Sharing with Julie some of my relief teaching experiences at compassvale sec just make me miss those time so much.. She's relief teaching for a week at a sec sch now and can really see that she's very stress and inconfident of her chinese and afraid she dunno how to teach.. I rmb the time when I first entered the compassvale sec.. it was just a term job for me during my 8 months break but I was so excited abt teaching the students.. And I must say I learnt so much from it.. I've not really shared with anyone the whole experience before, except jx. And I have never blogged it down before and I just feel like sharing it now.. and just encourage whoever is considering teaching/relief teaching to go for it, coz it's really such an enriching career/experience.

1st week I entered, I was thrown to take the full classes of an absent chinese tutor and expected to teach chinese. And I have no mentor and I really have to do everything myself. I rmb I was damn stress. 1st day, I tried to teach according to the syllabus.. I entered the classroom, with my sternest face and sternest tone and stated all the classroom rules clearly.. But of course no students really cared abt a relief teacher and they were so rowdy and out of control.. And I rmb when I entered the sec 5 NT class, no one brought textbook and there was no way for me to teach at all.. But the NT students were so real..whatever they like or dislike, they displayed it all, through vulgarities and through their mischievous acts, no pretence at all.. And they were so honest with me in their lack of interest to learn, they asked me not to bother and just let them do their own stuff, and I do my own stuff... But as if I am going to give up on them! But I'll rmb tt girl who came up to me and asked me if I am a christian and which church I belong to, coz I wore a cross necklace.. And when I said I am from city harvest she got so excited coz she said she's from there too.. But teachers are not suppose to share their faith.. But I was really very encouraged by her coz she was really respectful towards me and she's most probably the most hardworking girl in that NT class.. and I am so determined not to give up on these kids, even though they may be deemed as the hopeless students, coz I know there'll always be someone amongst them who will be willing to learn, and i'll never know which day will be the day when 1 student decides to learn.. And if people give up on them, then they'll never have the chance to ever learn if they want to..

But the 1st day was really very demoralizing for me. But I decided I must change my strategy.. and I stopped following the strict syllabus.. And began to pray and ask God for creativity to come up with my own syllabus. I did so much new things & I really thank God for them if not I really wont know how to survive that whole week. After every 1 hour of lesson, I would really heave a sigh of relief and thank God for bringing me through coz every lesson was really like a battle for me..

I rmb I played chinese word games with this NA class and I sounded so excited when I explained the rules to the students.. and to the upper sec students, where silence is the new cool, would look at me and say teacher u very siao leh, how old are you? haha! but that was when the ice broke and they realized that I am not much different from them, and began to share more stuff with me..

I also showed S.H.E mtv to the NT students and printed lyrics for them so that it solved the problem of them not bringing their textbook. Then I'll teach them chinese words from the song lyrics and there's acty quite alot to learn from the lyrics. And students who walk past our classroom would glimpse in, wondering what's this new alien teacher with her new teaching method.. haha!

Hmm.. and not forgetting my zuo4wen2 with the sec 2 students on my opinion after experiencing the 1st public caning in my whole life, at compassvale.. and asking them to write a thought of theirs too, and try to include shen1 ci2 in their zuo4 wen2. I was so touched by their zuo4 wen2. for being honest abt their thoughts, their hates and their ambitions. And I just saw hope and potential in every single one of these kids that I hope to bring out in them..

And after the 1st week, the remaining of the sem, I really just took on the job as a nanny.. But I really learnt so much, just being a nanny.. I found myself to be more involved in the lives of the students.. I really wanted to show the students that I care. I talked to them and shared with them about myself, and the students began to open up to me as well. Students would share with me about their family problems, many came from broken or violent family. And some had so much disciplinary records with the sch.. when they did "illegal stuff" and I threatened to report them, even though I dun really mean to, they'll feel so scared coz if they ever commit another mistake, they'll be kicked out of sch. And I admit I made alot of mistakes.. but I'm glad through the process I learnt to be so much more senstive to the hurts and needs of these students. It's quite scary when I offend some kids & I have to go to their class again to see them. They rmb and they'll really not show respect to me. But there's really no escaping & it's either I face my fears or I let it consume me.. And become a teacher that just heck care about the students. But thank God I never gave up and was always given chances to make up for my mistakes and show those kids that I really care abt them and dint mean to say or do things to hurt them.. And I rmb claire lim told me that if I wish to know the students, I have to know their lingo.. And Gor showed me royston tan's censored movie about teenagers in spore, of fighting, taking drugs, smoking, struggle at home & in sch.. And I even considered learning dota gaming so tt I may know why it attracts the kids so much.. but thus far, has been procrastinating and still hadnt got the chance to learn.. So i'm still looking for kind soul who is willing to teach me.. coz I still want to learn and know why it attracts youth so much.. And be able to talk in their lingo..

And I'll find myself staying back many days even after work to settle probs of students, and the initial 2 relief teachers joel and peixiang, would chiong home right after their work. And I'll feel quite sian tt they never wait for me.. And when their term ended, I felt even more sian coz the other 2 new relief teachers, shinyi and valerine, just came in and I dint know them well. But thank God, because of the departure of joel and peixiang, I found myself becoming closer to shinyi & valerine, who like me, share the same love & passion for the students. And we would stay back tgt late to settle students' issues, wait for each other, encourage each other, talk about the probs of various students, and also know each other better as friends :) And I'm really so glad for their company and so happy tt we're still keeping contact and meeting up once in a while..

Hmm.. so much more memories.. like being late for sch and hiding at the mama shop so tt no students will see me, taking taxi with students, teaching them rubicks cube, playing "hide & seek" with students who were trying to run away from me bla bla.. but the best gift from my relief teaching experience would really be Jody.. thank God for the chance to go to her class, to talk to her as friend, to get to know her difficulty in chinese, to help her by giving her extra tuition after sch and the chance to share abt our lives.. And being able to still keep in contact with her after I've left compassvale.. And finally able to bring her back to Christ. and now encouraging each other as sisters in Christ :)

There's so much I wanna thank God for through my relief teaching experience... But I know it's a learning platform for greater challenges to come when I become a full pledged teacher! And though it'll be super tiring.. I am really looking forward to it.. but for now, study hard so that I can give the best to my students next time! :)

And Julie Low Wei Shan, don't give up! Coz like I've said over and over again! U are really such a great teacher coz of ur heart and passion for the kids :) Jia you dear! Bring our learning experience from Cambodia into the classroom! And know that I'll always be here to support you!

rained @ 11:32 PM

:) Fireproof.. this show is by the same director as facing ur giant & flywheel. About how God salvaged a broken marriage. it's so touching. I think I cried more than the other 2 shows I watched by this director. Indeed marriage is a sacred covenant by God that no one should break. For better & for worst, for rich & for poor, in health & in sickness :) Let no man breaks what God brings together. And may every married couple experience the joy that God wants us to experience through a marriage.. It's a really sweet thing to be able to grow old with someone in the love of God :) It's only through tough time that we may know whether one's love is true love, and whether it comes from the bottom of the heart..

⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.⁸Love never fails... 1 cor 13:4-8

Everything about this verse I believe it with all my heart. That I always pray that I'll always be able to love people, like what these verses say.. And believe that I'll find such love in my partner next time too.. that true love waits and is definitely fireproof! :) And about the love of Christ, I'll never give up sharing the good news to the people around me... coz I know that's the best love one could ever have.. and I love them too much not to share with them :)

rained @ 12:54 PM

I am doing research now on the different unis available for SEP. And I really want to go overseas so much. It has always been my wish to study overseas but God led me here NUS, and I think I can undstd why he wants me to stay here in spore. But I still desire so much to spend time overseas, studying and living and learning to be independent. I have missed out applying last sem when I really should have applied.. this sem, I am not going to make myself have that regret again. And I am going to apply no matter what, no matter how much time and effort is needed for all the necessary procedures. And I know God will bring me where He wants to bring me and grant me the desires of my heart :) And I am going to trust that I will really be able to go.. It's a scary thought to be alone overseas wout my family and close frens. But I guess I'll be really looking forward to it :) it will be an experience I'll never forget, I know.. Shall continue to find out more info from ppl who have went exchange on what I need to do. and from julie of the uni she went to, UConn, which looks really lovely! America is still my top choice! But I'm also quite drawn to University of New South Wales at Australia! :)

I really feel so lucky to be able to be here in Spore, to be able to study wout having to worry that I cant study, sth the kids in Cambodia fight so hard for. I dun have to worry abt a lack of tutors or materials needed for my studies, sth which the kids often find themselves lacking in. And there's plenty of opportunities out there for me to grasp here in Spore, sth which I should treasure and do my best to get as much as can. If not, I'll be letting myself and all the other kids, who deserve such opportunities too, down! I wanna live their share and next time really give back as much as I can to them.. To help in giving them a better living and save them from their trapped situation... Help me Jesus, coz I desire to help the kids out there so much, so let me study hard now so that I will be able to make a greater difference next time. And also be able to educate my future students to treasure the opportunity to study, coz students in Spore has really grown up in such great comfort, and taken such simple things for granted. Myself included.. until the chance to be able to go to cambodia and be touched by their stories and see how they fight hard for these simple things in life which we take for granted.

But even if in the end after trying my best to go for exchange and I still cant go, I guess I wont be too sad coz I'll know I've tried my best, and maybe God doesnt want me to go yet. And Chanta's story will always encourage me. Chanta is a 16 yr old kid I met at COSI in cambodia, really smart and she's like the top student of her sch.. When we went there, she told us she'll be coming to Spore in a few month's time coz she was given the opportunity to be a dental assisstant. And we could really sense her excitement and we all feel so happy for her too. But recently karann told me that she wont be coming anymore.. coz of some administration problem at the Cambodia government side.. I dunno exactly what too, but what surprises me is tt she said she's disappointted but not very sad, coz she will still have the chance to study at the orphanage with her brothers and sisters :) and it really touches me.. these kids no matter how difficult their situation may be, they'll not complain and not give up, but just keep working harder.. sth which the "Last Lecture" also taught me.. that brickwalls in life are for us to prove how much we really want sth.. and these kids are the greatest encouragement and reminder for me to always live in my present... To treasure whatever I have and not focus on whatever
I don't have :) And I can't thank God enough for the chance to go to Cambodia so that I could learn all these.. Thank you Jesus!

rained @ 3:36 PM

talking to waikit makes me feel so encouraged. Thank you for all the support and prayers kit. I am really so happy for ur salvation waikit. I can see so much change in you and I believe all your close ones could see it too. I werent exactly close to u at all in sec sch and JC, even though we worked at Temasek Idol tgt, and made so much mistakes tgt. hahaa! but ya, I can feel u're a totally transformed person now kit. from the boy who often gossiped and bitch abt others, to one now who gave up things u hold so dear so that u may obey God, for a heart that seeks after God, for all ur effort to meet up so that we may know each other better, for ur messages and phonecalls once in a while to catch up and encourage me. And now, for your vision to want to make a difference. Thank you waikit! Really cant wait to see u serve greatly in CHCSA and to do well in NUS! :)

Well, I aint a great fan of michael jackson. But after talking to waikit, I went to youtube his songs as well. And indeed his songs are really encouraging.. And I believe everyone of us on this earth has our capability to make a difference, big or small. So just want to share his songs and may all of us find our capacity to serve and be a star thrower :) And may God bless micheal jackson and everyone out there.

rained @ 11:46 PM

:) today was my first visit to saint andrew cathedral.. yest we had dinner at east coast and after that when we came back home, I asked mum. Thank you Lord for da jie and her support. Thank you Lord for opening up my mum's heart. I was so afraid last night.. that she might change her mind, that things will turn out diff coz I had been disappointted so many times before.. But thank you Lord everything turned out fine. Thank you Claire for praying over the phone with me when I was damn scared. Thank you weijun and zicheng for all the encouragement. And thank you bekah for coming with me today.. I really appreciate ur company when both claire and weijun kena quarantine..

This is my first time going church with my mum knowing and not objecting. i've been waiting for this day for so long. i've waited for 2 and a half yrs. 28 Jun 09. i'll rmb this date. it's ironic.. if jx and I hadnt broke up, it would be our 5th month. but no i dun feel sad today, i feel very happy :) I love the story abt the life of king david and how God brought him through so much hardship for his past sins. but yet King David experience so much joy.. I know it just by looking at the amount of psalms he wrote as he was fleeing from jureusalem.. Lord, pls let this not be a one time breakthrough for me. but truly from this day on, i'll move from glory to glory. things may start slow. but let me be patient and guide me in all your ways so I may know how u want me to serve u Lord. I'm so touched so overwhelmed. Lord help me to continue to mend the broken rs with my mum. Let me not sin against u ever again because of my fears or selfish desire. I still have my own fears. But Lord, help me live a surrendered life. Let me surrender all my thoughts and feelings into ur hands. Let me not build my own idols or thrones, but lay down all that I have and desire at the foot of the cross. Let your will, not mine be done. I want to be a woman, a mighty soldier who seeks after your heart Lord. And I want to be used by You in great mighty ways. So help me Jesus overcome all the obstacles that are to come. And don't allow me to grow complacent, if I would grow complacent I rather u not take the persecutions away from me. But Lord, let me live in holy discontentment every single day of my life. I thank you Jesus for the greater works that u are gonna do in my life. I thank you Jesus, Thank you :)

The Lord is indeed good to all those who loves Him, who are called according to His purpose!

rained @ 2:24 PM

Lord, I'm sooo scared. i dunno wad to expect. I dunno if I can adapt. I dunno is it a place you want me to go. I hope whichever church u want me to go to, my parents will be ok with it and I'll feel comfortable in it too. So many times I've walked out of house, with objection, to go church... I dunno if it's really going to be different tml. I'm so scared. help me get rid of that fear of rejection. I know it's still a long battle to go. but pls let this be the first step forward. Lord, pls help me and tell me what I need to do, whatever might happen. Let me be open to the teaching of the church and speak to me so that I will know what to do. Help me Lord. Change is the constant in life so let me not be afraid of change. give me a heart of teachability. and I know my results matter so much to be a good testimony to my parents. Help me Jesus.. see me through. U know my heart Lord, U know my heart.

rained @ 11:08 PM

hmm i dunno who's reading my blog. but i guess it's a good way to let friends who I have lost contact with know how I am doing.. And it touches my heart to know that my friends do care alot abt me.. Thank you ruiyang for ur sudden sms.. make me feel so loveddddddd! :)

Past week has been crazily busy with oc.. presentions till late nights and many things to complete. i know it'll just get busier and busier all the way till after orientation. just hope I wont be too drained when sch starts. and I should start thinking what modules I hope to take for next sem alrdy! Cap 4.8 is my goal! Hm and I'm really sorry tt my weekdays are all occupied and I little time during weekends to meet my friends coz I am trying to find more time to spend with my family too.. buttiess when is our long-ago-organized outing which kept getting postponed?! Qi came back from thai! and i'm so glad u're back home darling! qi says now she knows what it feels like to date an army guy hahaa sorry qi at least u're lucky to have a cute army bf (ME!) hahaha!

And finally saw chuan yest, he bought pizza to hall to treat us and to meet us. but barely even talk to him. i really need more time to meet ppl!

Hmm yest had psych trial camp.. tried out territorial game and Mystery Investigation (MI).. hahha I acted at MI as a suspect with anti-social disorder.. and I really dunno how to act tt role well. HAHA! in the end I think I acted more like a crazy woman who was very humourous. HAHAHA! and stephanie was so funny. coz I was suppose to be the mistress.. we kept calling each other bitch and slut and she said I have a figure of 48-28-48.. no wonder I manage to seduce her husband!! HAHAHA! i feel totally flattered leh thanks stephanieeeeee! :P

Hmm.. today as I was praying and reading the book brother yun, God revealed so much to me :) And I know it wasnt by coincidence. it's amazing how I was forming up questions and immediately it was answered in the next few paragraphs.. abt perspective of church, abt Elijah and how impt it is to stay in fellowship and not think we are the only one fighting the war for God, abt how I should talk to my mum if she asks me why I want to go church so much... Thank You God for leading me and providing me answers..

Yest I was so tempted to stayover and crash arts camp coz it looks so exciting. I'm always drawn to this kindda thing but I decided not to and I'm glad I did not. coz I really needed the rest after one whole week of not enough slp and to really spend time at home.. and I just realize how sabbath day is really very impt for us to charge up for a new week, to seek God and rejuvenate our soul. So no matter how busy I get, it's impt for me to always find time for God and to refocus on Him. If not, then I'll be depending everything by my own strength then I think I'll find myself in the position I am many times last week, cranky and very impatient. hahaa. sorry dom dom and whoever I was snapping at! but they were all very kind and understanding towards me. and thank God after snapping at them I would laugh and so they just take it tt I was pms-ing and ignore me, which I guess is a good thing.. haha! if not I think I would have offended alot of ppl. hahaha! i think my laughing really help me get out of alot of troubles. so thank God for tt!

and next few weeks really going to be so hectic, I think I have almost 4 weeks of not being able to go home during weekends. coz of psych camp, then imm next day go bintan, then imm trial camp and counselor week, then orientation and raggg! one after another! i dunno how my parents will react. they always feel tt when I have fun, I'll all hell break loose and forget my priorities. but it's not true, but it's really my responsibility. And I'm glad yest on the car ride back home, I got the chance to talk to daddy and give him a rough idea of what my orientations are like & the many things tt needs to be completed.. And let him undstd I'm spending so much time in hall not just coz I am purely having fun but it's really because I have work to complete. Ya, and really seek for their understanding loh. coz it's like the first time their youngest daughter is gonna spend so much time away from home.. And I guess as parents they'll definitely be worried for me and protective of me..

Yupp, so God really give me the strength and see me thru and I know all things will work out fine in the end. So let me seek You, and I pray all these in ur namee! Amen :)

rained @ 11:24 AM

Lord.. I'm so scared.. let me trust that this is where You want to lead me Lord.. I hope it'll work out.. if it doesnt, then I don't know what's your will for me anymore.. I won't know what to fight for anymore.. I've fight my fears and I know the rest is really up to you Lord! Let me trust that You also desire for me to be serving and worshiping in your house.. Let me not grow weary of seeking out your will for me Lord.. Lord, let me know whether certain advices are from you.. Help me Lord discern and let me not waver left and right but stay firm in my faith.. I hope all these years of fighting has really opened up my mum's heart.. Let me have an open heart to receive the blessing that is about to come Lord.. Help me Jesus, be brave! To me it's not settling for a second best... as much as i love city harvest, no church is perfect.. so much bad testimonies i've heard abt city harvest.. but I still love it because I know it's founded on God's vision and it's definitely bringing transformation into so many people's lives.. and because i've learnt and grown so much in it, but it's still not perfect.. but likewise, the next church I go to will not be perfect too or may seem in many ways not to be as good as chc, but God has given different strengths to different churches.. And each body part performs different functions for the body of christ.. so to me, there's no one church greater than the other.. but all belongs to God and only up to God to judge.. and I know if He leads me to another church, there's definitely areas of needs which I can see and ways and opportunities to serve and grow Your kingdom Lord.. I like it when Brother Yun said, I belong to no denomination but Jesus alone.. churches really need to stop judging each other and just serve God alone.. but of course I undstd the importance of growing strong in a church and so i really hope to find one which I can stay and grow my roots deep... So show me the way Lord!

Thank you Claire Lim Siok Woon for wanting to surprise me! I really thought it is gonna be a skype session! and I know I will get the biggest surprise and shock of my life if you suddenly appear from behind me! But too bad you're under house quarantine! But thanks for the effort and I love you very much! :) cant wait to see you soon babeee!!!

and I drove a lorry yest!! initially was just one round about the car park but it became from Nus to clementi! hahha but with much scorning from karann who always doubt my driving skill! but I was really damn scared. think yankai was ready to pull my handbreak alot of time. but somehow the people at the back of the lorry wont know how panicky the people at the front are. HAHA and they say my driving is quite smooth! Woo! thank you thank you! but still my hands were icy cold when I got off the lorry hahaha! esp when I rmb-ed we never put on triangle plate so if I ever get into an accident I'll be quite dead.. HAHA! I really cannot do illegal stuff.. and the steering wheel is damn scary.. must keep adjusting so that we can stay on course... and my steering and judgement hasnt always been very good.. so yes, thank God we are all still alive!! :D

Yes Lord, just see me through whatever I am going thru now.. Let me not grow too busy or too weary that I forget to seek you and pray... coz I know prayer is what move the works of your hands :)

rained @ 9:49 AM

:) today I met up with Aunty Betty for lunch at bedok.. Aunty Betty.. The aunty who led me in my sinner's prayer 2 and a half yrs ago at bedok library and made me accepted christ.. I haven seen her since that time.. but i suddenly thought of her during the morning prayer meeting 2 weeks ago.. she shared alot with me.. abt the disappointment and hurt she faced in her previous church.. and how bitter she felt but really submitted all her unforgiveness to God and so now she's free.. she just went on to another church coz she really couldnt find space and opportunity to grow anymore in the previous church.. and she told me that telling me all these is not to discourage me but to strengthen me to learn from other's mistakes and I really appreciate it.. I realize that the heart of teachability is really very impt.. that we should not be afraid to listen to advices of people, whether or not we agree with them anot.. ppl who just shun away people's comments and advices will never be able to learn.. but of course we should not take in whatever we hear.. after listening, we should really pray and ask God to help us discern what's right and what's wrong... and Aunty Betty was advicing me on certain things, which I am still so unsure of..so I really need to seek God for answers.. I believe only God can give me answers to what's right and what's wrong..

But she just made me realize there's just so many unhealthy churches and church leaders out there.. and I really feel the burden of God to pray for healthy growth in every body of Christ, and for every church leaders out there.. Lord, there's really so much more to do for your kingdom.. really use me and make me do significant things for You Lord.. that there really is division in the body of Christ when there should be unity.. that your love is really lacking in this world, even amongst christians. Lord, that what You really desire is our heart of obedience and not how strictly we follow religious practices.. So lord, teach me how I can be a witness to you and use me in whatever ways you want to use me Lord.. And I pray for Aunty betty that she'll really be able to be given opportunities to grow and learn and serve you in the new church... I thank You for all her prayers for me and I'll be praying for her too... :)

And Thank You Lord for my daddy who'll always be the best in my sight.. I know I am truly who I am today because u placed me in this family with them as my parents.. And I thank You for that Lord, for being given the chance to be their daughter, it's sth that no money can buy coz it's been freely given by you because of your love for us.. :) Today I was watching this show and it said that all the BEST things in life are always things that no money can buy.. and it's so true Lord.. but it's sth that we human always take for granted.. So thank you Lord for my daddy, I love you Daddy for all the love you've given me ever since I was born:) Happy Father's Day!

rained @ 10:24 PM

things are getting so much better... so so much better.. after my talk with da jie.. i have clearer idea of how God is going to lead me in this.. and now I just have to pray for answers.. Lord, I have so much to let go.. A church and cell that I have been with for almost 2 yrs. But Lord, if going to other church is your plan for me.. for me to be able to go church and cell regularly and to serve you wholeheartedly without having to lie. Lord, I will lay down all my desires and follow your plans for me. I am afraid I will not be as close to the people in cell anymore, but Lord, the rs we have is built upon you and not upon which church we go to. so let me trust u that the fellowship will not cease.. that the friendship will continue and we will still be able to edify each other.. And I guess I can still go for the morning prayer meeting every month. It never harms to pray more right? :) Lord, help me find a church that i will be comfortable in, that i can worship you freely, and that my mum is ok with me going.. Then LORD I will go ALL out for you.. in ministry, in cell, in church, for your kingdom!! and i m EXCITEDDD!! And for tithing.. Lord give me an answer on what you want me to do about it.. Lord THANK YOU so much for turning things around for me. who would have thought that yingxiu whose mum is so against christianity would allow her to go church one day, without objection. Thank you Jesus. Indeed obedience is the key to stream of living water flowing through our life.. Now, I will just wait for your blessing to pour upon my life.. and i will receive it with the joy you have given me Lord.. I thank you and praise you and I pray all these in your name, Amen! :)

rained @ 8:13 PM

Just watched facing the giant.. And I know that for with God ALL things are possible :)

rained @ 7:19 PM

:) Maricel, msg-ed me from Philippines! and boy i miss her so muchhhhhhhh! :D happily married now but her husband flying off to italy soon and she's gonna try applying visa back to spore again! :) hahaa. my maid always called me baby yingxiu. and so when she messaged me, her english is not very good and she kept mentioning baby (me) ! I tot she has a baby alrdy -__- HA! but so glad she msg-ed me. coz i tried and couldnt contact her when I was in cambodia.. Yeaa :)

Hmm.. this weekend this weekend Lord, I really hope I will really have the chance to face my biggest gianttttttttt!!!!!!! No secrets of my past shall go into hiding. To tell my parents abt jx and stand strong in my faith. I will be honest and whatever that is to come, I will face it tgt with you Lord. Of course I feel a lil fearful, but courage is not the absence of fear but doing the right things despite your fear. So Lord, give me the courage that I ever needed Lord. And I thank you Jesus, Thank you!

rained @ 9:12 AM

Yest I met bao bei and valerine.. and just caught up so much with them.. only meet once in a long time yet everytime we meet, there's new revelations abt each other and I know this period, all 3 of us have really grown alot.
baobei for always being the confident girl who's sure of what she wants and this time even more... jia you ok? I'm so looking forward to us being able to become colleagues next time..
Val like me had so much fears of guys and always feeling so inconfident, but seeing how u're slowly overcoming ur fear. I'm so happy for you and glad I am able to share and encourage you as well.. :) and for the 21st bday which made you thought through so much.. I know there's a guy out there for you val.. Must believe in it k.. :)

We're all in the process of growing up.. and i'm gonna be 20 and 21 soon.. and a full pleged adult. There's still so much for me to learn and so much ways I can grow. I have to be responsible for my own life and actions and I am ready to do that. I found it so hard to let my parents know I am already an adult and there was the period of disobedient and lying to them to do the things that I wanted, which I knew they would object. But I guess after all the many things that happened, I realized that escaping and hiding is never a mature way of handling things. Because we'll become refugees of our own guilt and fear. it's through facing my fears and fighting for what I want that really show that I have really grown up..

Randy Pausch last lecture just encourage me so much over and over again: Brickwalls in life are there for us to show how much we really want something. it's not there to block us. but there to block others who do not want it as much as we do. And I know that God U're something I will risk my whole life for. coz God You really are my EVERYTHING.

The book Brother Yun that jx gave me.. Brother Yun said that "timid" and "Christian" do not belong tgt. And it's so true. if terrorists are willing to strap explosives to their chest and die for Satan, why should we Christians be timid to share our faith with our neighbours? Why should I be afraid to share my faith boldly with my parents and friends. There's really nothing to be afraid of. Coz God u've been so good to me and your perfect love for me really cast out all fear. all fears Lord.. fear of rejection, fear of persecution, fear of not being able to go church, fear of being seen as a bad daughter.. so much fears but Lord, you know my heart.. you know how much I love my parents and friends, you know how much I love You.. so help me Jesus.. I was afraid but now I am not.. coz of the confidence that you have given to me Lord.. Thank you so much :)

I will fight that brickwalls & I will make my stand. But I will obey you holy spirit, wherever u lead me Lord. I miss going to church and cell and every single member so much Lord. But Lord, I know my time will come when I obey you Lord, my time will come..

now is really the time to let my parents know that their small girl has grown up already. and whatever decisions she make in life, she's mature enough to be responsible for them. I guess as parents u always want to protect ur child, and it's difficult to let go. But I want to let them know I still love them. They say as you grow older, your relationship with ur parents become more and more like friends. And I want them to be able to talk to them abt all my probs and struggles and the happy things that happen to me. I want to.. so Lord, help me be able to do that and let my breakthrough come Jesus.. I know you desire for me to be in your house to serve and worship you too. So I trust in you to make it good for me Lord.. :) I trust in you.

And today, had dinner with my family at katong Al Forno restaurant, with popo. And I really treasure all the moment spent tgt. being able to laugh and talk abt things more at ease now.
Gor gor still being that idiot who would ignore some of my statements, irritate me by repeating my mistakes and then i try to irritate him back by emphasizing the fact that HE HAS A WORM IN HIS STOMACH! who the hell in this age still has worm in their stomach right?? HAHA! I am so gonna tell his kids next time man! :P
Hee. then sitting beside popo, kept feeding her. and then we could draw on the table. and so I used my not-so-good art skill to draw pictures of her and gong gong as stick people. to tell popo abt things and seeing her laugh at what I say, it makes me feel so blessed to be able to do that. And to laugh at each other's art. Gor gor's ugly esplanade house that never changes since young. esplanade copy my brother's idea ok! coz i am so sure that he's been drawing the same house since young. ya, and drawing the flower that the kids taught me in cambodia and drawing one for Dad :) And popo said it was nice and tried to draw one too. though it was not very nice but it made me smile so much for having such a sporty popo who kept stunning me with her vocabulary! she said that my flower is "Beautiful!" :) hee I really think that my art improve! woosh! i m really proud of my own talent okk! :) really thank God that I m starting to appreciate different sides of myself that I always used to overlook or fail to appreciate last time.. indeed confidence comes from within..

Ya, and today had lotsa presentation.. we slept super alot in the day coz they went mambo yest. but everything is great so far. OC's bonding well. and despite the many sessions which we would laugh at each other for silly jokes. for recording every single of our mistakes into the book of OC video. totally no love. HAHAHA! but ya I really enjoy this whole experience I am going through now, though it's taking up so much of my time, and depriving me from seeing all my friends..

Yup, and Psych camp. things are improving. I really hope for a blasting camp for the freshie! Thank God for favour upon me. For a $4.85 shirt deal. And for just provision in everything that I am going through. Thank you Lord. And this weekend, really want to face my giant again and not let it go into hiding. I am gonna dig you out! haha. See me through Jesus. And I thank you for everything, thank you Jesus! :)

rained @ 1:35 AM

OC presentation for the whole day.. many funny incidents.. Lord, pls don't allow me to become complacent. i need to read ur words and pray more everyday. I need your strength.. With so many changes happening in my life right now, I know I cant pull through alone during this period.. I know I will not make it.. I need you Jesus, I need you. I need to get a diary soon. I just have so many thoughts that I want to pen down inside...


I tot I am ok alrdy but it still hurts Lord.. so many things that I want to do, i miss him and I miss having him in my life.. Lord help me curb all these desires..Lord pls take all these feelings away from me if it's not from You...I need to be brave...I have to be... Let me be completely healed Lord, let me be so that I can meet him again soon.. and Lord let me not doubt myself ever again, let me be fully convinced and truly love myself for who I am made to be, Lord...help me Lord.

rained @ 6:39 PM

Lord, it's been such a long dayy.. psych camp trial, then psych camp camp comm meeting and then dinner at pizza hut then back to OC room for meeting. then talking to julie and nicholas.. Lord. thank you for seeing me thru..

Thank you for psych camp. i love the team work and dedication there and really hope to do my best to make the camp a success. coz i really enjoyed myself last yr and the camp helped me alot in adapting to uni life. so i hope it'll benefit the freshies too! and ya for the honest thoughts from everyone. i know we'll pull thru as a team, we will. let me be there to help more Lord and be an encouragement to every single one of them..

And juggling with my OC too.. ya, i will do up my presentation and just have time to meet my friends lord.. shinyi and val, ping and claire, and so many moreee... God really see me thru..

And just talking to Julie online.. Lord thank you for this friendship and sister I found thru COSI. thank you. i enjoy sharing stuff with her and hearing her share too. Thank you for the many lessons we both learn thru this trip which really make us overcome the giants in life and really draw close to you. Lord help her in her ministry, in bringing her to a great cell, in showing her ur calling for her in the teaching career... Thank you jesus! :) And for always being such an encouragement to me..

And to nicholas who I always feel I have neglected, after stopping tuition with him.. for finally sharing with him all that I am going thru right now..
nicholas D.Da.Dam.Dama says:
want you to noe that always love you as my sista

Lord, enough to make me feel so loved. Thank you jesus! continue to use me and let me be a blessing as I trust you with my whole life. tml is breakfast duty.. need to wake up early and it's almost 4am! give me strength jesus! thank youu! and i pray all these in ur name.. Amen! :)

rained @ 3:35 AM

I feel so blessed by the different testimonies of the celebrities and how God touched their hearts. it never fails to have goosebumps when I hear of how God "scares" us to show us that HE is real.. for scaring jacelyn tay with the lights suddenly being switched on and for showing her how her continuous dreams is actually a revelation in the bible and giving her the scare of her life, yet bringing her to you.. it's amazing Lord :) but it feels so good to know that You truly exists Lord! :) that i am believing in a living God!

so much temptations they faced and yet choosing to honouring you. how vanness chose to gave up his sex life to obey you and to trust u in his wife-to-be :) to see how on fire jacelyn tay is. how the beauty pageants are surrounded by all the depravity of the world, and tempted yet choosing to not sin against you. how the beauty pageants say that our confidence is truly found in God! and thank you God for allowing me to finally find my confidence in you :) that it doesnt matter what the world says as long as it's God's will.. I want to truly obey you in all that I say and do and think and to shine your light to the world, Lord.

and I want to be the woman in proverbs 31.. woman who fears you, who honours my husband, who is strong to go through hardships, who desires to be near the poor, the needy and the lost, who is unafraid to go the extra mile and go through all difficulties to be able to serve You, to serve my husband and to serve my children.. be able to work hard and raise my children in fear of you as well Lord.. Lord, let me die of my self and just shape me into the woman you want me to be.. to be always humble and obedient in your sight. give me the servant's heart and shape me my potter.. i love you jesus.. i love you.. :)

rained @ 11:56 AM

:) gave tuition this morn.. after so long.. aniket still as cute as ever.. still throw his tantrums and refuse to do what he doesnt like, but blabbering non stop at times to tell me abt his experiences.. kids are amazing.. i rmb times where I felt so bad or felt soo tired. but when I go tuition, with him laughing at the simplest thing and doing nonsensical stuff which irritates me just make me smile and cheer up by the end of the tuition.. he really put my patience to test most of the time but really taught me how to teach with love and patience.

Hmm then met wayne, after a long time too. wanted to meet him since super long ago and finally did. and just updated him abt everything. think i need to really meet up with him more often.. like he'll only be informed of stuff after they've occured. really must make known to him when things are progressing as well. it's impt to have christian fellowship and to be accountable to my leader.. but ya. still thank you wayne for being that leader and friend i can always count on for support and advice :)

Yea, and met up with lizzzzzzzzzzzz! :) ate at plaza sing and shopped ard for xiyan stuff.. I really miss her. i rmb the days at xiyan where i was initially damn scared of her coz she's like the manager and was super strict. ya, but after that really knowing her and like how she was open to sharing her probs and secrets with me, and really grew much closer to her. and for the love and concern that she'll shower upon me as I became her admin and for always giving me the best incentives paywise.. for taking my nonsense and laughed like they're the best joke on earth and always saying i am the kai xin guo of xiyan.. and for being that friend who'll listen and encourage me as well. for everything thank you girl! thanks for sharing with me once again today. and ya, things will turn out great and really hope u'll really find your true love and be happily married soon!! i don't have alot of friends who are ard 30 yrs old and yet i can clique so well with. liz is one of them, fay is another. Ya so really thank God for them in my life..

yupp. then liz fetched me to botanic garden to meet my mum. jin lan aunty was there too and so the 3 of us just went to see the concert tgt. thank you jesus for the ease that i feel being around my mum now and just be able to talk to her, hold her hands and hug her more freely. things will be better. i know.. and really very happy, very very happy :) and for dad too for sms-es that were never ever so casual before. thank you jesus for that! And ya, aunty jin lan won the lucky draw thanks to me who was so hardworking in filling in the form for the 3 of us. very little ppl filled in the forms i think although there were so many ppl ard. haha! and so she won! :D yea then had dinner tgt with daddy and da jie too and then backkkk homeeee! Hmm but I just desire more drastic change each day.. for all that I desire to just all come to pass.. but they're coming at such a slowwww pace.. I think I can do more but with my other responsibilities calling for me, there's really nth much that I can do sometimes to really hasten the process.. and i'll be afraid i'll run out of time.. think i really need to trust God more and ask him for more opportunities and time.. i know he's training my patience...

Long but fulfiling day.. and tml trial camp for psych is going to starttt! haha i'll be leading ice breakers and actingggggg as one of the suspect! my favourite coz i m such a drama mama! haaha :)

yea, and jesus. i dunno how well i really am coping sometimes. the joy i experienced recently when I surrendered my life to you.. I want it to grow and not be stagnant.. saying them seem to make them more real and make me realize hey! things are really improving but at the same time, when I think of all the things and feelings of the past time and again, it really makes me doubt if i have really totally surrendered my life to you.. and tell myself why am I thinking abt them again! what else can I do Lord? what else can be done so that I can truly stay close to you every moment of my life and not want to use my own strength to complete things.. To truly depend and obey you in all my thoughts and actions..

And me being me, I m so open to share everything with almost everyone.. and I am very eager to share actually sometimes.. being able to just be honest abt everything and not hide anything from anyone, is sth I like abt myself. "too trusting" my parents and siblings will say.. but Lord I would really love to be able to trust everyone completely.. but Lord, I just realize that this world is just too imperfect for me to do that. so Lord, really teach me to guard my heart.. so that I will be able to say and do the right things at the right time to the right person. so that I not only protect myself from unneccessary harm but also be able to protect others from the harm that I might do unto them unknowngly.. And let me trust and depend on you completely, and just seek you for direction in every situation! Thank you Jesus.. continue to use me and do a great work in me!!!!!!!!

rained @ 12:01 AM

last day of PM.. lord, thank you for the awesome week. learnt so much and grew so much.. thank you Jesus for the courage and confidence i have found in you, Lord. Whatever's to come, I know I will be able to handle them, with you so close to me :) Your plans are to prosper me and not to harm me, to give me a hope and a future. thank you jesus. just feel so happy having you alone in my life.. yup, greater things are still to come.. and Lord, thank you for his understanding and support.. Thank you. I really appreciate it.. I'll trust you in this and I know he too. Now, I just want to concentrate runing and finishing the race well for you, Lord!!

Met up with jody yest, and just felt so happy sharing with her and see her want to go back to God all over again. Lord, just help her grow strong so that when life throws temptations at her that she will not conform to the world.. Help Jody Lord.

And meeting wayne and liz tml and talking to daddy and da jie after that too! it's quite scary but i'm going to fight all the giants one by one!! and i know victory is on my side!!! so come on satan! YINGXIU THE MIGHTY WARRIOR OF GOD IS READY TO FIGHTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!

rained @ 11:00 AM

:) Lord, thank you so so so much... many more fears to overcome but every single day i just feel sth tugging my heart to really change and take the courage to do sth more. to write letter to mum and dad on their anniversary to let them know how much i really love and appreciate them, to send sms-es to let mum know how i m doing, to give mum a call to talk to her... my conversation with mum last time was short and shallow. but i just talked to mum for 2 min and 31 secs on the phone. that's quite an achievement for me. big step forward. and i just teared after hanging down the phone, knowing God is doing sth in my life and in my mum's heart. Thank you I know mum is slowly opening up and really allowing me grow up. thank you for her allowing me to go bintan with THOC. all these to me are not a must but really a privilege that I appreciate and i really really thank God for it. i really hope i will be able to do what yichuan has done one day, soon. to be able to just sit down there and talk to his mum, no topic in particular, just talk.. and just share my life with her :)

Lord, thank you for the talk with felicia last night. I feel so similar to her in so many ways. family, r/s, religion and most of our ideology.. so cool lord. I felt so understood and understand her so well in many ways too. Hope u'll continue to do a great work over her life, Lord and let her know how great a girl she really is.. And Lord, morning prayer meeting is just more and more awesome. I rmb the first PM that i went to. because of the limited slp, I would pray for 10-20 min and doze off praying after that. but this week. really i have been sleeping so little. avg 4 hours. and this morn i only slept 2 hours because of the talk with felicia. but i feel so hyped up and excited and 1 hour of praying is just not enough for me AT ALL! there's a wholeeee list of thing I still want to pray for. for my personal request, for my family and friends, for the church, for the nation, for your kingdom.. Lord oh Lord! thank you I really want to pray at least 1 hour a day even after PM is over, to really charge up the faith and for your kingdom to be done, your will to be done Lord :)

And thank you jesus for sending like minded friends to me. That in this season of breakthrough and change for me, that I have friends who are also hopping on and just wanting to do the same for their lives too.. chuan, huqi, zicheng, felicia.. Lord, you really work in amazing way. that saying that I am an encouragement to them, in many ways they are such an encouragement to me too.. Lord, help me keep my ego in check and let me always know that everything is possible not by my own strength, that wout you I would not be able to complete anything at all.

And Lord thank you for junxiang. I know you truly send him into my life for a reason, for teaching me so much.. that in my heartbreak that I finally found the courage to really want to start doing sth to change the things that i have been unsatisfied with in my life. to love myself more and to be happy having you alone in my life. really hope I'll be able to just continue this good work in you, and just get over the heartache and be able to face him again soon. to be able to meet him face to face to encourage him, as a sister in christ.. And I know what I say will have power when I have done it and conquer it. I'm always praying for you xiang..

"We must be the change we wish to see" &
"We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.”

So true.. I just saw how everyone really desire to see changes in their life. but little people really have the courage to do so. And I admire chuan to really desire that change so much, to really have that courage to face his fears and really encourage me to do the same.. But having God in my life, the journey is really so much easier and so much happier. we can truly only find real happiness with God alone in life :) Thank you jesus!

Lord, so continue to look after me and just see me through all the obstacles in life. I love you jesus and I thank you for the great great breakthrough that is about to comeeee!!! just wait and seee everyone :) Amen!

rained @ 3:22 PM

Morning prayer meeting for the past two days have been so great.. being in the hall with so many people yet all I can feel is God and I alone in the room. As I just begin to face all my giants in life, I am really beginning to experience what it means to surrender your life to the Lord.
I really have no idea how God is going to turn things around for me, in every aspect of my life, but the knowing that He's working and seeing the provisions that He have given to me so far after I took the step of faith, just make me stand in awe of his grace and power..
Now I truly know what it means to "trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your path straight."
I looked at how I was like in the past, wanting so much change yet experiencing so much fear, constantly struggling, refuse to take a step of faith to do what I know is right and to totally let go to let God take charge.
But now Lord, I know I am truly letting go in every aspect of my life to let you take charge.. My love life, my family, my studies, my finances, my church going, my ministry, evangelism...
The fears of facing the giants are there but the peace I get that everything is going to be alright just comforts me so so so much.. Lord, what can I say except thank you... for the love you have for me is soooo soooo soooo GREAT that no words can describe the joy that I feel in my heart right now, every single moment of my life.
And Lord for beginning to allow me to see things from your perspective and begin to shape my heart to be more and more like yours. Lord, I am going to be a mighty warrior, to pray hard and fast for breakthrough in every single aspect of my life.
Lord, I just want to serve you so much all the days of my life, and now my youth I am going to dedicate to you and you alone. And I know that the guy you have willed for me is also one that seek you wholeheartedly, who shares the same love and passion as me, who will want to support me in my ministry wholeheartedly and someone I want to wholeheartedly support too, in all aspects of his life, as long as it's according to your will. I know that's the love you want each couple on this earth to experience, and every other aspects of a passionate love relationship just falls under this.
Now, I just want to guard my heart and be patient, as I make the vow to just serve you. Lord, let me die of my self and just surrender all my desire unto your hand. I love you Jesus and
I feel your burden for friends who have yet to experience this great great joy that I am experiencing in my life right now. I'll keep praying so Lord continue to see me through all the days of my life. I love you Lord, I love you! :)

rained @ 9:48 AM

I sent out the package alrdy. many feelings of unwillingness to let go. hopefully time will mend all hurt. at least now I know I have created a real proper closure for myself and no regrets to talk about. all that i wanted to say and do, i've done it. Though I would like to hear all that u feel and know all that u're going thru, i cant.. but I think I can guess and undstd.. and now for myself, I m just going to trust Lord with all my heart.. time to start moving xiu! and run the race till the day of Jesus Christ!

found this on zicheng's blog..

10th grade
As I sat there in English class, I stared at the girl next to me. She was my so called "best friend". I stared at her long, silky hair, and wished she was mine. But she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it. After class, she walked up to me and asked me for the notes she had missed the day before and handed them to her. She said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

11th grade
The phone rang. On the other end, it was her. She was in tears, mumbling on and on about how her love had broke her heart. She asked me to come over because she didn't want to be alone, so I did. As I sat next to her on the sofa, I stared at her soft eyes, wishing she was mine. After 2 hours, one Drew Barrymore movie, and three bags of chips, she decided to go to sleep. She looked at me, said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

Senior year
The day before prom she walked to my locker. My date is sick" she said; he's not going to go well, I didn't have a date, and in 7th grade, we made a promise that if neither of us had dates, we would go together just as "best friends". So we did. Prom night, after everything was over, I was standing at her front door step. I stared at her as she smiled at me and stared at me with her crystal eyes. I want her to be mine, but she isn't think of me like that, and I know it. Then she said "I had the best time, thanks!" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

Graduation Day
A day passed, then a week, then a month. Before I could blink, it was graduation day. I watched as her perfect body floated like an angel up on stage to get her diploma. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it. Before everyone went home, she came to me in her smock and hat, and cried as I hugged her. Then she lifted her head from my shoulder and said, "you're my best friend, thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

A Few Years Later
Now I sit in the pews of the church. That girl is getting married now. I watched her say "I do" and drive off to her new life, married to another man. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn't see me like that, and I knew it. But before she drove away, she came to me and said "you came!". She said "thanks" and kissed me on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

Funeral
Years passed, I looked down at the coffin of a girl who used to be my "best friend". At the service, they read a diary entry she had wrote in her high school years. This is what it read: I stare at him wishing he was mine, but he doesn't notice me like that, and I know it. I want to tell him, I want him to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love him but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why. I wish he would tell me he loved me! `I wish I did too...` I thought to my self, and I cried.

At least we don't have to go through such a regret right, xiang? :) I know u'll be cheering me on. i'll be doing the same for you too..

rained @ 4:23 PM

yest finally packed everything into an envelope. gonna just grabbed a few more things in hall and then send out the package. cried when I saw all the messages again. it hurts so bad. But I know that when the next time I see them and dont feel any sadness or feeling of being unable to let go, then I know I have really moved on..

15 years to get over a guy. the thought is scary. it may mean that even when I get attached or married, the scar will still stay. But I know whoever the right guy God gives to me, he will be able to accept. And I will know that he'll be that guardian angel who will just see me through my struggle. But I guess it's the lingering feeling that will always make us appreciate what we have in front of us. coz it's the painful experience that will make us really treasure the next good thing that God brings into our life, this does not only apply to BGR but for everything in life.. Ya, but I think I will only be able to face jx when the lingering feeling is totally gone and I really wonder how long it will take.. The thought of not contacting at all hurts, especially when I'm so tempted and esp when we've been friends for more than a decade.. But no! it's the only right and proper thing for me to do now, until u're sure of what u want and until God's plans are clearer for the both of us.

Ya, but I'm so amazed how God just uses my heartbreak to be a comfort to other people. And uses others heartbreak to be a comfort to me. It's really amazing..

"Blessed be the God, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which ourselves are comforted by God." -2 Cor 1:3-4 :)

How more true can this be.. Even though it hurts, when I could just share and encourage others, I just thank God for allowing me to go through the heartache. And I only can say I really gain and grow alot from this r/s. And although there are many things that I still cannot undstd. I will trust God to reveal all the answers to me one day. And all these are to mould me and not to break me..

Today, I just feel so happy spending time with my family. went to visit ah ma and I just ought to show more concern to her. I feel sad that I cant speak her dialect and I can just hold her hand and be with her. Really want to do so much more.. I know I'll be really sad when she leaves and my mum esp, but I just want to be there for my family.

And had lunch with mum and da jie. I am so glad I faced my fear for my da jie. And now the support she gives me, how she helped me speak and even her silent support. It made me feel so touched and feel like crying. But it would be stupid for me to cry on the car with my parents around. haha.

Ya, and then visited expo motherhood fair with my sis. And just bought stuff tgt with her. I can feel my mum's excitement in receiving the baby. I was silly to think my parents werent excited and dint care. My mum doesnt express explicitly but her actions really speak a thousand word. I really have not been sensitive enough to things happening around me. And I really just want to thank God for sending qi, chuan and my sis to teach me how to read my mum's thoughts. And me too. I'm excited in receiving my nephew! and there's just so many things I want to teach him and groom him into!

Ya.. and I have been trying hard to improve my r/s with my mum. but there's just so much more that I can improve. to be able to start a conversation wout having to muster courage to do so or feel uncomfortable doing so. Ya.. God just help me be able to do so..

And for OC.. all of us have many things to deal with in our life now and sometimes the long hours in OC really make us feel so frustrated. But I know all will be worth it at the end of OC. Jia you germ! and zicheng too.. And thank you chuan for the long talk yest. made me feel so much better. yes, tml gonna be a happier and brighter day! :) Thank you jesus!

rained @ 6:06 PM

The closure I needed. The answers I needed. Faced my giant and enough tears shed. I have always been very emotional and it sucks but I thank God for that sometimes, that I am able to just express my emotions the way it is. feel so tired from crying alrdy. And really hope I will have no more tears to shed and when I do that I know I will have more courage to face the road ahead. Now it's really time to move on. Was so scared felt so alone and lost. Knew what needed to be done but was so afraid. Thank God for the courage despite my fear to pack up my fears, talk about my probs, and open to my da jie.

Things between us will be different I know it, for now. And I really cannot help it even though I really wish for otherwise. To be there for you and stuff. But it's too much for me to handle. It really is. I hope I am braver so that I can do more for you, but I am not as brave as I think I am afterall. But I will be Ok. I just need time. The only way for me to move on properly.. is to have you completely out of my life. no contact no meetups. I hope u r reading this xiang and i hope u'll undstd.. hope u'll be happy too!

And now, I just want to concentrate on my studies, on OC, on my family and friends. and concentrate on loving and discovering myself and staying close to God. I will be busy but I will be happy I want to be. I dont want to think about boy-girl-relationship. not till when I've gotten over jx and not till when I have overcome all the giants in my life.. trusting God in the right time in the right guy. Pray for me friends if u know my probs and thank you jesus for staying close to me even in my heartache. ur love just comforts me more than anything else. Thank you jesus!

Xiu's gonna be alright! thank you all my frens for the love & concern showered on me! :) Thank you!

rained @ 1:55 AM