Stayover with carmen is forever so awesome. Coming late, calling me and shouting over the phone that she's being raped in the bush. haha. i was seriously worried ok! So familiar abt my hall that she seems to be at her own house. bathing and eating. Demanding tt I tickle her each time before she speaks. Sharing and bearing our most honest feelings with each other. Giving me advices which I needed to hear so badly. Making me laugh so much and feel so blessed. squeezing on the bed with me even though I was down with such a bad flu. And for your msg which I only saw in the evening. Thanks carmen for being there and for being carmen.. This kind fellowship is sth which I will always thank God for. Our friendship is sth I will always thank God for. "Tickle each other till we grow old in the church congregation". I'll keep to our promise, which means I will never leave God and I will never leave you. I love you very much tickle.

And yes I need to brace myself up and move forward already. I hate to feel so vulnerable and I hate to be sick. Only in front of God do I dare to be really vulnerable. When I am stress at least I don't think so much. But when I am less stress, all thoughts come into my mind. So hopefully things will be better in the weeks to come as I enter the exam mode. I need to be less of a worrier. And Gor said sth to me on msn which made me so touched and made me tear. That he hopes I will share and open up to him more. And he asked me to guess what he's thinking, and it was that he loves me very much. I will try, I will try gor... and Lord knows how much I really always wanted to do this. To be able to share with him and with my family. But I guess that it's coz of the whole objection I received from my family after being a christian, I am used to handling all problems wout really accounting to them. I find it easier to turn to my friends instead. I guess I am somewhat afraid to appear vulnerable in front of my family, in front of gor, and as a matter of fact, in front of most guys. All my tears get held back or at least I hold them back. Like how chuan entered my room that day when I was crying so badly and how I reacted after tt.

I dunno whether is it good or bad. I guess it's good so that I do not become too dependent on ppl and also do not pass on all my emotional burden to them.. I guess all of us have to learn to handle most things by ourselves. And I really don't like to burden ppl with my emotions. Chuan says it's repression. I guess I do let it all out. Just not in front of people. And haven really met someone who I am comfortable running to everytime I feel like crying. So if I do cry or tear in front of you, you probably are someone I feel close to, that's why I dare to let you know that I am sad. But still I do try not to cry so much even in front of people I am close to. I guess that's just the way I protect them coz I want to be strong for them so that they can turn to me if they ever need help. A good fren of mine said to me that the last thing he hopes for is for me to cry with him when he shares his problem with me. And I know how bad that is. Coz u wont want to go to someone who will just make u feel even sadder or vulnerable. That's why I need to be stronger emotionally, so that I may be there for the people who are precious to me, when they need me. So that they will not be afraid to come to me when they need someone. And that matters more to me than my own emotions. That I am able to be there for my friends and family. I'll be so sad if ppl stop coming to me just coz I am an emotional wreck. Ya, and hopefully next time I may also be able to find the guy which has all the characteristics in my list. And who will be strong for me and me for him. But even if I don't ever find him, I guess it's ok. coz I am happy having only God in my life. And I know I'll still have my frens and my family. Jesus was so courageous even though he was so vulnerable when faced with cruxification. And I know it's because He found His comfort & strength in God. And I really hope I may be like Him someday.

But I still thank God that I have people to turn to whenever I have problems. That in front of these close frens of mine, I am not afraid to share what I am going through or how I feel. So in that sense I guess it's not really that bad. I know Gor is one such person I can turn to coz in every sense he is so much stronger than me emotionally and spiritually. But like I told him. I hope he will open up more to me too. I never believe in one-way communication. After a while, even the person who always shares will get tired of sharing with the person who refuses to share. Relationship is always a two-way street. And the more we share our most honest thoughts, the stronger the relationship. That's what I believe.. And I hope my relationship with Gor will grow stronger from today on. Bless us Lord. May we display the kind of love which You want us to display. Amen (:

rained @ 12:25 AM

Good things happen to people who wait.
Summarizes all that I feel. Sometimes when God is all we've got, we'll realize that actually He is all that we need.
Dun want to feel sadness and disappointment anymore. In fact, tired of feeling these ways alrdy.
Like Dom said, the words 'Sorry' and 'Appreciate'. Without any actions, these two words carry no meaning at all. We can tell someone how apologetic we are, or how appreciative we are. But at the end of the day, without actions, words are just words. Words are not enough to make anyone feel we are really sorry for our actions or we really treasure and appreciate their presence. Actions do the saying. No wonder people say Action speaks louder than words. Now I think I am really more of an action rather than a word person. Words cant sustain me for long but actions can. Just like faith that are not put into action is just dead faith, desire to change that are not put into actions is dead too. This is what I have learnt.

But I also realize, at the end of the day, we must be convinced of the things that are impt to us. if we are not convinced of sth, we will not risk all we've got to pursue it. And this realization can only come from ourselves. And sadly many times people take things for granted. And they only realize what are impt to them when they have lost it, and by then it might be too late.. And I guess it's a sad thing in life, to have to live life with such regrets.

This is the quote that saw me through my down period this year and caused me to brace myself, it's on my desktop wallpaper too:
You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.. The danger lies in refusing to face the fear, in not daring to come to grips with it... You must make yourself succeed every time. You must do the thing you think you cannot do. -Eleanor Roosevelt

I guess what's most impt is knowing I've really faced my fears and done my best in all that I can.. So I really have no regrets. Some things are just beyond my control and it's situations like these, I know that God is in control and He's in the centre of it all. And I will continue trusting Him like how I have always do. And I guess that's when Nich's nick apply, that Good things happen to people who wait. For me, it's waiting on the Lord. I want to be like Job, to endure longsuffering and remain faithful..

Chuan always tell me, if you want to love someone, you have to risk getting hurt. Love, not just BGR love, it's the whole concept of love-- friendship, family, people. sth stephanie always grapple with, and sth I am learning too.. How to love unconditionally? It always point me to Jesus and it reminded of what fay told me, that "It's a moulding process.."

rained @ 1:46 AM

Just yest, I did what a good samaritan did. But instead of blessing her, I think I receive 10 times the blessing from her sharing.. I really feel so blessed. Thank you God for bringing me to her and allowing us a chance to know each other better.. Indeed nothing in life happens by chance. And to get on with my assignments, enough with the struggling! I can do this!! To hansel and ping, my best fren and favourite best fren boyfren, HAPPY 1 YEAR!!! And to Carmen Tong, tickle tickle, godmother of my child, rmb that I love you very much and will always be here for you.. (:

rained @ 1:42 AM

Haven wrote here in a while... Gonna shift to livejournal soon. Miss carmen tong helping me to set up :)

Sent off all the UK council people. I miss them. Claire, rebecca and steph.. Whenever they come back, they bring the 30th tgt again. And I love the 30th from the bottom of my heart. For teaching me so much about servant leadership. This time round, can really feel that all of us have grown up.. We're all growing separately in different countries, in different uni, in army.. So many things happened in our lives but I am glad we are able to share with each other. I am glad that we're all still the same whenever we come back tgt. These memories we share it'll stay with me for life.. Ab intra: Aspire to Inspire :)

Got back in contact with many old frens. We always tend to forget things/ppl in our lives that make us who we are today. Reading thru my sec sch diary, I rmb-ed them. A huge bulk of my secondary memories which slipped out of my mind, which reminded me of the people who were there with me, which reminded me of the great change God has done to my life. These are things we should not forget..

Met up with evadne.. And after so long, I'm glad we're still both the same.. That we are still able to share freely like we used to. Emo talk at starbucks. I love you. And really hope to meet up with janice soon too. Met up with ruiyang yest. Sorry Ry that after sec sch, I forgot abt you. And now coming back, it brings a smile to my face knowing that you've always been there, that I've always been on your mind.. That you've always still care. And the happiest of all is Carmen Tong. 2 nights never is enough for us to catch up on how much we've missed out in each other's lives. But I am glad we are still able to share like we used to. The times we go church tgt, and talk abt how good God is in our lives. Now seeing you like that, you know how happy I am for you and you know how much I love you. This sisterhood we share, I don't want to let it go ever again.. I know that God will bless this friendship and make us grow from glory to glory! And we will share common memories tgt from now on. Not just updates about each other lives.

Overcame my fears, met up with jx, met up with don.. Things are far from perfect but really trusting in God that things will get better.. I think the saddest thing in life is not anything else but people being passive, people not caring. I don't want to go back to times where I hide from my own fears. I don't want to stand at the sidelines watching things happen and feeling sad about my circumstances. I want to be in active pursuit of dreams, I want to be actively changing things and overcoming obstacles. And things which I can't change, I pray for wisdom to be able to accept..

And thank you God for reassurance of current friendships. Supper with dom and karann was love, even though there was that freak accident by karann. It's really been so long since we've done that tgt. So many things happened in hall.. People come people go. Many superficial friendships in hall. But I always thank God that the 1st batch of frens I made in hall are them. And I really hope after all that had happened, this friendship of ours, will continue stronger from here on.. And to the constants in my hall life. Qi, Ping and Chuan.. Thank you! I love you all and never will I grow complacent. We will all work hard to keep this friendship of ours going ya? :) Not forgetting my new found friends.. Fel & mich pillow who were there with me throughout my OC period, which hadnt exactly been an easy one for me.. Esp being stuck in hall 24/7 with so much burdens upon my shoulders. Julie for the COSI experience tt made us both closer to God. Yvette, for being my new neighbour. We seldom talk since pri sch. But I really thank God for that talk in ur room that started the ball rolling. Now that u're going NTU for exchange next yr, hope that we will continue to keep in touch ya?

And for my family. Lord, thank you. Too many times I took things for granted. Too many times I hide from my fears by hiding in the comfort of my hall, away from things, away from facing reality and rejection. But now, thank you for the change. Thank you for courage. Thank you for confidence. Thank you for the addition of ye tao that brings so much joy to everyone in the family. Thank you for Da jie for being the sister that is always an example for me. Thank you for Gor Gor for never being afraid to point out to me my weaknesses. That I must be more demure, that I must learn to be less emotional, that I must learn to be a woman who is happy having God alone in my life, that I must not be afraid to face up my fears.. I enjoy holding hands with Gor and walking down streets together, talking about the most cock things tgt like coming up with random raps together and how he surprises me by knowing abt happenings in my hall through his friends.. This morning, announcement of er jie's engagement. I feel happy for er jie. Yet, it strike me that things are changing. We're all growing up. My sisters are going to have their own family. That soon she's going to move out just like Da jie. That I am no longer the xiao mei in the family, that now I have to learn to take on more responsibility in this family, to be there for my parents coz I know they'll feel the loss more than any of us. That even as I go out to pursue my dreams, for SEP, for overseas mission trips, I must not forget my family and friends.

And even when I try to find my footing in this world, I realize even with all the change around me. God is the only constant in my life. That He has always loved me the same. That when I was lost in life, He saw who I could be. And never gave up on me so that I may know Him today. That He has always been faithful and His love for the world is still the same. I want to do more for His kingdom. Shopping with Sarah for the things for the Philippines victims.. Thank you dear for coming with me, if not I really don't know how I am able to bring all the blankets, food, towels and clothings back to hall alone. I realized that there's so much to be done and what I do is so little compared to what can be done. I really want to do more and I pray Lord that you'll present me with more of such opportunities..

Life is good. Many deadlines coming up. Being in JCRC challenges me to serve in a way I never serve before. To not just do things that were required, but to challenge ourselves to come up with new initiatives to build the hall spirit. Thank you for this team of like-minded people who step up together with me. I pray for faith that I may continue to trust God to see me through for all my responsibilities. And that I may continue to be there for my friends and family. And I pray that all the people affected by the disasters around the world, that Lord you'll comfort them of their loss through people you send into their lives.. Bless them Lord, bless them!

rained @ 5:11 PM