"A woman’s heart should be so close to God that if a man wants her heart he’d have to seek God first." 
 - Vanness Wu

saw this quote on yiling's facebook which i really like...
The meaning of the vow been coming to my mind so much these day..
Why God prompt me to make tt vow and what it all mean now..

Our life belongs to God and it's meant to please Him and Him alone..
what we think or want doesnt matter as much as what He thinks or wants..
Anything tt doesnt please Him or if we are disobedient to Him, we only end up putting ourself in a worse position, in greater misery..
it's better to obey God... and I want to obey Him...

Things i read in "boundaries in dating" which I really like.

In healthy relationships, people accept the good and bad in each other. They love and hate each other. But love dominates over hate and is the glue that helps us tolerate the bad things that we should not ignore.

How true isnt it? Love and Hate relationship.
Also learnt abt blame, disrespect, physical limits and much more.. thank you Claire for a good book (:

Realized so much more abt myself. The good and the bad. it's like a roller coaster ride. Sometimes i dun undstd myself. i dunno whether it only occurs now or all along i never really knew alot abt myself but only coz i m knowing more abt myself now tt's why i realize i dun really know myself. Confusing, yes.

arts camp was great, 1st time in 3 yrs. i like all the different Action no. 1, 2, 3... and crazy singles cheer, and how we scam the poor boy from another OG during intrahouse bonding by saying tt all of us are from diff OG when we all knew each other.. and so much more..
signed up for BS starting next week.. finding my way closer to God, back to church..
when centre of my life is shaky, everything else goes shaky..
realized i have been missing out alot on my frens' life, but i m doing my best..
there's sth in me missing tt i m trying to find back. maybe it's all part of growing up. but there's sth tt makes me less true to myself and ppl ard me and less happy abt life.. it went missing some time back, it's been so long but i'm still trying to find it back.
and time alone like tt is good for me, i like it, which makes me feel quite like a introvert at times.. closet introvert.

attachment starting next week. pray it'll be good, tt i may exp the joy tt i had when i went for relief teaching at CVSS and learn so much more.. 1 more month of holiday!

rained @ 2:45 PM

To my beloved ah po who I have knew since I was young..
Though we are not really related by blood, u feel much like an ah ma to me too..
I m sad I did not get to see you for the one last time.. wanted to do it today but u left even before I was able to do it..
I'll miss you and all the times visiting u during CNY where u'll give all the kids our $2 ang bao..
All the bday dinners.. how u brought me to the CC when I was young and how you taught me how to fold grasshopper with leaves which I can rmb now..
May God bless u in heaven..
















Yesterday was a day of great lesson for me.. Lord, to teach me never to take for granted what I have and to always rmb tt love and relationship with you and with people are the most impt things on this earth..
Bless my family and heal everybody who is sick.. I pray all these in ur precious name Lord. and Happy Father's Day to my dearest daddy..
Arts camp next week.. 1st time in my 3rd yr in NUS. Though wont be around all the time, hope it'll be great!

rained @ 1:17 PM

Been wanting to write this post for very long but had no time..
I want to talk about God's provision.
It worries me that I only have one month after I come back from Cambodia to meet my building fund pledge.
And I thought the best way is to go for jobs that pay me few hundreds in few days. So I went to ask for few contacts recommended by fren. But neither the Adam Khoo company nor the excursion company are replying my email or calls. and i wonder how on earth and I suppose to get a job that help me fulfil my pledge.
And I had to reject the waiteressing job because it's too low paying and the working hours requires me to wake up at 5 am and end work in the late afternoon, by the time I would be super tired and will have no time for frens and family.
And it's already going to be the 2nd week of June. I started to doubt if I am too fussy and I should have just settled for the low paying and long hour waitressing job.
But u know I underestimated God.
Random people started to give me calls and sms-es for jobs.
Huixian's fren contacted me for chinese tuition and she wants intensive one this holiday like 3-4 times a week and it's really good coz it's recommended and there's no need for the 1st month commission thing unlike the tuition agency.
Then my cousin, who we dont usually contact each other, suddenly called me for expo exhibition job for his company for 4 days. I thought will be very tiring but went down for my 1st day today and it's not tiring. I had alot of time to do my own things coz not much people and it's acty quite enjoyable to work with a group of new people.
And a prudential person suddenly phoned me up asked if i rmb doing a survey 6 months back (which I couldnt) and said if I am interested to be part time financial consultant. Told her that I only can work in June and she said it's no problem! Going down for interview next week, and whether anot the job suit me, it's still quite good coz I will get a free movie ticket by going down. it's quite funny if they really offer me a job coz like june is ending already.
And xiyan too for being such a stable and enjoyable part time job.

And also financial blessings along the way... Really, God works in amazing way. Always hear of people giving out of their poverty and how God really provided for them. I really wanted to witness that because I have always been giving out of my abundance. So this time round I really challenged myself. And like they always say, when God gives you a vision, He would give u the provision. It's really true. Humans we often dont have the faith to believe in things we cannot see, but God just wants us to trust Him and take a step of faith. and when we do that God opens up a whole new world of miracles to us and we have to marvel at how He works and know that He truly is God, that He is real, that He is greater than us and greater than all our situations in life (:

And I thank God for odd jobs like that because I still have some time to spend with all my loved ones.
Settlers with the hall people was great fun! Family business and saboteur---vendetta, mob war, family influence... we almost killed each other literally! great testing of frenship thru games! hahaa! but really had fun with my lovely hall mates! (:

Ping's bday! Bought ingredients and baking of gingerbread house at qi's house till 4am with the real linxin who's back! Jet lagging, tired and happening.. And next day ping's party at mana mana! (: lovely party with all her close frens! finally met claire neo! Happy bday to my dear Buttie Bestie since sec 3! will never forget all the times we have tgt, both good and bad. love u loads dear! A very happy bday to you!

Calido outing listening to alvin and koksoon talk abt the working world, marriage, owning flats, cars and membership. So adult world. So gonna be my world in another 2 years. so kindda scary. Really feel quite blessed tt parents are able to afford a house and car and still have the finances to support all 4 of us through our uni education. And thank God for great seniors like them who we can trust and turn to for advice, then and now. Calido love! outing next time, no berms and slippers, if not we cant enter NUSS graduate club thank you marc! haha.

Family time, tao tao being able to climb all the way to the third level and me waking up to him welcoming me. Baby sit at da jie's house. Dian xiao er at Terminal 3 with po po. visiting gong gong who is sick and popo making us choose a gold item each to keep coz she said she's 82 and old and dont know when she might be leaving, she wants to leave sth for all her grandchildren. And she has left the apartment under all her children's name. It's sad to hear your grandparents say these things to you. I still want them to see me get married and have children and to have them by my side for as long as God allows. Ah gong died when I was 5 or 6 so I really have very vague memory. All my other grandparents are still alive. It's really good blessing from God that I am able to have my grandparents alive till I am so old. But I cant imagine if any of them are to pass away. How I would feel and how my family would adapt. How new years and gatherings would be so different and no longer the same.. But for now, I would treasure them for as long as I can.

And also bible studies, dinners at fav seah im and walk from kent ridge park to mount faber (: times of conflict and turbulence which made the both of us so tired. but through it all, thank you for everything. With you I find out more and more about myself and about love. really sometimes I find myself being not very lovable, being very unpredictable, being very fearful and not exactly a very easy person to love. Coz only with you do I show my ugliest and most unreasonable side. And i would not undstd why you choose to love me too. So despite times of downs which make me feel like I am happier being alone, I still thank God for you in my life to help me overcome my escaping and fearful tendencies by being so giving, so accepting of me and my ways and for always standing by me. You've gone a long way to win my heart. And now you make me want to treasure you more and learn to love you more too (: Thank you zc! (:

So more work, more camps, more frens, more family, more love, more of God!
2 more months of holiday! What a long break, so much freedom. I just love being a uni student! Don't you? (:

rained @ 12:14 AM

A student asks a teacher, "What is love?"

The teacher said, "in order to answer your question, go to the wheat field and choose the biggest wheat and come back.
But the rule is: you can go through them only once and cannot turn back to pick."

The student went to the field, go thru first row, he saw one big wheat, but he wonders....may be there is a bigger one later.

Then he saw another bigger one... But may be there is an even bigger one waiting for him.

Later, when he finished more than half of the wheat field, he start to realize that the wheat is not as big as the previous one he saw, he know he has missed the biggest one, and he regretted.

So, he ended up went back to the teacher with empty hand.

The teacher told him, "...this is love... You keep looking for a better one, but when later you realise, you have already miss the person...."

"What is marriage then?" the student asked.

The teacher said, "in order to answer your question, go to the corn field and choose the biggest corn and come back. But the rule is: you can go through them only once and cannot turn back to pick."

The student went to the corn field, this time he is careful not to repeat the previous mistake, when he reach the middle of the field, he has picked one medium corn that he feel satisfy, and come back to the teacher.

The teacher told him, "this time you bring back a corn.... You look for one that is just nice, and you have faith and believe this is the best one you get.... This is marriage."

 In marriage, everyday you love,
and everyday you forgive.
It is an ongoing sacrament, love and forgiveness....... --- Bill Moyers



We all have fears.. Big fears small fears.. My fears are of rejection, of the past, of the unknown in future.. Perfect love casts out all fears but that perfect love must be grown, it doesnt just happen like that.. May time and love help me overcome all fears.. And may I learn to trust that this wheat that I pick will be the best one amongst the field... Even if it's not, I know it's still a very good one with no regrets. May all the bad memories of the bad wheats not come back and haunt me and be everything of the past.. coz I know God only has better and greater plans for me and this wheat that I pick this time will not disappoint me (:

 And my God is LOVE!!

rained @ 2:59 PM

Sometimes I realize I cant sit still or be still for too long doing absolutely nothing..
I need actions in life. I need things in life to keep me occupied..
If not I become fidgety or I would rather turn to sleep..
What it means to be still and know that He is God. I need to learn.
Back from Cambodia, if I have nowhere to go and have to stay home, I absolutely cant be still. Yet sometimes I am just lazy to get myself out of the house.
I want to do things yet lazy.. How ironic.
Next year, it'll be less of hall activities. More focus on studies.
Part of me still want to be amongst the hall actions. But I know this time God wants me to stop and rest.
I guess it's time I do that. To not forget the very reason why God placed me in NUS and gave me my MOE teaching award. Not to be a good hostelite but a good student. 
It's hard for someone like me who needs constant stimulation to keep awake and cant sit still for very long to just do nothing but study. Coz I get easily distracted by computers, handphones, things going around me. And maybe Gor is right that hall activities do distract me. That school term sometimes still feel like orientation to me.
But I guess it's part of God's plan that I dint do exactly well this sem. Answer to me not running for presidency. It's also like a wake up call for me. Time for me to study hard and pull up my caps to do my honours. And to study with understanding and smartly. I am not ready to graduate so soon yet. And to have more time to spend on reading the bible and praying, have a more healthy sleeping habit. Spend more time with frens and family.. and Gor's coming hall next year and with zc supervising me. I dun think I can slack alot. 

I love city harvest. The place I experienced God, learnt so much, strengthen my spiritual walk. It's a controversial church coz of it's size and the amount of tithes it has collected. But it doesnt matter what men say. coz I know this is God's church and only what He says matter. To build a church without walls. That God's presence is so tangible in this place. That so many ppl have come to this place and know God thru the sermons and fellowship. The servanthood of the leaders I have seen for myself and the love and zest for God and for each other present in this church. All the church planting, services, conferences and outreaches, help to the poor and needy, building God a great house, sacrifices and challenging us in our faith. I trust the leadership and that none of the money are misused but all are used into building God's kingdom. Pray for pastors as they are under this time of investigation and persecution, give them the strength that they need after so many days of Asia conference. that it is of God's plan that our church unite as one and become stronger thru this. And after this may we set a new and higher standard and tt more people may come to know of our faith. Pray for us, all brothers and sisters in christ of the same body. We really need unity and not divide in this body..

Went for interview yest at liz's cousin's shop under lliz's recommendation. it's at thomsom plaza. quite far but I hope I get the job with a good pay. I need the money and I know God will give me that provision. start work daily at 7am, 8 hours a day for 3 weeks. Will be tiring but it's for God. It's a time of testing for me, my heart of sacrifice and I know God will see me through. I want to give. This whole time of PO and obedience. Sometimes I do get discouraged, sometimes I doubt myself badly. But Lord, I want to find confidence in my relationship with you, to bridge the gap between my self esteem and my self concept, how I feel and what I know I am in You. Thank you for angels you have sent into my lives and for reminders that you are always with me and that you love me and that I still have a strong relationship with you, everytime I doubt. Draw me closer to you oh Lord and let me BE STILL and know that you are God.



And most happy to meet noob yest (: to bring out the 'best' in each other. And from being guarded to being more open with each other. I thank God for our friendship. And BFF too for sms-es to know tt u still care even though we haven met in quite a while. very happy to see dom and kar yest too. though only for a short while. dom is still as funny. And time spent today with family.. Baby sitting tao tao. quite sad tt tao tao always fails to recognize his xiao yi after a while coz of not seeing me coz of hall or overseas trip. sophie said same for her too. and it'll take some time for taotao to warm up to me again. Visited ah ma and taotao played with my cousin's baby, ryan. Ryan so much more active compared to tao and so adorable. Younger yet so much stronger. can crawl at a super fast speed, stand up without holding things, take food and put into his own mouth, play with toys happily, smile more and warm up to people super quickly. Taotao on the other hand is slow to warm up, fearful of toys with music, always crawling away to a quiet spot, smile less and seems more introverted. Da jie and Qian jun feels sad tt their baby pales in comparison.. But I guess all babies just take on different path of development and tt God knows which family to place us to give us the kind of character tt we need. And taotao is just the way he is. not the typical enthu baby, more serious and reserve, like his yeye and nai nai. and i realize i love baby but I dun really Love Love babies. I dun get as excited as my sisters and parents as I see babies. I feel like my reaction is more like that of my brother. I like to play with them but I dun get overly obssess with playing with them or doing so much just to make them laugh. I dunno whether it's good or bad, coz feels like I have less love. hhahaa.

And give me all the blessing I need for tomorrow. It's a step of faith for me to step out of my comfort zone, to trust in your plans and to embrace what u've given to me. Do feel a lil jittery. But I know u're with me. I hope they'll like me and that it'll be fine. Love you Lord, see me thru rest of my holidays! (:

rained @ 10:58 PM

To give myself a chance to open up and love again..
Thank you for being so patient with me and for always being there, for moving me with ur love..
Thank you for showering me with Christ-like love and being a reflection of God's love to me..
They say love cast out all fears..
I am a fearful girl with loads of fears and worry, I know how destructive they are.. It's like a built in mechanism I have to avoid and run away from things whenever I feel uncomfortable with them..
Thank you for helping me realize my fears and to confront them bit by bit.. There are so many times I disappoint you, make you sad and confused.. But thank you for choosing to stay by my side despite all these and continue to love me..To tell me that love is a decision. And ur decision is me.
2 years seems like a seemingly long year before I am willing to commit.
Thank you for being willing to wait.
Let this be a test for you and for myself too.
May God guide our path ahead as we continue to grow this friendship.
After spending so many days together, may time apart with our own commitments help us maintain our independence and not grow dependent on each other.
Jia you for rag! I will jia you at work too (:

rained @ 2:26 PM