What can I say? Except that I have an extremely loving boyfriend and an understanding and supportive gor gor, whom I am so thankful for.. 2 great men in my life...

Higher conference was great. Devil cannot sow discord and take away the joy and impartation I had at the conference.. greater accountability yes. Though I din't think there was a need for that great a reaction/anger, and I dint think tt was real concern, tt there were pride and judgment involved, but I guess I cannot run away from the part tt I tried to deceive and gave the false impression. 
Fear-my greatest enemy. It's so hard to be totally honest, knowing being honest would mean giving up certain things which I really want to do, to be able to live a totally sold out life for Christ. Yet, fear is not having enough faith in my God. and not trusting Him enough tt He will deliver and make a way for things which are His will over my life..
No need for guilt xiu.. if not, the devil would have achieved his goal. just learn from it and move on. certain things tt are beyond my control, I just have to let God handle it. I guess no one could be as perfect as my Jesus, forgiving me and loving me all the time despite my million falls and sins against Him. His love and forgiveness for me is unconditional. I must learn to forgive and protect just like how Christ did for me.


Pastor Kong shared his heart and how the Holy Spirit guided and delivered him through the past one year.. Holy spirit has a presence, has power, is a person. Holy Spirit I pray you be my guide. Because I am so imperfect and I always screw up things and apart from you I can do nothing great by my own strength. Just keep walking, eventually I will get there. I prayed for salvation for the whole household, I know you have heard me, and I know whatever happens to me in my life is under your charge and control. That Lord, you are faithful, you never leave me and you are fighting the battle for me...

rained @ 9:18 PM

I really miss. I want to get back there when I can. Perhaps my calling is not in doing mission. Yet, I know I have the desire to visit the poor and the needy. To contribute whatever I can. Yet there's always fear and lots of inertia and excuses. Committing to some things would definitely means less time for other things. Serving is never an easy decision. Often, we have to sacrifice time with family, time with friends, time for ourselves.. Which leads me to my ministry, I think I want to start off with visitation. I know it's not going to be easy, but I think what I really need now is to commit. I am afraid to commit, am afraid of too many things, too many times. Yet we shouldn't let our fear stop us from doing anything. If not we are just making excuses for ourselves. I need to live a freed life, to not be afraid to give up somethings in order to pursue my dreams, to be not afraid of anybody's judgment but tt of God. To find my security in Him. God will take care of my needs, just like what pastor taught in Ezekiel.

I really shouldnt be here blogging now, when I have chapters to finish. But I need to pen down some thoughts before I start work. I feel really tired and restless, and I know it's not sleep issue. And something doesn't feel right even though there's nothing that isn't. Maybe it's the stress and uncertainty that's really getting to me. I know God will make all things will work together for the good, yet humans, or maybe just me, we cannot have enough faith to stop worrying, to have total trust. Maybe that's why God will keep testing us, keep pushing us to the limit, till we feel that we cannot handle it anymore and lose all hopes. Then will He finally show up, show His power, show how He delivers us, to make us in awe of His power and His goodness over our lives, to enlarge our faith for a greater challenge that He has in stored for us in our lives.

Lord, I really need the concentration, the strength, the endurance to last through my exams on Friday. I need you to carry me because I know I am coming to the end of my own personal strength. But Lord, with you, I will make it and you will make me soar high above the sky..

But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. -Isaiah 40:31

"Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is sacred to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength." -Nehemiah 8:10



 This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it. -Psalm 118:24

rained @ 1:06 AM

I was at bible study today, a german lady came to sit beside me cos her cell group has not decided where to sit yet and she started talking to me.
She was very friendly, shared tt she's a german, lived in mexico since young and has come singapore for 6 years alrdy cos her husband works here.
shared with me stories about her life in singapore and about her children.
what really amazed me was when she talked about faith. her grandparents were missionaries, her daughters are christians too but they believed that we earn our salvation through work instead of by grace. she's the only one in her family attending our church. her husband and son are not very rooted in their faith.
she shared with me how her cell group is made up of parents who all have children unsaved. she said she is thankful our church is a praying church, so she meets up with her cell group members weekly to pray for the church and for their children.
And she said "we are really fighting a spiritual warfare, your generation very poor thing, because you all are exposed to so much information, it's easy to get confused and miss out on the truth"

I was so touched when I heard that because of her love for her kids and her compassion towards our generation. I heard so much about parental objection and believed that it is more often than not the children in the family who have to the difficult task to win their parents over. However, I missed out that there are actually many parents out there as well who are fighting battles similar as mine, in winning their children over. And probably they would be more upset, as they brought their kids up since they were a little baby. And generation today is more individualistic and probably harder to convince us as we are a reasoning generation.

The lady brought much encouragement to me, at the end of the day. She made me realize that it is really a privilege to partake in Christ's suffering, to be the chosen ones in our family to bring about our family members salvation, to be found favour in God's sight. This is regardless of whether we are the children or the parents, because at the end of the day, there is no comparison, just a constant denominator--- we are fighting a spiritual warfare.

Everything for honours is so uncertain but I will trust that I will be given a chance, a chance. Even if I am not, I believe in God's provision for every aspect of my life, that whatever I have or will be given, will always be more than all that I ever need or ask for. That I may freely receive, freely give. Focus my eyes on not what is temporal but on what is eternal . Lord I need you to come and humble and enlarge my heart....

rained @ 1:44 AM

I really don't want to go!
It is really not my interest, going for singing lessons with my parents and their friends.
I went once and I really did not like.
But my parents they love singing, it's the thing they can go on and on about.
But how they worship singing, their lessons and the teacher, I find it meaningless. 
But my mum she has been bugging me to go since forever, and now it's holidays I cannot reject.
I really did not want to go alone. I know I will be so bored. I asked my brother to go with me, and he agreed. Really hands down to him for being able to go for lessons with them for 3 whole months. I don't know how he did it, it really requires alot of endurance.
And so we went... surprise it was at dunman high school, not the old place anymore. And I have not stepped into my sec sch after its renovation. so much memories.
Put on my mum's clothes cos she said my top was too revealing and her class is made of "Barisan people", which suppose to mean very conservative people. 
Went to walked around sch with my gor gor, played piano of the jay chou song which I take forever to harmonize with him, even though my part was so little.
Then we went to class, did warm up and repeat "hua xin" for more than 10 times. I was very distracted and bored.

But Gor surprised me, he was concentrating and practising, why so serious, I know he came because I asked him. He did not like it too. He saw me playing with my phone and sms-ing and said to me:
"Can you concentrate and be more focused?"
I stared at him.
"This is their church, and is this how you will behave in church? You have to give respect to their church, then only then can you win them over to ours."
I was shocked but it is true. This is their church, where they find fellowship and love. Where they will be excited and go on and on about. As much as I dislike it, there will be so much discomfort for them as well, if they ever are willing to come to God's church. But would I want to see them be so fidgety and disinterested when they come visiting my church? No, I wont. I would want them enjoying the sermon, to experience God's presence and to enjoy the fellowship. I saw my mum keep glancing at me, and keep telling me to go up to sing. I put my phone away and sang as the last person for the night..

"Everything it takes to win them over". I know Gor dislikes it and find their obsession towards singing meaningless as well. Yet, who are we to judge? Gor came for a greater purpose, forced himself to enjoy the lesson and take the effort to make conversations with the aunties and uncles. Laughed at their jokes and is comfortable around them. He gave the respect to their culture for this is their church. Not because he enjoys it but because he knows there is no easy way to win people over. People don't come to know Christ overnight. People only cares how much we know until they know how much we care. And isn't that precisely Jesus' Great Commandment to us? To love God and to love people. I know my parents are imperfect in many ways. Yet, in front of God, we are all the same. The love He loves us with, it is all the same. If God is interested in their lives, in their singing lessons, who am I to judge.

To give their culture the respect that they deserve. A truly humbling experience for me. And I know we made my parents really happy by going to lessons with them today. Because they allowed me to take the wheel and Gor to sit in the front seat to guide me, this is not easy for them, knowing how anxious my dad is everytime I drive and giving instructions non stop throughout the drive, which caused me to be so inconfident to drive alone. Thank you erjie, thank you Gor, thank you zc, thank you emm, for they always encourage me to drive and helped me overcome my fear of driving alone..

Lord, I know how inconfident I am with myself on so many occasions, let me depend more on you! Because I was safe that night when I drove alone in the rain because you were with me, even though my heart was scared to death. And I know I will be safe in my churchgoing and my studies as well. Trusting in you Lord.

rained @ 2:50 AM

Going somewhere

The future is scary, but I suppose, we can't keep running back to the past just because it's familiar. It's tempting for sure, and it certainly seems like a good deal to return to where it's comfortable and beautiful and secure...

... But it's a mistake.

It's missing the mark.

It's letting go of a Hand that helped you walk on water so you could swim frantically back to shore, back to a place at the start which feels safe and secure and protected.

It's falling short of one's destiny.
_____________________________

Thank You Waijia.. You really have the amazing talent to put our worries and fears into perspective, into words.

How many times have I wanted to run back to the past, to stay stagnant, because the future is scary. Because things might be bad in the past, but at least it is certain. But the future is unpredictable, it's a dark pathway and I do not know what lies ahead.

Be in the present. Do not let go of the Potter's hand, that hand that led me, that is leading me through.. That always encourages me. What lies ahead God? I don't know. What is your plan for me? Am I doing too much for my own sake? What if all this is never your will for me. Maybe I should just forget about it and submit to fate. The easier way seems to be what you meant for me.. Is it God?

What fate my dear? There's no such a thing as fate. There's only my destiny for you. As heavens are higher than the earth, so are my plans higher than your plans, and my ways than your ways, says the Lord. Just keep walking, it's okay to make a few mistakes along the way. It is meant to be this way because my destiny for you is a secret. I stirred in your heart, to go on the harder way, though sometimes a thought comes and discourage you, telling you that your choice is a foolish one, that you are heading towards nothing but yet another disappointment. But you never know till you have tried my dear. And fret not, because no matter how badly you screw up, or you feel you do, my destiny will always prevail over your ways. And it's not so much the destination, but the journey that is important. I am not so concerned about your grades and where you will end up to be, because I already have that all planned out. I am more concerned about your character. As long as you feel that you have done your best with no regrets, the path will just get ever brighter, things will just get ever clearer. And all these now, they will become your past, in preparation for a greater future I have for you..

Yes Lord, you are in control. Not any men, power or principalities, but You Lord, You are in control. You are in control of my life, of my decision, of whatever that was gone and that is to come. Nothing by chance. All is in your control and part of your grand plan. I just want to submit and surrender all into your hands. No guessing, no doubting, just keep holding to your hands and keep walking! I don't ever want to let go, cos wherever it may be, without your hand, tt would be the scariest place I could ever be, no matter how lovely the place may seem.. Yes, something leap in me! I know with a heart so sure, the safest place to be is where you are with me.

rained @ 12:52 AM