Ping: The baby will be ugly for the first few weeks but u must bear with it ok? coz that's not it's real form! After that it will become very cute.

Xiu and qi: -__-

hahaa. ye tao is such a tiny little thing. he only weighs 2.5kg. i bet he must be slping alot in my sis stomach that's why he hasnt been eating much.. he's so delicate and fragile.. and nth like u say ping. i think he's such a cute thing :) and his eyes are so watery and beautiful. seeing the video of how he was born and being resuscitated. and picture of how my da jie held him while crying.. I couldnt hold back my tears. Thank you Lord. I'll treasure this precious gem u brought into our lives.. :)

YE TAO YE TAO TONG YE TAO!

rained @ 3:00 PM

The bulk of Temasek Orientation is over.. so many months of hardwork. it's finally over. And my starry starry night also ended yest. Overrun the event by so much. And I feel so guilty towards yankai for having to be scolded coz of me. many things could have been done better. But thank God. coz everyone seemed to like the event. I cried when during the debriefing every freshie told me they enjoyed themselves. And I guess nothing is more impt than to see the freshies have fun. and towards the end when we did the series of favourite camp cheers and TH anthem. I felt so much TH spirit for the 1st time. and hearing the lala cheer that I taught being carried out by the whole congregation as a new TH cheer, it's amazing. i'm really looking forward to a new term ahead with a whole new outlook towards hall :)

I sacrificed much. sleepp and sweat but mainly time with my family and frens.. but at the end of the day, all is worth it. Never thought I could emcee like how I did for funfest. When I emceed for pets day in JC, I freaked out and did such a lousy job. When I emceed in chinese for my da jie's wedding, I was silent most of the time and let ah meng do the job. And when I go on stage to perform, I will still feel nervous. But during funfest really went all out and be myself, though some of our jokes werent really appreciated, some really tickled the crowd.. And it's quite amazing how an emcee can entertain the audience. I wasnt that nervous nor self conscious anymore. I believe that's what confidence do. And I thank God for that.

But I cried when I heard that da jie was in hospital, I wanted so much to be there but I couldnt leave OC alone. could only pray and msg da jie. and my da jie is the loveliest da jie one could have. even in her pain, she thought about me and told me that she helped me talked to mum to let me go church once a month. I cried for her love for me. thank you da jie.

Tong ye tao.. Lord, I pray and I pray that he will grow up strong and healthy. Tt there would be no side effect. Thank you Lord for keeping both of them alive. Things could have been worst.. Da jie wanted to give up. Thank God she dint. I want to be a great aunt to ye tao. Reading last lecture about how randy poured a can of soda on his car to tell his nephew and niece that it is ok to dirty his new car, and because he did that, the nephew dint feel that guilty when he puked in the car the same evening.. Lord, I want to be an aunt that would make my nephew know that nth is more impt than my love for him. I want to be an aunt that allows my nephew to make mistakes and grow. I want to be there to support him and teach him things so that he can grow up to be a fine young man, with the fear of the Lord.

A baby indeed can bring so much joy to the family. I know my mum's excited coz when she is, she expresses it through cooking alot of things. and she's cooking damn alot of thing so I guess I'm lucky coz I get to eat them. and also contradiction btw mum and qianjun's mum on how to zuo yue. hahaa poor da jie has to eat alot to satisfy both of them. and daddy, 1st time hearing him laugh so happily over the phone. and thank you all my aunties and uncles for their well wishes. I'm going over to see ye tao and da jie later. The feeling of being an aunt is amazing. I bet it'll be even more amazing being a mother/ grandmother. one more person who i'll love and protect no matter what happens. So I thank God for my family.. thank you Lord. I am really grateful I have a complete family when many other orphans in this world dont have. But thank you for blessing the children at cosi with brothers & sisters in christ.

Pls pray for my nephew for healthy growth if u all are reading this. And thank God i managed to get 3 of my psych mods alrdy :) was so busy I dint even get to bid properly. thank you noob for the help. hahaa u always helping me with this kind of saikang.. Yup, so finally get to rest for a good while before rag dance starts again. Never thought I would do it this yr, but ya, it's sth I wanted to do. so Yup, quite looking forward to it! though I know it'll be tiring.

and really so happy that qi is brought back into my life again. I have been losing touch with her since oc started. and ping, always come visit us if u can ok? and julie, i'm looking forward to a whole new yr ahead tgt with u. and felicia, u r my greatest present from oc. I know this frenship we have will stay for good. I love u dear. and lastly, thank you my Lord for everything!! :)

rained @ 7:17 PM

past week.. been so busy.. and quite homesick.. crying when I was cutting out stars alone in the rag room and esp after they announced that PCP is acty post camp party, which wont happen coz we have too many stuff uncompleted.. Really wanted to go home so bad.. thanks julie dear for telling me to take it as a training for exchange.. I guess it really is.. to be far away from home, with family and frens not physically ard. but knowing they are emotionally and mentally supporting me and making the effort to keep in contact.. so I called mummy and msged gor then I felt better, even though mum made some mean statement.. but I know she wasnt too harsh on me.. and it's true I chose to join Oc, no one forced me.. i m not regretting just homesick..

Ya, then yest after video filming it was quite late alrdy, i fasted yest so was really quite hungry when everything ended ard 8. then they proposed to go eat xiaolong bao buffet. but that will only happen after cheer and dance which will be like 10 plus? then at 1st night meeting will only happen after the buffet.. I was damn sian. coz i dun really wanna join the buffet coz i have so many things undone. plus i was quite hungry and i wanna go home. I rather go home after everything is completed. so i asked if i can skip the night meeting.. that i just want to complete everything and go home.. and chenglong said it's quite impt so i cant miss it. means I must wait for them come back xiaolong bao before can have night meeting which I dunno what time it will be.. i felt really homesick and i cried again when i talked to germ.. but thank God that after tt most ppl ok with having night meeting imm after cheer and dance, before xiaolong bao. so i felt happier coz after i choing my stuff then i can go home. thank you germ & julie for encouraging me. coz the pressure to go was really so big esp when everyone in OC is going. but i'm glad I wasnt pressured to go and so I dint join them.. stayed in Oc room alone to complete my stuff. but i felt so happy. alone with God, playing christian music and doing my stuff.. I really haven got time alone for such a long while alrdy.. But in the end it was quite late alrdy and i still haven completed my stuff.. i dint wanna trouble daddy to pick me up so i told him i would go home the next day myself.. and so i dint manage to go home yest.. And i fell asleep while doing my stuff. when they came back at ard 5am. I woke up and wanted to complete it but liying ask me to just slp and complete tml so i did. and i managed to complete everything within 2 hours this morn by myself! :) and i really felt so happy. coz no more burden. and so grateful to God for multiplying my time and seeing me thru.

So today even though I was late, I managed to have lunch with chic-ka-boom! :) And watched phyllis perform harp! I think it's really cool to be able to play harp.. ya, then went with them back home to kembangan. wanted to go home 1st de.. but no one would be at home.. so i joined them at tok tok's house instead.. and i m glad to be there to bond with chic-ka-boom. And thank God during the long walk from kembangan mrt to tok tok's house, i talked to anna.. and we shared abt our spiritual walk.. I thank God so much that psych camp brought us tgt.. I want to be there as a friend for her.. I dunno what she went thru exactly in e past but I know it's definitely painful and created much fears in her.. I just hope to let her know tt she will always have me as a fren she can confide in if she ever need anyone.. and tt she's really a great girl. it's scary to see the devil using all our bad experiences in the past to steal away all our confidence & doubt ourselves and how much God loves us.. it's scary.. I'm glad I overcame. I hope to see anna overcome too.. and so many of my frens too.. But I thank God psych camp is the beginning of a great fellowship I am going to have with anna.. I anticipate it and I'm excited abt it :) love u babe!

I really thank God I found my confidence. in the past, if anyone would tease me with another guy, like how they did to david and I, I would become super self conscious, even though I would appear ok. I was super fearful of guys. but during the camp and today, I was ok. And I'm glad I am.. and I can acty be quite gracious abt it. it's afterall nth but fun on their part. ya, so really thank God for e change. And I really dun wanna be bothered by BGR stuff at all in the next few yrs to come..

Hmm and thank you andrew for driving me to siglap to meet my council ppl after tt! if not i would have to walk the long walk alone... haha! I tot i could see claire, reb and many more.. even wrote a letter to claire.. so apologetic tt i dint have time to meet her.. but in the end only xinhui, peizhi and waikit was ard. joel joined us late. HAHA! but then I was still happy to see them.. discussed our council day program and had fun laughing at each other and cam whoring! the session was loveeeeeeeeeeeeee! really love. I cant wait to see the rest of the council.. I miss all of them.. each and every single one of them so much! now tt everyone is all over the globe, it's really the memories and friendship we share at council that hold us tgt! and this bond is so unique and special! Thank God for the opportunity to be part of the 30th TJC council family :)

Hmm and I'm soooo glad to be back home.. :) So So happy. it's really recharge for me before Hall orientation starts.. talking to Gor just made me sooo sooo happy! He was making plans with me about driving and about me pulling him to Temasek Hall next yr and saying things about being excited to come to NUS! I really feeel so happy for the change in him.. I dunno if anyone would undstd but to see Gor become like tt, means so much to me.. it's really such an encouragement and I feel so happy.. I really cant wait for him to join me in uni.. I wont be ard with him as he comes NUS coz I'll most prob be at exchange.. but yr 3 sem 2 and yr 4! I hope to be with him at hall and in sch! :) after such a long break since pri sch.. I am looking forward to being in the same sch with him again! I rmb the times he'll come to my class to give me pocket money coz i morning session n forget to take money.. how all my frens would know him as "ying xiu's brother" & all his frens know me as "jian wen's sister".. how he would embarrass me by going to ppl who had crush on me, like ryan, and say things like "heard u are interested in my sister, u better be good to her.." and laughing at me when i cried after I heard ghost stories abt the sch, for standing up for me & trusting in me when I was accused of cheating in a test when my fren was acty the one peeping at my ans & I was trying to let him see better, and also the stupid things we did on the sch bus irritating the bus auntie and uncles tgt! Those time are memories I'll rmb though I cant rmb all the details vividly... Gor always say things like dun want to be in same sch as me coz I'll embarrass him n stuff, jokingly of course.. but now making plans with me.. that's sth new and I am really very excited abt it! :)

Hmm and showing him my facebook pic, telling him abt psych camp and bintan trip.. it's loveeeee! introducing him to all my frens and telling him abt OC too.. I feel so happy having such a conversation with gor. For a long time when I was in sec sch and JC, this was not possible coz of the religious conflict at home, and he started to shun us all away.. even me.. but after I accepted Christ things changed so much btw us, for the better, much much better. we shared much more, even though it's only at intervals. but in my heart, I know I'll always have gor to turn to when everything fails. and I'm so glad for tt.. so glad for him as my brother.. Do u have a sibling too? treasure them coz they're really God's gift to us! :)

Today as I prayed God finally gave me answer to why He is holding back blessings from me.. it's when we dunno wad else to do in our circumstances after we've done all tt we could, that we will realize tt it's God that holds everything in His hand. Then why the delay? When things we anticipate dun come our way, God wants to test us whether we will continue to pray and fast and trust in Him. To God, nth matters more to Him than our heart. The harvest is plenty but the labourers are few. God really wants labourers who are willing to dedicate their everything to see the harvest.. I really want to be one of God's labourer, one of God's soldier. So I will go through whatever God wants me to go through.. All these circumstances are really there to mould me not to crush me.. And I will continue trusting in His promise and believe tt He desires much more than me for me to go church regularly and serve Him greatly.. coz He loves His church, His bride so much.. So I want to be patient and continue waiting on the Lord. I know His promises will be fulfiled in due season.. It will be. but for now, let me continue to fight the battle every week as I ask and face my giant. I know that whatever might happen, I will not be fearful coz I will always have God tgt with me.. and all the sufferings I go through are just temporal.. nth compared to the great blessings from God.. :)

And i must say, Julie Low Wei Shan! I am soooooo proud of u! seeing ur msg tt u r going to serve in children's ministry and joined ur arts cell grp, I smiled. Things have really changed for the better for the both of us after cambodia trip. And I thank God I have u in my life. I cant wait for the new sem ahead with u at A4 tgt with me! :) it'll be a great yr ahead I know..

I just asked mummy abt church and she dint allow.. Hm, I guess I'll just stay at home and spend more time with them.. since I wont be back at home for quite some time coz of orientation.. Thank God I wasnt tt fearful and tt mum wasnt that angry when I asked.. she sounded tt she wanted to spend more time with me.. And so I guess I will.. I really want to show her how much I really love her and care for her.. Lord, pls let my parents know I still love them and think of them even though I am physically absent.. Help me Lord convey my love for them in ways that I cant do it Lord, help me.. Thank you Jesus..

And reading carmen's blog! I feel soooo happy. tickle tickle i dunno if u're reading but if u r, seeing u walk back to God and being close to Him again, I want you to know I'll be so happy coz u r someone I love so much even though we meet up so lil.. going to lighthouse tgt with u, seeing ur family being surrounded by love of God, it's amazing and sth I always desire.. U are so blessed carmen u really are.. all the shit & pain u went thru, I hope one day u'll know why God let u go thru them & I hope u'll find ur comfort in God. Always wanted to see u walk close to God & let Him comfort u and experience e joy tt I receive when I trust in the Lord. But it's been so on off for u.. I dunno how to help u carmen except to pray for u.. And I hope this will really be the starting point for u. coz having God in our life, everything just gets better & better. & everyday is an exciting & meaningful day. I know it coz I am experiencing it. Carmen, u'll be a great doctor. Stay close to the reason why u want to be one & Jia you ok dear! U'll help & save alot of ppl and glorify the Lord. I'll always be here for u and I know u're there for me too. I'll be praying for u tickle.. i love u! :)

rained @ 12:36 AM

THOC is getting busy.. daily night meeting of 9pm becomes 3am le.. so many things to do for my event but i m having no inspiration for my counselor's skit at all.. I need creativity and wisdom man! but I think my girl guides skills are still very useful to me.. I built tripods & put candle holder on it, as one of my decor and everyone's pretty amazed! And I am proud being a girl guides even when I built it :):) Though some of my frens feel quite ashame telling their frens that they were once from guides coz ppl's impression of guides is a bunch of bimbos cheering and singing songs.. haha.. To me, I know I've really learnt alot from it! My 1st time learning to be a leader, learning to be discipline as our seniors tekan us, all the camps & Pts that trained my endurance, from all the times I dun feel like doing things and still have to do nonetheless-- I learnt abt servanthood, all the bonding we had as a patrol & as a jie, though we hardly meet, when we meet the memories we share never fail to bond us tgt.. & through all the experiences I had in guides, I knew myself better.. Once a guide, always a guide! I'll always be proud being one!

And gor msn me yest.. it was random occassion tt he showers love on me since he's usually so cold towards me.. but when he does, I feel so touched. I know he cares just tt he dun show.. Thanks gor, I'll grow up & I'll grow strong.. And no matter what happens in our lives, I know I'll always have a brother like you to count on, who I know will not leave me no matter what happens. And even when mummy & daddy say mean things about u, in my heart i m so proud of you for overcoming so many things in ur life.. & I think u r doing such a great job even though they may not think so.. I saw how Christ brought u from the pitfall of ur life to where u r today, wanting to work hard and depend on Him.. I saw how much u grow close to Him.. I saw how only His thoughts mean to you tt despite all the discouragement around u, u are hardly discouraged.. And u inspired me to want to do the same.. Thank you gor.. Thank you that through ur coldness I really learnt independence and to lean on God alone instead of people.. And I know tt u did that so tt I can grow up coz u want me to be able to go thru life trials depending on God.. Though sometimes I hope you are more caring and more approachable, but I guess that's just the way u r, the brother that God wants me to have.. And times when I've overcomed with the grace of God, I thank God for a brother like you. And I know I wont be better with any other kind of brother, you're the kind of brother God wants me to have.. so thank you gor.. :)

Ya.. I finally moved to my A4 room yest and I felt so happy! :) clean up my whole room and it's good to shift into a clean room. slept there too! no more michelle the pillow at night.. I hope to be able to clean up my own home room totally too! never ever seem to have the time to do tt. and even when I have the chance to do tt, the final state still looks very messy.. coz I always dun bear to throw away stuff.. inherit from my mum.. so my room is like a store room with tons of useless stuff.. haha! I cant imagine when I grow up and have to be in charge of a house by myself, how I am ever going to manage it.. that's why I think mummy is so good. that even though there's alot of rubbish in my house, somehow mummy hides them and organized them well.. and when we need stuff, we'll always be able to find sth ard my house. I should inherit that tidy part of her as well so that I can be a good housewife. I think living in hall really gives me the chance to learn tt.. And we always complain about mummy being a garung guni and keeping so many useless stuff around the house, coz we get so envious when we visit fren's house which are so neat and organized, and hope our house is like tt too. but recently, I m learning to appreciate this imperfection.. Messy yet homely, this is the way my home is.. I grow up in such an environment.. And I treasure this environment.. I dun think I'll trade to be in any other home, other than mine. It's uniquely this way & I thank God for placing me where I am.. For my family, frens & envtment I am placed in so tt I am who I am today..

God's strength really sustain me thru my daily life. even as I live a life of total surrender, I feel so carefree.. And the knowledge tt He is always with me gives me so much joy in my heart.. continue to guide me in all my ways Lord.. Amen! :)

rained @ 1:28 PM

back from bintan!! it was quite a nicee place.. the moment we got down we got greeted by their traditional dance.. spent alot of time chilling.. did jet ski, scuba diving, laser quest, archery.. And alot of time slping! hahaha! and fel and I did our syncronize swimming routine with karann being our instructor.. jet ski was damn exciting.. dom almost made my heart drop. Chenglong tried to do stun and we flew into the sea twice. HAHA! damn painful.. scuba was not that exciting coz the fishes werent very active and the sea was not very clear. but I had fun talking and singing to the fishes. HAHAHA! Laser quest was super fun! damn tiring though.. and i am 2nd top scorer! won the 2 commandos max and karann :P hahaha karann calls me the camper but the fact is I am really pro. heh! And archery was not bad but i was really bad. HAHAHA! i think i have twice the amount of arrows on the field than on the board. haha! :) Yup, though the things there are kindda ex, it's really quite a nice place for retreat :)

OC gonna get real busy.. alot of things to be done but somehow I dun get the urgent feeling yet.. Ya, need to work harder and stop slacking so much.. Hmm and read rebecca's blog. so touched darling! Makes me feel so encouraged. I miss you too.. I'm so sorry my dear frens. 3 more weeks and I'll be free to meet u all!!! 3 more weeks.. Go Go Jia You Xiu!

rained @ 1:23 PM

Psych camp ended.. it was awesome for me. I always liked the personal touch feeling that it aimed to give every freshie, to give them the best exp and to have their welfare as our top priority. And my grp name Chic-ka-boom, I came up with it damn randomly.. but the puzzle piece symbol, anna purposely chose it.. many of them came half heartedly & not knowing what to expect. Though there's many problems in the programme, forgetting to print instruction sheets, forgetting to inform abt torches, staff club which offered totally lousy service.. I'm glad we managed to overcome all the probs one by one.. And during one of the super long filler time, germ and I managed to entertain the freshies with our funny antics and random lame jokes. haha so now all the juniors know my superman-batman-spiderman jokes, charsiew bao jokes and many more.. And not forgetting Mystery Investigation suspect acting. I acted as a schizoprhenic women with 2 imaginary frens, kelly & shawn. And now because of my dearest frens, freshies now believe I really wasnt acting. HAHA! Ya, but to me, every competition werent as impt as the friendships & memories made. And the ribbon ceremony just now. I was so touched. coz everyone shared their deepest thoughts & fears.. And I'm so happy they did. coz it's thru e sharings tt I truly come to know each & everyone of them better..

And personally I dun think I really deserve to be the best facil. coz I know all the sacrifices anna made, & every single other people too. The guys who'll stay thru e night with the freshies to bond with them, when I totally cannot make it wout e slp. And rachel & samantha who'll always stay behind to comb the group to make sure everybody is ok. I know I really cant do wout them.. Thank you so much all for standing by me.. Thank you so much.. Reading Anna's msg for me made me feel so touched. She said tt when she said she wanted to join my grp coz she wanted to laugh, it wasnt true. coz to her, I strike her as someone responsible & dependable, yet enthu & fun. And tt's why she wanted to walk the journey with me. And I'm so glad you did coz I really enjoyed walking this journey tgt with you too.. You taught me so much.. And rachel, thank you for the working exp tgt. I know she din really wanna be perm facil this yr de. And also after knowing I was in the same grp coz I was very siao at camp last yr & she scared she cant keep up with me.. I'm glad you realized tt it's not as bad as u thought it would be. HAHA! And thank you for being always there with the grp when Anna & I are away.. :) And samantha too for rushing to & fro btw admin & helping rachel.. And for dorothy michelle & huihui for the contributions u all made one way or another.. Thank you!

I really thank God for the opportunity to be part of this planning comm in psych camp tgt with the rest who shared the same passion & dreams to make this camp a great one for the freshies.. Though I am so stretched I feel so fulfiling.. It's impt for me to have passion in whatever things I do.. Swimming, guides, 30th council, volunteering. But I seem to lost it when I came to uni, came to hall, where doing things are more of a chore rather than of passion.. But thank God I found my passion again this holiday, I began to see the senior's love for temasek hall as I joined THOC. And through psych camp, I see the love & passion the seniors have for the psych soc which make them come back even yrs after they've graduated.. It's just like another council family for me. I know it's really not by chance tt I manage to do this 2 orientation this holiday.. Though I hope I have more time to spend with my friends & family, I really dun regret joining.. I am really looking forward to the new semester & I'm all charged up to do my best in studies & to serve!

And life is really fragile.. I cant imagine having someone so dear taken away from me overnight. Lord, please keep my family & all my friends in good health. I know you hold the heaven & earth in ur hand & everything in life happens for a reason.. And to xiang, thank you for ur msg. It meant so much to me. Jia you! U know I'll be praying for you..

And God I know things will improve at home. I faced obstacles again from my mum again last sunday when I wanted to go church & felt quite discouraged. But Thank God for Da Jie for not giving up and holding on tgt with me. for encouraging me tt it's still possible. Not tt I dun believe tt God will make a way fr me. but hearing it from Da jie just makes me feel a whole lot better :) I cant thank God enough for my Da jie, for asking me to find time to talk & communicate with er jie more, for always making statements tt make all romance on drama look fake & telling me that things like tt dun happen in real life, so it makes me get out of my fantasy world! and for always caring for the family even though she's married.. I cant ask for a better sister, really.

Hmm tml going to bintan for the weekend. only be back on sun. I cant wait to bond with oc. having not seen them for almost a week, I really beginning to miss them le! esp seeing dom dom and karann just now. Yup, so things are good and will get better! And module preferencing starting! Need to start asking what others are doing le.. realized tt it's quite impt to have frens taking same mods as me.. Yup, enjoy the weekend everyone! xiu is going out of town!! :)

rained @ 10:36 PM

Hmm was just looking thru ppl's blog and updating their blog addresses on my blog. I had been lazy and had not updated in a long while.. Many have locked up their blogs and made it private.. many others whom I have lost contact with, their blogs had expired.. But for those who I still have, it's really a good way for me to know how all my dear friends are doing.. so for those friends who are reading my blog and I dun have ur blog address, will u link me so that I can add u? So that I can know what is going on in ur life too? (:

Tml is going to be a 2nd time I will go to st andrew's, I really hope.. Every week is like a battle for me to face my giant. Yest on the car, dad asked me about st andrew's and I told him the experience. He seems ok with the church.. They seem much happier if I go there than if I go city harvest. but I felt so sad when dad made the comment, that indicated that they're still very anti-christianity. And statement about wanting me to give up Christianity coz I am still unsure of what I want.. I felt so sad.. I thought they have been more open alrdy, and see my love for Christ & that I wont give up no matter what, apparently not. There's still so much more to do.. not time for me to relax at all, Lord.. I felt discouraged for a lil while but I know that I am not going to give up no matter what.. it wont benefit the rs at all if I continue to compromise to make them happy. And so even if it'll make them upset now, and knowing that they're upset makes me upset too.. but I still have to fight for what I want. if not it'll be worse.. and it is destructive for me not to face my fears.. Brickwalls in life are for us to prove how much we want sth.. I must not be affected by discouraging words by ppl coz my confidence and encouragement is found in the Lord.. and what He tells me to do, He'll complete the work and I will follow Him.. Never will I give up, never will I give in.. So help me Jesus, coz I am so weak and wout ur help and strength and intervention, I am really helpless.

Mum is so afraid tt being a Christian would make me weak & dependent in life, coz my mum is such a hardy person she wants us to work hard in life too. It's true tt knowing Christ I realize how weak I am and how I must depend on the strength of the Lord. But depending on God does not make me weak, it doesnt make me someone wout visions and goals.. in fact, God makes me stronger.. God gives me motivation to pursue things in life.. God gives me purpose to everything that I do in life.. I no longer cruise through life, because everyone is doing the same & doing things tt the society requires.. But I do because God speaks to me & let me know why I am doing what I am doing.. like studying hard so that I will be a teacher of influence, to earn money so that I can feed the poor and clothe the needy, to have fun & treasure everything that I have because it is given by Him and I'll never know when is my last day on earth, to mend rs because God loves every single one of them and so I must love them too the way God loves me...

God's words are my bread of my life.. "With God nothing is impossible" is what encourages me when I feel hopeless..
"In Christ we are a new creation, the old has gone the new has come" is what encourages me when I doubt myself..
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him and He will make your path straight" is what encourages me when I feel discouraged..
"I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness", "I will never leave you nor forsake you" is what encourages when I feel rejected and persecuted..
And so much more love messages from God to me to uphold me whenever I am weak & feel like giving up..
Jesus' love for me & great commandment is what make me forgive & love people whenever I feel angry & bitter & tempted to hate..

I hope my parents will see one day how much God's love has transformed me & how much I love Him too.. And I hope one day they will realize how much God loves them too & be able to love Him back coz God's heart aches whenever a child of His rejects Him.. I know coz I know the heart of my Father in heaven... Lord, use me so that I can do what you want me to do.. break my heart for what breaks yours, everything I am for your kingdom's cause.. I know you carry me with your everlasting arms & you'll never let me go, through it all.. I am so imperfect so pls perfect me and mould me to become the person u created me to be.

Lord, I know you put desires in our heart, like the desire to have an eternal life & the desire to have a companion, for a reason.. but Lord pls let me not fall into temptations.. For you use them for the good but devil uses them for the bad. So let me be able to resist temptations and whatever things that doesnt come from you, pls take them away from me. coz it hurts, it really does hurt so badly sometimes.. Many times, I hope to find comfort in people, but at the end of the day, I realize my greatest comfort still comes from you. And I should not feel disappointed when people don't meet my standard, coz true love is sacrificial and does not demand anything.. And I should see people the way God sees them and not the way I see them. I must continue loving even when it is not reciprocated.. Let me be able to love the way you love Lord coz I still feel so far away from your standard..

I hope to fulfil all your plans for me with a companion by my side. But Lord, if it's in your plan for me to be single this lifetime, I know I'll be happy being single too as long as it's in ur plan. I'll rmb aunty betty, I'll rmb Mother Theresa, and I'll rmb the kids at cambodia. I'll travel the world with you Lord, and I will complete everything you want me to fulfil this lifetime alone, together with you.. I'm not being pessimistic, I'm still hopeful.. I just want to live a life that surrenders wholeheartedly to the Lord.

And this song that claire and reb shared with me before A levels result was released.. and reminded me that nothing in life is as impt as the work of Jesus, so no matter what our results turn out to be, we must surrender it to the Lord.. This song never fails to bring tears to my eyes. Thank you Jesus for your love for us when you died on the cross.. Thank you Father!

rained @ 2:17 PM

I've learnt that we cannot trust our heart completely coz it wavers so much. Only in God can I put my whole heart & trust. I dunno if my heart is becoming harder towards BGR. maybe.. but it doesnt seem like a bad thing. means I am becoming stronger, more discernable & really guarding my heart.. and less of that emotional, always trusting girl, that Gor always say is bad for me, who my parents always worry tt I am.. but I know I'll forever remain soft towards You my Lord.. Coz you are the only faithful one who loves me throughout in the past, now and forever.. I hate it when my heart rules my mind but I will not let it take control.. I will keep to my vow & so I should stop worrying, at least in the next few years to come.. and I must learn to resist all temptations that come my way, or simply run away from them.. Coz I know I am still healing & it still haunts me so badly from time to time, and I will never be ready until I am in my full self in Christ. So let me stay true to my vow & keep my focus on you Lord, and just stay happy having you alone in my life! (: And just keep whatever friendships that I have pure and platonic..

rained @ 11:08 AM