even more. To have the courage to fulfil the plans you have for me right here in this place. To mould and change my character, to be more mature and more like you.

Going to Taiwan. I love the feeling of being overseas. But I have learnt over the years too, Lord taught me.. That it's not that impt after all. The novelty people seek in overseas trip,SEP.. Cos there are alrdy many beautiful things around us, that we take for granted when always seek out the "greener pasture". Being able to go overseas is a privilege and a blessing that the Lord gives, but even without it life doesn't become any worse. Simplicity is beautiful. Contentment is the way to happiness. So, while I may feel I can't put down things here in SG, I m also thankful for this opportunity to take a breather and be at Taiwan. First time I dun feel overwhelmed with excitement about overseas trip, just a feeling of calm and gratefulness. I trust the Lord to take care of my mummy for me, and I know I can count on er jie and dear too. while we are in Taiwan. Thank you Jesus I trust in you, grant us journey mercy and teach me sth thru this trip again, which I can share w dear when I get back. Amen.

rained @ 2:39 AM

I am a controller, a silent controller. I have expectations for people, especially for people I care about. And when expectations are not met, I feel disappointed, very disappointed. Up to the degree of self righteousness. I could act like i dont care, psycho myself to believe i dont care, say i dont care, just to mask my disappointments. And those feelings would affect my rs with these people. But, in the first place, why these expectations? Because i am selfish and always look within myself, want to glorify myself instead of putting God first. If God is first, I would not act according to impulse, I would not have outbursts at people, would not have so much unhappiness within me, wouldn't I? I am a silent controller, I need to learn to stop controlling people within myself. To let go!!! To learn to be expectation-free. To see things from people's perspective. To not assume the worst but the best in people. To love people genuinely, without expecting anything in return. Because it's so hypocritical to act and not feel the same. How to be genuine, for my actions, speech and feelings to be in sync. I realize it's a huge thing I struggle with... Jesus please teach me how to be genuine, to put on the belt of righteousness..

rained @ 10:23 PM

I have learnt so much through all these trials and tribulations. And I still rmb John's bevere msg on relentless.. Abt stop seeing trials as sufferings but joy to partake in His kingdom's purpose. Dynamics in my family is changing. We are communicating more. We have to change when situation throws us in such disarray that we have to act. Which otherwise we may be too complacent or fearful to act when things are peaceful. But the fear of losing, the faith of promises of God that will come to pass, the hope of love for my family and I.. These keep me going on.. To keep my hope alive and not be weary.. We must persevere and we must persevere long enough.. Shiming says to me.

Through all the tears, I found Jesus to be my most stable rock. Through my anxiety, I know how Jesus is the only one who could offer me peace. Through desolation, I saw who are the people who truly care. I learnt how loving someone is not just about the lip service which in our time and technology is so prone of doing, because of Facebook and smses. Social media have stolen away from us the personal touch which a phone call, a card, a meet up could do. Through this period, the friends who truly touch me are those who went out of the way, who not just talk the talk, but walk the walk. Who not just did what they said but went way beyond what was expected.

I saw the love my mum receives from her frens, frens who have been together for decades and still meetup biweekly. And that truly makes me envious of their generation. Love is about being physically and emotionally present, about doing practical things, about acts of service. It's not an act of obligation. For friends who truly went out of the way, to press into my life and love me despite my absence, even when i least deserve to. Thank you. For being understanding when I have to cancel on our meetups time and again because of things that crop up. thank you. I thank God for the love I receive during this period. I cry very much lately, many times not cos of the difficulty of the trials God is putting me through. I have hope. I cry because I moved by the love and grace of God and all the love He has given to me thru the people around me, in the midst of my trial. I cry in heartache of my mummy, in prayers of how I can be a better daughter and lover for her.

God can use me, God sure can. I know that I know that I know, at the end point, I will see my family with me, worshipping and serving God together, basking in His love for us, for eternity.

I love you mummy, my strong and beautiful mummy.

rained @ 12:52 AM

Love hate relationship with hospital.
Mummy heart rate please come down. I m so worried. Please pray for her.... :(

rained @ 12:35 AM

Why does this examination battle feels soooooooooooooo extremely long!!
HANG............IN............ THERE.......... TAN......... YING............. XIU!!!!!!!!!!!
This platform serves as a good way for me to destress.. 



This song on repeat mode on youtube as I study the past few days. Cos the song is so super nice! But I can't seem to rmb the lyrics and catch the tune fully even though I listen to it countless time. And cos I could not stand waiting after the exams and finished reading the story on my phone (there's free app to download the story!) during my rest times. And cos I can't wait for dear's exams to finish to catch the movie together!!!

I would think that my own love story is also quite a memorable one. I guess those memories when we were still young is always bittersweet.. 1st taste at heartbreak and liking somebody.. as the author said 不圆满但很踏实的句点。But it's all the past memories and the journey of searching that makes me treasure my current relationship with zicheng even more. That is why I choose to watch this movie with him even though my fren said it's better to not watch with boyfren so we can reminisce the past. While the story focuses on their high sch relationship, it was the ending of seeing the girl married to the man whom she'll love and spend the rest of her life with that's the most impt. Because it completes the past, and we shld always move forward in search of our happiness and not live in the past. And those people we had memories with will always stay as good frens, as we cheer each other on towards our own happiness. I like the story cos it makes me feel that perhaps all the grudges that might still residue in my heart are truly gone this time round. Even if there might be change in the friendships or as we become frens who may no longer contact. They'll all become memories of my life and I know all these lost rs will reconcile in the eye of eternity. And I look back now and no longer feel unfair or sad, but just an indescribable feeling of memories and well wishes? That everything that happened is just all part of my own beautiful love story with the man of my life :)

Alright, enough of my thoughts. time to head back to the book! 3 more days, I Can Do This! (:

rained @ 1:35 AM

Whatever psychological disorders I learn, it's important to not diagnose for the sake of labeling and always remember to understand the context of the child. Each child is unique.

rained @ 11:37 PM

The way to a friend's house is never long.

Thank you Sen Gareth! :) Came to my place just to pass me this.
Filled with warmth and encouragement for my exams :) especially the fact that you stay in choa chu kang!!
Jia you studying for exams too!! Let's ace the exams, for God!!

It's just 5 more days but motivation at an all time low! Come on Tan Yíñg Xiu! U can surely do this with the strength of God! Dear is right that it is the last 500m of my marathon.. But I m choosing to walk and slow down!! Cannot!! Time to run and end the race well.. Come on!!!

Can't wait for my exams to end and i think tt is a huge factor for my inertia! Just keep thinking abt my after exams plan! Move out of hall, apple of my eye, meet up w a few frens, spend the little time I have w dear and mummy before flying to Taiwan!! Finish up my Inflection before candlelight, and then Christmas and end of 2011! Year is coming to an end sooner than I imagine.

It has been a good year, though there's huge ups and huge downs. In half a year's time, I be in NIE, drawing a salary, very much like working. And there's burden in growing up.Managing my finances, saving up for my future, looking at marriage, my turn to take care of mummy and daddy. All is very new and somewhat intimidating. I still feel like a small girl sometimes, going to OG to buy my undergarments w mummy and having them pay for my meals and take care of all my needs.. But very soon I am going to enter a new season in my life, learning to be somebody else's wife, to be supporting my ailing parents. and I better be ready, like the ants who are always storing up.. before I m thrown off guard when all these happen.

I can think abt all this during my time alone in taiwan. For now, back to the books! Please bring me thru God. Cos I feel inconfident yet filled w lethargy. Give me strength to end off well!! It's just 5 more days!!! Be back soon to update, till then Jia you every soul who are struggling w exams! :) we can conquer it! :)

rained @ 10:21 PM

Such a nice song! i think I hear it many times just keep playing it! Haha! What a brave girl, Selina! (: Happy that she's finally getting married and that her fiancee stood by her! Gonna miss S.H.E, all their songs which accompany me through my sec sch days and that I always sing at kbox! (: w my JEY meis and butties! reminiscence!!

Hm, just wanna talk about my prev week.

Mon, was positive psych presentation, it was scary to see the classmates set the benchmark so high! make me feel that our presentation was very mediocre. But I dint wanna think about it, just as long as we did our best right! love you girls.

Tue I got back my early lang paper, I dint do very well. 25 percentile, at least not last in class, zicheng encouraged me. But it still felt horrible. I constantly worry if I am going to make it through. Entering into honours is a huge step of faith for me, I knew it was going to be difficult. I asked God for it, cos I know I was not ready for NIE, it's not my time yet. I am not prepared, I still want to learn more in psych in NUS. I want higher starting salary so that I can have a better life w zc next time, provide more for my parents and more imptly, to give more to help in advancing God's kingdom. And God blessed me with my honours, and revealing to me why I got A+ and not A even though both are of the same Cap score. The cross in A+ is the reason why, Jesus will be with me in my honours year, and 2 of it, it's not chance, it's His confirmation. tears and gratitude streamed down my eyes, God is so good to me. I used to be dependent on zc to edit my essay, cos I always feel inadequate with what I've written, but not this sem. Cos I realized I cannot keep depending on him, plus his honours mods are heavy too. I know this time it's my own battle and obstacle to overcome, to learn to trust what I have written and to trust God fully. So even though my heart is filled with fears and inadequacies many times this sem, I am still doing my best and trusting Him. I try not to compare with my classmates, I walk away from where I know I will feel inadequate, from where I know it's no used comparing. I know I have to walk my own walk at my own pace, not look left or right, just right in front at God. That my priorities are different from my friends, that I have God, church, cell, family, zicheng, friends, my visitation kids who are more impt than my studies. Trust Him that what He gives me He will also provide for me, abundantly.

Wed was deepavali, after lunch and grocery with zc, I went home to Wendy my cousin visiting our place. So sweet of her to drop by and made a card for my mum, sincere heartfelt blessings. We went over to visit her place. It was a small HDB but lovely one. I really admire her even though relatives may sometimes say she blur blur tu tu one, but even though her parents are rich, she's never those who's proud about it. Instead, she lives a simple life and is even okay not having wedding ceremony/dinner, but her parents insisted and she conducted it 1-2 years after her solemnization. So her place was small but cosy. A family both of them built tgt. Near her husband's parents place, near ah po's place (her dearest grandmother who passed away last year).

Thurs, WASI presentation, visitation to my lovely kids :D, chiong my essay, dear who surprised me w supper and encouraged me! (: 3h of sleep...

Friday was a chiong day of submissions & lessons! but just want to THANK GOD He saw me through. How would I have made it without Him, all cos of my procrastination but His grace saw me through. I managed to rehearse the presentation with my grp mate till 1.30, complete my essay by 4. Thanks to Laura for meeting me at central lib to help me submit my paper, chiong into class 10 min late but just in time for my presentation. after lesson, managed to reach raffles city before nich arrived, happy bday Nich! (: u r like my lil bro, since our tuition days when I was in JC. thank you for always pressing into my life, even though I know how difficult it might be. When I was not in church and you would always ask me to join and I would always reject, till I felt irritated. But looking back, I am thankful that because of u, I was still connected to church in some ways (: U need lotsa quality time but I am always so busy and not making time for u, I know how horrible a friend/sister I can be at times. i will try to spend more time w u. Love you! and finally saw sze!!

Sat, went for Circuit training. I gonna miss the girls I work out with. I like them, maybe cos they make me feel young and alive. Their enthusiasm with their sports, their sisterly bond with each other. Their smiles and laughters over little jokes. Talking to Tricia about God and all. I guess I just really like the feeling of meeting and talking to new people, hearing their stories and knowing them. Haha it feels like there's 2 sides of me. sometimes I feel like I am a wanderer, throw me at any random place and I can fit in perfectly well, make new friends experience new things, no awkwardness. In fact I enjoy it. A stranger and a friend, not a close one, a loose friend. But I am fine with it, cos I am a wanderer. That is my OGL side, my camp, my hall side. But there's another side of me that needs to be grounded. I need God, I need my family, I need a guy who loves me and understands me, I need a group of close friends with me wherever I may be, I hate clubbing, I can be totally disconnected from hall activities because I know it's of no priorities to me in my life.

I guess the 2nd me is the me I choose to be, even though the 1st me has so much appeal and draw. I know I will happier being the 2nd, because the novelty and fun of being in the 1st will pass away. But the 2nd keeps me grounded to reality, to my purpose on Earth, to serve, to have strong valuable relationship, not frivolous ones. But I guess that part of me that enjoys meeting new people and talking to them will always be there, I see it as something good acty, it was what drew me into teaching. I know Gor used to question me, so what's my definition of friend? My deifnition of friend sounds so cheap. Who are my best friends? It's a hard question for me to answer, cos I will have so many answers!! For me, I guess, I just make different groups of close friends in diff phase of my life. Some grows closer, some drifts, others seldom meet yet I know they're there. Sometimes I am envious of people who have a close core group of friends which stuck with them from sec sch all the way, yet I rmb to count my blessings. For I may not have a close group of clique, but I do know I still have many good friends I can count on, and I have a loving boyfriend who will always be and promises to be my bestest friend forever (:

And after circuit, met keng to buy nich's present. Thanks for rushing down from sch dear, blur me for always assuming. And then rushed for dinner with the rest! just in time not late for service. and church! (: There's not one session in church that I would not tear, feels like a cry baby sometimes. But it's always when I rmb of good God is to me, of how He brought me back to church by giving me my breakthrough with mum, by comparing times back then in JC and now. How fearful I was that I would literally tremble, feel weak at my knee and heart popping out everytime I had to confront church with mum till now, being able to enjoy the freedom of going to church in her acknowledgement. Without having to receive 80+ miss calls, of constant fear of being beaten and threats, of guilt of lying and covering up. I know I know God allowed me to go through everything to strengthen my faith. If He has let things been so easy for me, I would have easily stumble on my faith and not hold on to it so dear. But it was through trials and tribulations that I learnt how precious my faith is and I would never give it up. I know everything will work together for the good. I know you will see my family through. I know the breakthrough will come. Who are you that you should lie? You are God and there's no need to, your promises will come to pass. When one in the household is saved, all will be saved.

Arise and build. Another great season for our church. Lord, speak to me on the amount you want me to pledge Lord, and give me the finances and means to fulfil it. Pastor is returning to the basics. Loving God, loving people (: Yest, was one of the few rare times I get to hug my cell members and I really like it. Somehow, I always am not ard when there's a chance to go round to hug my cell, I seem to be with zc's cell many times. but of cos I love his cell group too, they're really nice to me, like my another cellgrp, praying for me, inviting me to their events and always asking me how I am whenever they see me. Went home after service after celebrating nich's bday. Hm, although sometimes it feels like I miss out on alot of CG bonding, esp when they always watch late night movies. I know as much as mummy trusts me more now, I still should not abuse it and should still try to get home early. I am thankful that cell understands and would still make effort to bond w me, despite my low attendance in CG events.

Today, critique! Hm, it's really like I have a lack of points! but hope it'll turn out well! And I can finally steal some time to rest and blog. Tmr onwards, We need to talk about Kevin!! 2 weeks to read a book and 3000 word essay, plus start revising for exam which is in 3 weeks. Had dinner at kenny rogers with family, early celebration of my bday cos Mummy chemo starting thurs. 4 cycles of 21 days. I have no idea how it'll be for my family, I pray we will emerge stronger through it all. Even though dinner has relatively fewer people, er jie and qian jun not there, somehow feels incomplete. But yes, Tan family will stay together through it all!

Lotsa deadlines, stress from sch work, from life, for everybody.. 大家加油!! Soon exams will be over! Looking forward to Taiwan trip, though feel bad leaving mum behind. and that wont be ard w dear. But I guess it's time for me to go on my retreat and self reflection trip. Dint have time for long trip cos of my special sems, not tt I dint enjoy the 4 malaysia trips I had! (: but last time I had my reflection trip was in back in Cambodia COSI a year and a half back. soon it'll be candlelight and Christmas and end of 2011! how time flies. When it comes, I will do another entry to reflect and give thanks for this amazing year God has seen me through. For now, let us finish the race well! (: Amen!!

rained @ 3:26 AM

Honours is indeed competitive and hectic. Sometimes it really scares me to see how competitive and discipline my classmates are. Got back my midterms and feeling lousy, but I refuse to think that it's because I am stupid/lousier than my classmate. But holding on to the promise of God from my 2 A pluses. Lord, you will see me through. I will be the head and not the tail, above and not beneath. I will do better than Bs, and I will graduate next year with my Honours, You are shaping my character through it all, I will learn how to be more discipline, set my priorities and focus less about things that do not matter, I will work harder, I will pray harder, I will depend on you more, I will. And Lord, I know you will fight for me too, you will. Amen.

rained @ 7:41 PM