RISK

rained @ 2:06 PM

I completed my first 21km today at army half marathon! (:
i still rmb a year ago when i said i would like to run 21k this year coz i saw waijia's post on how she completed it..
never would i think i acty complete 21k this year.
thanks to zc who insisted on signing me up for it few months ago.
though i was prepared mentally. but physically i was not very prepared, but nevertheless i am thankful that we completed the race tgt (: and for the effort of trying to prepare for the race..
puking, kept looking for toilets, experiencing sore and aches on our legs yet keep going on, catching up with xiao pangs and clown pink shoe guy..
it's def once-in-a-lifetime exp. and I thank You for going thru it tgt with me.
We werent really the best participants ard. haha! no wonder my frens were so worried. which made me feel very loved. (:
but it's the journey that counts really (: the journey does seems like the journey of life isnt it? our journey with God. the only way out is to keep going forward, be it to walk or to run. sometimes we get tired. we reach a standstill. we just want to sit by the roadside and curse the kerb or whatsoever random things. but at the end. the only way out is still to pick ourselves up to continue the journey forward. there's no turning back, just keep going forward...

and God's creation is so beautiful. i dun think there's much chances tt i acty get to see the morn sky in spore in town like tt. compared to flyers or IR or any other buildings, the vast sky and beautiful clouds and beautiful colours of the sunrise beats the structures a hundred times. which made me miss cambodia's sun rise and sunset. coz i could really see the fields and sky without any buildings blocking my view. God's creation is still the prettiest, unbeatable, uncomparable.

So yes i completed 21k. so what if i took 4 hours! i managed to complete it anw (: (: (:  next run soon? we'll see.. haha!


















aching leg and body! but back to exercise routine once i recover (: salonpas massage at the end point was super shiok. i got such a great massager. coz when anne and heon completed their 2nd round, the man was still massaging for me! so very shiok (:

And back home taotao is so adorable. how he smile till I cant see his eyes everytime he sees me. making super alot of noise and now being able to walk and wave. so cute (:

And went to watch junxiang's church productions few days back (: it was awesome. quite cool seeing him on big screen. and knowing they put in so many months of hardwork for it. i was really very happy that everything turned out nicely for him and the team (: and i am just really very happy for him for everything in his life right now. tt he is leading a satisfying life and serving God so much more. hmmm and i guess tt thru it all, God has been always teaching me to be forward looking. that God is a God that gives us a hope and a future. that everything in its time, we would find answers to all doubts and uncertainties. and find out why things must happen the way they were. to learn to let go and rmb the serenity prayers. To accept the things we cannot change, to have the courage to change the things that we can and to have to wisdom to know the difference. and I guess it's coz of imperfections and loss in lives that we really learnt to treasure and love all that we have in our life now. So I really thank God for zc. coz he is really God's gift in my life. To challenge me in my spiritual life, to make me realize I must find back many things which I have lost along the way. my emotions-- to be able to laugh and cry when things are happy/sad, to not be hardened up, to be true to who I am and learn to trust people and not grow skeptical, to live life to the fullest and to do sth abt the things i want to do instead of having the passive thinking tt "what's the use of working so hard since everything will work out in God's plan anw" coz it's not true. tt God indeed works thru our hardwork and our desire. to find back my convictions which I held so dear, but overtime because of disappointments became negotiable, my "I MUST" in life. To let the holy spirit do the job instead of trying to depend so much on myself. to fight on God's ground instead of trying to fix things by myself. to find back the little faith that i need so much.

there are of course time we fall, but I know so sure tt this rs is from God. And I thank God for you all the time. To move me with your love, your sincerity, your commitment and your willingness to wait for me. For God to give me the capacity and heart to learn to trust and love again. for being upset for reasons which I cannot undstd sometimes, but all because it points down to ur care for me. coz I dont take care of myself or coz I am not listening to you and you could anticipate how things would turn out badly, or how I am not challenging myself. to teach me that love is indeed patient and enduring thru all difficulties. To have the heart and grace big enough to embrace all my imperfections. Many frens asked me so why arent we tgt yet? that it's unconventional. but all I can say is that we are both waiting for God's timing. for God to make everything ready for the both of us. our family, our breakthroughs, to break away totally from my past, to be able to give my whole heart. to be obedient to Him and my vow made.

and reading fren's blog and seeing how people try to maintain their relationship, esp long dist rs or couples who have been tgt for a long time and feelings grown cold. I learnt tt it's commitment that keeps a rs going. tt God is the one who made a rs longlasting. to teach us to love even in the hardest time. to make sacrifices for one another with the sacrificial love of christ. to be honest with each other when it's hard to sometimes. i learnt never to take my rs for granted. tt it's really not easy for 2 to meet needless to say, come tgt.

esp when God spoke to him to rise in his minstry, it makes me scared and worried sometimes. tt we will spend less time tgt. tt we would be too different coz he's moving forward yet I am still in a standstill. but why shld we be worried that our partner is serving God more.. tt God should still be the centre of it all in both our lives. to never lose the main reason what we are doing on this earth, to serve God. tt everyone has the equal opportunity to serve God. it's just whether we are willing to rise to the occassion. I dont want to be happy for you. I want to be serving God too, side by side with u. that is why i need my breakthrough so badly. the courage, the faith I need. it's so difficult. but there's no fear in perfect love. that just like marathon. or in a desert. we have to keep walking coz if not we would be stranded or thirst to death. it's a "I MUST" and in God "I CAN".

-Mark 5:38 the verse that yulin wrote to me when she gave me my 1st bible: "Do not be afraid, just believe." We all need that faith  in God sometimes and that's when He can show his power and deliverance, dont we? Let's all have a little more faith in God. and I have been thinking what christian name I should choose next time. and my 1st choice christian name so far is Faith. so I'll be Faith Tan Ying Xiu. I think it's really nice. coz I think faith is so impt in my life. what do you all think? opinions anybody? hee (:

rained @ 2:17 AM

i'm finally here to blog...
been busy and away... things are happening. but maybe i have somebody to share all my stories and burdens with, I dont feel the need to blog as much... (:
been sick and weak the past few weeks..
It's always through my weaknesses that I realize the power of God and how much I need Him in my life..
Long time since I have fever that actually reaches 39.5 degree.
Yet, fever seems quite manageable as we grow older..
It's funny how the older generation would say things like "Put on more clothes!" "Cover yourself with more blanket to force the sweat out!"
While if I really do that, I will get scolding from my frens or sister who will ask me to "Take cold baths!" "Dont cover yourself with so much things, on the fan, you cant get hotter than you already are!"

Who to believe? hahaa I am a little in between. I will try to take cold baths and cover myself less but yet not really cold baths nor really not covering myself coz I will shiver so much and feel so cold I cant take it.

But thank God I recover fast every time. Pills and medicine and like my good frens these days. Yet I know these things dont wholly heal. That God is the one behind my fast healing... And when I'm all alone, shivering in bed, hungry and too weak to move. It's praying in tongues and the spirit that provides me comfort. It's moments like that that makes me realize I cant do without the spirit in my life.. And of course to my lovely frens who will be there for me to look after me. zicheng with his hot tumbler, lemsip, lozenges, cooked meals, purple blanket that keeps dropping furs (which makes anne so amused coz I went to lecture with a furry black pants after an afternoon nap, but couldnt bother enough to change) and 101 love items to meet all my needs (: my A2 girls who would send their regards everytime I walk past. "are you better xiu" "heard you're sick xiu, take care, get well soon!" ping who would check on me and ask me to rest, suying for the liang teh, qiqi for helping me da bao dinner and wait till zc comes to accompany me, pingsiew for helping me sms many ppl coz I was too sick to go down for rally and my phone is spoilt. anne for entrusting her car to zc so that I could go to the clinic... I am thankful for these lovely level mates...

And all these brings me to how thankful that I did not run for presidency in the end each time. To really stop busying myself, be still and realigning myself with God and my loved ones... I never realized how much I have been distracted by hall stuff and losing myself a little, so much so that it's so hard for me to stop. till I hear the comment "Are you obssessed with commitments??" which make me stop and think. being less active and more absent does not mean that I am not passionate about things anymore, but maybe just too tired coz I am giving too much ,more than I am refilling myself with my source of strength. Now I am just glad for opportunities where I can just participate.. like run for inter block games as a participant. YAY! 1st for block A girls and guys. even though I was really slow. Anne, Heon and Audrey were amazing.. And also more time to do things I want to do.. like IFG swimming for the 1st time in year 3. I won a gold for 50m breast and 2nd for medley relay, which is pretty amazing. Not true IFG standard is not high loh. Many good swimmers out there. saw some of my ex team mates amongst them like bryan fang, elaine siew, katrina gan... And also going supperssss which I have not done in the longest time.. with A2 girls up to kent ridge park, which was reallly scaryyyy coz of huang na!! hahaha i m kidding, really romantic coz suying and karann went tgt before i mean. hee.. eating Sheares Big Ass Chicken for the 1st time! then BAC a 2nd time with zc, rachel, shane and raymond. 2 big chickens to 4 people and other side dishes. but I enjoy time where I can slack like that though it's one of the day where I eat until I am cranky. Then PGP supper with gor and zc... etc.

It's amazing having my brother in hall with me. To understand the kind of environment I had been residing been since yr 1. And how he would come down check on me and nag on me sometimes. But I love him all the same (: Being able to perform at rag with him as Athena and Poseidon was quite an experience for both of us I believe! (: And having him here in university, I could really feel a difference. Like both of us are growing up already.. no longer the young kids we are in the family. Now having to be more independent and taking care of ourselves. but I know how worried mummy is everytime she calls to check on us.. but i love how they would come down to visit us before they fly off.. They're in Alaska now. I am just glad that they still keep themselves young by participating in activities and travelling tgt. And I love my parents and thank God for them everytime..

And it's nice to meet my batch guys around too! that they finally survived 2 yrs of army and are finally in uni. and with alot of my frens flying away for exchange. which makes me want to go yet a little afraid at the same time. whether I will have the chance and also not knowing what to expect..

Many things have changed over the past few months too.. ended my attachment at ECPS which was amazing.. wonderful exp.. glimpse of how my teaching career would be like.. i know i would love it... esp when i hear teachers who have been in the field for decades saying the same things tt they never grow tired of their job coz there's so much challenges and changes throughout the years and so much things for them to learn... there are so many tutors who were so nice to me along the way.. mdm florence who showed me how loving and excellent a teacher she is.. not just in terms of teaching the students things but making sure they find interest in them and even going to the extent of conducting lessons to parents to teach them how they could use daily things in life to teach their kids.. her super creative ways instruments made out of recycled materials. she's amazing and a true reflection of Jesus' love by the stubborness she hold in never giving up in each and every kid... and being such a great mentor to me in each and every way, for encouraging me and praising me even after i used marker to draw on the smart board which is touch screen... Ms Hazel Foo my direct mentor for helping me liase with various teachers and giving my alot of guidance along the way.. Ee ling who would not pao tou me even though I spend alot of time sleeping in the staff room everyday.. Mr sunny Goh who would be so enthu in finding new ways to teach students all the time.. and so much more.. I am just so glad for all their help during my short stint over there. And also pinxiu for being my best meal buddy (:

Orientation experience was also amazing even though I feel rather old... like can really feel like I cant catch up with the enthu freshies who want to go for supper every single night.. salutes to zurong for being the most enthu counsellor even though he's year 4. but this year OC did a really great job I feel. like many new and creative ideas. well done to byron and cher for leading (: and also this year's juniors are very enthu abt hall too which I feel happy abt (: to keep the Temasek Spirit going strong every year!

And I am thankful for being in A2 with lovely people this year. my lovely ping and qi back tgt with me.. with addition of su, anne, pingsiew and heon! simple lovely people! new A2 love! and we going DND tgt with dom and kar. looking forward to it (:

School wise, I miss emmeline who is still recovering.. but it's so happy to see her like that. wanting to know more about God and drawing close to Him even though she has so much setbacks in her life.. Her life is such a rough patch she encourages me all the time with her strong character, which is so hardy and never afraid to ask for help when she needs to and being appreciative for everything. Met sherine and hongping for lunch. Amazing my 1st OG at psych camp bond still keeps in contact (: met up with some frens for meal like junxiang, liubo, ry but haven met many others like noob fren and BFF :( and also getting to know many of zicheng's frens.

School work wise. really more motivated to want to do well which stems from within. just hope that it will show in my result this sem. yet still many to catch up on... i still want my honours and exchange badly.. but trusting in God for whatever plans that is to come.. UU is amazing and funny with shiming, jasmon and Anne, even though lecturer is kindda irritating at times with bad pronounciation and not funny jokes. hahaa! maths is fun! coz i love maths! and with lots of buddy like muthu, chelle, enqi and jiayan. Have many psych frens taking my psych combi mods tgt with me too (: hope lab would be great coz i love my team mates..xinyi my new fren who was so helpful to me during group dynamics lect, augustine the emo boy who is so funny, and of coz germ germ who is there with me thru my psych life..

And to frens who I care so much about who are going through a rough time or not doing things right. I am glad I have more time for you all, though still cant be there all the time. yet, I hope you all know it pains me to see the things you all are going through. that I care and love you all. and pray for you all everytime I think of you all. I pray God will bring you all through these rough patches. know that He loves you. that God is still very good in ur life. and that He only has greater plans for you.

That's why I love today's msg.. that it answer so much questions I have been having.. The question that pastor post... "would you rather be a lost sheep or a master's dog?"  it's hard for anyone to say they want to be a master's dog.. coz to be someone's dog requires us to humble ourselves so much. yet what's wrong with being a master's dog? at least we know we will be protected and loved no matter what. that even the crumbs from the master is more than enough for us. That too often we approached the throne with so much pride that we are the "king's kins" and becoming bitter when bad things happen to us? Failing to realize that God is not an idol to be approached when we have needs. That we dont approach God with terms and conditions of our own. and not willing to accept reproach and setbacks but like Herod we want to live the life the kind of life that we want and God has to follow our plans. or little faith like Peter. to ask God to stand there and we walk to Him. instead of being really broken and recognize that we can do nothing without Him. To really cry out to Him "Lord, help me!" or "Lord, save me!" or "Lord, have mercy on me!" But God recognizes such faith. Faith that arises when situations are so bad yet we recognize that God is mightier than our situation. and we choose to trust in Him. To bring us through... and He always work miracles for us when we approached Him in such a broken state.. Thank you Lord for speaking..

And last night, probably a realization of how protected an environment I grew up in.. To know or see frens engage in harmful behaviours break me so much. I have no idea why I cried so much. But it hurts me and makes me really angry with Satan and hate sins to see my frens not loving themselves, to just indulge in what they think is exhilarating and fun, according to their definition. it's like a black hole with so much attractive power. But to me it's scary and something I would avoid and stay far away from. Coz I know those happiness are shortlived and with no depth. That it's all an ugly deception. That real happiness come from the joy of the Lord.. But it's time I realize the truth and ugly of this world.. that out of spore, these activities are so prevalent and common. a norm that ppl no longer finds it a big deal. that all my life, i hear about frens who perform them, yet to see it for myself, it makes me so sad.. Yet I must not be afraid. I must not be afraid to reach out, to be there. To be the light God called us to be. It's scary to put ourselves at the front line to fight sometimes isnt it? yet to turn our back and run away from things, is the 1st sure thing to fail... I pray my frens never give up fighting and keep fighting and fighting no matter how tough situations in life may be. coz everything, no matter how bad will pass and God only promise a hope and a future... For myself, to stop avoiding and finding that fighting spirit that has laid dormant coz of too much disappointment.. to be broken and to trust my God that little more... that faith like a mustard seed. I thank you my Lord for teaching me all these. I will conquer.. I will. I love you my Lord, you are my one and only love and I will dwell in your house all days of my life.. forever and ever (:

rained @ 8:55 PM