I guess i will be blogging here much lesser. Blog is a mean for me to share my thoughts but more for me to let my friends know how I am doing. But now, I'll let my friends know how I am doing, personally. I will learn to face all fears & challenges in life alone, with God.. Everyday is like a learning day from God to me. Now, I find blogging time consuming, when I can spend my time doing other more meaningful things. I find my diary a better source for me to express my thoughts, I find certain feelings better shared with God alone. So yup, lesser posts gonna be up here. But xiu still loves u guys all the same! :) LOVE LOVE! <3

rained @ 1:35 AM

We all have to make important decisions in our life at certain points in our lives. Just few days ago, I had to make one. After much struggles, talking to friends, seeking of advices & praying, I finally made my decision to join JCRC. it wasnt an easy decision for me to make at all. But like Julie said, God will ultimately make time for me.. If miracles can happen to non christians & they could have the faith to believe, what more me a child of God. All the more I must believe in the power of the Lord and for Him to do the impossible for me in my life. Sometimes all we need is really that step of faith. And also about my post of swimming captain. perhaps it's really coz craig saw my fears tt he made me the captain. To challenge me to step up to do the things I never imagine myself to do. Am I continue to be like how I am? To want to backup coz I have no directions on what to do? To put a limit to my capability? I will never know until I try. I will never know how far I can go until I give myself the chance to stretch myself. There's no perfect style of leadership. My ultimate goal is just to get a gold for IHG swimming, the process-it's really up to me. And so I am just going to trust God that He will make me lead with my own style & make me discover what kind of leader I really am. To serve like I've never done before & not just follow the formats of what other people had already done. For me to explore new terrains with the guidance of God. Rally is on Monday.. As much as I despise the politics that will be involved, I cant avoid them. But it's really up to me to not take part in them and just do my job well & serve with love. For although I am in the world I am not part of this world. Servant leadership, it's always what I have been believing in. So even as I am placed in the post as a JCRC member, may God use me to shine His love & may I be a reflection of Jesus' style of leadership, servant leadership.. :)

Meeting up with claire lim,shaik & catching up with them, lunching with huixian, stayover with carmen & catching up till wee hours till we fall asleep, HTHT with qi, ping, fel, julie, chuan and many more. These are the things I hold dear to my heart. Even as I become busier and busier. I only can pray to God that I will not neglect my friends & family & still be able to find time for them..

Yest celebrated gor's 21st bday, we ate at East Coast Korean BBQ. I love that place coz it's cosy & allows us to interact. I love the way I am able to be more myself in front of my family now. For us to share our cold jokes.. Like erjie's "Why are you not able to take a photo of a woman with a hair curler?" "Because you cant take a picture with a hair curler!" which is not funny but nontheless able to bring a smile to my face coz she laughed at it like it's the funniest joke on earth. & how Gundy tried to speak chinese. & how he commented that drinking more shoju can make my mum sing better, and I saw mummy am chio. haha! And on the car how I shared with mum & dad abt my struggle of wanting to pull out of JCRC and my decision to want to stay on after tt coz I really want to challenge myself. And their advices to me. All these positive interactions, they're breakthroughs for me. And I finally am able to experience the joy of being able to share freely wout having to hide anything. Work is still on its way but I really thank God for the progress I have been making :)

So happy bday to my dearest Gor! and many thanks for his long long bday wish for me. Some of his worries are unduly, and I'm glad I cleared things with him. But through his msg, I truly saw how much he worries & cares for me. So thank you Gor, I love you! And will always thank God for a brother like u! :)

Yup, and yest finally am able to fill the board in front of me & clear my room after much procrastination. And it feels good. The msgs from the cambodia kids, pictures of my love ones & words of God are mainly what fill up my board. These are also motivations for me to go on in life. For me to know how blessed I am and treasure what I have, for me to know how much I am being loved & supported by my love ones, and to know that God will be with me no matter what happens in life! It's also because of all these that I have the courage & determination to soar & pursue what I want in life wout any holdbacks. And for things that God has taken away from me, they will always be a part of me & will always be a constant reminder for me to treasure whatever I have now.. And for things that God is holding back from me, it is a test of my faith for me to continue trusting in Him. To believe that all things will definitely work together for the good for all those who love Him, who are the called according to His purpose.. :)

rained @ 10:38 AM

After so long, I finally had the chance to finish walking the path of henderson waves. This time round I started from mount faber instead & stopped by hort park for my 2nd time. But this time round it's with daddy & other elderlies.. It was a path of reflections & memories for me. But I did enjoy the serene feeling. Thank you God for creating the beautiful nature that we can enjoy. Thank you God for giving us memories that we can always look back on but at the same time giving us a hope & a future which we can look forward to as well.

Aniket's dad called me. Although I kindda expected it alrdy, but it still felt sad when the phonecall finally came. So we're gonna terminate the tuition alrdy. coz they are going to return back to india for some time and when they're back, aniket is going to start schooling in a new school and no longer going to learn chinese. It's been a great journey i must say. Initially I really just wanted extra allowance, gradually the pay became so little but I still continued because I fell in love with Aniket & teaching him chinese. I'll rmb the days where I felt so downcasted and have to drag myself to tuition, but aniket never fail to cheer me up by the end of the tuition. I'll rmb the days where I'm so tired & trying so hard to keep awake during lessons. I'll rmb the days he threw tantrums at me and refuse to learn & taught me how to be patient. And all the laughters & smiles he brought to my face. This is in remembrance of my dearest tuition kid Aniket.. :) I'll miss him & all the nonsense stuff we did tgt!! like yoga chinese lesson & accusing each other of being ma lai ren!!

rained @ 12:10 AM

Just watched this show liar liar on tv. about how jim carrey was unable to tell lies because of a bday wish that his son made. it is a comedy but it is very touching too. By not lying, jim carrey got into alot of troubles, but because of telling the truth he gained back the important things in his life, his son and wife. the truth indeed sets us free. just like in the show, in our life, we are often caught in a struggle to tell lies. sometimes we tell white lies, at other times we simply dun tell the truth because we want to hide our feelings & judgements abt others, we dun wish to form bad blood. & other times we lie to cover up our past or fears or things we are ashamed of. if only everyone could be honest about all their thoughts and not be afraid of what others might think or say. and only if everyone could be receptive of criticisms & take them in positively. And if only everyone will learn to accept tt ppl make mistakes, not to judge & to see the good in everyone. Then I think the world will really be such a better place.

I admit I am not perfect & definitely struggle with telling the truth too. My struggle comes from bad experiences from the past, which makes me fearful of the consequences of telling the truth. It's so difficult sometimes but I thank God that I am slowly overcoming and learning to tell the truth whenever I am caught in a struggle. To be unafraid of how people might think or say of me, coz I know as long as I am answerable to God, it's more than enough. With my character it is difficult for me to lie or not be honest with people.. But I thank God for always having frens who I can share my thoughts with, who I know will listen to me & support me, even if they may not agree with what I am doing. And I like this characteristic about myself, I think the load is lesser off our shoulder when we share. I used to not share everything too, I feel it's ok to keep some secrets to ourselves. but it's only after reading the purpose driven life that I decided that I want to share, and it felt great when I first started sharing with yulin.. Though even after sharing, things do not change & we still have to face the struggle, the joy of sharing sets us free & the support we get encourages us to fight on. From then on, I realized God sends ppl around us to counsel us, but it's only when we are willing to share that the counsel can work. And that's when I really began to share. No one can force us to share but I really hope everyone will be able to face their true self too & be unafraid to share their struggles with people & be able to face their fears. Coz I've been there done that & I only can say it's really good to be able to do that..

Now, I am still learning to share more with my family and be able to be my true self at home. sometimes, there are things I really want to share with them. but when it comes close, I swallow my words. Things have improved alot but it is still a constant struggle for me, built up since young, but I am determined to overcome it. And I know God will work through my honesty.. And for all the lies that I used to say, it'll take time for the trust to be gained back again.. Yes, just my thoughts & reflections after watching the movie. But I think it's good to always reflect on our lives. when I do that I discover more about myself & learn to love myself more the way God created me to be. So cross fingers that I can go church tml! And just now I cradled tao tao to sleep, my 1st time, coz I only can visit him during the weekend. But he fell very quickly asleep in my arms and I felt so happy being able to hold him! I hope he'll grow up strong & healthy & it's really a blessing to see him grow bigger day by day! :)

rained @ 10:05 PM

All of us should be brave to face our feelings & emotions & not be afraid or run away from them.. Our greatest enemy is really ourselves.

Yest night, I slept very late coz I had a talk with julie & wrote the letter to say everything that I wanted to say. Talking & praying with julie just made me feel so loved & blessed. Thank you darling for everything, for being there when A4 seemed so lonely yest. This sisterhood & friendship I found through Cambodia trip, I'll treasure it forever :)

Today, I find myself keep falling asleep during lecture coz of the lack of sleep. Really, after everything is settled, I am going to slp at least 7 hour a day. How to study well if I always find myself lacking slp & unable to concentrate. But after 8am lect, managed to rest for a while then went out for lunch. I am suppose to meet waikit and don. but somehow kitty invited his colleagues and so I found myself eating lunch with 5 army boys! hahaa. lucky woman of the day! but ya, i did enjoy meeting new ppl and catching up with waikit, don and micheal. Today, i finally met up with eugene don long. after almost 1 and a half yr of avoiding him. I find the whole session very nice. I find myself feeling very happy being to joke around and laugh tgt with him very naturally, as normal friends wout any sense of awkwardness anymore. thank you waikit. hahaa it may just be a normal organising of lunch session from u, but it means alot to me :) And i m so proud of u for being an example & being a good brother to them. And for ur detailed planning to get into business sch! haha. though I laughed very loud when u mentioned the chinese business plan coz I think it's a super novel idea, I think all ur plans to get into business sch are really good plans! so go for them if u really want k! :)

Yup, and then went lecture and lib to study. And I totally forgot that karann is a spoilt alarm clock. of how he would not wake me up even after telling him. happened to me whole of last sem, I totally forgot abt it & acty asked him to wake me up again just now. hahaha! which failed as usual. yup, and then went to have dinner with chickaboom. though it was only 5 of us, anna tzehao daniel huien and me, the session was love! :) I enjoyed their company very much and it's happy to see the juniors hanging around tgt for lectures and in sch! :) we had a feast and they totally fed me like a pig. and then we celebrated hui en's bday!! happy bday dear hope u had a good surprise.

Ya, then after tt came back sch for IBG meeting.. And next mon VCF 1st hall meeting! Julie & I cant wait to see all the juniors who are going to come, and we wanna share abt our cambodia trip too! :) And I am going to lead icebreaker!

Yup, we all must face our fears! I thank God for always here with me to guide me & comfort me. And to you, thank you for everything tt u've caused me to see & learn. Nothing better to say except sorry & thank you. Yes yes yes, I dun wanna get distracted anymore. Readings are piling up! Now rise up, study & serve! JRCR nominations starting next week. xiu is going to chiong ahhh!!!

rained @ 12:22 AM

today is not exactly 1st day of sch. but 1st day I really spend my time in school the whole day running around from place to place like a student. textbooks are bought and the time to start studying alrdy. I was late this morn for lesson coz of yest hall bash, the event was really quite fun, maybe except the blowjob game. But great job to all the pageant candidates and DND comm :) I think it's a great job. and it's one of the many occasions I would agree to go club. But yup, i came back early with qi and chuan. and slept after talk with ping. but somehow I guess the accumulation of tiredness from morning prayer meetings made me ignored all my alarm and phonecalls. So dint manage to go morning prayer meeting & i was late for class. And muthu, bet he overslept too.. made me miss karann tan and the days we took MA1312 tgt! But thank God I'm so glad of my decision to go for lesson even though by the time I reach the lecture hall it was like 1130. I managed to sit thru 15 min of lessons! And I was very glad to see michelle poh... but boy I was even more glad when I saw Ulrica and azlin walk in!! :) it was a small class of only 20 plus students and to have people I know there! I felt so so so blessed and thankful. At least I dun have to go class alone when muthu pons lecture. hahaa.

So I managed to talk alot to ulrica. I think she's a very cute and nice girl :) we're both a lil siao siao so can clique quite well. And I find that she's a very mature girl behind all her siaosiao-ness found out she's a moeta too! and gonna minor in maths! so happy! means we can take modules tgt! :) and then after lect met sherine for lunch. and i'm so happy to catch up with her after so long! I miss u dear. thanks for listening & sharing dear :) let's keep pressing on & running for God. our days will come! :)

Then saw elaine, gaomin, val and anna at the central forum. like chickaboom outing! and anna passed me her cognitive notes. And I went to library to study! then somehow ulrica, tabitha and weiyang joined me in the lib. dom dom dropped by too. hahaa and I felt so loved eating the cookies that anna baked for me. it's really yummy! love leh Anna! i spent like 3 hours in lib but only managed to study 10 pages. cog really needs alot of understanding. but i think it's a good start to the term. and then went to meet chamayne help her buy textbooks. then went to print notes. and then went for psych welcome tea!

it was really nice seeing all the freshies and psych ppl again! chickaboom are greedy ppl. esp david loo who came just for food. and left when he found out there isnt any. hahaha! yupp and I was made to tell jokes (as usual) and to share. haha I am really running out of jokes! I cant rmb all the jokes which I used to say to yayi & my students for an hour plus. but I really enjoyed the mingling around after tt. knew a few exchange students. Calvin, Ben, Bonnie. and they're really funny. telling me abt USA and calvin about his family background as vietnamnese refugees and how they ended up in USA. it was really really interesting. and the jokes they cracked really made me laugh so much. And to hear about the different culture. I cant wait to go for exchange! :) UC san diego one of my choice! :) And with the freshies too! sharing experiences with them really make me treasure my 1 yr in NUS. I am really beginning to love and enjoy what they say as the university experience. it's really nth fanciful. but really what u made out of it and how much u really want out of the short stint as a uni student. And I'm glad I'll never be someone who will just mug my way thru. that even when I mug hard, I will never give up activities which will make up a balance & fulfiling uni life.. And it's truly thru all these daily activites that I will shine for Jesus!

Yupp! so gonna go for block meeting now. tata! :)

rained @ 9:44 PM

How does jesus feel on the calvary when the people he loves do not love him back? it must have hurt him very badly too. I find it difficult to verbalise my thoughts and feelings nowadays. everything just seem to be bottling up within me, i dunno who to turn to. I miss sharing my life with you. But now, I can only cry out to my Lord. And I thank you Jesus for being my only comfort. it's so difficult. I want to get over you so badly, but the feelings just keep coming back. I am getting so tired of struggling with this feeling over and over again. Maybe I should stop rushing myself. Maybe I should just truly let go, believe that all these really happens because it's part of God's plan and stop troubling myself with questions which I'll never have answers to. Maybe I should stop doing this by my own strength and just let God and time do the healing. Maybe I should just admit that I am not that strong afterall wout God's grace in my life. Maybe I should stop being harsh on myself and just take my own time for as long as I need. I feel responsible for everybody's feelings but maybe I should just let God do that and just take a break for myself.

Meeting with yulin today and sharing with her all that happened to me the past few months just reassured me that God is indeed with me, throughout. I dunno what the future holds. And I just realize how God always pushes us to situations where we have to make critical decisions. that the process moulding doesnt end just because we're tired. that He'll keep pushing and pushing us. But at the same time, ironically when we depend on him, we can find so much strength and courage to carry on. This song from yulin's blog just kept ringing in my head.



"I miss you like crazy.." I hope all these crazy feelings that I feel will all go away one day. that we'll be able to meet again as friends. It's sth I always wish for and sth I always feel sad abt. wondering whether things might be different, whether things will remain e same btw us if I'd never told u how I felt abt u. But I dun think the feelings I had then was any better than e feelings that I am feeling now. So how am I to feel? Looking at the work of Jesus on the cross, I found my answer. When the people Jesus loves denied him and crucified Him, He chose to continue loving.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves.

Lord teach me to continue loving even when things get difficult and when it is easy for me to give up loving and focus on the bad feelings that I have. Let me remember you and continue to possess the spirit of love. Let me be able to love like you have loved me. Love is always about giving and not receiving. Let me rmb this and continue loving Lord, trusting that truly one day ur plan will unfold so clearly in front of me.. that this is just a period of moulding for me to be more and more like you Lord.. to be more and more like you..

rained @ 3:10 AM

Finally all over. it had been a great 3 months break for me.. Cambodia, OC, Psych camp, Bintan, Hall orientation & Rag, a time of healing, a time I picked up my life, a time where I overcame my fears, a time I stepped out to do the things that I never dreamt I would do, and truly a time where I learnt and grew so much as a person.

I thank God that He was with me all along. I thank God for friends who were there with me by my side. I thank God for new friends & fellowship I made along the way.. New semester is starting. I dunno what to expect but I am really quite excited. Approaching sch, approaching hall, approaching my family & friends, and approaching life with a brand new attitude & perspective. It's indeed great to submit everything to the Lord. For I know I can give thanks in everything that happens to me & coz of Jesus, I know that I can be more than a conqueror in all my circumstances..

My priority in life to love & give, let me not lose it when things get busy in school. I want to go through this semester with the grace of God, to excel in my studies and every other aspects of my life, volunteering, hall activities, spending time with my family & frens, and to catch all my dreams.. I know it'll be great! :) I m indeed so blessed, so so blessed. And I really want to thank God again for people around me, my family & friends.. Thank you for all the love & support, they mean so much to me. If u are one of them, even though I always seem so busy, pls know that I have not forgotten you, and that I still do care & love you! And to my faithful Father in heaven, thank you for everything for I know that wout u, my life will never ever be complete. Thank you Lord for this love & life u've given me..

So xiu is going to charge forward for the new sem ahead! And today is national day! Spore is indeed a blessed nation, and because we're blessed, we're called to also be a blessing to other nations! NDP with Anna in a few hours' time! looking forward to it! HAPPY BDAY SPORE! :)

rained @ 12:25 PM

while waiting for my 2 good frens ping and qi to come back with supper, i decided to come here to blog. been so busy with rag cheer and dance practice.. think we're all kindda courageous to join THOC, rag cheer & dance. both had been fun though it's super tiring, the costume super revealing and many injuries from cheer. but thank God that i only suffer minimal blue-blacks.

though i've been having very lil slp, i'm glad tt i still managed to talk to chuan yest, and able to talk to qi the past few days. anw today while doing flag day, was talking to qi and she was telling me abt julie's vision. julie feels that rag & flag day in nus has lost its meaning coz the money used in floats often exceed the amount collected during flag day. and instead of promoting environmentally friendly msg, ppl are wasting things in order to get the materials needed to build the float. so julie's idea was that instead of spending so much time on float, why not use the time to spend time with children in an orphanage. using our time spent there we can teach them to do handicrafts & using what they've done to create a collage that could be used for the main float. and we can also teach the children dance and allow them to perform on the float on the day of rag & flag. I felt so touched when I hear the idea coz i think it is so brilliant. such a float is really a much better way to thank the public for their donation. and a more meaningful thing coz the focus would be on the children and less on a float. and they were saying that we at least can win 3 awards. haha. which is least cost, most environmentally friendly & most creative. I think the meaning of rag and flag got lost along the way, but I think if really such an initiative really push through, it will really make people rethink the real purpose of rag & flag.

Hm but chenglong says that there would be alot of obstacles, at least from a lot of graduating seniors who had done mega floats. and therefore if we really want to go forward with such an initiative, much more planning has to be done. and we either build a great float with a great purpose that would make a great impact or if it's not up to std, then it might be the last time such an initiative will be allowed. but i still think it's a much greater idea to spread the msg of helping the unfortunates, & at the same time a showcase of creativity. I really wont mind leading such a proj. but with teaching attachment at yr 2 sem 2 it may seem rather difficult on my part. still have to pray abt it. but if julie is really going for it, i will support her all the way! so cool right.

really would like to do more to help others even when sch term starts and when academic things start to kick in. but at least now i know my focus and I am really looking forward to a great sem ahead.. :) and not forgetting pulling up my cap score to near 4.0 in order to get my 2nd upper honours. and hall life is gonna be a brand new experience for me. so for now, jia you for rag! And i cant wait to go home to see taotao. He's ok alrdy.. and also to go for NDP with Anna! :) woosh! Jia youu :)

rained @ 2:38 AM

Pls help me pray for little ye tao.. he's hospitalized again coz of jaundice.. pray that he will recover quickly.. and for my whole family, esp my sis and my bro in law. this period is very tiring & not easy for them at all.. it's time like that that we realize that we are in no control of our own health and that God holds everything in His hands. And pray for me too coz I'm so physically tired. I really need God's strength to sustain me through all the late nights, cheer and dance practices... And Lord your strength is all that I need..

rained @ 1:59 AM