Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Life's been good. though really busy. surrendering to God all my burdens and trusting really set myself free from alot of anxieties and worries. I like it when I am truly happy and not crying alone in my room. I love my group of friends who are there for me and love me in ways which touch me in one way or another. How qi and xian msg me to encourage me when I dint expect it, thanks for rmbering.. How karann ran with me during the run yest. how julie come to my room to share with me how God has blessed her weekend. and I still feel very blessed for everything everyone has done on my bday. Thank you people. I also thank God tt He presents me opportunities for me to be a blessing to others too. Always praying for u all, my friends.
And on a sidenote, I really have a strong urge to learn guitar! I wanna to be able to worship God with an instrument. Whenever I do quiet time, I always feel it's so good if I could just do tt! Like how Claire would worship tgt with me over skype while strumming her guitar. I love piano but it'll take so long to learn and would require alot of money too. So would just be satisfied being the side player beside gor when he plays jay chou song, strumming the simple notes (: I love it when he asks me to play it along with him. haha it's only a few simple notes but I am taking forever to master it.. Yea, so guitarrrr!! Gor says in order to teach me I must go get a piano first. And tt's making me hesitate abit. Dunno if I would really have the time and perserverence to learn. If not I will feel like I wasted my money. If I spend money to buy it, I want to make sure that I at least learn till I can play relatively well. And the guitar is so bulky dunno if I should keep it at home or in hall. i stay in hall more than I stay at home. But if I place in hall, there's no one to teach me. And since I can only play when I have learnt it, doesnt make much sense if I buy a guitar now.. Hm I shall see how.. or maybe I can buy a second hand one! so if any of you know such deals, do let me know (: haha! no musical background before so it'll really be quite cool if I can am really able to strum guitar and sing song at the same time (: so looking forward to it!
we'll stay united
>12:42 AM
Friday, November 06, 2009
Rmb few days before my bday, I told qi my bday is a day where I am reassured of how loved I am by God, my friends and my family.. And tt's really all it means to me. There's no need for many things to be done. Just so long as I know my family and friends are there for me.
I rmb in secondary sch, my bday always fall on examination. And I used to have much expectations for bday and for special events like valentine's day. In Dunman High School, valentine's day and bday is like the more gifts and wishes you get, the more popular you are. And everyone wants to be popular.. and I do receive alot of gifts. And I prepare alot too. But at tt point of time, I think that when I give, in my heart, there's also a desire to want to receive too..
Gradually as I grow older, these things no longer are important, popularity or fame. To me it doesnt really matter. Last time, it is a great deal to me when my best frens forget to wish me or wishes me late. I have certain expectations about people around me. I rmb I was really so upset when my best friends wished me a day late for my bday coz they were too caught up with O levels. But as I grow older, I learn that these things are not so important anymore. I become more understanding towards people and I know everyone has their own life, own commitments and own sets of probs to worry about.. and it's okay for ppl to forget dates. coz I do tt sometimes too. So when people forget instead of being judgemental, I now try my best to understand things from their point of view. And most of the time I am able to. coz I know the heart of these friends of mine. And i understand that I myself am not perfect too. And that when I err, I know how much it means to be able to receive understanding and forgiveness from that somebody u feel u let down in one way or another. And so I give them willingly too.
I learnt the principle of giving.. about giving with an unselfish attitude and to give with a sincere heart to give. without expecting any returns. And it's good that God taught me all these. coz it really set me free from many feelings of anger, disappointment and sadness which I used to feel. Ever since I become a christian, it feels like I truly start to learn to live, everyday of my life. And every year's bday is a year of reminder that I am growing older. And as I grow older I must also learn to grow more mature. To grow in love and to grow in wisdom.
And I am glad, I am just able to spend moments before my bday just praying to God and spending time with Him, to give Him thanks for everything in my life. On my bday, I just really want to thank God for giving me this chance to live on this earth, for loving me and creating me. I want to thank God for a huge bunch of friends which I have. Acquaintances who care to drop me a bday blessing. Friends who I know through school, through events, who share common memories with me, who are part of me. Friends who I have lost touch with along the way. Friends who have been through thick and thin with me and who I know will be there for me no matter what happens in life. Friends who just happen to chance upon my life, but who I know are also God sent.
Friends. It's on bdays tt I pause n take time to catch up with them, to exchange words of love, and to let them know how grateful I am to be able to know them and to have them in part of my life. It's on bdays, I thank God for true friends. Who have gone through so much with me, who I have always give thanks for, and on my bday still willing to go an extra mile to do so much just to make me happy. Never expected so much so everything to me are huge huge surprises and huge doses of joy! Thank you Lord for all the close friends in my life. Thank you ping and qi for taking so much time to do my present. I would love anything done by the both of you. But efforts like tt make me feel extra touched. Thank you for taking so much time to organise and do so much for me. I've never had so many ppl celebrate bday tgt with me before. I am really happy, it's the company but more coz I am blessed by such great friendships. Thank you for always telling me how much I mean to the both of you, knowing how I would feel so inadequate and inconfident from time to time.. Thank you for accepting my weaknesses and still loving me the way I am. Thank you for giving me so much confidence in our friendships. We will continue to grow them just like how we've promised till in our old ages ya? my 2 best frens. I love the both of you very very much..
Thank you God for friends who I will treasure for life. For friends who love, for friends who care. Thank you for all the facebook msg-es and sms-es tt flood my notification and handphone. Thank you for phonecalls, even though some are missed calls. Thank you weilin for calling me all the way from overseas and for frens who call just to sing over the phone to me (: Thank you for friends who I know are busy/cannot make it but I know are thinking of me. Carmen, we'll have our post mini celebration ok! (: Claire Neo i miss you. dun worry, just concentrate on ur exam k. I know how much you want to be here with me and I am reserving time after tt just for you, I know you will fly down. Thank you Lord for friends who are willing to make time/overcome inconvenience just to come down to wish me/celebrate with me. Friends who are not staying in hall & friends who walk a long way over to my room just to pass me cards, letters and small gifts.. And thank God for friends who are able to share in the love which I received from my friends. May Lee do join us more often k? I miss your presence alot, my dear JC Best Fren (:
And this yr, unlike other yrs. I could feel how much my family loves me. Gor for all the little things like calling me to scold me but acty wishing me happy bday/commenting on my facebook. I know how much he cares. And also mummy and daddy. sorry i feel bad i came back home so late. should have spent more time with you all. Parents' love is really wonderful. Do so much wrong against them and sometimes upset them, yet they'll always continue to love us, no matter what.
Yes, and although towards the end, I felt a lil sad. But I know I am not going to let it spoil my day. Coz focusing on my other frens. I know I am really blessed. And I really want to be contented with what I have and not what I do not have. There are many people in this world crying out for love. Yet I receive so much of them. I am truly blessed. And I hope that the Lord will continue to use me to love those in the world who needs love so badly. Yea, so today is a really great day! really. And tml.. gonna spend with my 1406 girls. Though it's just gonna be a simple lunch and then mugging tgt! I am really looking forward to spending time with them.
Really, it doesnt take alot to make me happy. What matters to me is the heart. But sometimes, for some people, I don't understand why but I just find it difficult to comprehend their heart. I hope I can, I hope I do. But it's just difficult esp when the actions are not showing. And it hurts esp since I care so much. expectations? maybe. Just hope tt one day it'll all stop hurting. I know any time spent questioning about why things happen in ways which upset me, is just futile and torturing myself. and sometimes it's really just not worth it, esp since it's not sth within my control. So really just hope all these feelings will go away someday. I just want to focus my time and effort in building all the friendships and relationships which are present in my life now and which will grow and last.. stop expecting so much and just treasure what I have. still learning, hope I can master this one day (: But still, thank you for today everybody! love you all!
we'll stay united
>1:22 AM
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
An energy bar from chuan.
An apple from Dom that hit against the shoe rack coz he tripped and fall while climbing up the stairs.
A simple meal of magi mee and campbell soup cooked by Dom.
A hot holick from Michelle.
Exempted to go for the fencing thing and swimming training from max and kenneth.
A bowl of hot Yong tau Fu from Qi.
Fel staying outside the toilet while I bathe.
Carmen msg to me on my blog.
Sms from xiang to find out abt my wellbeing.
Email from Diane, my fav COSI kid.
Msgs from frens to arrange for dates to meet them. Waikit, kellyn, nicholas..
And concerns from other frens abt one thing or another...
Simple things like that make my day true and true!
And it's days like that I thank God for friends.
For the happiness of heart and a life everlasting.
Nothing much done. Just a day filled with love, joy and thanksgiving!
Who says we need alot of things in this world to make us happy?
I only need God, my family and friends.
Thank you God! Despite many things to be done, xiu is a happy girl :)
we'll stay united
>3:11 AM
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Stayover with carmen is forever so awesome. Coming late, calling me and shouting over the phone that she's being raped in the bush. haha. i was seriously worried ok! So familiar abt my hall that she seems to be at her own house. bathing and eating. Demanding tt I tickle her each time before she speaks. Sharing and bearing our most honest feelings with each other. Giving me advices which I needed to hear so badly. Making me laugh so much and feel so blessed. squeezing on the bed with me even though I was down with such a bad flu. And for your msg which I only saw in the evening. Thanks carmen for being there and for being carmen.. This kind fellowship is sth which I will always thank God for. Our friendship is sth I will always thank God for. "Tickle each other till we grow old in the church congregation". I'll keep to our promise, which means I will never leave God and I will never leave you. I love you very much tickle.
And yes I need to brace myself up and move forward already. I hate to feel so vulnerable and I hate to be sick. Only in front of God do I dare to be really vulnerable. When I am stress at least I don't think so much. But when I am less stress, all thoughts come into my mind. So hopefully things will be better in the weeks to come as I enter the exam mode. I need to be less of a worrier. And Gor said sth to me on msn which made me so touched and made me tear. That he hopes I will share and open up to him more. And he asked me to guess what he's thinking, and it was that he loves me very much. I will try, I will try gor... and Lord knows how much I really always wanted to do this. To be able to share with him and with my family. But I guess that it's coz of the whole objection I received from my family after being a christian, I am used to handling all problems wout really accounting to them. I find it easier to turn to my friends instead. I guess I am somewhat afraid to appear vulnerable in front of my family, in front of gor, and as a matter of fact, in front of most guys. All my tears get held back or at least I hold them back. Like how chuan entered my room that day when I was crying so badly and how I reacted after tt.
I dunno whether is it good or bad. I guess it's good so that I do not become too dependent on ppl and also do not pass on all my emotional burden to them.. I guess all of us have to learn to handle most things by ourselves. And I really don't like to burden ppl with my emotions. Chuan says it's repression. I guess I do let it all out. Just not in front of people. And haven really met someone who I am comfortable running to everytime I feel like crying. So if I do cry or tear in front of you, you probably are someone I feel close to, that's why I dare to let you know that I am sad. But still I do try not to cry so much even in front of people I am close to. I guess that's just the way I protect them coz I want to be strong for them so that they can turn to me if they ever need help. A good fren of mine said to me that the last thing he hopes for is for me to cry with him when he shares his problem with me. And I know how bad that is. Coz u wont want to go to someone who will just make u feel even sadder or vulnerable. That's why I need to be stronger emotionally, so that I may be there for the people who are precious to me, when they need me. So that they will not be afraid to come to me when they need someone. And that matters more to me than my own emotions. That I am able to be there for my friends and family. I'll be so sad if ppl stop coming to me just coz I am an emotional wreck. Ya, and hopefully next time I may also be able to find the guy which has all the characteristics in my list. And who will be strong for me and me for him. But even if I don't ever find him, I guess it's ok. coz I am happy having only God in my life. And I know I'll still have my frens and my family. Jesus was so courageous even though he was so vulnerable when faced with cruxification. And I know it's because He found His comfort & strength in God. And I really hope I may be like Him someday.
But I still thank God that I have people to turn to whenever I have problems. That in front of these close frens of mine, I am not afraid to share what I am going through or how I feel. So in that sense I guess it's not really that bad. I know Gor is one such person I can turn to coz in every sense he is so much stronger than me emotionally and spiritually. But like I told him. I hope he will open up more to me too. I never believe in one-way communication. After a while, even the person who always shares will get tired of sharing with the person who refuses to share. Relationship is always a two-way street. And the more we share our most honest thoughts, the stronger the relationship. That's what I believe.. And I hope my relationship with Gor will grow stronger from today on. Bless us Lord. May we display the kind of love which You want us to display. Amen (:
we'll stay united
>9:25 AM
Monday, October 26, 2009
Good things happen to people who wait.Summarizes all that I feel. Sometimes when God is all we've got, we'll realize that actually He is all that we need.
Dun want to feel sadness and disappointment anymore. In fact, tired of feeling these ways alrdy.
Like Dom said, the words 'Sorry' and 'Appreciate'. Without any actions, these two words carry no meaning at all. We can tell someone how apologetic we are, or how appreciative we are. But at the end of the day, without actions, words are just words. Words are not enough to make anyone feel we are really sorry for our actions or we really treasure and appreciate their presence. Actions do the saying. No wonder people say Action speaks louder than words. Now I think I am really more of an action rather than a word person. Words cant sustain me for long but actions can. Just like faith that are not put into action is just dead faith, desire to change that are not put into actions is dead too. This is what I have learnt.
But I also realize, at the end of the day, we must be convinced of the things that are impt to us. if we are not convinced of sth, we will not risk all we've got to pursue it. And this realization can only come from ourselves. And sadly many times people take things for granted. And they only realize what are impt to them when they have lost it, and by then it might be too late.. And I guess it's a sad thing in life, to have to live life with such regrets.
This is the quote that saw me through my down period this year and caused me to brace myself, it's on my desktop wallpaper too:
You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.. The danger lies in refusing to face the fear, in not daring to come to grips with it... You must make yourself succeed every time. You must do the thing you think you cannot do. -Eleanor RooseveltI guess what's most impt is knowing I've really faced my fears and done my best in all that I can.. So I really have no regrets. Some things are just beyond my control and it's situations like these, I know that God is in control and He's in the centre of it all. And I will continue trusting Him like how I have always do. And I guess that's when Nich's nick apply, that
Good things happen to people who wait. For me, it's waiting on the Lord. I want to be like Job, to endure longsuffering and remain faithful..
Chuan always tell me, if you want to love someone, you have to risk getting hurt. Love, not just BGR love, it's the whole concept of love-- friendship, family, people. sth stephanie always grapple with, and sth I am learning too.. How to love unconditionally? It always point me to Jesus and it reminded of what fay told me, that "It's a moulding process.."
we'll stay united
>10:46 AM
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Just yest, I did what a good samaritan did. But instead of blessing her, I think I receive 10 times the blessing from her sharing.. I really feel so blessed. Thank you God for bringing me to her and allowing us a chance to know each other better.. Indeed nothing in life happens by chance. And to get on with my assignments, enough with the struggling! I can do this!! To hansel and ping, my best fren and favourite best fren boyfren, HAPPY 1 YEAR!!! And to Carmen Tong, tickle tickle, godmother of my child, rmb that I love you very much and will always be here for you.. (:
we'll stay united
>10:42 AM
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Haven wrote here in a while... Gonna shift to livejournal soon. Miss carmen tong helping me to set up :)
Sent off all the UK council people. I miss them. Claire, rebecca and steph.. Whenever they come back, they bring the 30th tgt again. And I love the 30th from the bottom of my heart. For teaching me so much about servant leadership. This time round, can really feel that all of us have grown up.. We're all growing separately in different countries, in different uni, in army.. So many things happened in our lives but I am glad we are able to share with each other. I am glad that we're all still the same whenever we come back tgt. These memories we share it'll stay with me for life.. Ab intra: Aspire to Inspire :)
Got back in contact with many old frens. We always tend to forget things/ppl in our lives that make us who we are today. Reading thru my sec sch diary, I rmb-ed them. A huge bulk of my secondary memories which slipped out of my mind, which reminded me of the people who were there with me, which reminded me of the great change God has done to my life. These are things we should not forget..
Met up with evadne.. And after so long, I'm glad we're still both the same.. That we are still able to share freely like we used to. Emo talk at starbucks. I love you. And really hope to meet up with janice soon too. Met up with ruiyang yest. Sorry Ry that after sec sch, I forgot abt you. And now coming back, it brings a smile to my face knowing that you've always been there, that I've always been on your mind.. That you've always still care. And the happiest of all is Carmen Tong. 2 nights never is enough for us to catch up on how much we've missed out in each other's lives. But I am glad we are still able to share like we used to. The times we go church tgt, and talk abt how good God is in our lives. Now seeing you like that, you know how happy I am for you and you know how much I love you. This sisterhood we share, I don't want to let it go ever again.. I know that God will bless this friendship and make us grow from glory to glory! And we will share common memories tgt from now on. Not just updates about each other lives.
Overcame my fears, met up with jx, met up with don.. Things are far from perfect but really trusting in God that things will get better.. I think the saddest thing in life is not anything else but people being passive, people not caring. I don't want to go back to times where I hide from my own fears. I don't want to stand at the sidelines watching things happen and feeling sad about my circumstances. I want to be in active pursuit of dreams, I want to be actively changing things and overcoming obstacles. And things which I can't change, I pray for wisdom to be able to accept..
And thank you God for reassurance of current friendships. Supper with dom and karann was love, even though there was that freak accident by karann. It's really been so long since we've done that tgt. So many things happened in hall.. People come people go. Many superficial friendships in hall. But I always thank God that the 1st batch of frens I made in hall are them. And I really hope after all that had happened, this friendship of ours, will continue stronger from here on.. And to the constants in my hall life. Qi, Ping and Chuan.. Thank you! I love you all and never will I grow complacent. We will all work hard to keep this friendship of ours going ya? :) Not forgetting my new found friends.. Fel & mich pillow who were there with me throughout my OC period, which hadnt exactly been an easy one for me.. Esp being stuck in hall 24/7 with so much burdens upon my shoulders. Julie for the COSI experience tt made us both closer to God. Yvette, for being my new neighbour. We seldom talk since pri sch. But I really thank God for that talk in ur room that started the ball rolling. Now that u're going NTU for exchange next yr, hope that we will continue to keep in touch ya?
And for my family. Lord, thank you. Too many times I took things for granted. Too many times I hide from my fears by hiding in the comfort of my hall, away from things, away from facing reality and rejection. But now, thank you for the change. Thank you for courage. Thank you for confidence. Thank you for the addition of ye tao that brings so much joy to everyone in the family. Thank you for Da jie for being the sister that is always an example for me. Thank you for Gor Gor for never being afraid to point out to me my weaknesses. That I must be more demure, that I must learn to be less emotional, that I must learn to be a woman who is happy having God alone in my life, that I must not be afraid to face up my fears.. I enjoy holding hands with Gor and walking down streets together, talking about the most cock things tgt like coming up with random raps together and how he surprises me by knowing abt happenings in my hall through his friends.. This morning, announcement of er jie's engagement. I feel happy for er jie. Yet, it strike me that things are changing. We're all growing up. My sisters are going to have their own family. That soon she's going to move out just like Da jie. That I am no longer the xiao mei in the family, that now I have to learn to take on more responsibility in this family, to be there for my parents coz I know they'll feel the loss more than any of us. That even as I go out to pursue my dreams, for SEP, for overseas mission trips, I must not forget my family and friends.
And even when I try to find my footing in this world, I realize even with all the change around me. God is the only constant in my life. That He has always loved me the same. That when I was lost in life, He saw who I could be. And never gave up on me so that I may know Him today. That He has always been faithful and His love for the world is still the same. I want to do more for His kingdom. Shopping with Sarah for the things for the Philippines victims.. Thank you dear for coming with me, if not I really don't know how I am able to bring all the blankets, food, towels and clothings back to hall alone. I realized that there's so much to be done and what I do is so little compared to what can be done. I really want to do more and I pray Lord that you'll present me with more of such opportunities..
Life is good. Many deadlines coming up. Being in JCRC challenges me to serve in a way I never serve before. To not just do things that were required, but to challenge ourselves to come up with new initiatives to build the hall spirit. Thank you for this team of like-minded people who step up together with me. I pray for faith that I may continue to trust God to see me through for all my responsibilities. And that I may continue to be there for my friends and family. And I pray that all the people affected by the disasters around the world, that Lord you'll comfort them of their loss through people you send into their lives.. Bless them Lord, bless them!
we'll stay united
>2:11 AM
