Dun give up dreaming...
Dun give up on people..
Sometimes love don't have to be verbal..
Sometimes love through silent action speaks right into our heart..
Sometimes love speaking thru the heart speaks louder..
Love is what remains after someone is gone..
Love never fails.

I got my guitar with gor today.
It's a very normal guitar. It may be bulky and sound quality may not be as good but I love it.
Coz it's from gor and it's my first (:
My fingers hurt. Never thought it would be so difficult and painful. But NO i m not going to give up!
Even if my fingers gonna feel rough and be ugly, I want to be able to strum music..
My future boyfren just gonna love my rough fingers. too bad. haha. 
Starting from "Come Holy Spirit fall on me now"



 Can I do it? YES I CAN!!! (:

PS: thank you carmen for the lj msg.. i realized 28th passed by wout me noticing. it's the 30th alrdy. Thank God. i think i m ok alrdy (: It's been a struggle to me for almost 3 years. Currently I feel tt I can finally open my heart to a new guy but for now, I have to keep my heart and keep my vow.. Keep me in place accountability partner. Love you.

rained @ 10:21 PM

When I leave here, I think I will miss all these. JCRC indeed is such an enriching experience for me. The passion of seniors, the love for hall, the desire to serve.. But more imptly, it has brought me closer to this place, where some call it a hostel, I call it home.. Much more than last year, I feel the strong love for Temasek Hall and its spirit. The standards and example we set, our actions have greater repetoire on the hall than we think we have. As a cultural director who previously has not much experience with cultural stuff, it indeed has been a great challenge for me. to bring hall tgt using culture, not easy. I thank God for a group of comm head who are so nice to work with, chuan, charlotte, anne, mark and anh. And I thank God for a bunch of passionate and dedicated JCRC.. i really love them for helping me find back the passion I had with my 30th council.. The simple desire to want to serve TJ. now my simple desire to serve TH.. Planning Envirolympics under National Youth Council with the people, i cant even rmb their name coz they have not inspired me in any way, during my 8 months break really sucked away all my love for serving.. so much politics, so dark, people not being good steward of money, using money tt ppl allocate for good cause for our own pleasure--- expensive retreat overseas fully subsidised, said tt it's to reward us for our hard work when we in fact dint do anything much.. so wad's all the effort for? not really for the good intention of environmental conservation. But for building up their good testimonies to harvard university, to greater work opportunities.. So much resources just for planning the event, wasted, which can be put so much better use. Clearing thrash out of sight just for the sake of people viewing, never with the intention of environmental conservation. And sponsors also, arguing about whose logo was bigger and more significant, all for publicity, never for the good cause, yet all still able to smile in front of the camera, which would go 'live' on TV.. Printing certificates for us, for the sake of recognition. excellence award? Everything to me was fake, for show. I really dint do much.. But coz it is a national event, it is elevated high.. but not even 1/100 the effort i put in for council.. maybe coz i really dint have the heart to do it coz i was so disgusted by everything. made me doubt if church is like tt too..

i think at tt time, God was opening up my eyes to things.. i came hall, for 1 year, i dreaded hall activities. i phantom at A2 corner with my buddies, ping and qi. i dun like serving in hall. I feel I am working for the points to stay on next yr. And I guess I was skeptical, I don't see why ppl would give so much to hall, coz I dun trust the intention. And somehow i joined OC, which was a step of faith for me to find back all the things I have lost when I step into uni.. And I am glad I found it. In OC, I finally believe tt the passion and love for hall from seniors really come from the heart.. All the passion to do a great orientation so tt freshies can feel belonged to hall and to build up hall spirit.. I began to love hall more and want to do more. And then rag, seniors crying over our floats, seniors telling us stories of our glorious past... I saw for myself, what love can drive people to do.. And instead of the old mindset of what hall can offer, I start to see things in the light of what I can give to hall.. Then being approached to step up as JCRC.. truly not an easy decision for me, but I am glad I took up the role in the end. Thank God for seeing me through.. I learn so much, found back so much things..

It's true tt the world is ugly. It's true tt there are corruptions, there are people who are selfish and only fighting for their own benefits and fame, that they miss the impt things in life. But it is also true tt there are people who cares alot and willing to lay down alot to fight for their love and conviction.. And I should not only stay in my comfort zone.. I like to stay in my own zone, but I am called to make the change, and make the world a better place.. May I rmb all these I have learnt, and take them with me even as I step out to work into the real world. It will be ugly, but I will always be able to find likeminded people who care and who are sincere too.. And now, it starts from hall.. I wonder why God places me here. There must be things he wants me to learn.. I am slowly seeing it now.. so little time till I step down yet so much to do. I want to end my term well.. and I also want to excel in my studies. People may say I am not prioritizing tt it's not worth doing so much for hall, but they don't understand.. it's not just hall. It's has all tt I believe in.. dreams, love and passion for things.. I often wonder if it's selfish of me to stay in hall and whether I should really try to spend more time at home with my family.. I dunno. I know gor would have things to say.. But now I know I am really happy.. And I can only pray tt I will continue to have the support of my family coz it means alot to me. I am pushing myself, but I definitely need to be more disciplined and effective in my studies too.. God, multiply my time and provide me wisdom...

Guitar shopping with gor in less than 8 hours! my own guitar. one of my new year resolution to learn how to play (: I cant wait to do quiet time praise and worship with an instrument! It's not true to think tt I am deprived a chance to learn piano coz of gor.. I always regret not being able play a song, being a total idiot when it comes to musical note and I really hope to learn piano, but it's such an expensive skill, I guess mum and dad could only afford to send one in our family during tt time and tt was gor.. and i never have the time to learn from gor too and he cant commit to provide me proper guidance too.. and coz I was already in swimming tt time and tt took quite alot of my time and alot of my parents' money too.. I thank mummy and daddy for sending us to all these lessons even though it was hard for them to support. I guess they were placing their dreams in us, hoping we would fulfil all the things tt they were unable to in their life.. coz during their times they simply werent wealthy enough to do so.. I guess next time in one way or another, I would unknowingly place hope in my children too, of things unfulfiled.. but definitely want my children to discover their passion and I would support them as best as I can as a mummy.. But God is so good. He doesnt shortchange me (: Guitar! still get to play musical instrument and I dont think it's very difficult. I hope so. Anne can prick a nice song with just 2 days. I can too! slowly slowly bit by bit... I never have the confidence to play. But seeing so many ppl pick up and so convenient, I am tempted! I hope I pull through! I am excited! (:


Alright, I should sleep, good night! reunion dinner and da jie's bday at xiyan! how exciting! (: looking forward! 1st time in 20 yrs, eating outside without mummy preparing steamboat. still with my family, and tt's most impt and i guess tt's sufficient (:

rained @ 5:17 AM

TAN YING XIU BE DISCIPLINED!!!!!!!

rained @ 11:11 PM

i am so glad to be home yest, though no one was around.. i kindda dreaded coming home a lil coz i wanted to avoid things.. but now i m so glad i m home.. family will always be family. u cant hide too far away from them.. i talked and interacted with gor like normal, and we never mentioned anything at all. avoiding? maybe, but seems ok avoiding.. but i can see he's taking so much more initiative helping out mummy and daddy at home. coz there's this pipe repair man today. Gor's toilet leak and so much pressure on the ceiling tt the light suddenly shattered.. quite scary.. thank God he wasnt inside the toilet.. and i was busy helping mummy aft tt with cleaning up and preparation for chinese new year.. yes i dunno if anyone around still bother to spring clean, but i know my mum is someone who does it wout fail every year! and somehow whole family will be affected though none of us is actually as particular as her.. but she'll be the crankiest and the biggest during this period and so everyone will just take command from her.. or our maid will kena all her crankiness.. and my dad will say my mum's english is the best when she scolds our maid.. haha! tt's just how things have been in my house since young.. cant believe as we grow older tt we sometimes acty quarrel with our mum over how she treats our maid right? and we will always kena scolded for siding our maid instead of understanding my mum more. quite tension sometimes one but i guess growing up like tt we all got used to it somehow or rather.. but really pity my maids and i will try to talk to them after tt, make them feel a lil better?  generation gap thing i think.. so as i was busy helping mummy clean up, gor came to help too and offered to make me lunch though it was simple magi noodle, i really appreciate it.. (: and this time, i cleaned up the table after him, to avoid same thing from happening. ya, so i spent my whole day nuaing at home, totally love it, time alone in my own room, and sms-ing frens here and there.. i can do tt for days.. haha, yes i m a closet introvert!

then went to deliver dinner to da jie and tao tao! tao tao was crawling on the floor when we entered the house.. my heart melt.. my nephew is so super adorable :D and da jie was telling me how tao tao cried so loudly when my er jie was playing with him and throwing him into the air. tao tao seriously dislikes my er jie la.. haha! funny expression everytime she carries him and crying?!?! haha! tao tao has high tolerance for strangers. he dun even cry when he's being passed from one stranger to another during relative gathering. to know tt he acty cry when er jie carried him, it's really quite funny. i can imagine er jie being super unhappy abt it, since she's the one who loves to play with him the most.. and she said it must be coz of the razor sound outside, not coz of her, hahaha! and then mum and dad's confirmatory bias by saying tt tao tao dun like me too coz i look like er jie. what rubbish loh! tao tao loves her xiao yi zi can!! HAHA! and i m glad he's able to differentiate me and er jie somehow. haha! thankfully! and tao took 1st picture with gor too, coz there wasnt any pic of tao tao and gor in the photo album. 1st time seeing him hug tao tao, i think (: quite nice..

then we went to buy a new light at geylang for gor's toilet. daddy being stubborn and refuse to drop us at the rocher place to let us buy bean curd, before the lighting shop.. then i have to walk from the lighting shop to buy and when we entered the car, he acty went to make a u turn to buy too.. so stubborn daddy has a soft side too.. which was acty quite a sweet thing for daddy to do, though we ended up with many plastic bags of bean curds and egg tarts after tt.. (:

and then all the way to yishun for dinner.. same kind of big dinner with loud getai, organized by jiu jiu and frens.. more of a social event for them.. and relatives turning up to show face. but i still treasure occasions like tt where i can see my ah ma, my relatives, my cousins, and now more nephews and nieces (: i wonder how many of my frens acty have family like mine, in many ways still very traditional.. daddy making me so embarrassed by his loud YUM SENG and singing aloud! my dad is the most thick skinned person around i ever knew, good and bad i guess.. good coz he really dun care abt ppl ard him one, but tt makes him very confident and unafraid to take initiaive to do things he want to do, which i think i take after him in this aspect.. bad coz he dun acty listen to ppl and always digress, and just do things his way sometimes wout considering ppl, making him an authoritative dad and husband, but a reasonable one nonetheless.. talked to sophie.. my cousin of same age and i m glad we have more topics to talk abt now tt both of us are in uni and in hall.. and halfway thru the dinner, she received a phonecall from a fren tt one of her fren from NTU committed suicide. it's the 2nd one in one month.. and she was very affected and crying and so her dad sent her home.. it's so sad to hear news like tt and it affects me though i may not know the person personally. People in Haiti are struggling to keep alive, and here in Singapore people are commiting suicide.. i think it's selfish to die like tt, not considering the hearts u break of the people who loves you.. indeed, we cant say who is poorer.. for people in developing countries may be poor in material needs but they are contented and happy with simple things in life. Here in developed countries, people are poor on the inside, unhappy and unsatisfied though we may have everything that we need on the outside.. Ultimately, everyone, rich and poor, needs the Lord..

and gor asked me out next sat, without me asking him.. and he asked me to guess the reason.. and i said guitar? and he said yes, and asked me how i knew.. so cool, coz it's been sth on my mind.. to ask him out to buy guitar tgt with me.. and i suggested city hall, some guitar shop and he said yes, it's peninsula we are going to go to, as if reading everything on my mind.. quite cool.. hopefully we can go for some shopping for new year clothes too.. and talk to him too, abt the issues we had.. but at least i know i talk to him now i wont feel so stress anymore..

i realize, when i m uncomfortable and not myself, i really just cant do things properly.. and tt's quite bad i think. i hope i m really able to face everyone with my true self and be able to be myself in all circumstances.. tml qi's soccer match! jia you dear.. after tt prawning and dinner with hall frens (: seems like we haven spent time out like tt tgt for a very long time alrdy, though i practically see them everyday.. seems like i cant grow sick of seeing them.. and ping coming over to stayover at night.. (: and thank you nich for words of advice i needed to stay firm in my stand.. tt love is patient and showing me what it all means.. and a stayover soon with michelle pillow, who is so busy now.. alternate wed study session with huixian, regular swimming with fel who is determined to swim faster, PAB, dance practices which I enjoy, tutorials, and many performances coming up.. life is good.

and i pray tt all effort to help the Haiti refugees will reach them.. pray tt God's work will work amongst them all.. and reading this book "Why is God silent when we need Him the most?" really really good.. answering me many questions which have been occupying my mind recently, abt God's silence in my life, which makes me feel like He's absent.. though i know He's always there, speaking.. realizing i m the one not listening.. i need to listen.. Be still and know that He is God.

rained @ 3:09 AM

i guess to some extent i m afraid tt ppl will leave and not care... i m afraid of ppl being unhappy with me... i m afraid when i cant meet ppl's need... i m afraid of ppl judging me for someone i m not.. i m afraid tt when i need ppl, they will not be there for me... i m afraid tt even if i do leave one day ppl will not rmb me... i know my family will be there yet i m afraid to face them with my true self, with all my weaknesses and inadequacies, coz i dun want them to worry, coz i m afraid of their judgement too and am afraid tt who i m is not someone they like afterall... tt's why when i dunnno wad to feel, i prefer to isolate myself.. it's better to sort out my own thoughts and feelings alone... to know what is the right thing to do, even though heart may say otherwise... heart vs mind... my greatest struggle i guess, it's always like tt... and sometimes thought get stuck i cant find ppl to share with... i need to become a woman who is more understanding, more forgiving, more courageous, more loving, more giving, more emotionally secure, more faithful, more prayerful, more confident, more disciplined and focus, more sensitive, less dependent and less needy, more independent...everything tt i m not, i must become.. coz i realize no one can give me all the comfort and reassurance tt i need except for God. and all the qualities are found within me, planted by God.. I must find them... I must...

rained @ 1:44 AM

Thank God for a great great service yest. when i went there, wayne told me of all services, I've came at the most right one.. and i kept wondering why.. and then i knew. indeed it was amazing. the news about securing our land. I was there when pastor said it's not possible to get a 10000 seater auditorium we are going to look at 7000 instead. we prayed a service of finding a place of 7000 seaters, i was there.. and how pastor visited yoido full gospel church and came back confessing to us abt his lil faith and how we are going to trust God for our 10000 seaters land once again.. it's been 4 arise and build. it's been so long. and just when i have been feeling so of little faith, God showed me His faithfulness and goodness once again. I cried.. And the msg was so good. pastor preached abt it before, 4 level dimension living.. but yest, it gave me new meaning. a great reminder. Do i have the faith to receive? i guess i m afraid and disappointed so much it makes me feel even more afraid tt what i pray for may acty be a reality.. I am like Zachiarias.. But yest service reassured me of God's goodness. He really honours His children. Be faithful and wait for his promises.. His promises WILL come to pass.. (: so so awesome!

then went to chalet with kit to meet council and we celebrated beng's 21st bday.. afternoon, met nicholas before church.. and he made me meet so late and in the end scold me tt we are going to be late for church. haha! saw yulin who waited for me when she heard i was going. met zicheng. and met rest of cell, i m very happy (: and after i got home from chalet, nich wanted to talk to me on the phone and so we talked.. it was so good. 1st time he FINALLY talk properly with me and not say sth funny, cut me, suan me, bluff me 90% of the conversation or change topic when i want to talk to him properly.. and we caught up alot. knew alot more abt this brother of mine. indeed mature alot.. and prayed tgt after tt, i really love it (: i m glad he treasures me and comes to me with his problems. i really treasure him too..

and today IHG swimming.. Boy, I am so glad it's finally over. so much months of hardwork and stress.. nope we did not get our straight gold medals for all 10 events like the past 5 years.. we lost guys free and girls breast.. both got 2nd place. we could still win gold with a 1st in medley which counts towards boys and girls score. and we won indeed, was leading by so much. but we got DQ-ed coz of improper changeover btw the 3rd and 4th swimmer.. happens in swimming competition and it's really unfortunate la.. and it's a lie to say i dun feel a lil sad or disappointed, esp since i m the captain.. but i m okay. i know it's just a competition.. but i was not ok seeing my members being guilty and upset.. sandra and xumei.. and i only can just keep reassuring them it's okay, tt i know they did their best and things like tt happen and it's not their fault.. and how jiajie was angry. i know how much heart they put into this race.. Eusoff got DQ-ed for 2 events too and was upset.. seeing the whole atmosphere of the competition so tense and upsetting, not only for us, but for other halls too, very tempted to call for all captains to discuss if they want to do away with the DQ for all the race since it's suppose to be friendly match between all 6 halls..  maybe if my hall is not involved, i would have done tt as a convening captain.. better for everything to end on a good note rather than such a solemn one for everyone. but coz my hall was involved i dun want to be seen as impartial. and since it was stated in the rules and regulations tt referees have the final say. So ya, i decided it was best to leave the decision to the referees and still it was a DQ.. i thank the referee for helping out.. they volunteered to make the event a smooth running one, they dun have to but they did.. it's lame to not show appreciation to them just coz they were being objective right? who wants to do these kind of saikang job man. and so i really am thankful to them..

it was not bad results. we were still strong despite the DQ and was still 2nd for overall guys and girls. i guess we were all sad coz of the tot of it could been us winning the medal if not for the DQ and how the trend of consecutive winning was broken like tt.. but ya, i always learn alot from swimming competition.. since young.. the adrenalin pump at the pool side, the love for the sports, the glory for your club/country and being answerable to urself for the months of trainings.. competition are never taken lightly. that's the spirit of sportsmanship and i think it's amazing. thru sports i learn tt there are no ultimate winners in life. ppl who are strong may grow weak and people who are weak may grow strong. it's all just parts and parcel in life. hard work do pay off and complacency will also weaken people.

But yes, still had our team dinner after tt and i m glad everyone was feeling much more light hearted after tt and not so heavy hearted anymore.. and we were laughing, talking abt the competition and enjoying each other's company.. we ate at vivo sushi teh. kenneth and i treated them on dai dai sushis.. captains' treat.. really yummy and we had awfully chocolate hei ice cream after tt too.. took many silly and unglam photos. and silly jokes along the way like buying a mahjong table for sandra for her 21st.. so tt karann can keep the table after tt coz she cant bring back to france.. and jon ma saying tt we can play mahjong if he does a handstand.. we were like HUH?? and he said coz mahjong is the inverted of JONG MA... how lame. hahaha! (:

ya, but am glad all is over! still have dance still have pab.. but also it's time to study alrdy! library library here i comeeeeeeeee!!! (:

rained @ 1:18 AM

God is amazing. Ok, i dunno how that tab ended there on my computer screen. i dint add it, maybe from some fren's blog and i pressed accidentally? i dunno. but i clicked on it. and it encouraged me..

http://www.thebiblepost.com/why-does-god-allow-suffering
http://www.thebiblepost.com/why-does-god-allow-suffering2

it's 2 page long..

"Now here’s something to consider: sometimes God may allow someone to suffer not because they have poor faith, but because we lack a degree of faith for which we are in need. For, even though we may have the truth, we might not be practicing it. Hence, God has lessons to teach us through suffering; and sometimes the greater part of the lesson is meant to be learned by those who encounter people who suffer rather than by those who are actually suffering."


"So where do we go from here? Well, at this point we have to make a choice. We will either learn what God desires to teach us through suffering or we will ignore His lessons for us by doing nothing but complain about our situation and blame Him for what has happened to us. In other words, we will either accomplish little for lack of trust in God or we will accept our circumstances and allow patience to do its good work in and through us to the glory and honor of Jesus Christ.

My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. (James 1:2-4 NKJV)

Don’t ignore God’s lessons for you. For, if you do you will only walk in darkness and live in torment; instead, allow God to teach you what you need to know about your life, so that you may set an example of what it truly means to live by and uphold the faith of Jesus Christ. So instead of complaining about your problems, eagerly look for opportunities to comfort and encourage others who are suffering with you, showing them what it means to love and be loved. In this way your life will not only be a testimony of the power of God, it will also be a blessing to others."


I still do not have clarity to why i m feeling like tt.. but at least i know, it's from God. I still lack a degree of faith which I need. But I need to have tt clarity myself first before I know better why I want & like to help people.. It's really more than just making myself feel good and be happy to see I make other's lives a lil better, but there's a purpose tt derives from God. And only God has answers to what I should do..

Nicholas suddenly sending me a sms: " You are a master over your fate, you are the captain of your soul" I do not undstd why he thought of me. I do not undstd why he would feel like i am a machine and not having a rs with God. A rs with God has gotta be deeper than just trusting Him and clinging on to Him right? But I do not undstd, I hear from Him but there's no clairty.. It may all be just my own emotions as my brother says? i really doubt. i questioned nich I said it's not true, tt I am not a master of my own fate, neither a captain of my own soul. I feel helpless many times over many things. At my family salvation, at rs, at studies, at my ministry.. There are of course things I can do but I am in no control. Ultimately whether things turn out good or bad, it's still up to God. He's omnipotent, He's almighty. I have no control over things, do I? Everything will just occur the way He wants it to, He's GOD!..
"haha everything is in your hands =) Just remember that," nich says.
But what things are in my hands? I have no control.. I say all my frustration to nich..
"If you were to walk away from God, what can He do? even when you sin, can God control... No He cant because you are the master of your fate and the captain of you soul...When God says we've done well, what does it mean? I received my results it was disappointment I have done well in what ways. I just want to tell you the other meaning of doing well. It's not just getting all As or being top in school, but whatever things you have done is in line with God's purpose for you to fulfil that great destiny that He has for you, then He will assure you that you will be the head and not the tail, above and not beneath.. You have done well coz you have done my best... Your parents rejected God but they didnt reject you. Now is not the time to drown yourself in your failures but to look back and improve on areas you have not done well and keep on working and believing and God will make a way for you.. Everytime I send sms, you don't understand. Maybe we should meet up one day to talk k"

Nich is so cute.. I dunno how he can tahan me ignoring him so often, from being the most difficult sister and yet persisting and not giving up on smsing and msning me so often.. he's the ultimate clinger.. from comforting him, encouraging him and giving him extra tuition from his first time of having to retake N levels.. to now, him comforting me and telling me he is doing great even though his O results is very bad.. it's funny how God changes things around. like a prank. 2 yrs younger and i have always seen him as a little boy. yet he's no longer the little boy i see him, he has grown up and matured in many ways alrdy.. and the excitement when i say i can meet him earlier. and yet keep saying it's too early and pushing the timing back, like want to meet me yet dun want to meet me. he's so funny.. haha. he's really the classic. how he can come all the way to NUS, haven even met me and go home just coz he's caught in the rain.. But I appreciate him and thank God for him. If not, I could have been further away, from church from cell.

Maybe I am angry with God. I think it's the 1st time, I never was.. Coz I fear at being angry with Him, and there was really nothing much to be angry with Him about, He's always there and He often comforts me.. but I realize it's ok. It's ok to not understand, to be angry, to tell God all my emotions. Just like how it's better for a child to tell his father he is angry with him, rather than not tell the father his emotions. coz a father desires to know a child's heart. And He's not a father who will punish you just coz u r angry with Him.. He's a loving father, who listens, understands and comforts.. Just as heavens are higher than earth so are His ways higher than my ways, and His thoughts than my thoughts. And yest night, i tot about friends and i feel empty. surely no one cares, how much would it even matter to them even if i m gone. People only want me when they need me, there are only few that truly cares.. But I thought about my family, i looked at the family photo on my board, I looked at my mother, i tot about my sister and how much she loves tao tao, and i cried.. How my mum's whole life revolves around me when I was born and how I weigh her thoughts and heart every moment, worrying abt me, and probably crying alot, yet painstakingly bringing me up.. Never good with words, she never says how much she loves, but her actions say it all yet i was too ignorant, too engulfed by myself to see.. I dunno how to convey my thoughts to gor gor, I think i know what I need to say to him alrdy.. He needs to love more, care more and understand more abt mum and dad.. mum and dad called me on my hp from jakarta and i feel so happy.. i miss them suddenly. I want to spend more time at home..

chuan is considering his decision of staying in hall.. just when i was considering mine. and he talks to his mum abt it, till 4am, he still wasnt asleep when i sms him.. at least i know yr 3 i definitely get to stay, i will see how again in yr 4.. even if i stay, it will be for the convenience.. i still love hall, i dun dread staying in hall like some ppl do. but i guess it's time to step down to let new ppl take over after my office. i have other priorities on hand, i need to realign my life, it's true, i have to start focusing on my ministry.. but i thank God for an opportunity to stay in hall.. and carmen, it's amazing how God sent me a sister who experiences many similar things as me.. and hearing from her never fails to encourage me and make me see things and know things a little clearer. I love how you just make urself at home in my room, going around with the gadgets and messing it up a lil. Best frens are able to do tt comfortably. I really love you tickle. and claire, far in UK, but pls dun feel discouraged, everyone here in SG misses you and is rooting for you. love overcomes boundaries and time differences.. We will support you, we love you. KYA i cant commit now, i know it wont be beneficial to me nor to them.. told Aloy.. but i will next time. and kit, thank you for not giving up and still inviting me at the right time.. and i appreciate sudden offline msn msges from ppl.. coz it's a pleasant surprise to receive them when i sign online. love u noob fren.

Do i say alot of thank yous? maybe tt's just my life, a life of thanksgiving. alone, i would fail terribly. but with angels and help sent by God, i give thanks. Earthquake Haiti, we really are blessed here in SG.. We're not kids in Cambodia who have to worry abt livelihood. We are not ppl in China who faces persecution for our faith. we live in Singapore, a place of technology and bibles are everywhere, google and bible verses pop out. what excuses do we have not to study or read the bible.. to not is just to take things lightly, to take things for granted. Must we experience a loss before we will treasure all tt we have, for things and for ppl? Please dun wait for we wont know which day would be our last..


huayun yest was amazing. wo bu shi li bai. i really love the story. even the closest ppl, they make mistakes and they may hurt us. but we must forgive, whoever has hurt us, and forgive ourselves, if not the earth will be a terrible place to live in. thank you dom, fel, daichao and jcrc for coming down (: i only acted 1 scene but I love the people i worked with.. china ppl and malaysians they are really nice ppl if u take the effort to talk to them, make frens with them and be open to them.. they made me laughed alot and we're all really the same.. just bought up in diff culture and environment. take time to learn abt their culture and habits, dun discriminate them. there's a reason for everything. like how i rmb auntie lidiang told us when she 1st went to cambodia, she was waiting roadside and everybody was squatting, and it felt weird for her to stand up, and so she squat with them. it's funny for her to do tt but for ppl there it's really normal. and the reason is really simple too.. They have no luxury of chairs and so they squat. and they grow up in such environment of course it's a habit to them. so next time u pass by a grp of foreign workers, sitting or squatting at the roadside, dun look at them differently, try to undstd them, ask and u may undstd, dun pass judgement.. it's really all quite interesting.. just like how Shai always say, dun pass judgement on youths with tatoos, smoke are pregnant. they also don't want to go down tt path, there are simply nobody teaching them in the right ways and with a whole load of burden of things in their life which they need to settle, which of these kids really care abt consequences of things, they just want to settle problems tt are right in their face and try to be happy...

er jie's wedding in another 364 days! (: she smsed us all yest.. i can feel her excitement. it's almost 9 yrs with gundy alrdy, their wedding at 2011 would be their 10th. i really wish them happiness.. and more responsibility at home for the xiao mei who really should be the da mei now. imagine tons of nephews and nieces running ard.. (: nice. haha. ok off, may i have my clarity from God soon, pray for me..

rained @ 1:18 PM

If only things can remain forever simple as hope, faith, love, grace.. am i suppose to grow up? growing up is so difficult.. i don't want to grow up. so much more commitment, discipline and i have yet to find happiness in doing all those. so much so tt i want to avoid. it's the 1st time i m experiencing all these isnt it? can i get pass this phase or will i end up far away.. for once, i wish i don't have to listen to anybody or care about anything, and just do the things i want with my heart and be irrational and rebellious for a period of time.. why must we live a life of obedience? why must we trust and wait? why cant we just do whatever we want and why cant things we want be good. i know all the answers so dun say them to me.. i m just confused abt my own beliefs now. but knowing actions have consequences, i know i m not brave enough to do tt. i dun want stories of people in the bible who disobey God to happen in my life. i m afraid of ppl's expectations of me, or ppl thinking good abt me, coz it's only consistent of me, and i have to live up to it. but i m not perfect, and when i fail, i am disappointted in myself in not being able to give. so pls dun think too good of me or expect so much from me. coz i m far from perfect. far from it.. and i m tired of giving, of being nice, of getting myself hurt. i want to be selfish, i don't like the feeling of confusion, of being hurt or unhappy. i dont undstd why i must go thru them. i just want a break for myself. hide for a little while...

rained @ 2:57 AM

Takraw boys won champions! (: beat Sheares hall in semis and Eusoff in Finals. The whole match was adrenalin pumping and I could feel the TH pride. Really am glad I am in TH and not in any other hall. For a SCRC who cares and inculcate us with important values. Spirit of a champion. Seniors who graduated who would still come down just to support us. How eusoff tried to taunt us and how Kenneth played along with them and was unaffected. It was really funny. I think Eusoff found him amusing too, so much so that they stopped. haha. Hm, I must say it's all brand new experience for me, considering how I only went for swimming last year, coz i was part of it. And I never supported any other sports. This year, it's all brand new experience. And I am glad I find myself more belonged to hall, more passionate about things and serving more...

School is starting.. Many activities and things to expect. But still, most important of all things is still my time with God and next would be my studies. Carmen is right, maybe Gor is right too. Studies is of utmost priority, I know I have been working hard but I havent been doing my best. If I cut down all facebook timings and don't waste time in between lessons, I probably can study more and get much more things done. And focusing on a few things.. I ask myself if I am taking too much.. I still have no answer.. coz I am still not convinced of tt for now, tt all God wants me to do is just 1 ministry. I know tt all these tt I do, I do it coz I really want to do it, and before I take up each commitment I really take time to pray before making my decision. And when I give my commitment, I want to do the best tt I can, but of course I understand so well, I cannot compromise my studies time. But I cannot imagine myself just studying and doing nothing else. Nothing to serve people, to help people.. Cannot imagine. My life will feel empty, will not be what I want it to be. I believe in loving God wholeheartedly and people frevently. The 2 things that drive my entire life. But now, when I do all that I am doing, I am happy, albeit tired. But I know now, I have to find my balance. I cant devote all my time and energy in all these activities, so much so tt I compromise time alone with God, with family, with friends and studies. I must sleep early. I must devote time to study, which means cutting down on facebook timings and unneccesary activities, so that I will be able to give my time to the activities I committed myself to, without feeling I compromise my studies time. And I must exercise! My body is a temple of God. And quiet time is not just praying for 15 minutes at the beginning and end of day. I need to meditate on God's words more, just like how Fay used to make me memorize verses, I need to do tt. and slping early so tt I can wake up for morning prayer meeting, and not oversleep. And yest, I wrote down all my plans for this year using the list waikit sent me.. All aspects.. And I know what I lack most now in my life. I lack discipline. So this year is a year of DISCIPLINE for me.. A time of training up my physical and spiritual body.. how to manage my time, to make the best out of the little time and talents God has given me.. How to say no when I have to. How to be wise, read up more to know what is going on in the world around me and not live in my little own world, of hostal and home. To listen to people more. It's never too selfish if my problems are mainly the problems of other people..  So please scold me if you find me wasting my time doing things that are non constructive, day dreaming or worrying myself to death like how I always do.. And saving up, splurge less on myself so that I may give more to the poor and needy..  And carry out all the things I have in mind.. To not give up halfway coz things get tough. But continue coz it is God's vision for me.. Dreams are never too big. Kind hearts are never too rude. I really like this verse.. So yes, heavy modules next semester, heavy commitments, but a heart set out to do great things, a trusting heart for my Almighty God that with Him all things are possible, and He can perform miracles above and greater than all the things which I can do or imagine.. (:

To all my family and friends: I know I am not perfect, thank you for enduring me, for loving and supporting me always.. Your encouragement and belief in me keeps me to going.. Thank you (:

rained @ 6:14 PM

omg i sounded so pessimistic. but those are really real thoughts running thru my mind yest after talking to gor. thank you waikit (: for the reassurance.. maybe it's more of God to let me know how to help gor rather than to feel so affected what what he says and doubt all that I am doing. but things i know I need to do now. i need my new year resolution, i need to pray more, i need to seek christian fellowship more, and maybe i need to draw a chart like waikit does... my ministry is to help people. I am like claire.. that makes me smile.. that I am normal, and not weird like gor makes me to be. I shouldnt doubt myself, coz I would be doubting all tt claire is doing and tt would be ridiculous coz i know how wonderful a girl claire is and how huge a blessing she has been to me.. Give up things when I cant handle. Prioritizing, at least tt's sth I know I need to improve on. And for courage to stand up for what is right, another thing. The problem with me sometimes i feel is to try to please everyone, in the end i end up making some upset, and myself upset when I know I hurt ppl coz of a lack of courage. So stand up for what is right when it is needed. And thank you kit, for allowing me to answer to my own question, seriously haven really been thinking abt it. Coz things are just going on quite well. But at least now I know where I stand in the healing process.. that I still need time. Ya and now I need to pray abt how I should approach gor. we're seriously 2 ends of a pole.. totally different personality. yet i cant not care coz he's my brother. if it's stranger probably i will walk away, coz he wrongly accuses me, and just ignore his statements. but coz he's my brother, what he thinks matter and i cannot not care. But I will continue loving him just like what God wants me to do.. and I will think abt what he says, with discretion..

rained @ 12:15 PM

To follow wholly after you...
And I know that's all I need...
And that's all I want...
I really dunno how to feel...
I am not doubtful of my worth, neither am i inconfident, but i am really confused...
How am I suppose to feel?
When I was so convicted tt I have world vision for God, he (my brother) made me feel like I have been all along a frog in the the well, unaware of what's outside, unaware of how ppl view me, thinking tt all I am doing is correct, and confident abt it...
Not sure who my friends are, everyone ard me are all but acquaintance to him... When I feel happy with the people I have in my life tt God has placed. He made me feel like I am just being ignorant and living in my own bubbles. That nothing is concrete..
Yet all that he says, doesnt make me feel like what I am doing is wrong, yet there is sth tugging my heart, sth tt tells me indeed there is sth wrong, but i dunno exactly what it is..
Is it really true tt I am dreaming too big, tt what I am doing are nothing but fluff? that I am not focused, not prioritizing? that I am doing so much more for myself than for God?
I dunno.. God has been shouting at me to pray. and I do, but not enough. Now I have so much questions, so much doubts, only God can answer... And I dunnno how to pray. How? God I trust in You, You say wait and see. but what? I trust You but what am I suppose to do? Sth Concrete.. but am what I doing just trying to fill up the time while waiting for you? or izzit really sth YOU want me to do?
I cant be still. I m dying to do great things for God. Yet God taught me to start by doing small things. then when I do tt, gor tells me I am not focused..
What's my purpose of wanting so many friends. I overuse the word "friend". But tt's just me. When I am crowd, I would approach people to talk, I am confortable sharing. Is that wrong, is that selfish? is that like what he says, a man walking naked around his house, thinking he's right but is acty flashing to his neighbour, and is being selfish... is it wrong to divulge too much of myself to people. but I don't divulge everything. i keep things to myself. but still most things i need to say, i need to account.. is it wrong to want to hear opinions of ppl and to get answers from them? am I doing it all for myself? how am I then to hear from God? maybe it's time i read the bible more.. to get answers from inside. but I really believe God placed people in our lives to guide us... Gor really makes me doubt.
And everything I do to love people. I never want to do it for myself. I do it coz I love God and God loves ppl. but is is really for God? I never wanted to be the popular girl. Never wanted to be centre of limelight. I rather be the one serving in the background. But can I really understand how it feels like to be the background. The loneliness, the sadness. I have never been outcasted before, never been in the outgroup before. I always find comfort when I need it, find love when I need it. I am just blessed. I just enjoy being in my own comfort grp of frens, my own comfort zone. but am i being selfish just by doing tt? Lord, so what am I suppose to do? Am I suppose to purposely seek out places to be alone, to be away from what I am confortable doing just so tt I wont create the impression to people tt I don't wish to create? I seriously don't care what people think of me. Only the people who are close to me, their opinion matters. but for gor to say tt, seriously, is there sth tt i need to change? yet, i don't know what? what am i suppose to do? how am i suppose to approach fren, approach people? same method? but what's wrong?
He says I am like a root stretching out in all directions with no depths. I think I am striving to be a root stretching out in all directions with depth. but is it possible to be achieved? What's my ministry? Hall? Teaching? Missionary? People? He says I am not focused tt i don't have a specific direction. that if it's teaching then i jolly well teach. yet it feels wrong. i dunno. is it true we are only suppose to focus on one ministry? so everything unrelated to teaching, i should just not do? is life really like tt? what's God's definition of life? and how is it diff from the world's std of life? I really dunnno. I say I am willing to give up all things for God but when the day come, will I really be able to do tt.. EVERYTHING?? I really hope I will be able to do tt..
Am I really a person of just fluff and no substance? living in my own world, picture perfect. unaware of what's outside. sometimes i really think i am too ignorant. Lord, how can I grow up? how can I grow to be more mature and more wise? of all the things tt happen in my life, at least i think i handle them maturely. yet he makes me doubt, tt i am just being childish all along, tt he can't trust me coz i m not credible. the things i say. he says i m difficult to understand, i always thought i m quite easy to understand. what u see is what i am. but he says no. Oblivious, tt's the worst, really. At least I know my mistakes, I am someone more than willing to change. But I need people to tell me, I need friends who love me enough to tell me my flaws, to tell me things I do not know and not hide things from me just coz "xiu is too innocent!" i need to grow up one day, i need to know things. and how am i to know if no one tells me abt it? even my breakup, there must be a reason right? more than fade of feeling. sth in my character tt's not perfect. what is it? i m pushy, i m stubborn, i m not understanding, i m selfish. what? I need to know. I just need people to love me enough to tell me, to slap me in my face and let me wake up to the ugly truths in lives. so just be truthful with me abt all things, abt me, abt the world, they mean so much to me. How I wish sometimes people will just stop putting up fronts, break down all walls, and face each other with our true self. yet when i try do tt, gor tells me it's selfish.. tt why is sharing with ppl edifying? so is it? is it more to make myself feel better? i dunnoo..

yet, i m appreciative tt even though gor said so much, said so much things which make me sound so lousy and bad, yet I m glad. He's the 1st one in my life ever so blunt and honest with me abt me. tt's what I love abt him. frens tell me good things abt me, they love me, they comfort me, i feel good. but is it all real? or it contains part of courtesy? sometimes i do tt, don't I? i overlook people's weakness and accept them coz I want to focus on the good of people. but it's selfish to do tt, is it? how are we to improve if no one tells us our flaws. He says he cant undstd how from the same womb can come forth 2 people so different. But I know it's coz of God. He said if all girls are like me, he never want to get married. I dunnno to laugh or cry. He says one day he hopes I will be a sister he can be proud of too.. I should feel sad tt he said tt? yet I don't. I know even wout his acceptance I would still love him as my brother.
So tell me what now, he makes me doubt, are all guys like him, hate girls who talk much, hate girls who digress, hate girls who are like me.. tt all guys are objective and just want answers straight to the point. I cant live with a guy like tt. I need someone who will be there to care and listen to me, who is ok with me sharing, who is ok with me being vulnerable and having the need to cry. If I make him doubt girls, he seriously makes me doubt guys too. it's like a joke God plays on us, tt guys and girls are to attract and love each other, so tt we can learn to love someone so different??!! seriously.
And point aside, so much question marks going through my mind. yet after praying I got no answer. maybe someone reading this totally senseless post can enlighten me a lil. thank you. and pls be honest with me, even though it may hurt me, if you are someone who loves me enough to do tt.

rained @ 3:44 AM

To be totally blessed! (: that's how I feel the past few days..

Shopping with mingwei, haven met him in such a long time.. Dint say much or really go much into details of our lives, but still am happy. hahha! was scared tt he'll feel bored shopping for all those nitty gritty things tt only girls would bother, but he's fine and provides good ideas too (: so yea, had fun shopping with him (:

Coming back hall and had dinner with dom dom (: am glad we grew closer recently and shared more. He's really a joker who totally makes my day. esp when he's tgt with fel! the 2 of them brings laughter to everyone ard them, the way they interact (:

Then skype with claire lim in UK.. Finally.. after the many failed attempts.. though the screen kept freezing and we both busy doing our stuff while talking, her presence over skype, whining to yonglong, complaining abt her essay, humming to musics though she's tone deaf, updating each other abt things, made me feel so so happy (: really miss her so much.. her family went over to visit too.. need to get my christmas card from them (:

This morn, greatest swimming attendance. thanks to craig's super intimidating email after my try-hard-to-be-intimidating email.. haha. but am glad ppl came down and realize how much they need to train to catch up.. really, i think the gold medal is not sth to be taken for granted. or sth we shld be complacent abt though we won for 3 consecutive years. i still believe in hard work.. burden on kenneth and my shoulder. but really hope to clinch back IHG gold for swimming again this year..

Then meeting with carmen (: Am so blessed.. I am really so glad to have a sister like her whom we are able to share abt anything and everything.. Carmen brought me to eat at a nice ramen stall at the top floor of far east, really yummy. Shopped ard, in the end she bought nothing and I bought 3 things, though it was suppose to be me accompanying her to shop.. haha. But I am happy with my buy. Chinese New Year is a great excuse to do shopping. Bought my SPEC-tacular specs for ronald's bday. And I suggested to play a dare game with carmen. That if I wear the specs to walk down to city hall then she must treat me lunch. haha. and so i did. received snorts along the way but I wasnt affected, it just seems like a normal thing to me. We were just really merry and laughed non stop along the way. and when we reached the tunnel. i told carmen, since we've made each other's day, let's make someone else's day. and so we tried to make a donation to a blind man at the tunnel. And carmen donated while I held her bubble tea for her. So I was holding 2 bubbles tea on my hand and was trying to balance. and when she's done with the donation I tried to return her her cup, and I don't know how, the bubble tea fell onto the floor and the plastic cup cracked and the tea flowed out like water fall. and the ground we were standing on had a bit of slope. and so all the tea flowed down towards the old blind man we just made donation to. and I just stood there in shock. and carmen was like asking me to move away so tt the drink will at least flow on the public pathway and not on his instruments. but i was in shock and too slow in reacting, so all the tea just flowed out from the cup. And carmen started laughing and so I laughed, and we both burst out laughing though the situation is not funny. And ppl walking past were snorting at us again. I feel really bad for the blind man.. I made all the base of his instrument wet and sticky. But there was nothing we could do! And I couldnt believe and am amused by how stupid I am, and coz carmen kept laughing so we both just kept laughing at the slope. And all these in my AA looking white specs.. And we walked away coz there was nothing we could do. The whole thing was just hilarious. But now I really feel bad for not apologizing to the blind man at least. I will do tt the next time I go back. Then I gave carmen a chance to redeem herself, tt if she dares to wear the specs from orchard to city hall mrt, then the treat is off. haha and she did. it's really funny. how the man was hiding a smile when carmen topped up her card. and on mrt how ppl looked at her and she tried to hide under her wallet. She felt embarrassed but still she wore it all the way till we met her dad. Courage! haha! And her dad was in shock when he saw her. haha (:

But what I really like abt her family was how carmen was just able to share all the stupid things tt happened to us with her dad, the dare and the blind man incident, like how she would share it with any other frens. I know I wont be able to do tt. My parents will probably comment on me being immature, ask me to grow up, to stop being so childish and not getting things right. There's this child like joy in me I won't want to give up, no matter what happens in life. I dun think tt fun-loving equates to being immature. And I believe there's only one life to live. I really think it's okay to be embarrassed and silly once in a while, as long as we're happy. My parents would probably frown at me. But carmen's dad he just shook his head and laughed. it's so nice.. I guess tt's what makes a child willing to share with his/her parents. The acceptance. and when carmen reached home, she shared excitedly with her mum also. like it's the funniest thing tt happened.. so much so that I felt a lil embarassed.. And I went to carmen's room. She needs to do things, she said she just needs me to make myself at home, which I found tt I alrdy did. haha! and I fell asleep, really nice sleep (: no drooling! haha! And then I ate dinner with her family. It's so nice.. How eating tgt as a family is sth they do since young. Sharing abt their day is sth so easy to do. It's all a lifestyle to them. But to me it's such a blessing, like really nice. I only get to sit round like tt with my family on CNY eve or big family occassions. And their maid cooked all the meals, and they have the same maid for 8 yrs. My mum dun believe in using the same maid, or rather, she dun really trust maid. Neither is she able to treat them as a family, tt's why since young, I have diff maids almost every 2 yrs.. I am not complaining abt my family. I love my family, I believe each family is just unique in its own way. But spending the whole day with carmen and then her family just opened up my perspective to Christian family and how I want my future family to be like.. And what kind of positive change I can bring to my own family now. And thank you carmen for sharing with me her family salvation. How her mother brought change to the family. it's like God's salvation plan takes many many years. 14 yrs before the father came to christ and more than 20 yrs for other relatives to come too.. And it's really encouraging. How she tell me, like her mum, I can learn the strengths and weaknesses from my parents and next time I will build a Christian family of my own and bring change to my family too.. (: Her mum is really a brave woman.. 14 yrs of praying for her husband, it's not easy, really. Thank you carmen, you really made me so happy & blessed my day so much.. Thinking abt our frenship and how our future family will get to know each other next time too, just brings joy to my heart (: I love you carmen.

Then went to Tampines to meet aloy and Shaif to talk abt Keep Youths Alive. eepin was there too..Hearing their vision, passion and goals, all so in line with mine, I really have no reason to doubt anymore. I just am worried abt my time commitment. But I believe tt since this is what God brought to me and wants me to do, if He brings me to it, He will definitely bring me through it.. And it's so nice being able to talk to aloy once again. Really a changed man (:

With so much blessings in my life, I am awfully happy (: Next few days, many activities lining up, am gonna treasure all! (: Have a great holiday too!

rained @ 1:11 AM

came across 2 videos while reading my frens blog which i like very much (:
Love is in the air (: Breathe in and give some love to those around you today! (:

rained @ 3:00 PM

Back (: I really enjoyed the Kelong trip. Simple 3 days 2 nights. Yet it was so relaxing. Away from stress and all troubles! In fact, I can't remember any of my troubles at all. The whole trip is just filled with fun and laughter! I was just enjoying the present. And nothing weighing my heart. I thank God for such joy.. Chill, relaxing, slow pace and doing simple activities like eating non stop, fishing, going to the beach, exploring new places, mahjong, sets, sleep, laughing non stop at all the jokes they crack and entertainment they provided me with.. So much happiness. And I thank god for hall friends for such happiness of heart. For me it is really a great blessing to be able to stay in hall and be able to make a bunch of such good frens who care.. They say that as you grow older, you will realize that your good frens are all from secondary sch. True to a certain extent but I think I am lucky in the sense that every stage of my life I am always blessed with friends who I cherish..

I realized past week, I have been laughing alot, and been very happy. And I really like myself like that, being able to be myself wherever I am. And I am really enjoying this solitude, this singleness, the simple joy of enjoying life. I can care for my frens, boys and girls alike, without having to care abt what others think or judge, knowing I only have to account to God. And do all the activities that I want to do according to my mood, going and travelling as my heart tells me, walking down paths alone in crowd or in silence, thinking through things with God. And I plan to stay like that for a while, not willing to settle down any time soon. Maybe when God rings the bell for me to settle down or when I meet the right one, I will heed His calling. Right now, I know it's not time and I am happy the way things are.. I am happy with who God made me to be.

I am reminded on New Year's Eve, shiming yiling and jo at the bus stop waiting for bus with me.. and they were talking about how touching the cell was that day. And they talked about crying in front of ppl. They said that they would hold back their tears when they are on the verge of crying. And I said I would hold back mine too coz I dun really like crying in front of ppl. But I think I am really quite a cry baby sometimes coz although I try very hard to hold back, I always still end up crying and it's sth I hope to change, coz I dun want to appear emotional or be emotional. I blogged abt this before. I say I want to be strong for those around me and so I dun want to be emotional, coz I feel that by being emotional it makes me seem so weak, and I dun want to be weak, I want to be strong for my loved ones.

And I was so surprised when shiming, jo and yiling told me not to change. They said I was different. My kind of emotional is different from being emo. I am expressive in my emotions. I let my emotions run but my emotions are real. I am those kind who would put myself in other shoes and feel the hurt they are going thru and cry for/with them. And they asked me never to change coz it is this trait of mine that makes me the yingxiu they know. And I was so touched! Noone has ever said these to me. I always think it's a weakness, hearing from ppl who matter to me like gor and dajie telling me that I should stop being so emotional when I cry in front of them, and hear things like the worst thing u can do when someone tell you his problems is to cry along with him. And I want to change so much. I think my emotions make me weak and I don't want to be weak. But as shiming, jo and yiling talked to me tt day and told me tt I should never change.. it was like God speaking to me. Telling me how much He loves me for who I am, and I am who He has created me to be. And there's no need for me to change just coz I feel bad about myself coz of what some ppl tell me, even though they may be ppl who matter. I should love myself for who I am coz others who see me in the light of how God sees me, they'll love me for who I am! And it is impt tt I love myself for who God loves me and never ever doubt myself no matter what. And that brought so much relief into my heart.. God reassured me that it's okay. That I dun have to try so hard to change. That I can just be myself. That it's okay if I want to cry sometimes, it's okay if I just show my weaknesses and be vulnerable in front of ppl sometimes. That it's okay if I need to receive some humanly comfort sometimes.. That it's okay.. And tt really makes me feel so much happier (: Reminded me that life is really too short to worry so much about what others think or say, and try to change myself to become someone God did not make me to be. I should just be myself and be happy.. I hear God saying tt to me and tt makes me so happy and so relief (: Knowing that my God is a God who understands my weaknesses and allow me to display my weakness, so that I may be made strong in Him... It's so amazing, isnt it? For someone to not only love you for your strength, but also for all your weaknesses, to see beauty in them (:

I really am enjoying my holiday. School is starting. And I dun really want it to start. Fast pace and stressful life again. But I know I will pull through. So much things to look forward to. Chinese Production, Dance Production, JCRC, Keep Youths Alive, Fund Raising for COSI, COSI, Teaching Attachment, Orientation, my batch guys coming into uni (: and all the 21st bdays coming up... A lot of activities awaiting me. And on top of all these, making time for my family and friends.. But more imptly, cant wait to see how God's exciting plans are going to unfold in my life. This year greater than last year or any other years, it's exciting coz 2009 sets a high expectation, but I know it'll be great and I am excited! (:

It's only 3rd day of hol! And I am enjoying it so far! (: Surprise 21st party for shihui was enjoyable and amazing! Happy as usual (: Last week of holiday, I will treasure it and spend it well! (: Smile and be merry! It's a sunny yellow banana day! (:

rained @ 3:30 AM

It was the last few days of 2009, yet many things happened and I thank God for bringing me through again, like He always do.. Met up with frens to catch up. And those simple meetups never fail to warm my heart. It's good to hear of the things happening in my frens' life and to share parts of my life with them. For friends whom I haven met in a long while, it's always the first step that is the hardest. But still, it's a great joy to have them back in my life..

Countdown, I spent with cell. I had countdowns at orchard and marina when I was in Sec 3 and I must say I dint really like it. The crowd and the foams everywhere, and trying damn hard to protect ourselves from perverts.. I prefer quality time spent at somewhere quiet. And for the past 3 yrs I am so glad I get to spend my last day of the yr with my cell. And spending with them is always the most meaningful and purposeful. Thanksgiving at cell never fail to warm my heart, make me feel so loved and make me cry, rmbering all the goodness of God in my life. And it is true, every year since I become a Christian, it's really from glory to glory. Every year it's so good, I would ask, how can next year be even greater or have even more drama than all that I have gone through this year. And somehow it always does. My God is a creative God. Today wayne said, "this year is just a bad year for me". and I can relate so well. He took out the card he gave to us on our first cell in 2009. I still have it. It writes "Unafraid what's ahead". And just like him, I thought this year would be a glorious year.. Rmbering I have in mind much optimism and ambition. But little did I expect it would be the opposite. Instead of a glorious journey, this year I fell into my deepest valley and yet God wanted me to be unafraid what's ahead, even in my darkness. God wants us to remain broken in His presence. And when wayne gave thanks for cell for standing by him in his low, when chingfeng teared while making the speech. I know this year hasnt been easy for me, but neither has it been easy for many of my cell members. It was a year of test for all of us. Breakups, stagnation in cell growth, people leaving the Lord.. Yet the mighty warriors in my cell are still around. And it's them tt makes the cell strong. And I know they would still be my pillar of support when everything in my life falls. Built to last.  E406 more than a cell, it's really a family to me. And yet, looking at my 2009 resolution written in faith, all was fulfiled, though in a completely different manner I imagine it to be.. yet is was. God is amazing. In our brokeness we are made strong and in our weakness, His glory shines through us.

A simple cell today. i used to be contributing so much and acknowledged, but this yr there was nothing for me coz I was away. It is so easy for me to sink into the thoughts of being feel left out and unappreciated, detached from cell coz it feels tt they have moved on wout me, tt they have forgotten me. Yet no, I know I really haven been around. And so what if I feel upset, it doesnt change anything, I know I really did my best out of my circumstances and cell, it has always been in my mind. I can undstd how derrick feels, yet I have learnt, love cant be demanded. you receive love when you give love, and somehow love gets passed on and one day it will eventually return to you in one way or another. Instead of feeling upset, I really feel so happy and blessed seeing the growth in each and everyone of them. Old members, new members. It's amazing.. And it really makes me so happy and blessed, knowing that God working in my life is working in theirs too. And I received love in unique ways.

Gina, wayne's maid, talked to me and rmbered my name, I felt so happy. I always thought she's so fierce and dislike me.. I was a lil fearful of her. But she did not forget me. She said "Yingxiu, help me with this" and I was like "Gina you rmb my name!" and she was like "Aiya! Of course la!" (: She also asked me why I haven been around and I felt so touched (: I never really talked to her properly before coz I was scared of her and I was glad I did today while helping her out at the kitchen (: Talking to new friends.. I never felt awkward doing that. Instead I feel happy when they are open in sharing their life with me.. Cell members not forgetting me and telling me how happy they are to have me around. The excitement it their eyes.. it makes me smile. Quality time spent with them, I really treasure. Walking me to the bus stop, I really appreciate. Nich's gift and appreciation for me, thank you (: I really missed them alot. It seems like I don't care tt's why I am away, but it is not true. I really care and going thru the yr with them, I really wish I am there for every event yet I know I cant. I cry many times in the night coz I miss church I miss cell very much, yet I know I can't compare. I just dun feel good everytime when I had to lie. I dun feel good with a strained rs with my parents. I dun feel good having to hide so many things. And I know I should never compare spiritual walks. I know I should give thanks for all that God has brought me thru.. God has a different plan for me and things have really been becoming better for me, since I choose to obey the Lord. But returning to cell, returning to church is still a desire and a God's promise which I hold on to strongly. And I never want to grow weary fighting this fight.. Coz sometimes it really feel extremely lonely and depressing. Yet I am glad I have frens with me, everytime, when I most needed it. Really Thank God (: But still, 2009, been a great yr, for the experience of going thru deep valley and holding on to my faith, I know I have become closer to the Lord and a stronger Christian. For all the restored relationship. 2010 a greater year yet. I still cant see how it can be even more dramatic than all tt I have gone thru this year. But somehow, it just will be a greater year. wait and see..

So off to kelong for 3 days with hall frens (: Good way to start my year. And a whole list of events awaiting me when I come back, before sch starts.. Shihui's party, Movie with chuan, psych chalet, butties, K box with council, meeting aloy to discuss KYA, BFF bday!, trainings.. Looking forward to all! and sch starting real soon!!! 2010 here I come! (:

rained @ 4:08 AM