And even though I feel a lil tired, my previous post speaks out loud to me...
NEVER NEVER NEVER GIVE UPPP!!
even if it means another few more special sem to do my honours, i will go for it. wont want to look back many yrs and see tt i haven not given my last and best shot! and ask myself, what if I have gone for it, will I be able to pursue another year of studies?
but i ask myself, why am I so keen to do my honours? for better pay next time? for a better comfort of living? am I materialistic?
I dont want to become materialistic. I dont want to become someone so preoccupied with earning money. because we cant serve 2 masters, we cant serve both God and money.

waijia blog was apt for me
fool for you

God, I ask for another year at NUS cos I am not ready to graduate, when I know I have so much more I want to learn about my course. When I did not use the best of my uni days to pursue studies wholeheartedly, that I was distracted, I lost my focus in yr 1 & yr 2 in uni, when I kept myself busy with so much hall stuff. I still want to learn so much more, so much so much more, I pray you give me such a chance. Just when I am beginning to enjoy learning and living in the power of trusting you, Lord, I dont want to graduate just yet.

But God, it may be a stubborn decision, maybe u want me to go NIE, or it may be a test of faith from you on how much I really want it. I am not sure, but sth tell me to go ahead with special sem 2, even though it means juggling btw NIE and NUS. even as I go ahead, I just pray I am not doing this alone, but Lord u r here guiding me! And most imptly, let me learn sth out of these 2 modules I am taking in special sem. Let me not see this as a chore but as a privilege. Privilege to learn things I never knew of.

I know I am ill-discipline and ill-focus sometimes, but you always always see me through. Fresh in uni to end of my 3rd year. Lord, let me treasure this chance and enlarge my capacity through this all..

Cos I know things have changed within me from the 1st time I entered uni till now.. From a girl who hanged on stubbornly to my desires and refused to let God take charge, crying and being angry when I couldnt get my exchange. Lord you broke me down, U allow me to see that I should not be envious of others when I am already living in the fruit of ur blessings. Being in NUS and being able to stay in hall is by itself, a great blessing you have given me. And staying here in Singapore allowed me to receive my breakthrough in church-going, to meet so much wonderful friends and the love of my life. I learnt to submit and trust in you God. it's amazing how the usual stress and anxiety did not grip me last night or this morn before the results, like how it did in previous sems. But I had a peaceful sleep, dreaming about running man. Hiding under the shadow of your wing, my heart's safe.

So Lord, just gonna take one step at a time, settle all the admin and shuttle between NIE, ESE and NUS. Make a way for me. Though it's not the usual holiday of rest, I found my rest in you! (: And it's good I am occupied w things to do, if not I will become a sloth.

My last shot, whatever it may be, trust in you, and I know you ALWAYS have the BEST plan for me! (:

rained @ 6:40 PM

Likes this!
Never Never Never Give up!!
Praying and hoping that I will do my honours and I will go for HIGHER conference!
And above all, a closer walk with God! (:

rained @ 5:36 PM

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

-----------------------------------------------------
Claire sent me this song, and I love the lyrics (: thank you dear!

Alot of have come to offer words of encouragement and comfort for the previous post, am really touched! thank you frens! i m sorry if it worried u all, never my intention. i am fine and doing great (: so dun worry abt me k! (:

God is good! for seeing me through my exams period. This is my most crucial semester, determining if I could do my honours. yet there is peace through all the papers that I sat. No freaking out or stress tt overwhelms me. but for each paper, I went in with certain expectancy and I answered all the questions to the best of my ability.

Saw how imperfect I could be. when I got 24/25 for one of my paper, instead of thanking God, I felt tt it was such a pity and exclaimed at how I could have gotten 25 cos I knew my mistake was my 1st ques which was really a careless one from complacency and wanting to complete the paper fast. Only when reminded by zc, then I saw how imperfect I was. It was never by my own strength tt I could get good grades for any papers in the 1st place! It is always because of God's grace and wisdom tt was with me when I revised and sat for the papers, tt I am able to do any questions or do it well. and tt I often forget and take for granted.

And I want to surrender the results of the exams into my Father's hand. less than 2 weeks till I know if I will be staying another year's in NUS or going to NIE. honestly, I am not ready for NIE, but if it is God's will I will embrace this new chapter in my life.

And thank God tt my medical checkout dint turn out bad, at least not some cancer or sth.. polycystic ovary. I just have to watch my diet and exercise more. whatever to come next time, I'll just trust God in it. Thank you God also tt popo is fine and discharged from hospital. both gong gong popo are old alrdy. I pray tt they will come to know Christ this lifetime. I teared when gugu, gor gor and I offered her prayers and she was open to receive it in the hospital.

special sem started and I am so glad to see Augustine in the same lecture. I tot I wont know anybody and I am so so happy to see his familiar face in the crowd. The workload is still fine now. but will get busier, hope I will work hard and not slack! I wanna do well for this module too!

It is this time of the year again. Am a lil sad I am unable to go COSI this year, unlike my past 2 years, cos of my special sem. There are always new things tt are to come in our lives! Things may not be always how we wish for but I know I will always have the desire to go back on more trips to the poor and needy to help them next time. COSI kids u all are greatly missed! Thank you for changing and impacting my lives in such a great way, for helping me heal during tt low period in my life and showing me the evidence of God's endearing and lasting love!



But I am really thankful for Tioman trip w the hall guys, thanks for making it happen! It was great as usual! (: Tioman is a pretty place, no matter how we try to look for entertainment in this modernized world, nothing beats God's creation! just a short trip lulling at the beach is enough to rejuvenate the mind and soul. Enjoyed eating nice food by the seaside, snorkelling, walking by the sea and picking up seashells. tt's how life shld be. not very developed, but slow pace and happy. Thank you for the awesome trip guys though it's a short 2 days 2 night. with u guys it's always fun! 2 dives, 3 dives, many many many dives for u all! haha but congrats on getting the open water cert! Thank God I am able to make sucha great bunch of frens in my uni life thru hall (: They say it's hard to find lasting frens in uni, but I found mine! and I am glad I found them!  we're embarking on different paths soon, but no matter what let's continue to hang out and keep in touch and be able to laugh and talk abt everything under the sun, HTHT like we always do! (: till ripe old age guys!


Zicheng also prepared a sweet surprise for me during the trip. finally revealing to me content of  "cinderella xiu". a folder in his laptop that he refuses to let me see no matter what.. diary entries tt he kept of me, since our period of being uncertain more than a year ago. his thoughts and emotions tt he hope since then tt he'll be able to pass to me one day (: liasing with my frens to lit up the place w candles and doing a heart shape candle (thank u frens!) and showing me a powerpoint slide he prepared for me (: we've come a long way, he asked for my hand and we're officially together! (: Time for him to meet my family! (: As I thought abt our journey tgt, there's no doubt tt God's hand was working in bringing us tgt. From rejecting him and ignoring each other, to accepting him to be one of the closest person in my life! From not having any common frens to knowing each other frens and family. From being fearful and hurt to being freed and protected. Thank you God for seeing us through and for bringing us through all the trials and obstacles. Thank you for such a guy who chose to stand by me, despite all the difficulties and walls I was putting up.

And when I said: "Waa so many people like our changed status", he said "Enjoy the moment! it's going to be the last chance in your life for people to do tt alr! :)" that made me smile :)


Thank you Lord for ur love, grace and mercies to me through people and experiences in my life! Thank you for never forsaking me though I often forget abt you. I love you and I pray I will be able to serve u in a greater capacity, in whatever manner u call me to be <3

3 months break! Have an enjoyable holidays my frens! (:

rained @ 3:26 PM

I have been crying alot these days..

For silly reasons. I feel so fat n ugly n un-beautiful. Not only on the outside but on the inside too.. I feel so ugly, unworthy n un-loving...

Alot of ppl have told me tt I have put on weight. I know tt for myself. Women know tt for themselves n dun need ppl to keep telling n reminding them. It hurts me esp so to hear it from my own family members. I cried cos I am in sch 5 days a wk n only am home during the wkends yet instead of saying nice things, everytime my mum sees me she would criticize me so badly. She forced me to take my weight n when i refused she hit me. I flared up n appeared frustrated n she said "u so soft one meh? if u r, u wont fight so hard w me over church." my sis tried to speak up for me only to say aft tt "oh, ur BMI is over 23? Then i cannot help u alrdy. For asian women, BMI above 23 is not acceptable. 25 is standard for western women. I hate teachers who visit my clinic n argue w me cos they think they r very knowledgeable." and only to comfort me after tt "we r not scolding u, just concern abt u" but really it didnt comfort much. I went back to my room to cry, I was upset w their comments but also w myself for flaring up n being upset over such a small issue. in my heart I am burdened by the question why! Why are ppl so concerned abt my weight! I have no problem w myself! But because ppl kept saying, it bothers me so much! Just because I gained weight I have to be criticized till like tt. I began to wonder abt those women who r more massive than me. What kind of criticism n embarrassment they must have felt their entire life! Must all women be aneroxic to meet the criteria of being pretty? Must women conform to the worldly standard in order to be viewed as beautiful?

I always have self esteem issues. But after my breakup, I felt a thousand times worse abt myself. But through the process, God made me realized I don't have to feel such ways. That I am beautiful in His eyes! So precious. So beautiful, beyond my comprehension. Not by any human Std, but He looks deep inside my heart where the treasures lie.

Women really dont need ppl to keep talking abt their weight as if it's something sinful. There's nth wrong w being a bit fatter, as long as we r leading a healthy lifestyle and is happy w life, we dun need others to keep saying things abt our weight or looks to diminish our self esteem.

It decreases our morale to keep fit. N it's really everything I learn in psych. How
labeling leads to self fulfilling prophecy. But before u judge ppl as lazy, do u know the fears n obstacles inside people's heart? For me my sis illness has really caused such an unknown impact on me. I m afraid to go out to the sun too often, even w sunblock. I was so afraid when my hands went weak during 8am lect. It's nt just abt my family criticizing me tt's making me upset. I tried to think abt the kind of impact hurtful words tt parents say can have impact on their children. Maybe because I study psych, when I see such phenomenons happening, I feel even more angry cos I know the kinds of impact children can have from such continual criticisms. I know I have a blessed family compared to others I have known abt. Yet such unharmful criticism hurts me so much, I can't imagine the kind of hurt n impact frens or my future students who have dysfunctional families might go thru, w criticisms n vulgarities being hurled at them ever so frequently.

Easter came n I cried n cried during the productions. Jesus died for us, regardless of whether we r fat or skinny, pretty or ugly, smart or dumb, able or disabled. He loves us all the same! He came to restore each and everyone of us back to His glory. He died for me! To let me know how much I am loved. Tt I am not an orphan and I should stop feeling like one. Each of us are fathered by Him. Tt made me cry!

Yest during service, I cried again. Studying soci and looking at all the GE stuff past few weeks have made one so skeptical abt everything tt is going on in this world! Everything can be broken down, even my faith. Everything in this world is so
Uncertain. And how everyone is so concerned abt GE and which party to cast the vote on n how it will determine our future.. But in God's presence I found my peace and comfort. Nth in this world mattered as much as He does. And just when I was so vexed abt who to vote, Gor said sth tt spoke to my heart. I told him my worries abt PAP n how I feel there shld be more checks n balances in the govt. But at the same time i feel opposition is not gd enough yet n our country might run into deficit if they carry on w all their proposed policies.. He told me he's just doing his duty as a responsible citizen n child Of God to find out what is happening ard the world, and he feels our current govt is so focused on economic progress, many ppl esp the youths are becoming so disoriented n family values r no longer impt. He told me our vote shld be based on what our priorities r. And ultimately he told me we dun have to worry so much abt the vote. whatever happens, God is still in control. So just cast the vote n dun worry so much..

And service was abt loving one another, to release all kinds of grudges or unhappiness we have of ppl, to let go. I guess letting go is the hardest thing to do. And I often do not know if I have let go completely. Cos when things happen, the unhappiness n grude will creep in once again n overtake my heart. I find it hard to initiate the 1st step. How to love like Jesus? Only the holy spirit can help us do tt.

God is taking me on a journey of self discovery. So tt I may proclaim n believe deep down in my heart that "I am beautiful" no matter what people say of my stature or weight or size. Thank you Waijia for ur amazing blog posts from Africa! It touched me so much! U r beautiful just like all the kids in Africa, doesn't matter what some people say, cos they dun matter anyway. And all of us ought to know exactly how beautiful we r!

Aurera
"Mind you, Pretty is a completely different word. Pretty is what you use to describe a vase, or a chandelier or something at the shop which catches your passing fancy. No girl really wants to be pretty as much as she wants to know she is Beautiful. No girl wants to be a passing vase, good to look at for a while. They want to know, that deep inside, something eternal about them has permeated their skin and overflowed out of their skin to be called Beautiful and worthy to be loved."

I love zicheng for always reassuring no matter how often I say I am fat n ugly in front of him. I love my brother for he understood me the moment I said I dun need one more person to tell me tt I have put on weight. For they love me for who I am and not how I look.

Lord make me realize how beautiful I am to u. Let me know from the depths of my heart ur love for me. Let nothing anyone says make me doubt myself or my worth. Help me trust in u n not be afraid of being under the sun. Nth will happen to me cos I m under ur protection. N if it does, everything happens for a reason and it is under ur control. Let me exercise not for the wrong reasons, but to keep fit because I love my body as ur temple. Let me not be so affected by the state of this world but trust u that how our nation turn out to be is exactly the way u plan it to be. Let me depend on u and feed on ur love daily Lord, for only u can fill the orphan in my heart. Let me always remember tt I am fathered by you!

Smile to u who is reading this post, for u r loved by God n u r beautiful!

rained @ 3:14 PM