Tired tired, so tired..
Physically, but more emotionally and mentally..
I m plodding on. No longer running or walking. Just dragging myself, trying to complete one deadline after another.
It's so difficult.. I dont know how many times I have broken down. Learning how to deal with things by myself and being more understanding that Zicheng and I simply don't have enough time for each other. Having to deal with the sadness of having to reject friends or simply them asking me "when am I going to meet them?"
I felt especially discouraged by the first observation by my sup, where I didn't perform well.. Below expectation..
Could I really be the head and not the tail? Why do I feel like the tail and not the head?
How to explain so my students can understand? Why is it they don't get it? I have explained it so many times! Doubts abt my own capability. Why do they keep talking in class. Calling their names again and again to get their attention. I feel so frustrated! How can I make my lessons more engaging? How to improve my classroom management?? Why don't I have 39 copies again! Who didn't hand in, even though I kept reminding all to hand in to me! I have to check through the class lists again and again for all the worksheets.. Corrections wrong again! Recorrections still wrong! Didn't I explain that explicitly in class? What were they doing? Why weren't they listening? I m behind the scheme of work! I need to hurry up, but students can't get it! If I proceed on I will have more misconceptions! I scolded my student I know she's affected. I hope she don't dislike me for it :( I hope I don't lose that rapport. I hope she knows that I still care. It's 2am and I am still not done w my lesson plans, and I need to be up at 6am in a few hours time. I feel my voice is going to be gone again.. Lord please please please protect my health and my voice. Multiply my rest. Give my ideas on this lesson plan. I dont wanna fall sick again. I need to be well to teach.. I pray for favour..
Day in day out, it's a battle of the mind. And it's draining. It's tiring.. I just want to stay at home and not go anywhere and just do my lsp. But when I m home alone, I hope I could be out there, and not being stuck at home having to do my lesson plans.
Is this how the real thing is going to be like? They say full time teachers have greater workload. Will I be surviving on 3-4h of sleep everyday? If it is, I don't know how long i can last.. Or will I be compromising my standards because I have no time? My students deserve the best..
Oh God, I m crying out.. Help me! I don't think I can handle this. I want to throw in the towel and quit. But i know if i do that, i will do the same for every other job. It's my attitude i need to change. But it's so difficult Lord. U called me into teaching. I m holding on because u said so.
I m at my mid way mark.. Lord you are the God who turn things around. You are.. I want to be like Esther. I want to rise up for a time such as this. To be a woman of such great wisdom and courage. I feel so so so so inadequate. How much do I love you? It's so difficult to let go and obey.. But I know obedience is the representation of my love towards u. God cannot force us to love Him beyond how much we are willing to do so.
Lord am I truly shining for u in the marketplace? I feel like I am not. I don't feel capable or good or anything near that. Yet u say, when we are weak then you Are strong.. So shine through me Father.
I m holding on, I still am. Please father see me through these last 5 weeks. I pray for things to be better after this.. I pray my character be moulded. I pray my attitude be changed. I pray for Zicheng and my relationship to be strengthened father, so that as a couple we can be closer to u than ever before.. Amen.
