Sometimes we forget how love looks like, sometimes we even wonder whether we have love in our lives. But if we just be still, close our eyes and just listen, we can hear love. And if we just throw away our judgment, be thankful for the simple people and things we came across for our day, we will see love.
Love, never fails.
It's my 4th week in TNS. Though not all is rosy, I am thankful. Thankful that the little rascals who make me raise my voice and frustrated, are also the ones who would warm my heart with their innocent smiles and touched my soul with their shy waves and enthusiastic "Hi Miss Tan!" I am thankful to have Vanessa and Shang Yi here with me, and such a nice mentor Mdm June Tan, who's so understanding and motherly. I am thankful that Vanessa would remind me the simple joy in teaching, whenever she shares me with her stories from classes and how the kids have blessed her heart.
I am learning so much each day, I am thankful that the Lord sees me through. But I think I need to count my blessings more, cos sometimes discontentment seeps in and I will question myself why am I not able to do more with my life? How can I improve my relationship with zicheng and my family? How can I be able to build a stronger relationship with cell and be more effective in my ministry. Why don't I have more time to meet many of my friends whom I miss.. Why is there such a huge inertia to start on my volunteering at Assisi, even though it's been weeks since the volunteers' briefing..Why am I not finding time to exercise and maintain a healthy body. Where can I find greater joy in my life.
Sometimes I just feel that I am not adequate enough, not excellent in anything, just good in some things. Sometimes I feel I can be more true to myself and to others. Perhaps, I began to see how weak and imperfect I actually am, how lonely and broken I actually am, and how much I need the Lord in my life.I think I have been leading a life quite independent from the Lord, and I need to run back to Him, not just on weekends, but every single day, every single moment. I need the Lord to fill the part of me that is incomplete without Him. I need to be close to the Lord so that I can be clearer of His will for me, and be able to make impt decisions concerning my life that is in accordance to His will for me.
The Lord will replace my heart of stone to a heart of flesh, to be able to be compassionate and true to my heart's desire. To cry like little Edric did when he cant do his drawing. No pretence, true to his feelings, unafraid to express what he wants. Sometimes we give in, we forget what we want, we fit in, we become what is required of us, we choose the easy way. But life shouldnt be like that, it's okay to be wrong, it's okay to be afraid, it's okay to fall, but we shouldnt stop trying. If we are afraid to risk anything, then we will never live. If we want to live a meaningful life, then it's worth breaking the boundaries, it's worth risking all we have, just to live. Life shouldnt be mediocre, life shouldnt be mundane and boring, life needs to be messy, life needs to be challenging, life needs to be happy. Step out of my comfort zone, that's what I need to do. Do a new routine, start a new thing, be in the action, and sometimes step back and not forget my foundation. God and family.
I dont know the purpose of this post, I just am feeling a little empty and pray that things will get better. Perhaps it's Jean going to head back to Philippines, or questioning the idea of true friendships, or daddy not feeling too well, or worries over the church and the leadership, or perhaps adapting to a new lifestyle with zicheng of not being able to meet often and having to work out the difference in timings, or uncertainty of starting NIE, or the breakthroughs I look forward to weighing upon my heart. Just feeling a little tired mentally. Perhaps this post makes no sense, but blogging is therapeutic for me, to consolidate my thoughts from time to time. And that is why I would continue to keep this blog going. Perhaps why I refuse to have a twitter account is also because I dont see a need to account about what I am doing ever so often. At the end of the day, who cares about what you are doing right? Except for God, yourself and the people in ur lives who truly matter. And if they matter enough, they would know through personal means, instead of social media right? At least that's what I think.
Okay, enough for now. signing off, byeeee!!
rained @ 2:00 AM
Monday, July 02, 2012
We are hard pressed on every side but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken, struck down, but not destroyed.
We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.
Broken heart, broken life, I surrender all. I want to know more about you oh God, to learn more of your divine nature and who you are...
Letting go, letting God. Clinging to the cross, I follow you..
