Such a nice song! i think I hear it many times just keep playing it! Haha! What a brave girl, Selina! (: Happy that she's finally getting married and that her fiancee stood by her! Gonna miss S.H.E, all their songs which accompany me through my sec sch days and that I always sing at kbox! (: w my JEY meis and butties! reminiscence!!
Hm, just wanna talk about my prev week.
Mon, was positive psych presentation, it was scary to see the classmates set the benchmark so high! make me feel that our presentation was very mediocre. But I dint wanna think about it, just as long as we did our best right! love you girls.
Tue I got back my early lang paper, I dint do very well. 25 percentile, at least not last in class, zicheng encouraged me. But it still felt horrible. I constantly worry if I am going to make it through. Entering into honours is a huge step of faith for me, I knew it was going to be difficult. I asked God for it, cos I know I was not ready for NIE, it's not my time yet. I am not prepared, I still want to learn more in psych in NUS. I want higher starting salary so that I can have a better life w zc next time, provide more for my parents and more imptly, to give more to help in advancing God's kingdom. And God blessed me with my honours, and revealing to me why I got A+ and not A even though both are of the same Cap score. The cross in A+ is the reason why, Jesus will be with me in my honours year, and 2 of it, it's not chance, it's His confirmation. tears and gratitude streamed down my eyes, God is so good to me. I used to be dependent on zc to edit my essay, cos I always feel inadequate with what I've written, but not this sem. Cos I realized I cannot keep depending on him, plus his honours mods are heavy too. I know this time it's my own battle and obstacle to overcome, to learn to trust what I have written and to trust God fully. So even though my heart is filled with fears and inadequacies many times this sem, I am still doing my best and trusting Him. I try not to compare with my classmates, I walk away from where I know I will feel inadequate, from where I know it's no used comparing. I know I have to walk my own walk at my own pace, not look left or right, just right in front at God. That my priorities are different from my friends, that I have God, church, cell, family, zicheng, friends, my visitation kids who are more impt than my studies. Trust Him that what He gives me He will also provide for me, abundantly.
Wed was deepavali, after lunch and grocery with zc, I went home to Wendy my cousin visiting our place. So sweet of her to drop by and made a card for my mum, sincere heartfelt blessings. We went over to visit her place. It was a small HDB but lovely one. I really admire her even though relatives may sometimes say she blur blur tu tu one, but even though her parents are rich, she's never those who's proud about it. Instead, she lives a simple life and is even okay not having wedding ceremony/dinner, but her parents insisted and she conducted it 1-2 years after her solemnization. So her place was small but cosy. A family both of them built tgt. Near her husband's parents place, near ah po's place (her dearest grandmother who passed away last year).
Thurs, WASI presentation, visitation to my lovely kids :D, chiong my essay, dear who surprised me w supper and encouraged me! (: 3h of sleep...
Friday was a chiong day of submissions & lessons! but just want to THANK GOD He saw me through. How would I have made it without Him, all cos of my procrastination but His grace saw me through. I managed to rehearse the presentation with my grp mate till 1.30, complete my essay by 4. Thanks to Laura for meeting me at central lib to help me submit my paper, chiong into class 10 min late but just in time for my presentation. after lesson, managed to reach raffles city before nich arrived, happy bday Nich! (: u r like my lil bro, since our tuition days when I was in JC. thank you for always pressing into my life, even though I know how difficult it might be. When I was not in church and you would always ask me to join and I would always reject, till I felt irritated. But looking back, I am thankful that because of u, I was still connected to church in some ways (: U need lotsa quality time but I am always so busy and not making time for u, I know how horrible a friend/sister I can be at times. i will try to spend more time w u. Love you! and finally saw sze!!
Sat, went for Circuit training. I gonna miss the girls I work out with. I like them, maybe cos they make me feel young and alive. Their enthusiasm with their sports, their sisterly bond with each other. Their smiles and laughters over little jokes. Talking to Tricia about God and all. I guess I just really like the feeling of meeting and talking to new people, hearing their stories and knowing them. Haha it feels like there's 2 sides of me. sometimes I feel like I am a wanderer, throw me at any random place and I can fit in perfectly well, make new friends experience new things, no awkwardness. In fact I enjoy it. A stranger and a friend, not a close one, a loose friend. But I am fine with it, cos I am a wanderer. That is my OGL side, my camp, my hall side. But there's another side of me that needs to be grounded. I need God, I need my family, I need a guy who loves me and understands me, I need a group of close friends with me wherever I may be, I hate clubbing, I can be totally disconnected from hall activities because I know it's of no priorities to me in my life.
I guess the 2nd me is the me I choose to be, even though the 1st me has so much appeal and draw. I know I will happier being the 2nd, because the novelty and fun of being in the 1st will pass away. But the 2nd keeps me grounded to reality, to my purpose on Earth, to serve, to have strong valuable relationship, not frivolous ones. But I guess that part of me that enjoys meeting new people and talking to them will always be there, I see it as something good acty, it was what drew me into teaching. I know Gor used to question me, so what's my definition of friend? My deifnition of friend sounds so cheap. Who are my best friends? It's a hard question for me to answer, cos I will have so many answers!! For me, I guess, I just make different groups of close friends in diff phase of my life. Some grows closer, some drifts, others seldom meet yet I know they're there. Sometimes I am envious of people who have a close core group of friends which stuck with them from sec sch all the way, yet I rmb to count my blessings. For I may not have a close group of clique, but I do know I still have many good friends I can count on, and I have a loving boyfriend who will always be and promises to be my bestest friend forever (:
And after circuit, met keng to buy nich's present. Thanks for rushing down from sch dear, blur me for always assuming. And then rushed for dinner with the rest! just in time not late for service. and church! (: There's not one session in church that I would not tear, feels like a cry baby sometimes. But it's always when I rmb of good God is to me, of how He brought me back to church by giving me my breakthrough with mum, by comparing times back then in JC and now. How fearful I was that I would literally tremble, feel weak at my knee and heart popping out everytime I had to confront church with mum till now, being able to enjoy the freedom of going to church in her acknowledgement. Without having to receive 80+ miss calls, of constant fear of being beaten and threats, of guilt of lying and covering up. I know I know God allowed me to go through everything to strengthen my faith. If He has let things been so easy for me, I would have easily stumble on my faith and not hold on to it so dear. But it was through trials and tribulations that I learnt how precious my faith is and I would never give it up. I know everything will work together for the good. I know you will see my family through. I know the breakthrough will come. Who are you that you should lie? You are God and there's no need to, your promises will come to pass. When one in the household is saved, all will be saved.
Arise and build. Another great season for our church. Lord, speak to me on the amount you want me to pledge Lord, and give me the finances and means to fulfil it. Pastor is returning to the basics. Loving God, loving people (: Yest, was one of the few rare times I get to hug my cell members and I really like it. Somehow, I always am not ard when there's a chance to go round to hug my cell, I seem to be with zc's cell many times. but of cos I love his cell group too, they're really nice to me, like my another cellgrp, praying for me, inviting me to their events and always asking me how I am whenever they see me. Went home after service after celebrating nich's bday. Hm, although sometimes it feels like I miss out on alot of CG bonding, esp when they always watch late night movies. I know as much as mummy trusts me more now, I still should not abuse it and should still try to get home early. I am thankful that cell understands and would still make effort to bond w me, despite my low attendance in CG events.
Today, critique! Hm, it's really like I have a lack of points! but hope it'll turn out well! And I can finally steal some time to rest and blog. Tmr onwards, We need to talk about Kevin!! 2 weeks to read a book and 3000 word essay, plus start revising for exam which is in 3 weeks. Had dinner at kenny rogers with family, early celebration of my bday cos Mummy chemo starting thurs. 4 cycles of 21 days. I have no idea how it'll be for my family, I pray we will emerge stronger through it all. Even though dinner has relatively fewer people, er jie and qian jun not there, somehow feels incomplete. But yes, Tan family will stay together through it all!
Lotsa deadlines, stress from sch work, from life, for everybody.. 大家加油!! Soon exams will be over! Looking forward to Taiwan trip, though feel bad leaving mum behind. and that wont be ard w dear. But I guess it's time for me to go on my retreat and self reflection trip. Dint have time for long trip cos of my special sems, not tt I dint enjoy the 4 malaysia trips I had! (: but last time I had my reflection trip was in back in Cambodia COSI a year and a half back. soon it'll be candlelight and Christmas and end of 2011! how time flies. When it comes, I will do another entry to reflect and give thanks for this amazing year God has seen me through. For now, let us finish the race well! (: Amen!!
rained @ 3:26 AM
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Honours is indeed competitive and hectic. Sometimes it really scares me to see how competitive and discipline my classmates are. Got back my midterms and feeling lousy, but I refuse to think that it's because I am stupid/lousier than my classmate. But holding on to the promise of God from my 2 A pluses. Lord, you will see me through. I will be the head and not the tail, above and not beneath. I will do better than Bs, and I will graduate next year with my Honours, You are shaping my character through it all, I will learn how to be more discipline, set my priorities and focus less about things that do not matter, I will work harder, I will pray harder, I will depend on you more, I will. And Lord, I know you will fight for me too, you will. Amen.
rained @ 7:41 PM
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Love this song (:
Thank you Hongwei for sharing! Gor and I shazam and the results are like "新的一年新的开始“， ”会跳舞的狼“! like hilarious. Gor ended up letting me listen to some chinese new year song by this weird guy.
Anw the song was from a sweet proposal from a guy to his girlfriend. Feel especially touched, maybe cos the woman is a teacher. Marriage is something that is further more years down the road, yet it seems so near and more real to me now, compared to in the past.
When we were young, we have all this crazy funny ideas about love, we could eye candy and have a crush on someone for years, face blush & heart pump super fast, be totally unnatural and awkward when we see our crush and do the bravest and craziest thing, only to get ourselves hurt after that. BGR up to the age of 16 was a big NONO yet we always envy people who have boyfriends, secretly wishing we have one too. Hoping we receive nice things from crushes on vdays and exchanging love troubles with girlfriends (I have a huge box of postcards of them with my girls in sec 3 haha!)
As we grow older, we become less brave, we are afraid of getting hurt. We mask our feelings and keep it inside us. Looking for someone who we love to love us back, but it was hard to find. Often, the person we love dont love us back, and people who love us, we dont love them back. Yet at the same time, we envy those couples around in school and hope we will find our own soon.
Finally when we find our 1st love, think he's the one and pour our heart into it, but end up being disappointed and hurt because the love was unequal and one party do not feel loved and treasured enough. Letting go was the hardest thing, facebook was the closest way to know of the person's wellbeing. Why couldnt 2 be together to work things out if love was still present? Perhaps, there just isnt enough love.
As we grow older, love changes its meaning.. Although the feeling of face blush, heart beat is exciting and novel. I've learnt that it is a bad indicator of love. I began to focus less on feeling and more on finding my loved one based on character. Yet, it still doesnt lead us to finding our love, cos often the person we are attracted to may not take a liking on us. But focusing on character is not a bad start, cos character is a good measure of how the person really is. I have come to realize what was missing in finding our partner, besides just attraction and evaluation, was luck. It cannot be based purely on our own effort, but many a times, there needs to be element of luck (for me I believe it to be God's will/help). I listed down the guy I was looking for... one who loves God, one who would love me, one who love my frens and my family etc. I learnt to be more open to God's help and do less of the "trying to make the guy we like to be the guy we want him to be", cos girls we are expert at doing that. But instead learn to judge a guy's character in an objective, non bias way.
Pastor shared today, love is a choice, it's a decision, not just a feeling. I have learnt this in my relationship with zicheng. We did not start out well, we took very long before we got tgt mainly because I was unsure. Yet he was always there. For me, to accept him was a decision, a decision to accept his love for me. But because I accepted his love, I have grown to love him more and more each day (:
It is like our love relationship with Jesus, it is about accepting His love. Attraction and arousal is simply the initial phase in bringing 2 together, this is the easy part and some people may be stuck at this phase and not be willing to commit in a rs as they find a loss in novelty with the same partner after a while. I do have friends struggling with that, but truth of the matter is there is little value in short term rs and great value and happiness in committing to a single long term relationship. The harder part is staying together even when the feelings are gone, commitment. But even without feeling, the very act of choosing to stay, it is love! In fact it is a greater love! yet many give up when the feeling is gone, thinking that there's no more love left, not knowing that love was gone not when there was no more feeling but when they choose to leave.
Zicheng is like my mirror, bringing out the best as well as the ugliest in me. We have good and happy days, but cranky and bad days as well. But because he was patient with me and because we are committed in this rs, we know we could overcome all arguments/disagreements tgt. Our love is a moulding process for the both of us, a time of growing together. Zicheng liken our relationship to be cooking a pot of porridge, it must be cooked slowly in order to bring out its flavour, it cannot be rushed. It is not adrenalin pumping but bittersweet.
Hence, what I believe about love today has changed and is very different from my initial concept. Love is not a feeling, love don't happen at first sight, love is something that grows with time and trial. My advice to any woman is find the guy who truly treasures and love you just the way you are, who treats you genuinely well and pursue ur heart with all that he has. One who loves you in ur best as well as in ur worst. You may not feel adrenalin pumped with him, but you know you are safe and secured. You know you have found a best friend. And when such a guy appears in your life, treasure him and don't ever let him go. I have found mine and will not let him go! I hope you find yours too (:
Another impt lesson I have learnt about love as I grow up is that it is not just reserved for that special one. But I have experienced the love of God from where love came from and where the greatest love is found. I have learnt about loving people, about loving our neighbours as ourselves. I have learnt to love my family.
LOVE. It's a difficult concept to grasp. a lesson we will take a lifetime to learn. A skill we will take forever to perfect.
Love is a decision. Love is an action. Love is a habit.
Will you choose to stay when your marriage is at its bedrock, work on it and resist temptation from the pursuit of a guy in office? That is love.
Will you choose to clean up the feces of your ailing mother and visit her daily, even when you don't feel like it, because you have plenty of work to complete? That is love.
Will you alight from a bus to help a stranger you saw who needs help? That is love.
Will you be willing to die in order to save an enemy who had just killed your entire family, when you have every single right to let the enemy die for what he has done?
Well Jesus did it for us at the cross, his innocent blood saved us from all our heinous sins. So having received such grace from Him, how can we not do what He has commanded us to do. To Love.
Just random thoughts, from service and video. May I learn to be a better lover each day. Amen.
