this is xiu da chio's blog :D

2011-12-19T03:49:00.000+08:00

Candlelight service was amazing..
So was zc'c cell thanksgiving.. esp the night activity.
I am really so thankful that zc's cell is always so welcoming of me and they always make me feel at home.
The night activity, we did a booklet out of an A4 paper and drew pictures of diff events at diff stages of our lives that define us and went round to share..
I was so blessed by the session. So many of them went through difficult things at such young age-abuse, death, violence etc. In contrast, my environment has been so sheltered since young. My difficulties seem to fade in contrast to theirs, many of them have been through things much worse than mine. I was deeply encouraged by their courage and faith.
I saw how diverse God created us to be, our character, our personality, our life circumstances. I was amazed to learn of how different we all are. Yet a unifying theme in our sharing was how God reached into our lives, how our lives changed for the better when we accepted Christ and how our past shape us into who we are today. No doubt following Christ is not a bed of roses, but we all are in a better position than we used to be.
It was such a meaningful session, to know one another, to minister to one another. It was far more meaningful than bonding through games or random talks. It was through trust in one another and acceptance and forgiveness of our past through Christ that we may be able to share our lives with a group of people. It was such a close and deep fellowship, I was truly blessed by it :)
Such opportunity is rare and I do treasure it. I hope I will be able to have the opportunity to do this with my cell someday. I feel there's so much more I want to know of each of them. But sometimes it's hard to break the ice, and such activity allows the opportunity to do so. Looking forward to such an opportunity someday :)

Random sharing that I rmb deeply..

1) Do not lose hope when you feel you are alone. For as long as there is a flicker light, it has the ability to light up the whole world, like what we witness in candlelight service.

In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven. - Matt 5:16

2) How our life circumstances make us even more sensitive to the word of God. I could not remember the messages that Pastor preached sometime back, but people were able to share the messages because those were the words that spoke to them/of their situation, hence they can remember them. Like how we can be alone and not lonely, but how we can be lonely even when we are in a crowd, because loneliness in an interior attitude while being alone is not.

3) How blessed I truly am to have a complete family and how God has indeed poured so much blessings into my life

4) How God could through our persistence in going to church even when we feel like giving up, to speak to the people we want to reach out to..

May I always remember this special moment :)
Goodnight!

2011-12-06T02:39:00.004+08:00

It's time for me to go Taiwan. But I can't bear to leave, things I have in Singapore even though it's just a short 8days. Dear.. It may be one of our worst quarrels yest. Fear of losing grips me like anything. What if I lose it again, my spoilt self that's always demanding. But God is good, His promises I hang on to. And today our relationship felt stronger because we overcame. I would not watch the movie with anybody else. 那些年我们一起追的女孩。it taught me sth, and it taught u sth too. Our past haunts us time and again. But we are each other's lost love that we found back, and it's not going to be the same as before. Let's have greater faith in God and in each other. Thank you for giving ur best to me, and always wanting to be even better for me. Love is not measured by the amount of gifts or luxury, but every effort and simple things, that you did for me, especially in your lack these things become all the more precious and true to me. Better a meal of vegetables where there is love than a fattened calf with hatred. Prov 15:17

And my mummy.. The past few months have been trying for her. My heart breaks for her. I know whatever the Lord allows her to go through is good for her, I just pray that it would not be so painful, that she will be able to overcome. That in her brokenness she may find you Lord..Enlarge my capacity too, to be more focus and seek you even more. To have the courage to fulfil the plans you have for me right here in this place. To mould and change my character, to be more mature and more like you.

Going to Taiwan. I love the feeling of being overseas. But I have learnt over the years too, Lord taught me.. That it's not that impt after all. The novelty people seek in overseas trip,SEP.. Cos there are alrdy many beautiful things around us, that we take for granted when always seek out the "greener pasture". Being able to go overseas is a privilege and a blessing that the Lord gives, but even without it life doesn't become any worse. Simplicity is beautiful. Contentment is the way to happiness. So, while I may feel I can't put down things here in SG, I m also thankful for this opportunity to take a breather and be at Taiwan. First time I dun feel overwhelmed with excitement about overseas trip, just a feeling of calm and gratefulness. I trust the Lord to take care of my mummy for me, and I know I can count on er jie and dear too. while we are in Taiwan. Thank you Jesus I trust in you, grant us journey mercy and teach me sth thru this trip again, which I can share w dear when I get back. Amen.

2011-12-04T22:23:00.001+08:00

I am a controller, a silent controller. I have expectations for people, especially for people I care about. And when expectations are not met, I feel disappointed, very disappointed. Up to the degree of self righteousness. I could act like i dont care, psycho myself to believe i dont care, say i dont care, just to mask my disappointments. And those feelings would affect my rs with these people. But, in the first place, why these expectations? Because i am selfish and always look within myself, want to glorify myself instead of putting God first. If God is first, I would not act according to impulse, I would not have outbursts at people, would not have so much unhappiness within me, wouldn't I? I am a silent controller, I need to learn to stop controlling people within myself. To let go!!! To learn to be expectation-free. To see things from people's perspective. To not assume the worst but the best in people. To love people genuinely, without expecting anything in return. Because it's so hypocritical to act and not feel the same. How to be genuine, for my actions, speech and feelings to be in sync. I realize it's a huge thing I struggle with... Jesus please teach me how to be genuine, to put on the belt of righteousness..

2011-12-04T00:52:00.001+08:00

I have learnt so much through all these trials and tribulations. And I still rmb John's bevere msg on relentless.. Abt stop seeing trials as sufferings but joy to partake in His kingdom's purpose. Dynamics in my family is changing. We are communicating more. We have to change when situation throws us in such disarray that we have to act. Which otherwise we may be too complacent or fearful to act when things are peaceful. But the fear of losing, the faith of promises of God that will come to pass, the hope of love for my family and I.. These keep me going on.. To keep my hope alive and not be weary.. We must persevere and we must persevere long enough.. Shiming says to me.

Through all the tears, I found Jesus to be my most stable rock. Through my anxiety, I know how Jesus is the only one who could offer me peace. Through desolation, I saw who are the people who truly care. I learnt how loving someone is not just about the lip service which in our time and technology is so prone of doing, because of Facebook and smses. Social media have stolen away from us the personal touch which a phone call, a card, a meet up could do. Through this period, the friends who truly touch me are those who went out of the way, who not just talk the talk, but walk the walk. Who not just did what they said but went way beyond what was expected.

I saw the love my mum receives from her frens, frens who have been together for decades and still meetup biweekly. And that truly makes me envious of their generation. Love is about being physically and emotionally present, about doing practical things, about acts of service. It's not an act of obligation. For friends who truly went out of the way, to press into my life and love me despite my absence, even when i least deserve to. Thank you. For being understanding when I have to cancel on our meetups time and again because of things that crop up. thank you. I thank God for the love I receive during this period. I cry very much lately, many times not cos of the difficulty of the trials God is putting me through. I have hope. I cry because I moved by the love and grace of God and all the love He has given to me thru the people around me, in the midst of my trial. I cry in heartache of my mummy, in prayers of how I can be a better daughter and lover for her.

God can use me, God sure can. I know that I know that I know, at the end point, I will see my family with me, worshipping and serving God together, basking in His love for us, for eternity.

I love you mummy, my strong and beautiful mummy.

2011-12-02T00:35:00.001+08:00

Love hate relationship with hospital.
Mummy heart rate please come down. I m so worried. Please pray for her.... :(

2011-11-28T01:35:00.001+08:00

Why does this examination battle feels soooooooooooooo extremely long!!
HANG............IN............ THERE.......... TAN......... YING............. XIU!!!!!!!!!!!
This platform serves as a good way for me to destress..

This song on repeat mode on youtube as I study the past few days. Cos the song is so super nice! But I can't seem to rmb the lyrics and catch the tune fully even though I listen to it countless time. And cos I could not stand waiting after the exams and finished reading the story on my phone (there's free app to download the story!) during my rest times. And cos I can't wait for dear's exams to finish to catch the movie together!!!

I would think that my own love story is also quite a memorable one. I guess those memories when we were still young is always bittersweet.. 1st taste at heartbreak and liking somebody.. as the author said 不圆满但很踏实的句点。But it's all the past memories and the journey of searching that makes me treasure my current relationship with zicheng even more. That is why I choose to watch this movie with him even though my fren said it's better to not watch with boyfren so we can reminisce the past. While the story focuses on their high sch relationship, it was the ending of seeing the girl married to the man whom she'll love and spend the rest of her life with that's the most impt. Because it completes the past, and we shld always move forward in search of our happiness and not live in the past. And those people we had memories with will always stay as good frens, as we cheer each other on towards our own happiness. I like the story cos it makes me feel that perhaps all the grudges that might still residue in my heart are truly gone this time round. Even if there might be change in the friendships or as we become frens who may no longer contact. They'll all become memories of my life and I know all these lost rs will reconcile in the eye of eternity. And I look back now and no longer feel unfair or sad, but just an indescribable feeling of memories and well wishes? That everything that happened is just all part of my own beautiful love story with the man of my life :)

Alright, enough of my thoughts. time to head back to the book! 3 more days, I Can Do This! (:

2011-11-25T23:37:00.003+08:00

Whatever psychological disorders I learn, it's important to not diagnose for the sake of labeling and always remember to understand the context of the child. Each child is unique.

2011-11-24T22:21:00.005+08:00

The way to a friend's house is never long.

Thank you Sen Gareth! :) Came to my place just to pass me this.
Filled with warmth and encouragement for my exams :) especially the fact that you stay in choa chu kang!!
Jia you studying for exams too!! Let's ace the exams, for God!!

It's just 5 more days but motivation at an all time low! Come on Tan Yíñg Xiu! U can surely do this with the strength of God! Dear is right that it is the last 500m of my marathon.. But I m choosing to walk and slow down!! Cannot!! Time to run and end the race well.. Come on!!!

Can't wait for my exams to end and i think tt is a huge factor for my inertia! Just keep thinking abt my after exams plan! Move out of hall, apple of my eye, meet up w a few frens, spend the little time I have w dear and mummy before flying to Taiwan!! Finish up my Inflection before candlelight, and then Christmas and end of 2011! Year is coming to an end sooner than I imagine.

It has been a good year, though there's huge ups and huge downs. In half a year's time, I be in NIE, drawing a salary, very much like working. And there's burden in growing up.Managing my finances, saving up for my future, looking at marriage, my turn to take care of mummy and daddy. All is very new and somewhat intimidating. I still feel like a small girl sometimes, going to OG to buy my undergarments w mummy and having them pay for my meals and take care of all my needs.. But very soon I am going to enter a new season in my life, learning to be somebody else's wife, to be supporting my ailing parents. and I better be ready, like the ants who are always storing up.. before I m thrown off guard when all these happen.

I can think abt all this during my time alone in taiwan. For now, back to the books! Please bring me thru God. Cos I feel inconfident yet filled w lethargy. Give me strength to end off well!! It's just 5 more days!!! Be back soon to update, till then Jia you every soul who are struggling w exams! :) we can conquer it! :)

2011-10-31T03:26:00.001+08:00

Such a nice song! i think I hear it many times just keep playing it! Haha! What a brave girl, Selina! (: Happy that she's finally getting married and that her fiancee stood by her! Gonna miss S.H.E, all their songs which accompany me through my sec sch days and that I always sing at kbox! (: w my JEY meis and butties! reminiscence!!

Hm, just wanna talk about my prev week.

Mon, was positive psych presentation, it was scary to see the classmates set the benchmark so high! make me feel that our presentation was very mediocre. But I dint wanna think about it, just as long as we did our best right! love you girls.

Tue I got back my early lang paper, I dint do very well. 25 percentile, at least not last in class, zicheng encouraged me. But it still felt horrible. I constantly worry if I am going to make it through. Entering into honours is a huge step of faith for me, I knew it was going to be difficult. I asked God for it, cos I know I was not ready for NIE, it's not my time yet. I am not prepared, I still want to learn more in psych in NUS. I want higher starting salary so that I can have a better life w zc next time, provide more for my parents and more imptly, to give more to help in advancing God's kingdom. And God blessed me with my honours, and revealing to me why I got A+ and not A even though both are of the same Cap score. The cross in A+ is the reason why, Jesus will be with me in my honours year, and 2 of it, it's not chance, it's His confirmation. tears and gratitude streamed down my eyes, God is so good to me. I used to be dependent on zc to edit my essay, cos I always feel inadequate with what I've written, but not this sem. Cos I realized I cannot keep depending on him, plus his honours mods are heavy too. I know this time it's my own battle and obstacle to overcome, to learn to trust what I have written and to trust God fully. So even though my heart is filled with fears and inadequacies many times this sem, I am still doing my best and trusting Him. I try not to compare with my classmates, I walk away from where I know I will feel inadequate, from where I know it's no used comparing. I know I have to walk my own walk at my own pace, not look left or right, just right in front at God. That my priorities are different from my friends, that I have God, church, cell, family, zicheng, friends, my visitation kids who are more impt than my studies. Trust Him that what He gives me He will also provide for me, abundantly.

Wed was deepavali, after lunch and grocery with zc, I went home to Wendy my cousin visiting our place. So sweet of her to drop by and made a card for my mum, sincere heartfelt blessings. We went over to visit her place. It was a small HDB but lovely one. I really admire her even though relatives may sometimes say she blur blur tu tu one, but even though her parents are rich, she's never those who's proud about it. Instead, she lives a simple life and is even okay not having wedding ceremony/dinner, but her parents insisted and she conducted it 1-2 years after her solemnization. So her place was small but cosy. A family both of them built tgt. Near her husband's parents place, near ah po's place (her dearest grandmother who passed away last year).

Thurs, WASI presentation, visitation to my lovely kids :D, chiong my essay, dear who surprised me w supper and encouraged me! (: 3h of sleep...

Friday was a chiong day of submissions & lessons! but just want to THANK GOD He saw me through. How would I have made it without Him, all cos of my procrastination but His grace saw me through. I managed to rehearse the presentation with my grp mate till 1.30, complete my essay by 4. Thanks to Laura for meeting me at central lib to help me submit my paper, chiong into class 10 min late but just in time for my presentation. after lesson, managed to reach raffles city before nich arrived, happy bday Nich! (: u r like my lil bro, since our tuition days when I was in JC. thank you for always pressing into my life, even though I know how difficult it might be. When I was not in church and you would always ask me to join and I would always reject, till I felt irritated. But looking back, I am thankful that because of u, I was still connected to church in some ways (: U need lotsa quality time but I am always so busy and not making time for u, I know how horrible a friend/sister I can be at times. i will try to spend more time w u. Love you! and finally saw sze!!

Sat, went for Circuit training. I gonna miss the girls I work out with. I like them, maybe cos they make me feel young and alive. Their enthusiasm with their sports, their sisterly bond with each other. Their smiles and laughters over little jokes. Talking to Tricia about God and all. I guess I just really like the feeling of meeting and talking to new people, hearing their stories and knowing them. Haha it feels like there's 2 sides of me. sometimes I feel like I am a wanderer, throw me at any random place and I can fit in perfectly well, make new friends experience new things, no awkwardness. In fact I enjoy it. A stranger and a friend, not a close one, a loose friend. But I am fine with it, cos I am a wanderer. That is my OGL side, my camp, my hall side. But there's another side of me that needs to be grounded. I need God, I need my family, I need a guy who loves me and understands me, I need a group of close friends with me wherever I may be, I hate clubbing, I can be totally disconnected from hall activities because I know it's of no priorities to me in my life.

I guess the 2nd me is the me I choose to be, even though the 1st me has so much appeal and draw. I know I will happier being the 2nd, because the novelty and fun of being in the 1st will pass away. But the 2nd keeps me grounded to reality, to my purpose on Earth, to serve, to have strong valuable relationship, not frivolous ones. But I guess that part of me that enjoys meeting new people and talking to them will always be there, I see it as something good acty, it was what drew me into teaching. I know Gor used to question me, so what's my definition of friend? My deifnition of friend sounds so cheap. Who are my best friends? It's a hard question for me to answer, cos I will have so many answers!! For me, I guess, I just make different groups of close friends in diff phase of my life. Some grows closer, some drifts, others seldom meet yet I know they're there. Sometimes I am envious of people who have a close core group of friends which stuck with them from sec sch all the way, yet I rmb to count my blessings. For I may not have a close group of clique, but I do know I still have many good friends I can count on, and I have a loving boyfriend who will always be and promises to be my bestest friend forever (:

And after circuit, met keng to buy nich's present. Thanks for rushing down from sch dear, blur me for always assuming. And then rushed for dinner with the rest! just in time not late for service. and church! (: There's not one session in church that I would not tear, feels like a cry baby sometimes. But it's always when I rmb of good God is to me, of how He brought me back to church by giving me my breakthrough with mum, by comparing times back then in JC and now. How fearful I was that I would literally tremble, feel weak at my knee and heart popping out everytime I had to confront church with mum till now, being able to enjoy the freedom of going to church in her acknowledgement. Without having to receive 80+ miss calls, of constant fear of being beaten and threats, of guilt of lying and covering up. I know I know God allowed me to go through everything to strengthen my faith. If He has let things been so easy for me, I would have easily stumble on my faith and not hold on to it so dear. But it was through trials and tribulations that I learnt how precious my faith is and I would never give it up. I know everything will work together for the good. I know you will see my family through. I know the breakthrough will come. Who are you that you should lie? You are God and there's no need to, your promises will come to pass. When one in the household is saved, all will be saved.

Arise and build. Another great season for our church. Lord, speak to me on the amount you want me to pledge Lord, and give me the finances and means to fulfil it. Pastor is returning to the basics. Loving God, loving people (: Yest, was one of the few rare times I get to hug my cell members and I really like it. Somehow, I always am not ard when there's a chance to go round to hug my cell, I seem to be with zc's cell many times. but of cos I love his cell group too, they're really nice to me, like my another cellgrp, praying for me, inviting me to their events and always asking me how I am whenever they see me. Went home after service after celebrating nich's bday. Hm, although sometimes it feels like I miss out on alot of CG bonding, esp when they always watch late night movies. I know as much as mummy trusts me more now, I still should not abuse it and should still try to get home early. I am thankful that cell understands and would still make effort to bond w me, despite my low attendance in CG events.

Today, critique! Hm, it's really like I have a lack of points! but hope it'll turn out well! And I can finally steal some time to rest and blog. Tmr onwards, We need to talk about Kevin!! 2 weeks to read a book and 3000 word essay, plus start revising for exam which is in 3 weeks. Had dinner at kenny rogers with family, early celebration of my bday cos Mummy chemo starting thurs. 4 cycles of 21 days. I have no idea how it'll be for my family, I pray we will emerge stronger through it all. Even though dinner has relatively fewer people, er jie and qian jun not there, somehow feels incomplete. But yes, Tan family will stay together through it all!

Lotsa deadlines, stress from sch work, from life, for everybody.. 大家加油!! Soon exams will be over! Looking forward to Taiwan trip, though feel bad leaving mum behind. and that wont be ard w dear. But I guess it's time for me to go on my retreat and self reflection trip. Dint have time for long trip cos of my special sems, not tt I dint enjoy the 4 malaysia trips I had! (: but last time I had my reflection trip was in back in Cambodia COSI a year and a half back. soon it'll be candlelight and Christmas and end of 2011! how time flies. When it comes, I will do another entry to reflect and give thanks for this amazing year God has seen me through. For now, let us finish the race well! (: Amen!!

2011-10-25T19:41:00.000+08:00

Honours is indeed competitive and hectic. Sometimes it really scares me to see how competitive and discipline my classmates are. Got back my midterms and feeling lousy, but I refuse to think that it's because I am stupid/lousier than my classmate. But holding on to the promise of God from my 2 A pluses. Lord, you will see me through. I will be the head and not the tail, above and not beneath. I will do better than Bs, and I will graduate next year with my Honours, You are shaping my character through it all, I will learn how to be more discipline, set my priorities and focus less about things that do not matter, I will work harder, I will pray harder, I will depend on you more, I will. And Lord, I know you will fight for me too, you will. Amen.

2011-10-23T00:29:00.010+08:00

Love this song (:
Thank you Hongwei for sharing! Gor and I shazam and the results are like "新的一年新的开始“， ”会跳舞的狼“! like hilarious. Gor ended up letting me listen to some chinese new year song by this weird guy.

Anw the song was from a sweet proposal from a guy to his girlfriend. Feel especially touched, maybe cos the woman is a teacher. Marriage is something that is further more years down the road, yet it seems so near and more real to me now, compared to in the past.

When we were young, we have all this crazy funny ideas about love, we could eye candy and have a crush on someone for years, face blush & heart pump super fast, be totally unnatural and awkward when we see our crush and do the bravest and craziest thing, only to get ourselves hurt after that. BGR up to the age of 16 was a big NONO yet we always envy people who have boyfriends, secretly wishing we have one too. Hoping we receive nice things from crushes on vdays and exchanging love troubles with girlfriends (I have a huge box of postcards of them with my girls in sec 3 haha!)

As we grow older, we become less brave, we are afraid of getting hurt. We mask our feelings and keep it inside us. Looking for someone who we love to love us back, but it was hard to find. Often, the person we love dont love us back, and people who love us, we dont love them back. Yet at the same time, we envy those couples around in school and hope we will find our own soon.

Finally when we find our 1st love, think he's the one and pour our heart into it, but end up being disappointed and hurt because the love was unequal and one party do not feel loved and treasured enough. Letting go was the hardest thing, facebook was the closest way to know of the person's wellbeing. Why couldnt 2 be together to work things out if love was still present? Perhaps, there just isnt enough love.

As we grow older, love changes its meaning.. Although the feeling of face blush, heart beat is exciting and novel. I've learnt that it is a bad indicator of love. I began to focus less on feeling and more on finding my loved one based on character. Yet, it still doesnt lead us to finding our love, cos often the person we are attracted to may not take a liking on us. But focusing on character is not a bad start, cos character is a good measure of how the person really is. I have come to realize what was missing in finding our partner, besides just attraction and evaluation, was luck. It cannot be based purely on our own effort, but many a times, there needs to be element of luck (for me I believe it to be God's will/help). I listed down the guy I was looking for... one who loves God, one who would love me, one who love my frens and my family etc. I learnt to be more open to God's help and do less of the "trying to make the guy we like to be the guy we want him to be", cos girls we are expert at doing that. But instead learn to judge a guy's character in an objective, non bias way.

Pastor shared today, love is a choice, it's a decision, not just a feeling. I have learnt this in my relationship with zicheng. We did not start out well, we took very long before we got tgt mainly because I was unsure. Yet he was always there. For me, to accept him was a decision, a decision to accept his love for me. But because I accepted his love, I have grown to love him more and more each day (:

It is like our love relationship with Jesus, it is about accepting His love. Attraction and arousal is simply the initial phase in bringing 2 together, this is the easy part and some people may be stuck at this phase and not be willing to commit in a rs as they find a loss in novelty with the same partner after a while. I do have friends struggling with that, but truth of the matter is there is little value in short term rs and great value and happiness in committing to a single long term relationship. The harder part is staying together even when the feelings are gone, commitment. But even without feeling, the very act of choosing to stay, it is love! In fact it is a greater love! yet many give up when the feeling is gone, thinking that there's no more love left, not knowing that love was gone not when there was no more feeling but when they choose to leave.

Zicheng is like my mirror, bringing out the best as well as the ugliest in me. We have good and happy days, but cranky and bad days as well. But because he was patient with me and because we are committed in this rs, we know we could overcome all arguments/disagreements tgt. Our love is a moulding process for the both of us, a time of growing together. Zicheng liken our relationship to be cooking a pot of porridge, it must be cooked slowly in order to bring out its flavour, it cannot be rushed. It is not adrenalin pumping but bittersweet.

Hence, what I believe about love today has changed and is very different from my initial concept. Love is not a feeling, love don't happen at first sight, love is something that grows with time and trial. My advice to any woman is find the guy who truly treasures and love you just the way you are, who treats you genuinely well and pursue ur heart with all that he has. One who loves you in ur best as well as in ur worst. You may not feel adrenalin pumped with him, but you know you are safe and secured. You know you have found a best friend. And when such a guy appears in your life, treasure him and don't ever let him go. I have found mine and will not let him go! I hope you find yours too (:

Another impt lesson I have learnt about love as I grow up is that it is not just reserved for that special one. But I have experienced the love of God from where love came from and where the greatest love is found. I have learnt about loving people, about loving our neighbours as ourselves. I have learnt to love my family.

LOVE. It's a difficult concept to grasp. a lesson we will take a lifetime to learn. A skill we will take forever to perfect.

Love is a decision. Love is an action. Love is a habit.

Will you choose to stay when your marriage is at its bedrock, work on it and resist temptation from the pursuit of a guy in office? That is love.

Will you choose to clean up the feces of your ailing mother and visit her daily, even when you don't feel like it, because you have plenty of work to complete? That is love.

Will you alight from a bus to help a stranger you saw who needs help? That is love.

Will you be willing to die in order to save an enemy who had just killed your entire family, when you have every single right to let the enemy die for what he has done?

Well Jesus did it for us at the cross, his innocent blood saved us from all our heinous sins. So having received such grace from Him, how can we not do what He has commanded us to do. To Love.

Just random thoughts, from service and video. May I learn to be a better lover each day. Amen.

2011-09-24T23:44:00.001+08:00

Dint go out much this recess week.. But I still thank God for this 1 wk break. A breathtaker for me.

Thank you qi for two fat man :) nice and cheap thai food near katong, where we finally caught up w each other's life. Thank u for the sweet and encouraging card lovely! :) I really like the picture in front.

And also groupon waraku and Johnny English w dear dear! Not forgetting our free popeyes meals. Love our budget date! Haha! Say hello to silly Sealy :) it's so adorable and it can squeak! Haha :) Thank you for being there! I love you! :)

Sch is starting again! Gonna be busy busy busy! I know God u will see me thru all my deadlines and exams! And also time for family and ministry. Most imptly to seek u!

I rmb how u brought job opportunities to me in unexpected ways. And they came knocking at my door Wout me seeking. Saw how real and faithful u r when we stay committed to Your cause. I saw how u came true for me and it strengthen my faith tt You r indeed a providing God. It's the season for our church again, it's time for us to arise and build!

When We build Your house, I know Lord that You will build our house too! :)

Life is not easy. Everyone has a burden to carry. But we can make it easier by helping one another along the way and asking God to carry it for us! Jia you everybody! :)

2011-09-19T23:55:00.002+08:00

Tonight i am tired.. Thank you Jesus for being my rock.

2011-09-18T19:21:00.004+08:00

Lord I don't have much time, every minute is precious.
Let not this recess week pass me by,
grant me concentration and motivation!!
Which I am lacking right now...
To complete my revision and work
and spend quality time with my loved ones!

Yesterday's service message about wisdom.

Proverbs 30:24-28
24 There are four things which are little on the earth,
But they are exceedingly wise:
25 The ants are a people not strong,
Yet they prepare their food in the summer;
26 The rock badgers are a feeble folk,
Yet they make their homes in the crags;
27 The locusts have no king,
Yet they all advance in ranks;
28 The spider skillfully grasps with its hands,
And it is in kings’ palaces.

1) Prepare in advance like the ants
2) Recognize my weaknesses and make my rock (JESUS) my habituation
3) Stay united like the locusts, because I cannot do this alone
4) Be determined like the spider, never lose hope, never give up. To always stay in the king's palace.

I love my family. And I guess many times, only when we feel like we're about to lose certain things that we see how many things in life we take for granted. In life, there's a season for everything, and period of trials and difficulties are placed there to make us stronger and to realize how loved we acty are, by God and the people He placed around us. This period has really bonded my family together and I cannot thank God enough for my family.

I love you, mummy! Everything's gonna be alright. I know because I know how good God is, and how He loves you and our family. I know she's scared. She do her best not to cry in front of us but I know it, when I see tears welling from her eyes, when she say things like asking Jean to take care of the house.

My mum is a virtuous woman and a good mother, taking care of our every need, protecting us and making sure we don't come to harm.. She's a faithful wife, so my dad never had to worry a thing at home/work and every time we go overseas. She's a filial daughter as I see her crying over ah ma and never failing to be down at sembawang every year during ah gong's death anniversary. She's a good sister who would rush down to her siblings in need.

God you are doing a work in my family. There's not a doubt that you allowed all these to happen, you are changing heart and your hand of protection is upon my household. It is more blessed to lose our life and find You, than to live a life wout You. For you are my rock that I stand on, the creator and finisher of my faith. All other grounds are just sinking sand..

Lord, be there at the operation tomorrow. Let my mum know she's a beautiful woman no matter what. I know there may be many regrets in her life. Let her learn to forgive herself. I am not good with words, I have many fears. Give me the wisdom that I need Lord to be your instrument for the completion of Your work.

Thank you Jesus for allowing me see how loved I am. A friend in need is a friend indeed. I don't count myself to be a good fren to many. But I thank God for friends whom I can count on. Thank you all for your love and concern, be it dropping simple msges, praying or coming down to visit my mum at the hospital. I am really touched knowing that despite the difficulties some might be facing, they're still there for me. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Thank you zicheng, for standing by me. Being there at the hospital and accompanying me during the wait. For lifting me up and comforting me all the time. For your enduring love. As well as ur supportive parents, thank you auntie and uncle.

Lord, be with me, be with my mum and my family. For I know when all is said and done, You will make a way.

2011-09-16T19:27:00.000+08:00

When our situation makes it tempting to complain and blame God, lift our hands and praise Him instead! For we would have have nothing and been nothing Wout Him!

2011-09-08T21:55:00.000+08:00

Indeed, Lord, thank you for being my secret place.
One where no one can take away, one that no one have access to except me.
In this trying time for my family and crunch time for my work, thank you for your presence.
Thank you for angels, help and encouragement you sent me along the way.
I know it is always safe to cry in your presence, that in your presence I do not have anything to hold back, for you understand my every need and every situation that I go through. All my disappointments and sadness fades away in your presence, and you clothed me with peace and joy in return.

Every cancer cell, every spirit of unbelief, all flee in your presence and name.
I know joy and salvation is on its way.
No seasons last forever, there is always a period of hardship before any breakthroughs
Winter will pass, Spring is on its way.
There is a time for everything in this earth.
I will continue to cling on to you Lord, my secret place.
I know you will deliver me through.
I am not going anywhere, just going to move with you and see how your promises come to pass!
I remember the wait but I know it will all be worthwhile, you bottle every single tear.
I love you Jesus, Amen.

2011-09-02T21:13:00.001+08:00

Hide me now
Under Your wings
Cover me
Within Your mighty hand

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm
Father you are King over the flood
I will be still and know You are God

Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know His power
In quietness and trust

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm
Father You are king over the flood
I will be still and know You are God

I guess I never really understood the feeling of a loved one being really sick/dying.
When I hear friends' grandparents or parents suffering from illness/pass away, I could empathize and offer words of condolences but I am never able to feel their heartbrokeness and say "I understand how you feel". My ah gong passed away when I was way too young, patrina yes she left an impact on me- my 1st encounter with God and death after I have become more sensible. Da jie's friend suicide and the whole idea of life and eternal consequence. Ah po's death, i will miss her but not close enough to really feel the hurt.

I thought my heart is quite hardened towards death. So when I found myself crying today, I remember what Wai jia said. What you cry for is also what your heart beats for.

Mummy going operation coming wed, maybe chemo after that depending on result of first operation. Everything happened too fast for me today. I know devil meant it for the bad, but God you allowed it to happen for a reason, for the good of my mum, of my family, of me. I found myself comforting a fren who is going through a painful illness herself today. It's true that God allowed us to go through tribulations so that we may be able to comfort others with the same comfort we receive from God. Yet in the midst of all these, there is a certain peace that God is in control. I feel like a rubber band being stretched, clay in my potter's hand. But I know I will never snap cos He is in control.

There is so much fear, anxieties, giants that I need to confront. I fear that I am inadequate to be there for my family, that I will cry in front of ppl or my mummy. I know God He's changing me, He's doing His plans in my family. Yet I have so much to thank God for, that I was still able to concentrate in class, tt I have a loving bf, supportive family and friends. That God He will see me through my Honours year cos of His convenant of 2A pluses for me.

The song resonates with what I feel, that in the midst of storm, I will ride with Him, be still and know that He is God. If you are a fellow bro/sis in Christ reading this, please pray for my mum and my family. Thank you.

2011-08-10T01:59:00.000+08:00

3 months holidays just zoomed past like tt, faster than I imagine.
This holidays, I did 2 special semesters, studied 2 very interesting subjects on property management and names. Am blessed with good tutors and frens who did the modules tgt with me, family, boyfren and frens who are supportive of what I am doing.

Though there are things ard sch tt I dont like, like how they raise our sch fees and spent it not on building amenities that would benefit the large student population, but on exception groups of students and wasting money on random stuff like planting random grass and seedlings around the campus. Still, I consider myself blessed to be able to enter into university and pursue a degree. To be able to enjoy student privilege, a chance to stay in hall, to meet bunch of amazing frens, a loving boyfren, library which I could have access to journals and books, cheap canteen food, good tutors whom I could approach,a chance to study a subject I was not familiar with and open my horizon to the world around me, a chance to learn about independence, learning to juggle my time to excel in my studies as well as toserve the Lord etc. etc.

This Friday, I would know God's plan for me for the next 1 year. Whether I would stay in NUS for another year for my honours or whether I would be going for contract teaching while waiting for my next NIE intake. To say that I am not anxious at all would be false. Yet, I started on this risky journey placing my faith in the Lord. I trust tt if it is His will for me to go through the special semesters in order to achieve my honours, He will open the ways for me. Indeed he opened the way for me at MOE side in deferring my NIE so I could complete my special sem 2 module. And also NUS side so I could do this module in replacement of a 3000 module which I had no options to choose from. Last lap, no reason why I should not trust in Him, knowing He is in control over every aspect of my life.. So when friday come, I only ask and pray for peace and trust. And whatever the result might be, I will accept the decision, and embrace the next season in my life..

Went for 4 overseas trip, all to Malaysia! haha.
1st with my awesome hall frens to tioman. They never fail to make me laugh and be comfortable. That was when zicheng officially asked me to be his gf too.
2nd was with church to JB for higher conference! The encounter with holy spirit at pastor Kong session was truly a life changing experience (:
3rd was with my parents to JB for a day trip, tgt with zc who met my parents for the 1st time. The session was quite funny, cos zc was so nervous throughout. But it turned out great! (:
4th was kukup with zicheng's sec sch clique, STWC! I enjoyed their company. Simple and fun bunch of people.

Zicheng came over my place to celebrate tao tao's 2nd year bday tgt with my family! So he has met everybody except Gundy who was acty the most enthu amongst them in meeting zc. haha! My dear nephew is so adorable and excited at all the new toys and gifts! Truly the doted one in the family.

Met up with frens, some really special ones tt I have not met in a long time, like flora, charlene and jody. God presenting me opportunities to reach out to those who are struggling with their spiritual walk and introducing them back to His love.

Started to go visitation to the children's church's children home. It was an eyeopener and a learning exp for me. I am truly blessed to be born into a complete and relatively well to do family. Yet, regardless of our backgrd, God's love is freely poured out to ALL. We are all equal in His eyes.

Signed up for ministry.. Tuition and CHCSA. zicheng was right, settling for a ministry is not as easy as just according to ur interest. I need to pray and seek deeper.. will I question myself next time, why I am giving tuition to kids free, when I could easily earn much more as a full time tutor. Why am I sacrificing my time teaching these kids. Will I find no more interest and nth to learn from it anymore next time? Will I be too tired to teach extra few hours after a full day of teaching? God, please help me answer my doubts and allow me to go into a ministry according to what u place in my heart..

Ending my 12 lessons of kickboxing tomorrow! The experience has been nothing but fantastic. I often get so tired by the kick and punches. But would pushed myself a lil more, just to enjoy the feeling of fulfillment in being fit and healthy. Aches all over my body, but satisfied nonetheless. visit ACTIVERED if u wanna try kickboxing! haha! not paid to do publicity for them but I really liked their genuineness in introducing the sports to us. And the instructors are really friendly, genuine and great in their service. They dont force us to sign up for courses but it's really up to our free will according to our satisfaction with their service. On the contrary, I was invited to True Yoga for a trial lesson and the experience was so different. I was so super turned off. They give us trial class just to hard sell the membership to us like MLM. They asked for my IC for registration and I forgot to take back from them at the end. I tried to get back the following days and it felt like they were detaining my IC just to get me to go for more trial lessons and kept asking me to introduce new names to them if I am satisfied with their service (which I am not). I was ready to contact ICA if they dun return me my IC. I finally managed to get back my IC and left immediately, with the woman bugging me to give her some names.. I have enough bad experience with MLM!

Tidied my room, though not completed. and also shifted my stuff back to hall! helped zicheng too. Looking forward to a good year of studying in hall! Discipline and focused life for Jesus, to live an EXTRAORDINARY life for Him! Though part of me dread going back hall, cos I have made myself so comfortable at home the past 3 months. And built a better rs with my family members. Just hope that things wont change once I move back..

Just 2 days ago, celebrated zicheng's 24th bday tgt with him. Planned 2 surprise + 4 gifts for him. baked cake and did a scrapebook for him containing all his loved ones' msges. On his bday eve, we went to eat at kilo at kampong bugis, with car breaking down. haha! these kinds of things always happen to us, getting chased out of USS, kena chased out of hall, stucked in hospital at Vietnam bla bla! Thankfully we asked passerby if they had jumplead and managed to find someone who had it. They helped us jumplead our car and we were soooo soooo blessed to be able to still travel for supper and to waterfront park for a nice scenery before sending him and myself home. The next day, the car couldnt even start at all, not even the aircon and music. The nissan man came to changed our batt. Zicheng and I could only just kept thanking God on how blessed we were the night before, that the car lasted us for the night and we were not stuck in random places, having to ask someone to tow our car away. And the car only broke down back at my home. On his actual day, we went to the zoo where we had so much fun! We felt like sch girl and boy all over again! Then had dinner with his parents at jurong point, before showing him the scrapebook. Nights of lil sleep was worth it to see him so happy and touched by it (: Happy 24th dear! To make up for ur 2 years in rag and not celebrating ur bday! Thank you for being the love of my life, for loving me, for ALWAYS being there and standing in the gap for me. Looking forward to a lifetime spent with u! (:

Today went for rag, shouted only for a while for TH and my throat hurts now! haha! Happy that TH gets to perform at Chingay tgt w eusoff next yr. The float was really pretty! And was great catching up w qi, su, dom and kar. qiqi was so sweet to accompany me for dinner at Bedok! (: Saw Claire Neo too! and biz performance was great! well done dear! Really hope we will get to see more of each other!

3 months flew past just like tt. Only regret I didnt have time to go visit kids back at COSI, or visit the kids in Thailand. But it had been a fulfiling holiday! 1 more day to sch start, 2 more days to my results! praying for the best and trusting in the Lord! Amen!

2011-07-10T19:23:00.001+08:00

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think its more than you can take
But you are stronger, stronger than you know
Don't you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

It doesn't matter what you've heard
Impossible is not a word
It's just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody's scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It'll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That's what faith can do)
When the world says you can't
It'll tell you that you can!

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do
That's what faith can do!
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise
________________________________________________________
Lovely song that Jayesslee sang at my church tt day (: i kept tearing throughout the service while hearing their testimony and pastor tan's sharing..

My God is a faithful God, keep walking with Him no matter how difficult things may seem, do not betray Him because Jesus He never ever forsakes us... (: Lord I trust that you will bring me from glory to glory in my walk with you, so much things I look forward to--- family salvation, baptism, SOT, wedding at a church. I will be still and see how Your promises come to pass in my life.

Seeing frens convocation is a really touching moment for me. Time just flew past like tt, university seem to be a long long way ahead just some time ago, and soon here we are, coming to the end of our education.. really am very happy for each and everyone of them. I look forward to my own in a year's time, in golden sash! Jesus, You have brought me so far, You brought me to uni and gave me my MOE teaching award. I believe you will carry me through the last lap of my education!

2011-07-06T20:52:00.000+08:00

Decided to hide the previous post cos I know I sounded very angst and self righteous, which is not good.
Thank God for frens like steph, who would be honest with me. We all really need frens who are unafraid to offend us and point out our mistakes to us.
Thank you God also for my Gor gor for always giving his advice and support to me, for being such an awesome brother to me.
Thank you Nich who would meet me up when I ringed him up, no matter how last min, just to hear me out.
Thank you Nich and Sen for encouraging me to go up to visit cell, even though there was so much holding me back, mainly for fear of judgment. Thank you for encouraging me.
Thank you zicheng for loving me despite all my weaknesses, for experiencing my emotions with me and being there with and for me no matter what.
My sis and I are okay already. Zicheng was right to say tt it was pointless for siblings to stay angry with each other for long, no point. I know it was no point too, but I did not know why I was so affected too.
Thank you Jesus for showing me how imperfect I was through this incident, how prideful and evil I can be. I didnt like it at all. And I know only Jesus could change me when I trust and surrender to Him, to do the moulding, to humble myself and to honour His Great Commandment--- to love Him & to love people.

Then, was my special semester 1. It has been so difficult for me. To know tt I want to do my honours and not ready to graduate, yet not meeting the mark. There was so much for me to regret and be dissatisfied about. Why I didnt S/U that Sci Gem in yr 1 sem 1, it would raised my cap by 0.025.. How running of JCRC pulled my cap down so much, failed 1 mod and had to redo and whether it was worth it.. How my results last semester did not meet my expectation at all, I was confident and expected a much better result, instead of avg B.Why I had to take 2 special semesters to pull my cap, when my peers could easily meet their honours requirement and be enjoying their holidays?
I was so unmotivated to study at some points of time in my special sem 1, yet knowing I have to do well. I had to get at least an A and a B+, or 2 A- in order to do my honours. It was that strict, to get a B would mean my chance is over, and B was what I have been getting more often than not my entire NUS life. It is really stressful for me. Not only do I have to study hard, I have to handle all the NUS and MOE restrictions set upon me. I could not appeal, I had to do 3000 modules which wasnt offered in special sem 2, I had to report for NIE.. It really drives me to frustration so many times. But thank God who made a way for me, tt I met 2 nice coordinators who answered promptly to my blasts of emails and was helpful in helping me with my requests. Thank God for nice tutors and master who was willing to write recommendation letters for me. Thank you God tt NUS eventually allowed me to do a 1000 module in special sem 2, in consideration that there was no suitable 3000 module for me to do, and MOE side was kind to defer me from my NIE appointment till a later date so I can concentrate on my sem 2.
Thank God for a great tutor Dr Wong for my property management course, thank you God I met familiar face Augustine. And thank you God I had zicheng who was running and supporting me during the entire term. The results came and the results blew me away. I did not have a good sleep the night before, I woke up many times in the middle of the night checking my phone, cos I know tt sometimes they send the results to us before 9am. But by 10am the results did not come, I got anxious and checked online only to see tt it will only be out at 11am. I spent remaining of time praying, I prayed for peace, prayed to have faith to trust in Him no matter what the result might be, prayed to have an A but I had little confidence, so I mainly prayed for peace and trust. 11am came, the results was not sent to me, then Augustine told me I must check from myisis. So I did, and tears start streaming down my eyes when I saw the A+ and cap of 3.48 from 3.43. I really could hardly believe my eyes I refreshed the page many time just to confirm. I was touched beyond words, God was so so good to me. My 1st A+, God performed the miracle tt I needed for me. A was sufficient for me. Though A+ makes no difference to the grade as A, yet it was such a huge huge encouragement from God to me, tt He is with me. That this longer journey that I am taking is not to crush me but to strengthen me, that it is for my good. He was faithful even though I knew many times during my studies in Special Sem 1 that I was not, tt I wanted to give up and did not see a point in working hard if I could not break through from the restrictions by NUS and MOE. But zc encouraged me, tt I had to work hard so that God can do the rest. That if I don't work hard, there is nothing God can do to help me. And I saw how He did the miracles for me, even though I knew my answer for the last essay question was very disorganized. I did not had time and hence did not plan my answer and wrote whatever that came to my mind, hence my points were all over the place.
I must get at least a B+ for my coming special semester 2. Though many people keep tell me "Aiyah, can one la!", I am not taking it for granted, for I know how difficult it is for me to get a B+. And this module study of names is really not that easy. I know it can only be done through God's strength and intervention. I know I have to depend and trust in Him, and find peace in His plans, wherever it might lead me.. I pray my faith will not waver, that I will always trust in Him and His plans for me.
And I know I was setting myself up for something that was not easy when I asked to do Honours, that is why I need Him more than ever before to carry me through my Honours year. It will be difficult for me to maintain my grades of 3.5. My psych mods have never been of very good grades, and it was my other non psych mods that are pulling my grades up. My grades for psych has always been C, C+, B-, B and the best B+ was only a few modules. 4 4000 psych modules in 2 semesters, to get the 2nd lower, only God can bring me through. And I cannot bid for any 4000 modules till my special sem 2 results are out, so God please guide me through my appeal for my 4000 modules too, that I will get my ideal modules in sem 1.

And finally zicheng met my parents for the 1st time. haha 1st meeting go overseas to JB, no wonder he was so nervous, he needed to go to the toilet last min and coughed so much again. But it turned out good and he finally got to see my parents for himself, instead of just hearing me talk about them. Daddy was toastmaster self, singing, telling jokes and entertaining the bus whole day, overthrowing the tour guide. it was quite funny, i told zc my dad usually isnt like this, only in front of friends. Mummy was quiet but zc felt she was those kind dont talk much but very warm one, so kanchiong ran around helping zc find shoes and asking whether he back home and all. Thank you Lord for my unique family. May I learn to open up more to them, to appreciate and love them more. And you have brought zicheng and I so far, continue to watch over our rs. We have met each other's cell leaders, friends and parents, last people to meet, my sisters and jiefus (: He's in ICT for a week. Jia you in reservice dear! (:

I am happy that even during hols with special sem, I am able to meet up with frens and go for activities like kickboxing. Am glad many overseas frens are back/are coming back! (: miss all of them! and 3 months holiday really is flying pass fast! just 1 more month to the end of it. less than a month to exams! It has been a well-spent holidays. And CONGRATS to all those convocating this year! (: Lord, continue to bless me through rest of the holidays! <3

2011-06-20T21:18:00.042+08:00

What can I say? Except that I have an extremely loving boyfriend and an understanding and supportive gor gor, whom I am so thankful for.. 2 great men in my life...

Higher conference was great. Devil cannot sow discord and take away the joy and impartation I had at the conference.. greater accountability yes. Though I din't think there was a need for that great a reaction/anger, and I dint think tt was real concern, tt there were pride and judgment involved, but I guess I cannot run away from the part tt I tried to deceive and gave the false impression.
Fear-my greatest enemy. It's so hard to be totally honest, knowing being honest would mean giving up certain things which I really want to do, to be able to live a totally sold out life for Christ. Yet, fear is not having enough faith in my God. and not trusting Him enough tt He will deliver and make a way for things which are His will over my life..
No need for guilt xiu.. if not, the devil would have achieved his goal. just learn from it and move on. certain things tt are beyond my control, I just have to let God handle it. I guess no one could be as perfect as my Jesus, forgiving me and loving me all the time despite my million falls and sins against Him. His love and forgiveness for me is unconditional. I must learn to forgive and protect just like how Christ did for me.

Pastor Kong shared his heart and how the Holy Spirit guided and delivered him through the past one year.. Holy spirit has a presence, has power, is a person. Holy Spirit I pray you be my guide. Because I am so imperfect and I always screw up things and apart from you I can do nothing great by my own strength. Just keep walking, eventually I will get there. I prayed for salvation for the whole household, I know you have heard me, and I know whatever happens to me in my life is under your charge and control. That Lord, you are faithful, you never leave me and you are fighting the battle for me...

2011-06-14T01:06:00.004+08:00

Why is everyone locking up their journals? gone are the days where I can just go blog hopping reading blogs and finding how my friends are doing. less people are willing to pen down their real emotions on blog for others to read. everyone is getting more private on a public space.. :( perhaps, it's a good things cos instead of having the false impression that we know what is going on in a friend's life through social media, we would take the effort to arrange and meet up with friends to catch up with them. Living in such a IT-saavy world, sometimes we forget about the importance of human interaction and personal touch. Away from technology, my experience at Cambodia will always be a huge huge reminder to me, to remember the simple things in life. To get dirty and be involved.

I really miss. I want to get back there when I can. Perhaps my calling is not in doing mission. Yet, I know I have the desire to visit the poor and the needy. To contribute whatever I can. Yet there's always fear and lots of inertia and excuses. Committing to some things would definitely means less time for other things. Serving is never an easy decision. Often, we have to sacrifice time with family, time with friends, time for ourselves.. Which leads me to my ministry, I think I want to start off with visitation. I know it's not going to be easy, but I think what I really need now is to commit. I am afraid to commit, am afraid of too many things, too many times. Yet we shouldn't let our fear stop us from doing anything. If not we are just making excuses for ourselves. I need to live a freed life, to not be afraid to give up somethings in order to pursue my dreams, to be not afraid of anybody's judgment but tt of God. To find my security in Him. God will take care of my needs, just like what pastor taught in Ezekiel.

I really shouldnt be here blogging now, when I have chapters to finish. But I need to pen down some thoughts before I start work. I feel really tired and restless, and I know it's not sleep issue. And something doesn't feel right even though there's nothing that isn't. Maybe it's the stress and uncertainty that's really getting to me. I know God will make all things will work together for the good, yet humans, or maybe just me, we cannot have enough faith to stop worrying, to have total trust. Maybe that's why God will keep testing us, keep pushing us to the limit, till we feel that we cannot handle it anymore and lose all hopes. Then will He finally show up, show His power, show how He delivers us, to make us in awe of His power and His goodness over our lives, to enlarge our faith for a greater challenge that He has in stored for us in our lives.

Lord, I really need the concentration, the strength, the endurance to last through my exams on Friday. I need you to carry me because I know I am coming to the end of my own personal strength. But Lord, with you, I will make it and you will make me soar high above the sky..

But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. -Isaiah 40:31

"Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is sacred to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength." -Nehemiah 8:10

This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it. -Psalm 118:24

2011-06-09T01:44:00.001+08:00

I was at bible study today, a german lady came to sit beside me cos her cell group has not decided where to sit yet and she started talking to me.
She was very friendly, shared tt she's a german, lived in mexico since young and has come singapore for 6 years alrdy cos her husband works here.
shared with me stories about her life in singapore and about her children.
what really amazed me was when she talked about faith. her grandparents were missionaries, her daughters are christians too but they believed that we earn our salvation through work instead of by grace. she's the only one in her family attending our church. her husband and son are not very rooted in their faith.
she shared with me how her cell group is made up of parents who all have children unsaved. she said she is thankful our church is a praying church, so she meets up with her cell group members weekly to pray for the church and for their children.
And she said "we are really fighting a spiritual warfare, your generation very poor thing, because you all are exposed to so much information, it's easy to get confused and miss out on the truth"

I was so touched when I heard that because of her love for her kids and her compassion towards our generation. I heard so much about parental objection and believed that it is more often than not the children in the family who have to the difficult task to win their parents over. However, I missed out that there are actually many parents out there as well who are fighting battles similar as mine, in winning their children over. And probably they would be more upset, as they brought their kids up since they were a little baby. And generation today is more individualistic and probably harder to convince us as we are a reasoning generation.

The lady brought much encouragement to me, at the end of the day. She made me realize that it is really a privilege to partake in Christ's suffering, to be the chosen ones in our family to bring about our family members salvation, to be found favour in God's sight. This is regardless of whether we are the children or the parents, because at the end of the day, there is no comparison, just a constant denominator--- we are fighting a spiritual warfare.

Everything for honours is so uncertain but I will trust that I will be given a chance, a chance. Even if I am not, I believe in God's provision for every aspect of my life, that whatever I have or will be given, will always be more than all that I ever need or ask for. That I may freely receive, freely give. Focus my eyes on not what is temporal but on what is eternal . Lord I need you to come and humble and enlarge my heart....

2011-06-02T02:50:00.004+08:00

I really don't want to go!
It is really not my interest, going for singing lessons with my parents and their friends.
I went once and I really did not like.
But my parents they love singing, it's the thing they can go on and on about.
But how they worship singing, their lessons and the teacher, I find it meaningless.
But my mum she has been bugging me to go since forever, and now it's holidays I cannot reject.
I really did not want to go alone. I know I will be so bored. I asked my brother to go with me, and he agreed. Really hands down to him for being able to go for lessons with them for 3 whole months. I don't know how he did it, it really requires alot of endurance.
And so we went... surprise it was at dunman high school, not the old place anymore. And I have not stepped into my sec sch after its renovation. so much memories.
Put on my mum's clothes cos she said my top was too revealing and her class is made of "Barisan people", which suppose to mean very conservative people.
Went to walked around sch with my gor gor, played piano of the jay chou song which I take forever to harmonize with him, even though my part was so little.
Then we went to class, did warm up and repeat "hua xin" for more than 10 times. I was very distracted and bored.

But Gor surprised me, he was concentrating and practising, why so serious, I know he came because I asked him. He did not like it too. He saw me playing with my phone and sms-ing and said to me:
"Can you concentrate and be more focused?"
I stared at him.
"This is their church, and is this how you will behave in church? You have to give respect to their church, then only then can you win them over to ours."
I was shocked but it is true. This is their church, where they find fellowship and love. Where they will be excited and go on and on about. As much as I dislike it, there will be so much discomfort for them as well, if they ever are willing to come to God's church. But would I want to see them be so fidgety and disinterested when they come visiting my church? No, I wont. I would want them enjoying the sermon, to experience God's presence and to enjoy the fellowship. I saw my mum keep glancing at me, and keep telling me to go up to sing. I put my phone away and sang as the last person for the night..

"Everything it takes to win them over". I know Gor dislikes it and find their obsession towards singing meaningless as well. Yet, who are we to judge? Gor came for a greater purpose, forced himself to enjoy the lesson and take the effort to make conversations with the aunties and uncles. Laughed at their jokes and is comfortable around them. He gave the respect to their culture for this is their church. Not because he enjoys it but because he knows there is no easy way to win people over. People don't come to know Christ overnight. People only cares how much we know until they know how much we care. And isn't that precisely Jesus' Great Commandment to us? To love God and to love people. I know my parents are imperfect in many ways. Yet, in front of God, we are all the same. The love He loves us with, it is all the same. If God is interested in their lives, in their singing lessons, who am I to judge.

To give their culture the respect that they deserve. A truly humbling experience for me. And I know we made my parents really happy by going to lessons with them today. Because they allowed me to take the wheel and Gor to sit in the front seat to guide me, this is not easy for them, knowing how anxious my dad is everytime I drive and giving instructions non stop throughout the drive, which caused me to be so inconfident to drive alone. Thank you erjie, thank you Gor, thank you zc, thank you emm, for they always encourage me to drive and helped me overcome my fear of driving alone..

Lord, I know how inconfident I am with myself on so many occasions, let me depend more on you! Because I was safe that night when I drove alone in the rain because you were with me, even though my heart was scared to death. And I know I will be safe in my churchgoing and my studies as well. Trusting in you Lord.

2011-06-01T00:52:00.001+08:00

Going somewhere

The future is scary, but I suppose, we can't keep running back to the past just because it's familiar. It's tempting for sure, and it certainly seems like a good deal to return to where it's comfortable and beautiful and secure...

... But it's a mistake.

It's missing the mark.

It's letting go of a Hand that helped you walk on water so you could swim frantically back to shore, back to a place at the start which feels safe and secure and protected.

It's falling short of one's destiny.
_____________________________

Thank You Waijia.. You really have the amazing talent to put our worries and fears into perspective, into words.

How many times have I wanted to run back to the past, to stay stagnant, because the future is scary. Because things might be bad in the past, but at least it is certain. But the future is unpredictable, it's a dark pathway and I do not know what lies ahead.

Be in the present. Do not let go of the Potter's hand, that hand that led me, that is leading me through.. That always encourages me. What lies ahead God? I don't know. What is your plan for me? Am I doing too much for my own sake? What if all this is never your will for me. Maybe I should just forget about it and submit to fate. The easier way seems to be what you meant for me.. Is it God?

What fate my dear? There's no such a thing as fate. There's only my destiny for you. As heavens are higher than the earth, so are my plans higher than your plans, and my ways than your ways, says the Lord. Just keep walking, it's okay to make a few mistakes along the way. It is meant to be this way because my destiny for you is a secret. I stirred in your heart, to go on the harder way, though sometimes a thought comes and discourage you, telling you that your choice is a foolish one, that you are heading towards nothing but yet another disappointment. But you never know till you have tried my dear. And fret not, because no matter how badly you screw up, or you feel you do, my destiny will always prevail over your ways. And it's not so much the destination, but the journey that is important. I am not so concerned about your grades and where you will end up to be, because I already have that all planned out. I am more concerned about your character. As long as you feel that you have done your best with no regrets, the path will just get ever brighter, things will just get ever clearer. And all these now, they will become your past, in preparation for a greater future I have for you..

Yes Lord, you are in control. Not any men, power or principalities, but You Lord, You are in control. You are in control of my life, of my decision, of whatever that was gone and that is to come. Nothing by chance. All is in your control and part of your grand plan. I just want to submit and surrender all into your hands. No guessing, no doubting, just keep holding to your hands and keep walking! I don't ever want to let go, cos wherever it may be, without your hand, tt would be the scariest place I could ever be, no matter how lovely the place may seem.. Yes, something leap in me! I know with a heart so sure, the safest place to be is where you are with me.

2011-05-30T18:40:00.001+08:00

And even though I feel a lil tired, my previous post speaks out loud to me...
NEVER NEVER NEVER GIVE UPPP!!
even if it means another few more special sem to do my honours, i will go for it. wont want to look back many yrs and see tt i haven not given my last and best shot! and ask myself, what if I have gone for it, will I be able to pursue another year of studies?
but i ask myself, why am I so keen to do my honours? for better pay next time? for a better comfort of living? am I materialistic?
I dont want to become materialistic. I dont want to become someone so preoccupied with earning money. because we cant serve 2 masters, we cant serve both God and money.

waijia blog was apt for me
fool for you

God, I ask for another year at NUS cos I am not ready to graduate, when I know I have so much more I want to learn about my course. When I did not use the best of my uni days to pursue studies wholeheartedly, that I was distracted, I lost my focus in yr 1 & yr 2 in uni, when I kept myself busy with so much hall stuff. I still want to learn so much more, so much so much more, I pray you give me such a chance. Just when I am beginning to enjoy learning and living in the power of trusting you, Lord, I dont want to graduate just yet.

But God, it may be a stubborn decision, maybe u want me to go NIE, or it may be a test of faith from you on how much I really want it. I am not sure, but sth tell me to go ahead with special sem 2, even though it means juggling btw NIE and NUS. even as I go ahead, I just pray I am not doing this alone, but Lord u r here guiding me! And most imptly, let me learn sth out of these 2 modules I am taking in special sem. Let me not see this as a chore but as a privilege. Privilege to learn things I never knew of.

I know I am ill-discipline and ill-focus sometimes, but you always always see me through. Fresh in uni to end of my 3rd year. Lord, let me treasure this chance and enlarge my capacity through this all..

Cos I know things have changed within me from the 1st time I entered uni till now.. From a girl who hanged on stubbornly to my desires and refused to let God take charge, crying and being angry when I couldnt get my exchange. Lord you broke me down, U allow me to see that I should not be envious of others when I am already living in the fruit of ur blessings. Being in NUS and being able to stay in hall is by itself, a great blessing you have given me. And staying here in Singapore allowed me to receive my breakthrough in church-going, to meet so much wonderful friends and the love of my life. I learnt to submit and trust in you God. it's amazing how the usual stress and anxiety did not grip me last night or this morn before the results, like how it did in previous sems. But I had a peaceful sleep, dreaming about running man. Hiding under the shadow of your wing, my heart's safe.

So Lord, just gonna take one step at a time, settle all the admin and shuttle between NIE, ESE and NUS. Make a way for me. Though it's not the usual holiday of rest, I found my rest in you! (: And it's good I am occupied w things to do, if not I will become a sloth.

My last shot, whatever it may be, trust in you, and I know you ALWAYS have the BEST plan for me! (:

2011-05-27T17:36:00.007+08:00

Likes this!
Never Never Never Give up!!
Praying and hoping that I will do my honours and I will go for HIGHER conference!
And above all, a closer walk with God! (:

2011-05-17T15:26:00.003+08:00

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

-----------------------------------------------------
Claire sent me this song, and I love the lyrics (: thank you dear!

Alot of have come to offer words of encouragement and comfort for the previous post, am really touched! thank you frens! i m sorry if it worried u all, never my intention. i am fine and doing great (: so dun worry abt me k! (:

God is good! for seeing me through my exams period. This is my most crucial semester, determining if I could do my honours. yet there is peace through all the papers that I sat. No freaking out or stress tt overwhelms me. but for each paper, I went in with certain expectancy and I answered all the questions to the best of my ability.

Saw how imperfect I could be. when I got 24/25 for one of my paper, instead of thanking God, I felt tt it was such a pity and exclaimed at how I could have gotten 25 cos I knew my mistake was my 1st ques which was really a careless one from complacency and wanting to complete the paper fast. Only when reminded by zc, then I saw how imperfect I was. It was never by my own strength tt I could get good grades for any papers in the 1st place! It is always because of God's grace and wisdom tt was with me when I revised and sat for the papers, tt I am able to do any questions or do it well. and tt I often forget and take for granted.

And I want to surrender the results of the exams into my Father's hand. less than 2 weeks till I know if I will be staying another year's in NUS or going to NIE. honestly, I am not ready for NIE, but if it is God's will I will embrace this new chapter in my life.

And thank God tt my medical checkout dint turn out bad, at least not some cancer or sth.. polycystic ovary. I just have to watch my diet and exercise more. whatever to come next time, I'll just trust God in it. Thank you God also tt popo is fine and discharged from hospital. both gong gong popo are old alrdy. I pray tt they will come to know Christ this lifetime. I teared when gugu, gor gor and I offered her prayers and she was open to receive it in the hospital.

special sem started and I am so glad to see Augustine in the same lecture. I tot I wont know anybody and I am so so happy to see his familiar face in the crowd. The workload is still fine now. but will get busier, hope I will work hard and not slack! I wanna do well for this module too!

It is this time of the year again. Am a lil sad I am unable to go COSI this year, unlike my past 2 years, cos of my special sem. There are always new things tt are to come in our lives! Things may not be always how we wish for but I know I will always have the desire to go back on more trips to the poor and needy to help them next time. COSI kids u all are greatly missed! Thank you for changing and impacting my lives in such a great way, for helping me heal during tt low period in my life and showing me the evidence of God's endearing and lasting love!

But I am really thankful for Tioman trip w the hall guys, thanks for making it happen! It was great as usual! (: Tioman is a pretty place, no matter how we try to look for entertainment in this modernized world, nothing beats God's creation! just a short trip lulling at the beach is enough to rejuvenate the mind and soul. Enjoyed eating nice food by the seaside, snorkelling, walking by the sea and picking up seashells. tt's how life shld be. not very developed, but slow pace and happy. Thank you for the awesome trip guys though it's a short 2 days 2 night. with u guys it's always fun! 2 dives, 3 dives, many many many dives for u all! haha but congrats on getting the open water cert! Thank God I am able to make sucha great bunch of frens in my uni life thru hall (: They say it's hard to find lasting frens in uni, but I found mine! and I am glad I found them! we're embarking on different paths soon, but no matter what let's continue to hang out and keep in touch and be able to laugh and talk abt everything under the sun, HTHT like we always do! (: till ripe old age guys!

Zicheng also prepared a sweet surprise for me during the trip. finally revealing to me content of "cinderella xiu". a folder in his laptop that he refuses to let me see no matter what.. diary entries tt he kept of me, since our period of being uncertain more than a year ago. his thoughts and emotions tt he hope since then tt he'll be able to pass to me one day (: liasing with my frens to lit up the place w candles and doing a heart shape candle (thank u frens!) and showing me a powerpoint slide he prepared for me (: we've come a long way, he asked for my hand and we're officially together! (: Time for him to meet my family! (: As I thought abt our journey tgt, there's no doubt tt God's hand was working in bringing us tgt. From rejecting him and ignoring each other, to accepting him to be one of the closest person in my life! From not having any common frens to knowing each other frens and family. From being fearful and hurt to being freed and protected. Thank you God for seeing us through and for bringing us through all the trials and obstacles. Thank you for such a guy who chose to stand by me, despite all the difficulties and walls I was putting up.

And when I said: "Waa so many people like our changed status", he said "Enjoy the moment! it's going to be the last chance in your life for people to do tt alr! :)" that made me smile :)

Thank you Lord for ur love, grace and mercies to me through people and experiences in my life! Thank you for never forsaking me though I often forget abt you. I love you and I pray I will be able to serve u in a greater capacity, in whatever manner u call me to be <3

3 months break! Have an enjoyable holidays my frens! (:

2011-05-01T15:14:00.003+08:00

I have been crying alot these days..

For silly reasons. I feel so fat n ugly n un-beautiful. Not only on the outside but on the inside too.. I feel so ugly, unworthy n un-loving...

Alot of ppl have told me tt I have put on weight. I know tt for myself. Women know tt for themselves n dun need ppl to keep telling n reminding them. It hurts me esp so to hear it from my own family members. I cried cos I am in sch 5 days a wk n only am home during the wkends yet instead of saying nice things, everytime my mum sees me she would criticize me so badly. She forced me to take my weight n when i refused she hit me. I flared up n appeared frustrated n she said "u so soft one meh? if u r, u wont fight so hard w me over church." my sis tried to speak up for me only to say aft tt "oh, ur BMI is over 23? Then i cannot help u alrdy. For asian women, BMI above 23 is not acceptable. 25 is standard for western women. I hate teachers who visit my clinic n argue w me cos they think they r very knowledgeable." and only to comfort me after tt "we r not scolding u, just concern abt u" but really it didnt comfort much. I went back to my room to cry, I was upset w their comments but also w myself for flaring up n being upset over such a small issue. in my heart I am burdened by the question why! Why are ppl so concerned abt my weight! I have no problem w myself! But because ppl kept saying, it bothers me so much! Just because I gained weight I have to be criticized till like tt. I began to wonder abt those women who r more massive than me. What kind of criticism n embarrassment they must have felt their entire life! Must all women be aneroxic to meet the criteria of being pretty? Must women conform to the worldly standard in order to be viewed as beautiful?

I always have self esteem issues. But after my breakup, I felt a thousand times worse abt myself. But through the process, God made me realized I don't have to feel such ways. That I am beautiful in His eyes! So precious. So beautiful, beyond my comprehension. Not by any human Std, but He looks deep inside my heart where the treasures lie.

Women really dont need ppl to keep talking abt their weight as if it's something sinful. There's nth wrong w being a bit fatter, as long as we r leading a healthy lifestyle and is happy w life, we dun need others to keep saying things abt our weight or looks to diminish our self esteem.

It decreases our morale to keep fit. N it's really everything I learn in psych. How
labeling leads to self fulfilling prophecy. But before u judge ppl as lazy, do u know the fears n obstacles inside people's heart? For me my sis illness has really caused such an unknown impact on me. I m afraid to go out to the sun too often, even w sunblock. I was so afraid when my hands went weak during 8am lect. It's nt just abt my family criticizing me tt's making me upset. I tried to think abt the kind of impact hurtful words tt parents say can have impact on their children. Maybe because I study psych, when I see such phenomenons happening, I feel even more angry cos I know the kinds of impact children can have from such continual criticisms. I know I have a blessed family compared to others I have known abt. Yet such unharmful criticism hurts me so much, I can't imagine the kind of hurt n impact frens or my future students who have dysfunctional families might go thru, w criticisms n vulgarities being hurled at them ever so frequently.

Easter came n I cried n cried during the productions. Jesus died for us, regardless of whether we r fat or skinny, pretty or ugly, smart or dumb, able or disabled. He loves us all the same! He came to restore each and everyone of us back to His glory. He died for me! To let me know how much I am loved. Tt I am not an orphan and I should stop feeling like one. Each of us are fathered by Him. Tt made me cry!

Yest during service, I cried again. Studying soci and looking at all the GE stuff past few weeks have made one so skeptical abt everything tt is going on in this world! Everything can be broken down, even my faith. Everything in this world is so
Uncertain. And how everyone is so concerned abt GE and which party to cast the vote on n how it will determine our future.. But in God's presence I found my peace and comfort. Nth in this world mattered as much as He does. And just when I was so vexed abt who to vote, Gor said sth tt spoke to my heart. I told him my worries abt PAP n how I feel there shld be more checks n balances in the govt. But at the same time i feel opposition is not gd enough yet n our country might run into deficit if they carry on w all their proposed policies.. He told me he's just doing his duty as a responsible citizen n child Of God to find out what is happening ard the world, and he feels our current govt is so focused on economic progress, many ppl esp the youths are becoming so disoriented n family values r no longer impt. He told me our vote shld be based on what our priorities r. And ultimately he told me we dun have to worry so much abt the vote. whatever happens, God is still in control. So just cast the vote n dun worry so much..

And service was abt loving one another, to release all kinds of grudges or unhappiness we have of ppl, to let go. I guess letting go is the hardest thing to do. And I often do not know if I have let go completely. Cos when things happen, the unhappiness n grude will creep in once again n overtake my heart. I find it hard to initiate the 1st step. How to love like Jesus? Only the holy spirit can help us do tt.

God is taking me on a journey of self discovery. So tt I may proclaim n believe deep down in my heart that "I am beautiful" no matter what people say of my stature or weight or size. Thank you Waijia for ur amazing blog posts from Africa! It touched me so much! U r beautiful just like all the kids in Africa, doesn't matter what some people say, cos they dun matter anyway. And all of us ought to know exactly how beautiful we r!

Aurera
"Mind you, Pretty is a completely different word. Pretty is what you use to describe a vase, or a chandelier or something at the shop which catches your passing fancy. No girl really wants to be pretty as much as she wants to know she is Beautiful. No girl wants to be a passing vase, good to look at for a while. They want to know, that deep inside, something eternal about them has permeated their skin and overflowed out of their skin to be called Beautiful and worthy to be loved."

I love zicheng for always reassuring no matter how often I say I am fat n ugly in front of him. I love my brother for he understood me the moment I said I dun need one more person to tell me tt I have put on weight. For they love me for who I am and not how I look.

Lord make me realize how beautiful I am to u. Let me know from the depths of my heart ur love for me. Let nothing anyone says make me doubt myself or my worth. Help me trust in u n not be afraid of being under the sun. Nth will happen to me cos I m under ur protection. N if it does, everything happens for a reason and it is under ur control. Let me exercise not for the wrong reasons, but to keep fit because I love my body as ur temple. Let me not be so affected by the state of this world but trust u that how our nation turn out to be is exactly the way u plan it to be. Let me depend on u and feed on ur love daily Lord, for only u can fill the orphan in my heart. Let me always remember tt I am fathered by you!

Smile to u who is reading this post, for u r loved by God n u r beautiful!

2011-04-21T21:09:00.001+08:00

The last lap for honours!
xiu xiu go go go! (:
Pray for things to be settled on MOE's side, can be frustrating when coming to getting enquiries answered.
Been going for checkups, pray for body to be healthy!

Easter! Not about eggs and bunnies.
Jesus is the reason for the season!

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."
-John 3:16

2011-04-18T00:54:00.001+08:00

So faithful. So constant.
So loving and so true.
So powerful in all You do.

You fill me. You see me.
You know my every move
and You love for me to sing to You.

I know that You are for me.
I know that You are for me.
I know that You will never,
forsake me in my weaknesses

I know that You have come now,
even if to write upon my heart.
To remind me who You are.

So patient, So gracious,
So merciful and true…
So wonderful in all You do.
You know me. You see me.
You know my every move.
You love for me to sing to You

Lord, I know that You are for me.
I know that You are for me.
I know that You will never,
forsake me in my weaknesses.
I know that You have come now,
even if to write upon my heart.

To remind me that
I know that You are for me.
I know that You are for me.
I know that You will never,
forsake me in my weaknesses.
I know that You have come now,
even if to write upon my heart.
To remind me who You are.

I know that You are for me.
I know that You are for me.
I know that You will never,
forsake me in my weaknesses.
I know that You will come now,
even if to write upon my heart.
To remind me of who You are.

2011-03-27T00:46:00.001+08:00

Nice story (:

Often, our gifts and talents are more than what we think they are.. God our creator knows what we are really capable of doing! simply because He created us! and if we listen to His words and have faith in them, we can effectively exercise our gifts and talents to be a bigger and greater blessing to all those around us!

Have faith in God even when everyone around you does not believe in your visions or dreams! Rmb it doesnt matter what others think/say, only what God thinks and says matter! Because only what God thinks and says count! (:

It was a great service about thanksgiving, praise and worship and the power it holds to our future, to bind the devil and to set us free!

And a week that makes me really thankful to God for having frens, love you fren for just being my frens! (:

Let me stay close to you God! Greater things are yet to come! (:

2011-03-22T01:26:00.004+08:00

Saviour Please, Keep saving me...
I choose the Cross.

I CHOOSE LOVE!

Church moved to suntec. much changes and yet more things to overcome. but just like how God helped His people build His church in Solomon or Nehemiah's time, He will help us His people build City harvest too! The most impt thing is not the size or the facilities, but where God's presence is! And I thank God for being with us, for being with me.. For not forsaking me and being with me, even though many times, i have little faith and try to hide and run away from you and the challenges you gave me to face. Thank you for finding me, for saving me, for blessing me, for loving me, so that I know I am the happiest person that I can be, the past few years as a Christian, with You by my side..

Yesterday I confronted a huge huge giant! telling my parents about zc. Thank God it wasn't that difficult after all. I guess sometimes our fears just cause us to have too much assumptions about things, so much that it scares and paralyzes us. Yes, not all is good. There are definitely things to overcome and to gain acceptance in. But at least, no more need to hide.

Love is never easy. But never should we give up loving. Love causes to have courage to do many things we think we are unable to do. against all power and obstacles, for our love and convictions (: But isnt it true that often we dare to fight so hard for what we love, because we are first being loved? because we see a value in what we are fighting for? Thank you for standing by me even though I made you wait for me and for this for so super long (:

In my fights in life, I really thank God for supportive frens and siblings (: I love my Gor and I love my Da Jie. I thank God for being with me and always making a way for me when I come to the end of myself. It may be uncomfortable and changes are never easy, but it is much better that our lives are out in the light for persecutions and for correction; than in the dark. At least we would truly know who our enemies are and we know what we are fighting against. And I thank God for your encouragement and love towards me.. It's your turn now, jia you my dearest Gor! (:

And to end with a note from Mother Teresa:

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.

How true. It is between you and God, never between you and them anyway.

And let's pray for Japan! For every life that was gone and for every life that is surviving. God bless Japan...

2011-03-12T15:27:00.002+08:00

There's a brave lion inside everyone of us.. one that wants to stand up for what it is right...

but often this lion is being tamed by FEAR. Fear of judgments, of disappointments, of unanticipated consequences, of others, of self..

FEAR grips us, paralyzes us and stop us from achieving what we want to achieve. Fear sets a high wall between our dreams and reality... between what we can achieve and what we think we can achieve..

How do I break down this fear? to release that lion? how to break down this irritating, unnecessary, false idea that keeps deceiving me that I cannot be who I want to become, achieve what I want to achieve.. that I am lousy and inferior.. that crushes and paralyzes me from within..

Faith. I've known all along about the power of faith in driving away all fear. but it's hard to apply it. knowing is never the same as applying and making it part of my life. By myself, I will never be able accomplish anything much. For I know myself best. I've seen how I handle things. I am a girl who wants to shine and do great things yet when difficult times come, I retreat to my comfort zone, become afraid and passive and want to be an ostrich, thinking that by hiding from my troubles, there is no trouble.

it's time I learn to release faith, to drive away fear and to release the brave lion within me... Perfect love drives out all fear. How to do that? To have faith in that perfect love.. Jesus. That Jesus can drive out all fear..

The wicked man flees though no one pursues, but the righteous are as bold as a lion. -Prov 28:1-

2011-03-10T02:11:00.002+08:00

The past week haven exactly been the best week one would ask for..
So much things that happened, so much things to go through...
But still want to thank God for seeing me through and helping me see myself better...
I know I am not exactly the best person around...
I know myself when I have lousy thoughts about people and about things.. my imperfect side..No one likes being someone who is fearful, critical, mean, self justified or selfish about things, I pray for a bigger heart to accept all the injustice,unfairness and discomfort that I sometimes have to go through in life.
And I really am thankful for people who would stand by me even when I am in my worst. It's hard to find those frens who would always be there and I'll hold them close to my heart.
I pray to be free.. to be broken from all these chains in my life.. cos I want to be free in the light and stop being fearful and ashame of my dreams, and always trying to conceive or search my ways in the dark.. trying to make things work by myself.. stay in the light so that God can guide me through this dark path..

2011-03-04T20:07:00.002+08:00

You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.
- Psalms 56:8

For I have you to comfort when I am sad, but what about those who do not have you, who can they turn to?
For I am blessed. Comfort her oh God, open the eyes of the blind so that they may see the truth!
No more avoiding because of fear.. Lord you break us down in order to lift us up! Help me overcome.. Help me keep my faith God and I know All things will work together for the good of my household!!

2011-03-03T10:44:00.000+08:00

Do not be anxious about anything but in ALL things by prayers and supplications, present your request to God

And we know that ALL things work together for the good for those who loves Him, who are the called according to His purpose

"As heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts," says the Lord

Let ALL things work together for the good Lord, let me trust in you.. I have just read "Have a little faith", dint I? Let me have a little more faith... Love you Jesus.. ALL things will work together for the good...

Honours, summer programme, Special Sem, NIE appointment, overseas trip, breakthrough with mum... everything clashes, everything are so uncertain... Lord, somethings I need to do... Others, I just need to stop wanting to take full control of the wheel.. yes we will feel scared and anxious not being in full control, not knowing what's gonna happen... but let me have the faith to allow you to take charge and hang on tight at the backseat while you bring me on this shaky journey to discover more about myself and the purpose You have for my life... And I will emerge through it ALL being MORE than a conqurer..

If God You brought me to it, You will surely see me through it... And I know you are a GOOD God, not a God who has come to steal and rob and to destroy, but one who has come to give me a hope and a future... to become the person You want me to become, to live up to the purpose that You have for my life.. I need to have a little more courage, have a little more faith in the Lord!!! surrender and lift it ALL to Him, and live it ALL for Him!! :)

2011-02-22T14:54:00.006+08:00

Surreal.

"This is so surreal."

That's all we kept saying. "This is so surreal."

In fact, those 5 days were all surreal. They whizzed past us like a blur in a vintage film. You had been there and but then, here. You had been far and then, near.

"This is so surreal."
And we both felt special.

I guess I couldn't really believe you were here. It was the first time we met. We were like strangers and yet old friends. We were living in perfectly different galaxies, and yet, like stars which collided.

"I am so excited about coming to see you," you'd said. I wasn't sure if I could say the same. I was, but I was also, scared. Scared sh*tless, as I would have said before, but now don't, because you think that is a bad word to say.

I guess you were different. I'd never had anyone have so much guts to do what you did and say what you said. You said some pretty crazy things to me, all right. After almost 400 emails over about a year, you flew halfway across the world to see someone you hadn't met but believed would be worth your effort- me.

I said you were CRAZY. You agreed. And wrote -" :o) "

Over the past year, people kept asking me if I was seeing anybody. I said no. Not even remotely? I said no. Because technically speaking, we hadn't seen each other before.

Days before we actually met, you were in Cambodia for a mission trip because you have a real heart for the children suffering there in that dark, ravaged country. You wrote, "We're in the same time zone now :0) It feels so near, and yet, still so far!"

Haven't we been like this for the past year or so? So far and yet near. Strangers and yet friends. Light years apart and yet found in starburst collision.

I told you to GO AWAY. Because I didn't see where this would go. This was like some freak online accident that we crossed each other's cyber paths. Just because we both happened to enjoy triathlon, and longterm missions and helping the poor. Your blog, my blog. Your life, my life. Your world, my world.

Reality check. We live in different time zones. We have different lives. I could be a complete ogre. You could be a serial stalker.

But you never gave up. "Can I come?"

"NO. Maybe we should stop writing. I don't see where this is going."

Well I guess I put it more civilly. But not at first. I was mean to you at first.

There was something about you that kept me writing. Something other than your persistence about writing to me daily with imperfect grammar even though I said I was busy. It was something about your having liver cancer before when you were 10, then undergoing a liver transplant, believing in God, doing an Iron Man event (3.9km swim, 180km bike ride and a full marathon) and then giving it all up to pursue a life in longterm missions to help children involved in the sex slave trade in Cambodia.

It was something about your zeal to encourage others with your life story- through interviews by the media or through your writing. It was something about your radical pursuit to find God in your writing, something about your resilience and passion and craziness and sense of adventure to do all this and more. It was something about your forthcomingness and persistence.

It was something about your life which was so different and yet so similar to mine.

"It's like he's living a life parallel to yours in a different world, isn't it?" said a friend.

NO, I said. NO. You cannot come. My friends would think I was crazy. My church mentors would think I was irresponsible and worse, frivolous.

You never pushed to come. You prayed. That was all. And you were persistent.

You said you had a dream. That God told you Something. I remember laughing when I read that. Other boys have said the same thing to my girlfriends. Like, whatever! ONLINE FREAKHEAD!

Then something in the cosmos must have shifted. Because when I finally told my dad and my church pastors and my friends about my email pal from Canada, they all wanted to meet you. They would disown me if I didn't.

That night before you arrived, I couldn't sleep. I was so stressed out.

I was late in picking you up at the airport. I was half-running, half-skipping, my eyes scanning furiously for a glimpse of you, half wondering if this were all a dream. You watched me from behind, recognised my dress from a previous photo, then came close to call my name and I was totally freaked out. I jumped as I cupped my mouth. IT'S YOU, OH MY GOSH, YOU'RE HERE. And you laughed.

Well, what was I expecting?

We were strangers and yet not. I had heard your voice over the phone twice. I had received lots of your photos and videos. We were a cyber accident.

We had steamboat with my family that night. My dad was amused. We talked lots. After our morning jog to the beach together the next day, we plonked ourselves on a quiet spot underneath a tree.
"This is my scar."

A Mercedes-benz scar. That's what they call the tri-star shaped scar after a liver transplant in medical school. It was awesome, gloriously emblazoned across your chest like a shield, even larger and starker than I had imagined it to be. A scar- the mark of battle, and victory.

"Kids love to touch it haha."

I felt it for myself.

The next day, we had dessert and tea at Canele, a lovely place you chose, one of those places I have always been dying to go but think too expensive ($8.50 for a piece of cake- garh!). You ordered my fruit tea- I was surprised you knew exactly what I wanted. That night, we went for my birthday gathering. All my friends wanted to meet you. I let you pick my dress. Sunday was meant to be our last day before you headed back to your world.

You came to church. My pastors wanted to have lunch with you- they were so intrigued. You came to sunday school and little Aaron asked, "JIEJIE WAIJIA WHERE ARE YOU AND YOUR BOYFRIEND GOING?!"

I was so embarrassed. "He's not my boyfriend, Aaron."

"HUH?? JIEJIE WAIJIA WHERE ARE YOU AND YOUR BOYFRIEND GOING?!"

"He's NOT my boyfriend!" I was turning red.

"Yea, she's too smart for me!!" You were grinning and grinning and grinning, repeating what Aaron said and teasing me. I whisked off, feeling very very embarrassed, ignoring you.

We were strangers and yet not.

You kept grinning and I walked off.

We walked around the city and I showed you all the places I hung out at.

"This is so surreal."

"Yea, I know. I can't believe you're here. You're crazy."

"Yea, I know. Hey look at that statue," you said.

"Pretty, isn't it?" I replied. It was a beautiful brass statue of a vine, and two birds perched on a branch, built on the lobby of a beautiful new hotel. "You leave tomorrow," I said.

"Too soon. Do you know, I never say goodbye. I don't like byes, I tend to say, See you! See you later!"
I laughed. What nonsense. I was going to say BYE to you. This was a freak accident. I only let you come because they all said it was okay- I can't believe they did! (Am I the only conservative, rational person here?!) I had been praying for a long time. I was really scared. I wanted to shut down and run away and say this was crazy. You were crazy. What's so special about me? I still think you are.

One day while cycling, I had an epiphany- just the day before someone lectured me about not letting God direct me to the mountains He had planned for me because I kept wanting to be in control. I was riding in the darkness by myself, and then I realised... your name means Mountain. Sort of.

So I let you come. I didn't tell you this at the time.

The weekend passed like an old vintage film playing at high speed-everything was a continuous blur. There were rainbow balloons and raspberry teas and soy lattes and desserts after meals. There were places you said you wanted to go to but we didn't have time to. "Hey, let's go to that Japanese deli place," you said.

But you had to go.

"Don't say bye! Say see you!!" You insisted.
I would always say BYE.

On Monday morning, your plane never took off. The engine stalled. You had to stay for another day.

"This is even more surreal than the first time we met." I said.

You were happy about the unfortunate incident. I would have been mad had I been in your shoes. They put you up at a hotel. Of all hotels, it was the one where we saw the statue of the vine and the birds.

That evening, you came to the hospital to have dinner with me because we were having lectures till night time. It was late. You had to go.

"Bye!" I said.

"NO! SEE YOU LATEEERRR!!!" You grinned. You have a wide smile.

"What later?" I chuckled. "Bye!" I rolled my eyes. Time to send you back to Beaverland far, far away. I say goodbye often, and am used to them. But you don't like them at all.

The next day, your plane took off indeed, but you didn't. They had messed your ticket up with someone else's. So you had to stay.

AGAIN.

It was hilarious. And frustrating. And beautiful, all at the same time.

"Oh my gosh. Now nothing surprises me anymore," I said in disbelief. "First you showed up here. Then your plane didn't take off and now this?"

"Though it was unfortunate, I really enjoyed the extra time we had," you texted.

You always put things in words. I sometimes don't. But you always, always do.

I arranged dinner for you that night with a Cambodian missionary of some sort, because I thought you might like to meet him. But he backed out because his kid got into a soccer accident. You bought me dinner at the japanese deli place we wanted to go to originally days ago. They were playing Googoo dolls, music we both liked. We talked about Bad Cheesecake and Evil Eggplants! :D We had awesome dessert. It just so happens we both love black sesame paste. We went back to my place. Grandpa Zhou was there.

You plopped down right next to him, and you both chatted enthusiastically and endlessly in Cantonese.

"Why are you here in Singapore?" Grandpa Zhou asked you in Cantonese, in your native language because you were born in Hong Kong. I didn't understand, and he had to translate it for me.

"To visit her," you said, laughing because I didn't know what you were saying to him in Cantonese, and pointed at me.

"When are you coming back?" he asked.

"When she allows me to. When God allows me to. But first, the question should be, when am I leaving!"
We laughed. And I was tearing because I had never seen anyone speak to Grandpa Zhou on those dirty train steps with such carefree humility and genuinity and authentic connectedness. And the two of you were shocked at my tears.

I never quite explained my tears. You were shocked and worried. It's just that, all these months and years when I sat next to Grandpa Zhou on those dirty train steps in my sophisticated working clothes with my given-to-me branded handbag tolerating the stares of passers-by and feeling that nobody understood my heart, I never thought anyone would understand. I had had friends who talked to Grandpa Zhou before, but you could tell, it was awkward for them, a new experience, they were finding their way through this new connection and there would occasionally be an air of unfamiliarity, caution and distance. I thought about the previous guy who lined his car with a sheet when we drove him home that day because Grandpa Zhou smells. I was so mad with him-not anymore, though.

But there was none of that with you. There you were, sitting at my spot, laughing and talking like I did. I never thought someone like you existed. It was such a huge encouragement.

Months ago I had told Grandpa Zhou about you before. I said I had an email-pal who wanted to come visit for some crazy unimaginable reason. He said NO. It was dangerous. You might be a freakhead. A stalker. Some pervert. But there he was enjoying your company.

"Zhou yeye," I said. "This is him."

It felt so surreal.

Jo says it's like a fairytale how this all happened. I said it's crazy. She says it's just like how everything in my life has been anyway- surreal and crazy, full of random strangers walking into my life and leaving indelible impressions, so this doesn't surprise her one bit.

"BYE!" I said again. "Don't jinx yourself! I don't wanna hear where you want to take me for our next meal, what hotel here is nice and I don't wanna hear See you later! JUST GO!!"

We laughed. For the third time. Just go.

"NO! SEE YOU LATERRRR! I'm gonna come back to see you, and I'm gonna pray and seek God first."
It feels like we are living on borrowed time. Borrowed, because you should have died 20 years ago with that liver cancer, and I should have died 4 years ago when the terrible illness happened. Borrowed, because you tell me nobody knows how long you have to live, and some girl in your past didn't get together with you with you because of that. Borrowed, because your longterm medication has its own jamut of side effects and every day is a precious day.
Cyclosporine. It's a little capsule you take twice a day. I know all its side effects well. Hypertension, diabetes, kidney failure, gum hypertrophy, hirsutism, obesity. You've been doing so well because of your disciplined training. And like Grandpa Zhou, you've stopped drinking alcohol completely because of me.
We are living on borrowed time. Borrowed, because every day of your life is a miracle. You should have been dead. They gave you 3 to 6 months to live, and they found out about the cancer by accident- you had no symptoms whatsoever at the time.
We are living on borrowed time, because your first plane wouldn't fly and the second one flew off without you. God gave us two extra days-our 2 last days were agreeably the best time we had.

We are living on borrowed time. Time which isn't ours.
It feels so surreal.

It's like a fairytale.

Now go.

And I'll see you when I see you.

www.kitesong.blogspot.com
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One of the loveliest love story I've heard and it's even more beautiful because it is the life of somebody real and not fictional... I do am excited to hear how things would turn out between waijia and this penpal God has arranged (:

Everyday God writes out His love through stories of relationships between people! I do admire Waijia alot for her courage to do many things that not many have the courage to do... Or simply availing ourselves to do so... Many times we are too busy caught in this rat race of the world... getting good grades, climbing up the social ladder, being too caught up in activities (sometimes even religious ones) and making ourselves happy.. that we fail to pause to appreciate this beautiful world God has created or sit down amongst people to listen and to serve them...

God. Oh how great a plan you have for each and everyone of us... so great that we cannot decipher.. but seldom we are willing to surrender the plans that we have for our own lives, be willing to subject ourselves in uncomfortable circumstances and live our lives just for u...

I need to stop being such a sloth... Comfortable in my own comfort zone... refusing to move or to do anything, for fear of disappointments/failures or sometimes simply LAZINESS!... truth is if we never move, God cant move... And we will forever be stuck in this status quo and stagnant stage... gripped by fear/hurt/anger/self pity... But when we move, then God can release His blessings and purpose into our lives... it's okay to fall and be hurt and cry sometimes... it's okay... Like what Emily always say: ALL IS WELL, YOU ARE LOVED!

Nothing is ever too great for God to handle... He is master of reversal, of turning seemingly impossible things around for us, that we may always know that He is GOD and rejoice in His greatness and goodness.. Nothing! Nothing is ever too great for God to handle...

...And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow--not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love.... - Romans 8:38-

May we always march on in faith and courage and never grow weary of doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart!

And updates since start of 2011...

Gold for swimming IHG! Enjoy training in the holidays with this great bunch of people doing my favourite sport, Swimming! (:

Er jie's wedding with Gundy! Prewedding dinner at Le Bistrot, solemnization at National Museum and dinner St Regis! (: With cute wedding car, cool nerdy/retro theme, funny wedding video and touching speech...

Chinese New Year! Chinatown with hall frens! And lots of steamboats, bakwas and titbits, eat till we burst! and cute nephews and nieces to keep us entertained! (:

Bidding my dear noob fren off to SEP

And vday with frens love and a sweet surprise arranged just for me (:

Things to look forward to:

- Recess week! Cap 4.5!

- Shift to our new church building at Suntec! God is goood! (:

- Start of a new relationship!

- More time to love and serve other people!

So till the next time when I am free to blog, Goodbye! (:

And dear reader! do u happen to be my brother?? my guess... haha! (:

2011-01-05T01:02:00.010+08:00

Thoughts...
Haven blogged for very long..
2010 is gone and here comes 2011...
Every year presents itself in a new and exciting way to me ever since I received Christ..
May I say that 2010 was a year of many breakthroughs for me..
and thus also particularly challenging in many ways to me..
Let me try to recall my year..

2010, started itself with me getting over a past rs, feeling much better, less crying till no crying..
God mends all broken heart and He does it much faster and better than if I have done it by my own strength I am sure... And thinking back, I dont know how I can do any of it without Him, being at the bottom pit of my life, never feeling so devastated before.. But looking back, I know it's all to make me stronger..

And a gift of a new guy God has in stored for me.. zicheng a great great support who saw me through my many challenges, ups and downs.. who accepted me in many ways which I expect any guy to have flee.. but he held on nonetheless.. We are imperfect in many ways, but a rs with christ in the centre is like 2 sinners at the foot of the cross.. out of God's world, we are nth, nth holds for sure.. but all from God.. repentance and prayers and trusting Him to blossom the rs.. Love is patient.. (:

JCRC.. dedicating most of my energy and time during my 1st half of the year as cultural director,giving so much and neglecting so much of other stuff.. the whole pressure of being asked to run for president.. i must say i experienced much from JCRC.. but it was nothing like 30th council.. I guess nth can ever replace 30th in my heart! (: and maybe cultural was sth totally new for me.. it drained alot from me being in JCRC.. so much tt i seem to lose myself n my priorities.. lowest in cap and so little time for frens.. but still i wont say i regret being part of this team.. I learned things as well and one of the greatest gift from being in JCRC was Anne Tan (: being able to work with her, share my probs and being close to her through our sharings and bible studies tgt (: A great sister I've found through it all.. The only thing that was probably lasting..

My second trip back to COSI cambodia, it was a refreshing trip.. I will never forget being on the bus, taking the 1 hour bumpy trip into the orphanage.. nostalgia and excitement that fills my heart, of seeing the kids after hours of flight.. with sister germ and julie, 2nd time with me (: sister mango shimin, brother soksam samuel, brother rifdi, brother junfu and brother zee zicheng (: so much more done this time.. placards to teach, stationaries, whiteboards and chairs, clothes books bags and toys we brough along, brushing teeth sessions with toothbrushes and toothpastes, videos and photo montage for them to keep as memory.. I dont know when I will be able to go back there again, but I will not forget the amazing kids and ah gong ah ma whom I got to know this time round... an amazing godly couple who showed me the sacrificial love of God through their love to the kids.. and their testimony of God's work in their life.. and not forgetting memorable vietnam trip with super delicious red bean drink, saigon hospital... motorbike incidents every few min.. glimpse of the kind of healthcare they received over there.. mekong delta, chuchi.. land of fruits and vegetable.. tourguide tt looks like mango mango mango.. pho hoa tourguide etc..

Orientation.. my 1st arts camp in my 3rd year which was quite enjoyable! I will esp rmb the day where we tricked the poor boy tt we were all from diff og during intrahouse bonding.. and he felt super cheated after tt.. haha and all the interesting cheers! (: and psych camp orientation acting as lola bunny, a narcissistic compulsive gambler. and hall orientation.. every year diff for me.. 1st yr as freshie, 2nd yr as thoc, this yr as a full time counsellor.. elpia with great spirit and my brother shouting his lungs out for kratos.. having my bro here in orientation with me was love (: i appreciate how he come all the way to hall for me, though i know it is not his cup of tea! and agreeing to do rag and be poseidon coz i was athena.. and an achievement tt he managed to stay half a sem.. haha! i love my brother (:

Many 21st bdays parties.. celebrate the milestone of my frens life, visited unique places and met frens of frens.. And my own 21st... no big parties like tt of my frens, so receiving most wishes on fb and sms.. maybe not liking crowd as much as I do when I grow up? But I enjoyed mine.. which I will rmb many yrs to come.. A simple one with my family and grandparents at 10@ claymore which I randomly chose because of discount I get to enjoy haha.. but i am surprised how my gugus msged me to wish me days before and tell me how my grandparents are happy i invited them along to celebrate with them.. to me tt was joy (: then a simple one put tgt by my hall frens.. Applebee at somerset triple 1... photo montage tt qi made for me which was very nice with msges at the back.. (: nice cupcakes that fel and dc baked for me.. and jeremy and may treating me for tt meal.. Amazing race from zc.. bouquet of flower, which I realized after that he fell into the drain while getting it for me.. french fries to give me energy as I walked from hall to PGP to west coast, finding clues and my present and ending with a huge surprise for me at west coast, the place that was special to him cos that was where he received christ.. the candles that he was trying to keep alive while waiting for me to arrive..

and on the actual day having the privilege to spend it in church and celebrating at fish and co. with edmund, shirley and dirissa (: of cos post celebration with claire, noob and cm, and universal studios with luis shihui and zc which must be the most memorable one though not in a good way! hahaa.. cos we got accused of doing sth we did not do and was chased out.. but apart from tt horrible experience with USS, it was otherwise a great day spent tgt with them (:
My thoughts on 21st, or bdays in general.. I guess we all want bdays that are amazing.. nth wrong.. and it shld be a day to enjoy blessings and love from friends and family.. yet I feel sad at the complains tt ppl may have after tt because of disappointments and expectations.. or doubts in friendships which I dont think is justifiable based on 1 bday.. I dunno I just always feel tt the weight of any friendship shld not be weighed upon how much was done for a bday.. why shld the things being done on a bday be more impt than the things that were done on any ordinary day.. shldnt that be done on an ordinary day be more significant, since it was out of the norm? maybe cos my bday always fall on exams period.. so i dun really get to celebrate much.. and i know of ppl who simply could not afford to have enough to have grand parties or any party at all.. because their money must be put to better use.. of everything tt was so simple over there in COSI, I hear of how the kids would be jealous when some kids gets celebration over another.. the intention being good because alot of kids have bday in tt month.. but it was viewed as favouritism by others.. and ah ma being sensitive to the fact and stop all bday celebrations because not all kids can have and simply giving them a set of old pajamas to them on their bday.. tt alrdy being a luxury to them, and to us here in SG, a party is really a luxury that some have that others cant, which is quite sad to think abt sometimes.. the difference in social class.. and so my view of bdays become less impt over the years.. Bday is really more of a day of thanksgiving.. for the years of life, love and friendship... In sec 4 I rmb I would still feel really upset for the whole day when my close friends forget to wish me on the dot at 12 midnight, and turn out they really forgot because of exams.. but now, I guessed no longer.. I'll undstd when frens forget, because I forget sometimes too.. and it's sad tt because of how advance we have progressed, we have to start depending on facebook to rmb or to know abt one's bday.. no longer making extra making the usual extra effort to try to rmb.. less personal i would feel.. I myself am guilty sometimes.. most of the bday dates I can rmb are those of my family, close sec sch and some JC frens.. and myself face the anxiety before bday.. but I learnt to take it with a pin chang xin.. and it really helps because bdays has become much more enjoyable for me ever since, with no expectations and hence no disappointments.. but I dunno if this change of attitude towards bday has resulted in me neglecting many frens bdays or maybe not meeting their expectations.. sometimes i wonder.. and if it really did, i apologize.. but I never did love any friends less because of bdays..

Breakthrough in my church going.. particularly self defeated and angry with God at one point of time this year.. feeling isolated and that God is not helping me and everything was agst me.. that nobody really did care abt that which was impt to me.. never asking me how I really was doing or what I really wanted.. yet at the same time, no longer really knowing what my convictions are.. heart grown cold.. took me so much courage to step out once again to fight, to confront my mum about my church issue.. it has been such a long battle.. 4 yrs since i knew God, 3 yrs since i started church.. on off church attendance, being over the moon for opportunites i had for christmas or easter... finding especially hard to defy my mum to fight for sth i really want, and the both of us ending up being emotionally broken each time.. the fears, the pressures, the hurt, the injuries inflicted, the unforgiveness and bitterness.. But God made a way, He really did when I finally stepped forward to talk to my mum.. Things are so much easier for me now, though I still carry fear week after week before I go out, but the objections are so much less.. hittings, emotional blackmails and threats to occassional scoldings and phonecall.. all for the best isnt it? (: and no doubts I still love my mum, even if we may have issues with church.. and it was because of tt tt i feel so torn all the time.. and my 1st christmas in city harvest church after 3 years... and 1st friend I brought with me to the place that mattered to me.. thanks for coming Dom, I hope u enjoyed urself.. you dont know how much it meant to me tt u came (: And thank God for helping me assimilate back to cell, my fears of fitting in, of their understanding and judgement and all.. are all unneccessary.. how could I let myself be decieved by the lies of devil that I will be alone, with no one to support or understand me.. I am so grateful for all the love and acceptance tt I have received from cell so far, esp when I feel so unworthy.. but let me not forget the main reason for wanting to go church, for God.. which I guess if I did not go through all these persecutions I will be so prone to take for granted given my imperfect nature.. and not forgetting multiplication of cell grp, following shiming after 3 yrs with wayne.. gor gor's and zc's baptism and 2 bible studies session I completed.. christian lifestyle and Foundational truth 1 (:

and my family.. rs much better with mummy, with my dearest da jie and jiefu moving back home with us and able to see my cute little naughty nephew tao tao every so often and celebrating his 1st year bday (: and never forgetting the passing away of ah po..

studies with exciting modules like group dynamics.. with baking and taboo game.. and understanding universe with meteoriod experiment..

and a sem of level of great A2 love (: with huiping, suying, qi, anne, heon and pingsiew.. greatest level spirit in my hall life thus far (:

21km run! which was a once in a life time (dying) experience for me! haha.. but i wont mind going another time except i have a huge huge inertia and i promise to train up more this time round..

and my teaching attachment at ECPS, doing a project on their continual below average maths PSLE results, meeting really great teachers who inspired me, looking forward to my future teaching career and opening up my options of teaching in primary school..

So I guess tt's it, the major few events I could think of this year.. 2011 will be a greater year yet for me.. God always move me from glory to glory.. The year will be exciting starting with my er jie's wedding in less than 2 weeks time, the 2nd wedding in my house.. new changes, new responsibilities.. esp being 21, a reminder that I am an adult that I have to bear the consequences of all the choices I made in life.. frens going for sep and some others ending their studies and returning, many breakthroughs that I am still awaiting.. spiritual life.. cell grp and ministry in church, studies.. honours year and future career directions, rs with zc, family and friends.. And I believe I will have a great story to tell in another year's time! (:

2010-11-23T02:13:00.003+08:00

To glorify you.. To be such a great testimony for you amongst my family and friends!
To prepare myself to be a good teacher equipped with knowledge for my students in future
So that I can teach them well and teach them in your love...
Not for myself.. but for your kingdom..
Help me check my heart..
Lord, see me through...
Trust you with my honours!
I will do so well for this semester! Super semester!
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!
And because in you I will be the head and not the tail, above and not be beneath!
Lord, I feel alil anxious but let me submit all my upcoming papers into your precious hand and trust in you!
You've seen me through so far this sem, surely you wont let me go in this last lap. you've seen me through so far in my uni education, surely u will see me through it all!
Love you Jesus<3

2010-11-10T12:13:00.005+08:00

God is slow to anger, but does it mean He doesn't get angry? No. It's just that He has the capacity to withhold Himself.
Yes, God is abounding in love, but does it mean He doesn't feel loneliness or heartaches? No. He just loves in spite of everything.

God is all powerful. Yet His heart is so broken. Why?

Because He gave it to us. :')

Love covers a multitude of sins.
Love overcomes all.

"Anyone who does not love (Agape) does not know God, because God is Love (Agape)"

It's not just talking about how much you love someone.
But how HARD you love them.

Those who think that love is just bliss without sacrifices, without heartaches, without pain DOES NOT know God! Because they're unable to feel the pain, the heart of Jesus!

I dun desire for beds of roses.. Just true love..
Teach me how to love like you do Jesus...
To keep my focus on you..
To love you more and more..
Because at the end of it all..
Only your love can satisfy me..
And only you can understand and accept me..

2010-11-10T00:06:00.002+08:00

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you
-Eph 4:32

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
-Col 3:13

He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends -Proverbs 17:9

Anger is cruel and fury overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy? Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.
-Prov 27:4-6

2010-11-02T01:58:00.002+08:00

major slp deficit but xiu is soooo relieved and happy she completed her 40% Understanding Universe grp and indv essay! so tedious... esp when not everyone in the grp is as committed coz they intend to S/U. even breaking down coz i feel so stress over such simple expeiments! it's def quite a memorable experience.. but really really thank God for seeing me through.. Thank you zc for helping me so much, patiently explaining all the physics concept to me, helping me with my essay and even doing experiment with me to show me how volume on an object is constant regardless of mass... really really am so thankful to have you! if not i will cui in this mod.. exactly what did i learn last time in pri and sec? i think i've forgotten everything alrdy.. haha, super bad! 1 more test, 1 more presentation and 1 more essay! and then 2 more weeks to exams.. 1 more month to holidays and only a few more days to my 21st bday.. but weirdly i dun feel the excited bday is coming feeling.. not with so much deadlines down my breathe... but just a simple one with my loved ones.. and thanksgiving to God for seeing me through 21 years of my life, and xiu is a very blessed and happy girl (:

And the cosi cambodia kids letters to sister sa-at made my day! (: so many of them!<3<3
Simplicity is the best! And I miss the kids very very much! (:

2010-10-14T03:48:00.002+08:00

And a huge happy 21st birthday to my dearest qiqi!
My best neighbour and fren!
Cant wait for ur bday celebration and stayover!
Love you loads! <3<3

2010-10-13T00:34:00.001+08:00

The thing I find hard to do with my family... to press into their lives and share about mine, to let my life be so open for them to see.. fear of them not being able to accept who i really am in front of God, who I am to my frens, my likes, my dislikes, my life and the things that would affect me, that would make me happy or cry... fear of being criticized, of being judged... fear of sharing this faith I have that transformed my life, about Jesus who is so real in my life and all that He has done for me.. fear of being tongue tied of what to say in front of them, constantly having to search for things to talk about, realizing i m so quiet and uncomfortable of who i m in front of them yet unable to break through that mask...

perhaps all these because they are the people who matter most to me. how they think of me affects me more than any other frens do. how i would be so affected, break down and cry over them or about situations I am stuck in with them more than anybody else, when I am alone under the refuge of God's arm... remembering how God bottles up my every tears each time I cry... yet unable to express it, being fearful of expressing it.. it all seems so hard to me.. when it's actually so easy.. just be myself, no pretence, speak of the truth, be unafraid to share who I really am to them whether anot they may approve/disapprove.. coz it's more damaging for me to be someone I am not or do things against my own nature just to please them.. but of course doing all these lovingly, letting them know I still love them even when there's disagreement. That I find it hard, to fight for things that I hold dear. To be unafraid to show them who I really am...

Lord, help me breakthrough. I know it's time I grow up and step out of this comfort zone. with er jie's marriage in less than 4 months.. with me graduating in less than a year or 2... with me getting married in another few years' time, leaving my parents and forming my own family... I need to step out and be an adult. no longer the protected little xiao mei under my parent's arms, even though I'll always be one in their eyes... to be proactive in building a rs with my parents, initiative to call and go out and talk to them.. initiative to honour them with my finances.. to shower them with more love and let them know I will be here to take care of them..

Lord, relationship precedes ministry.. help me Lord. show me how to love with the love you've given me...

2010-10-03T22:29:00.001+08:00

My sacrifices to you: a contrite spirit, a trusting heart, a willing attitude, my time, my prayers, my tears..

Your sacrifices to me: Jesus on the cross, EVERYTHING I could ask for in my life..

Lord, too many times I turn my face away from thee, many times I fall because I see my problems bigger than you, forgetting tt u r the mighty God tt everything happens because of your permission n nothing is too difficult for you.. But Lord no matter how many times or how badly I fell, you never ever let me go..

Lord, here I come once again, surrendering all tt I have at ur altar, giving u all I have in exchange of all of you.. Lord I believe tt u will deliver me just like how u deliver the children of Isreal, tt u will fulfill all your promises just like how ur words never fail, tt u'll restore all rs when all seem hard n difficult.

Jesus, my little prayer.. The one thing I ask that I may dwell in your house forever.

Love, your beloved child,
Xiu

2010-09-17T14:06:00.002+08:00

RISK

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool

To weep is to risk appearing sentimental

To reach out for another is to risk involvement

To expose your feelings is to risk exposing your true self

To place your ideas, your dreams, before a crowd is to risk their loss

To love is to risk not being loved in return

To live is to risk dying

To hope is to risk despair

To try is to risk failure

But risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.

People who risk nothing do nothing, have nothing, and are nothing.

They may avoid suffering and sorrow, but they cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love or live.

Chained by their attitudes, they are slaves, for they have forfeited their freedom.

Only a person who risks is free.

2010-09-13T02:17:00.002+08:00

I completed my first 21km today at army half marathon! (:
i still rmb a year ago when i said i would like to run 21k this year coz i saw waijia's post on how she completed it..
never would i think i acty complete 21k this year.
thanks to zc who insisted on signing me up for it few months ago.
though i was prepared mentally. but physically i was not very prepared, but nevertheless i am thankful that we completed the race tgt (: and for the effort of trying to prepare for the race..
puking, kept looking for toilets, experiencing sore and aches on our legs yet keep going on, catching up with xiao pangs and clown pink shoe guy..
it's def once-in-a-lifetime exp. and I thank You for going thru it tgt with me.
We werent really the best participants ard. haha! no wonder my frens were so worried. which made me feel very loved. (:
but it's the journey that counts really (: the journey does seems like the journey of life isnt it? our journey with God. the only way out is to keep going forward, be it to walk or to run. sometimes we get tired. we reach a standstill. we just want to sit by the roadside and curse the kerb or whatsoever random things. but at the end. the only way out is still to pick ourselves up to continue the journey forward. there's no turning back, just keep going forward...

and God's creation is so beautiful. i dun think there's much chances tt i acty get to see the morn sky in spore in town like tt. compared to flyers or IR or any other buildings, the vast sky and beautiful clouds and beautiful colours of the sunrise beats the structures a hundred times. which made me miss cambodia's sun rise and sunset. coz i could really see the fields and sky without any buildings blocking my view. God's creation is still the prettiest, unbeatable, uncomparable.

So yes i completed 21k. so what if i took 4 hours! i managed to complete it anw (: (: (: next run soon? we'll see.. haha!

aching leg and body! but back to exercise routine once i recover (: salonpas massage at the end point was super shiok. i got such a great massager. coz when anne and heon completed their 2nd round, the man was still massaging for me! so very shiok (:

And back home taotao is so adorable. how he smile till I cant see his eyes everytime he sees me. making super alot of noise and now being able to walk and wave. so cute (:

And went to watch junxiang's church productions few days back (: it was awesome. quite cool seeing him on big screen. and knowing they put in so many months of hardwork for it. i was really very happy that everything turned out nicely for him and the team (: and i am just really very happy for him for everything in his life right now. tt he is leading a satisfying life and serving God so much more. hmmm and i guess tt thru it all, God has been always teaching me to be forward looking. that God is a God that gives us a hope and a future. that everything in its time, we would find answers to all doubts and uncertainties. and find out why things must happen the way they were. to learn to let go and rmb the serenity prayers. To accept the things we cannot change, to have the courage to change the things that we can and to have to wisdom to know the difference. and I guess it's coz of imperfections and loss in lives that we really learnt to treasure and love all that we have in our life now. So I really thank God for zc. coz he is really God's gift in my life. To challenge me in my spiritual life, to make me realize I must find back many things which I have lost along the way. my emotions-- to be able to laugh and cry when things are happy/sad, to not be hardened up, to be true to who I am and learn to trust people and not grow skeptical, to live life to the fullest and to do sth abt the things i want to do instead of having the passive thinking tt "what's the use of working so hard since everything will work out in God's plan anw" coz it's not true. tt God indeed works thru our hardwork and our desire. to find back my convictions which I held so dear, but overtime because of disappointments became negotiable, my "I MUST" in life. To let the holy spirit do the job instead of trying to depend so much on myself. to fight on God's ground instead of trying to fix things by myself. to find back the little faith that i need so much.

there are of course time we fall, but I know so sure tt this rs is from God. And I thank God for you all the time. To move me with your love, your sincerity, your commitment and your willingness to wait for me. For God to give me the capacity and heart to learn to trust and love again. for being upset for reasons which I cannot undstd sometimes, but all because it points down to ur care for me. coz I dont take care of myself or coz I am not listening to you and you could anticipate how things would turn out badly, or how I am not challenging myself. to teach me that love is indeed patient and enduring thru all difficulties. To have the heart and grace big enough to embrace all my imperfections. Many frens asked me so why arent we tgt yet? that it's unconventional. but all I can say is that we are both waiting for God's timing. for God to make everything ready for the both of us. our family, our breakthroughs, to break away totally from my past, to be able to give my whole heart. to be obedient to Him and my vow made.

and reading fren's blog and seeing how people try to maintain their relationship, esp long dist rs or couples who have been tgt for a long time and feelings grown cold. I learnt tt it's commitment that keeps a rs going. tt God is the one who made a rs longlasting. to teach us to love even in the hardest time. to make sacrifices for one another with the sacrificial love of christ. to be honest with each other when it's hard to sometimes. i learnt never to take my rs for granted. tt it's really not easy for 2 to meet needless to say, come tgt.

esp when God spoke to him to rise in his minstry, it makes me scared and worried sometimes. tt we will spend less time tgt. tt we would be too different coz he's moving forward yet I am still in a standstill. but why shld we be worried that our partner is serving God more.. tt God should still be the centre of it all in both our lives. to never lose the main reason what we are doing on this earth, to serve God. tt everyone has the equal opportunity to serve God. it's just whether we are willing to rise to the occassion. I dont want to be happy for you. I want to be serving God too, side by side with u. that is why i need my breakthrough so badly. the courage, the faith I need. it's so difficult. but there's no fear in perfect love. that just like marathon. or in a desert. we have to keep walking coz if not we would be stranded or thirst to death. it's a "I MUST" and in God "I CAN".

-Mark 5:38 the verse that yulin wrote to me when she gave me my 1st bible: "Do not be afraid, just believe." We all need that faith in God sometimes and that's when He can show his power and deliverance, dont we? Let's all have a little more faith in God. and I have been thinking what christian name I should choose next time. and my 1st choice christian name so far is Faith. so I'll be Faith Tan Ying Xiu. I think it's really nice. coz I think faith is so impt in my life. what do you all think? opinions anybody? hee (:

2010-09-04T20:55:00.003+08:00

i'm finally here to blog...
been busy and away... things are happening. but maybe i have somebody to share all my stories and burdens with, I dont feel the need to blog as much... (:
been sick and weak the past few weeks..
It's always through my weaknesses that I realize the power of God and how much I need Him in my life..
Long time since I have fever that actually reaches 39.5 degree.
Yet, fever seems quite manageable as we grow older..
It's funny how the older generation would say things like "Put on more clothes!" "Cover yourself with more blanket to force the sweat out!"
While if I really do that, I will get scolding from my frens or sister who will ask me to "Take cold baths!" "Dont cover yourself with so much things, on the fan, you cant get hotter than you already are!"

Who to believe? hahaa I am a little in between. I will try to take cold baths and cover myself less but yet not really cold baths nor really not covering myself coz I will shiver so much and feel so cold I cant take it.

But thank God I recover fast every time. Pills and medicine and like my good frens these days. Yet I know these things dont wholly heal. That God is the one behind my fast healing... And when I'm all alone, shivering in bed, hungry and too weak to move. It's praying in tongues and the spirit that provides me comfort. It's moments like that that makes me realize I cant do without the spirit in my life.. And of course to my lovely frens who will be there for me to look after me. zicheng with his hot tumbler, lemsip, lozenges, cooked meals, purple blanket that keeps dropping furs (which makes anne so amused coz I went to lecture with a furry black pants after an afternoon nap, but couldnt bother enough to change) and 101 love items to meet all my needs (: my A2 girls who would send their regards everytime I walk past. "are you better xiu" "heard you're sick xiu, take care, get well soon!" ping who would check on me and ask me to rest, suying for the liang teh, qiqi for helping me da bao dinner and wait till zc comes to accompany me, pingsiew for helping me sms many ppl coz I was too sick to go down for rally and my phone is spoilt. anne for entrusting her car to zc so that I could go to the clinic... I am thankful for these lovely level mates...

And all these brings me to how thankful that I did not run for presidency in the end each time. To really stop busying myself, be still and realigning myself with God and my loved ones... I never realized how much I have been distracted by hall stuff and losing myself a little, so much so that it's so hard for me to stop. till I hear the comment "Are you obssessed with commitments??" which make me stop and think. being less active and more absent does not mean that I am not passionate about things anymore, but maybe just too tired coz I am giving too much ,more than I am refilling myself with my source of strength. Now I am just glad for opportunities where I can just participate.. like run for inter block games as a participant. YAY! 1st for block A girls and guys. even though I was really slow. Anne, Heon and Audrey were amazing.. And also more time to do things I want to do.. like IFG swimming for the 1st time in year 3. I won a gold for 50m breast and 2nd for medley relay, which is pretty amazing. Not true IFG standard is not high loh. Many good swimmers out there. saw some of my ex team mates amongst them like bryan fang, elaine siew, katrina gan... And also going supperssss which I have not done in the longest time.. with A2 girls up to kent ridge park, which was reallly scaryyyy coz of huang na!! hahaha i m kidding, really romantic coz suying and karann went tgt before i mean. hee.. eating Sheares Big Ass Chicken for the 1st time! then BAC a 2nd time with zc, rachel, shane and raymond. 2 big chickens to 4 people and other side dishes. but I enjoy time where I can slack like that though it's one of the day where I eat until I am cranky. Then PGP supper with gor and zc... etc.

It's amazing having my brother in hall with me. To understand the kind of environment I had been residing been since yr 1. And how he would come down check on me and nag on me sometimes. But I love him all the same (: Being able to perform at rag with him as Athena and Poseidon was quite an experience for both of us I believe! (: And having him here in university, I could really feel a difference. Like both of us are growing up already.. no longer the young kids we are in the family. Now having to be more independent and taking care of ourselves. but I know how worried mummy is everytime she calls to check on us.. but i love how they would come down to visit us before they fly off.. They're in Alaska now. I am just glad that they still keep themselves young by participating in activities and travelling tgt. And I love my parents and thank God for them everytime..

And it's nice to meet my batch guys around too! that they finally survived 2 yrs of army and are finally in uni. and with alot of my frens flying away for exchange. which makes me want to go yet a little afraid at the same time. whether I will have the chance and also not knowing what to expect..

Many things have changed over the past few months too.. ended my attachment at ECPS which was amazing.. wonderful exp.. glimpse of how my teaching career would be like.. i know i would love it... esp when i hear teachers who have been in the field for decades saying the same things tt they never grow tired of their job coz there's so much challenges and changes throughout the years and so much things for them to learn... there are so many tutors who were so nice to me along the way.. mdm florence who showed me how loving and excellent a teacher she is.. not just in terms of teaching the students things but making sure they find interest in them and even going to the extent of conducting lessons to parents to teach them how they could use daily things in life to teach their kids.. her super creative ways instruments made out of recycled materials. she's amazing and a true reflection of Jesus' love by the stubborness she hold in never giving up in each and every kid... and being such a great mentor to me in each and every way, for encouraging me and praising me even after i used marker to draw on the smart board which is touch screen... Ms Hazel Foo my direct mentor for helping me liase with various teachers and giving my alot of guidance along the way.. Ee ling who would not pao tou me even though I spend alot of time sleeping in the staff room everyday.. Mr sunny Goh who would be so enthu in finding new ways to teach students all the time.. and so much more.. I am just so glad for all their help during my short stint over there. And also pinxiu for being my best meal buddy (:

Orientation experience was also amazing even though I feel rather old... like can really feel like I cant catch up with the enthu freshies who want to go for supper every single night.. salutes to zurong for being the most enthu counsellor even though he's year 4. but this year OC did a really great job I feel. like many new and creative ideas. well done to byron and cher for leading (: and also this year's juniors are very enthu abt hall too which I feel happy abt (: to keep the Temasek Spirit going strong every year!

And I am thankful for being in A2 with lovely people this year. my lovely ping and qi back tgt with me.. with addition of su, anne, pingsiew and heon! simple lovely people! new A2 love! and we going DND tgt with dom and kar. looking forward to it (:

School wise, I miss emmeline who is still recovering.. but it's so happy to see her like that. wanting to know more about God and drawing close to Him even though she has so much setbacks in her life.. Her life is such a rough patch she encourages me all the time with her strong character, which is so hardy and never afraid to ask for help when she needs to and being appreciative for everything. Met sherine and hongping for lunch. Amazing my 1st OG at psych camp bond still keeps in contact (: met up with some frens for meal like junxiang, liubo, ry but haven met many others like noob fren and BFF :( and also getting to know many of zicheng's frens.

School work wise. really more motivated to want to do well which stems from within. just hope that it will show in my result this sem. yet still many to catch up on... i still want my honours and exchange badly.. but trusting in God for whatever plans that is to come.. UU is amazing and funny with shiming, jasmon and Anne, even though lecturer is kindda irritating at times with bad pronounciation and not funny jokes. hahaa! maths is fun! coz i love maths! and with lots of buddy like muthu, chelle, enqi and jiayan. Have many psych frens taking my psych combi mods tgt with me too (: hope lab would be great coz i love my team mates..xinyi my new fren who was so helpful to me during group dynamics lect, augustine the emo boy who is so funny, and of coz germ germ who is there with me thru my psych life..

And to frens who I care so much about who are going through a rough time or not doing things right. I am glad I have more time for you all, though still cant be there all the time. yet, I hope you all know it pains me to see the things you all are going through. that I care and love you all. and pray for you all everytime I think of you all. I pray God will bring you all through these rough patches. know that He loves you. that God is still very good in ur life. and that He only has greater plans for you.

That's why I love today's msg.. that it answer so much questions I have been having.. The question that pastor post... "would you rather be a lost sheep or a master's dog?" it's hard for anyone to say they want to be a master's dog.. coz to be someone's dog requires us to humble ourselves so much. yet what's wrong with being a master's dog? at least we know we will be protected and loved no matter what. that even the crumbs from the master is more than enough for us. That too often we approached the throne with so much pride that we are the "king's kins" and becoming bitter when bad things happen to us? Failing to realize that God is not an idol to be approached when we have needs. That we dont approach God with terms and conditions of our own. and not willing to accept reproach and setbacks but like Herod we want to live the life the kind of life that we want and God has to follow our plans. or little faith like Peter. to ask God to stand there and we walk to Him. instead of being really broken and recognize that we can do nothing without Him. To really cry out to Him "Lord, help me!" or "Lord, save me!" or "Lord, have mercy on me!" But God recognizes such faith. Faith that arises when situations are so bad yet we recognize that God is mightier than our situation. and we choose to trust in Him. To bring us through... and He always work miracles for us when we approached Him in such a broken state.. Thank you Lord for speaking..

And last night, probably a realization of how protected an environment I grew up in.. To know or see frens engage in harmful behaviours break me so much. I have no idea why I cried so much. But it hurts me and makes me really angry with Satan and hate sins to see my frens not loving themselves, to just indulge in what they think is exhilarating and fun, according to their definition. it's like a black hole with so much attractive power. But to me it's scary and something I would avoid and stay far away from. Coz I know those happiness are shortlived and with no depth. That it's all an ugly deception. That real happiness come from the joy of the Lord.. But it's time I realize the truth and ugly of this world.. that out of spore, these activities are so prevalent and common. a norm that ppl no longer finds it a big deal. that all my life, i hear about frens who perform them, yet to see it for myself, it makes me so sad.. Yet I must not be afraid. I must not be afraid to reach out, to be there. To be the light God called us to be. It's scary to put ourselves at the front line to fight sometimes isnt it? yet to turn our back and run away from things, is the 1st sure thing to fail... I pray my frens never give up fighting and keep fighting and fighting no matter how tough situations in life may be. coz everything, no matter how bad will pass and God only promise a hope and a future... For myself, to stop avoiding and finding that fighting spirit that has laid dormant coz of too much disappointment.. to be broken and to trust my God that little more... that faith like a mustard seed. I thank you my Lord for teaching me all these. I will conquer.. I will. I love you my Lord, you are my one and only love and I will dwell in your house all days of my life.. forever and ever (:

2010-07-07T15:50:00.001+08:00

some time to steal during attachment to blog..
it's evident tt God is with me here in this attachment.
almost all the time after a teacher's name is mentioned i would meet the exact same person on my way back to office, and all these are so helpful to me as an attachee here in ECPS alone..
and so many teachers and so nice tt ms ng ee ling sitting behind me, 1st teacher i talked to also happens to be a new teacher so i get company when i go for AM and OM induction..
and books tt are useful to me for my project.. reading this "The First Days of School" book tt teaches me how to be a more effective teacher..
this project encompasses so much. feel like JS project which almost killed my grp. have to conceptualize the project myself, decide who to interview, read thru all the datas and find out reasons why the school is not performing in maths--- teaching method, socioeconomic background, race? , up to me to find out and decide. come up with proposal on what can be done and apply it during hands on teaching..
everything is so practical, like having to apply what i learn and read.. it's all kindda new to me and quite challenging for me too, but i m embracing it and changing my attitude.. using this project as an opportunity for me to really learn abt how it is like teaching in a school.. and abt real challenges being faced by students.. instead of viewing it as a chore.
and with my mentor not being with me almost all the time, it's really up to me to come up with my own activities, to learn and experience things.. up to me how much i want to get out of this attachment..
it's only day 2. waking up 6am everyday is not easy for me. esp being known for always being late.. cant do tt anymore now tt i m a teacher coz i m an example and it's a really bad habit i hope to change, even if it means having to wait for my frens sometimes.. and esp tough this week having to shuttle after school for psych camp, BS and tuition. sleeping ard 4-5 hours a day.

much responsibilities but hope i m not neglecting my family. gong gong is in hospital and i yet have a chance to go down and see him.. so much frens to meet, so much things to do. and hall stuff, feel so old and dun feel like being so involved anymore coz feel i've spent so much time and effort giving to hall, now i just want to rest and give more time to other impt things in my life. studies, frens, family, God...

and of course more time for you too! i miss u there in ICT. unknowingly, i think u have become someone so impt to me. the past did much damage to me. makes me feel so disintegrated sometimes, not knowing myself and things tt matter. being numb, skeptical and avoidant abt many things. like many parts of my life went missing, but u piece up these broken pieces for me, by being ever so loving, committed and understanding. by giving me ur best. by pushing all my buttons and make me face the fears which are within me. of course, these are not done wout much quarrels and disagreements. i feel i never quarrel w with anyone so much my whole life. but still, u taught me so much. working things out, sometimes just rather be alone, but still staying coz i rmb the promises being made and the tot of any of us going thru a heartache again, i dun want tt to happen to you or to me. it really takes effort to stay committed and to love somebody. and i'll learn to control all these emotional fluctuations of mine and i'll treasure you. u r really God's gift for me. and last thing i want is for you to be taken away coz i take u for granted.

and to all my dear besties going thru difficult times. it's all to make us stronger and we'll survive hard times somehow. just keep going! i'll be here and i love you <3

Thank you Jesus for many things in life, u keep me kicking n alive, coz i'll always have the assurance tt whether it's good or bad, tt all things come from you! and i love you my Lord!

2010-06-30T14:45:00.002+08:00

"A woman’s heart should be so close to God that if a man wants her heart he’d have to seek God first."
- Vanness Wu

saw this quote on yiling's facebook which i really like...
The meaning of the vow been coming to my mind so much these day..
Why God prompt me to make tt vow and what it all mean now..

Our life belongs to God and it's meant to please Him and Him alone..
what we think or want doesnt matter as much as what He thinks or wants..
Anything tt doesnt please Him or if we are disobedient to Him, we only end up putting ourself in a worse position, in greater misery..
it's better to obey God... and I want to obey Him...

Things i read in "boundaries in dating" which I really like.

In healthy relationships, people accept the good and bad in each other. They love and hate each other. But love dominates over hate and is the glue that helps us tolerate the bad things that we should not ignore.

How true isnt it? Love and Hate relationship.
Also learnt abt blame, disrespect, physical limits and much more.. thank you Claire for a good book (:

Realized so much more abt myself. The good and the bad. it's like a roller coaster ride. Sometimes i dun undstd myself. i dunno whether it only occurs now or all along i never really knew alot abt myself but only coz i m knowing more abt myself now tt's why i realize i dun really know myself. Confusing, yes.

arts camp was great, 1st time in 3 yrs. i like all the different Action no. 1, 2, 3... and crazy singles cheer, and how we scam the poor boy from another OG during intrahouse bonding by saying tt all of us are from diff OG when we all knew each other.. and so much more..
signed up for BS starting next week.. finding my way closer to God, back to church..
when centre of my life is shaky, everything else goes shaky..
realized i have been missing out alot on my frens' life, but i m doing my best..
there's sth in me missing tt i m trying to find back. maybe it's all part of growing up. but there's sth tt makes me less true to myself and ppl ard me and less happy abt life.. it went missing some time back, it's been so long but i'm still trying to find it back.
and time alone like tt is good for me, i like it, which makes me feel quite like a introvert at times.. closet introvert.

attachment starting next week. pray it'll be good, tt i may exp the joy tt i had when i went for relief teaching at CVSS and learn so much more.. 1 more month of holiday!

2010-06-20T13:17:00.001+08:00

To my beloved ah po who I have knew since I was young..
Though we are not really related by blood, u feel much like an ah ma to me too..
I m sad I did not get to see you for the one last time.. wanted to do it today but u left even before I was able to do it..
I'll miss you and all the times visiting u during CNY where u'll give all the kids our $2 ang bao..
All the bday dinners.. how u brought me to the CC when I was young and how you taught me how to fold grasshopper with leaves which I can rmb now..
May God bless u in heaven..

Yesterday was a day of great lesson for me.. Lord, to teach me never to take for granted what I have and to always rmb tt love and relationship with you and with people are the most impt things on this earth..
Bless my family and heal everybody who is sick.. I pray all these in ur precious name Lord. and Happy Father's Day to my dearest daddy..
Arts camp next week.. 1st time in my 3rd yr in NUS. Though wont be around all the time, hope it'll be great!

2010-06-16T00:14:00.006+08:00

Been wanting to write this post for very long but had no time..
I want to talk about God's provision.
It worries me that I only have one month after I come back from Cambodia to meet my building fund pledge.
And I thought the best way is to go for jobs that pay me few hundreds in few days. So I went to ask for few contacts recommended by fren. But neither the Adam Khoo company nor the excursion company are replying my email or calls. and i wonder how on earth and I suppose to get a job that help me fulfil my pledge.
And I had to reject the waiteressing job because it's too low paying and the working hours requires me to wake up at 5 am and end work in the late afternoon, by the time I would be super tired and will have no time for frens and family.
And it's already going to be the 2nd week of June. I started to doubt if I am too fussy and I should have just settled for the low paying and long hour waitressing job.
But u know I underestimated God.
Random people started to give me calls and sms-es for jobs.
Huixian's fren contacted me for chinese tuition and she wants intensive one this holiday like 3-4 times a week and it's really good coz it's recommended and there's no need for the 1st month commission thing unlike the tuition agency.
Then my cousin, who we dont usually contact each other, suddenly called me for expo exhibition job for his company for 4 days. I thought will be very tiring but went down for my 1st day today and it's not tiring. I had alot of time to do my own things coz not much people and it's acty quite enjoyable to work with a group of new people.
And a prudential person suddenly phoned me up asked if i rmb doing a survey 6 months back (which I couldnt) and said if I am interested to be part time financial consultant. Told her that I only can work in June and she said it's no problem! Going down for interview next week, and whether anot the job suit me, it's still quite good coz I will get a free movie ticket by going down. it's quite funny if they really offer me a job coz like june is ending already.
And xiyan too for being such a stable and enjoyable part time job.

And also financial blessings along the way... Really, God works in amazing way. Always hear of people giving out of their poverty and how God really provided for them. I really wanted to witness that because I have always been giving out of my abundance. So this time round I really challenged myself. And like they always say, when God gives you a vision, He would give u the provision. It's really true. Humans we often dont have the faith to believe in things we cannot see, but God just wants us to trust Him and take a step of faith. and when we do that God opens up a whole new world of miracles to us and we have to marvel at how He works and know that He truly is God, that He is real, that He is greater than us and greater than all our situations in life (:

And I thank God for odd jobs like that because I still have some time to spend with all my loved ones.
Settlers with the hall people was great fun! Family business and saboteur---vendetta, mob war, family influence... we almost killed each other literally! great testing of frenship thru games! hahaa! but really had fun with my lovely hall mates! (:

Ping's bday! Bought ingredients and baking of gingerbread house at qi's house till 4am with the real linxin who's back! Jet lagging, tired and happening.. And next day ping's party at mana mana! (: lovely party with all her close frens! finally met claire neo! Happy bday to my dear Buttie Bestie since sec 3! will never forget all the times we have tgt, both good and bad. love u loads dear! A very happy bday to you!

Calido outing listening to alvin and koksoon talk abt the working world, marriage, owning flats, cars and membership. So adult world. So gonna be my world in another 2 years. so kindda scary. Really feel quite blessed tt parents are able to afford a house and car and still have the finances to support all 4 of us through our uni education. And thank God for great seniors like them who we can trust and turn to for advice, then and now. Calido love! outing next time, no berms and slippers, if not we cant enter NUSS graduate club thank you marc! haha.

Family time, tao tao being able to climb all the way to the third level and me waking up to him welcoming me. Baby sit at da jie's house. Dian xiao er at Terminal 3 with po po. visiting gong gong who is sick and popo making us choose a gold item each to keep coz she said she's 82 and old and dont know when she might be leaving, she wants to leave sth for all her grandchildren. And she has left the apartment under all her children's name. It's sad to hear your grandparents say these things to you. I still want them to see me get married and have children and to have them by my side for as long as God allows. Ah gong died when I was 5 or 6 so I really have very vague memory. All my other grandparents are still alive. It's really good blessing from God that I am able to have my grandparents alive till I am so old. But I cant imagine if any of them are to pass away. How I would feel and how my family would adapt. How new years and gatherings would be so different and no longer the same.. But for now, I would treasure them for as long as I can.

And also bible studies, dinners at fav seah im and walk from kent ridge park to mount faber (: times of conflict and turbulence which made the both of us so tired. but through it all, thank you for everything. With you I find out more and more about myself and about love. really sometimes I find myself being not very lovable, being very unpredictable, being very fearful and not exactly a very easy person to love. Coz only with you do I show my ugliest and most unreasonable side. And i would not undstd why you choose to love me too. So despite times of downs which make me feel like I am happier being alone, I still thank God for you in my life to help me overcome my escaping and fearful tendencies by being so giving, so accepting of me and my ways and for always standing by me. You've gone a long way to win my heart. And now you make me want to treasure you more and learn to love you more too (: Thank you zc! (:

So more work, more camps, more frens, more family, more love, more of God!
2 more months of holiday! What a long break, so much freedom. I just love being a uni student! Don't you? (:

2010-06-08T14:59:00.002+08:00

A student asks a teacher, "What is love?"

The teacher said, "in order to answer your question, go to the wheat field and choose the biggest wheat and come back.
But the rule is: you can go through them only once and cannot turn back to pick."

The student went to the field, go thru first row, he saw one big wheat, but he wonders....may be there is a bigger one later.

Then he saw another bigger one... But may be there is an even bigger one waiting for him.

Later, when he finished more than half of the wheat field, he start to realize that the wheat is not as big as the previous one he saw, he know he has missed the biggest one, and he regretted.

So, he ended up went back to the teacher with empty hand.

The teacher told him, "...this is love... You keep looking for a better one, but when later you realise, you have already miss the person...."

"What is marriage then?" the student asked.

The teacher said, "in order to answer your question, go to the corn field and choose the biggest corn and come back. But the rule is: you can go through them only once and cannot turn back to pick."

The student went to the corn field, this time he is careful not to repeat the previous mistake, when he reach the middle of the field, he has picked one medium corn that he feel satisfy, and come back to the teacher.

The teacher told him, "this time you bring back a corn.... You look for one that is just nice, and you have faith and believe this is the best one you get.... This is marriage."

In marriage, everyday you love,
and everyday you forgive.
It is an ongoing sacrament, love and forgiveness....... --- Bill Moyers

We all have fears.. Big fears small fears.. My fears are of rejection, of the past, of the unknown in future.. Perfect love casts out all fears but that perfect love must be grown, it doesnt just happen like that.. May time and love help me overcome all fears.. And may I learn to trust that this wheat that I pick will be the best one amongst the field... Even if it's not, I know it's still a very good one with no regrets. May all the bad memories of the bad wheats not come back and haunt me and be everything of the past.. coz I know God only has better and greater plans for me and this wheat that I pick this time will not disappoint me (:

And my God is LOVE!!

2010-06-04T22:58:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I realize I cant sit still or be still for too long doing absolutely nothing..
I need actions in life. I need things in life to keep me occupied..
If not I become fidgety or I would rather turn to sleep..
What it means to be still and know that He is God. I need to learn.
Back from Cambodia, if I have nowhere to go and have to stay home, I absolutely cant be still. Yet sometimes I am just lazy to get myself out of the house.
I want to do things yet lazy.. How ironic.
Next year, it'll be less of hall activities. More focus on studies.
Part of me still want to be amongst the hall actions. But I know this time God wants me to stop and rest.
I guess it's time I do that. To not forget the very reason why God placed me in NUS and gave me my MOE teaching award. Not to be a good hostelite but a good student.
It's hard for someone like me who needs constant stimulation to keep awake and cant sit still for very long to just do nothing but study. Coz I get easily distracted by computers, handphones, things going around me. And maybe Gor is right that hall activities do distract me. That school term sometimes still feel like orientation to me.
But I guess it's part of God's plan that I dint do exactly well this sem. Answer to me not running for presidency. It's also like a wake up call for me. Time for me to study hard and pull up my caps to do my honours. And to study with understanding and smartly. I am not ready to graduate so soon yet. And to have more time to spend on reading the bible and praying, have a more healthy sleeping habit. Spend more time with frens and family.. and Gor's coming hall next year and with zc supervising me. I dun think I can slack alot.

I love city harvest. The place I experienced God, learnt so much, strengthen my spiritual walk. It's a controversial church coz of it's size and the amount of tithes it has collected. But it doesnt matter what men say. coz I know this is God's church and only what He says matter. To build a church without walls. That God's presence is so tangible in this place. That so many ppl have come to this place and know God thru the sermons and fellowship. The servanthood of the leaders I have seen for myself and the love and zest for God and for each other present in this church. All the church planting, services, conferences and outreaches, help to the poor and needy, building God a great house, sacrifices and challenging us in our faith. I trust the leadership and that none of the money are misused but all are used into building God's kingdom. Pray for pastors as they are under this time of investigation and persecution, give them the strength that they need after so many days of Asia conference. that it is of God's plan that our church unite as one and become stronger thru this. And after this may we set a new and higher standard and tt more people may come to know of our faith. Pray for us, all brothers and sisters in christ of the same body. We really need unity and not divide in this body..

Went for interview yest at liz's cousin's shop under lliz's recommendation. it's at thomsom plaza. quite far but I hope I get the job with a good pay. I need the money and I know God will give me that provision. start work daily at 7am, 8 hours a day for 3 weeks. Will be tiring but it's for God. It's a time of testing for me, my heart of sacrifice and I know God will see me through. I want to give. This whole time of PO and obedience. Sometimes I do get discouraged, sometimes I doubt myself badly. But Lord, I want to find confidence in my relationship with you, to bridge the gap between my self esteem and my self concept, how I feel and what I know I am in You. Thank you for angels you have sent into my lives and for reminders that you are always with me and that you love me and that I still have a strong relationship with you, everytime I doubt. Draw me closer to you oh Lord and let me BE STILL and know that you are God.

And most happy to meet noob yest (: to bring out the 'best' in each other. And from being guarded to being more open with each other. I thank God for our friendship. And BFF too for sms-es to know tt u still care even though we haven met in quite a while. very happy to see dom and kar yest too. though only for a short while. dom is still as funny. And time spent today with family.. Baby sitting tao tao. quite sad tt tao tao always fails to recognize his xiao yi after a while coz of not seeing me coz of hall or overseas trip. sophie said same for her too. and it'll take some time for taotao to warm up to me again. Visited ah ma and taotao played with my cousin's baby, ryan. Ryan so much more active compared to tao and so adorable. Younger yet so much stronger. can crawl at a super fast speed, stand up without holding things, take food and put into his own mouth, play with toys happily, smile more and warm up to people super quickly. Taotao on the other hand is slow to warm up, fearful of toys with music, always crawling away to a quiet spot, smile less and seems more introverted. Da jie and Qian jun feels sad tt their baby pales in comparison.. But I guess all babies just take on different path of development and tt God knows which family to place us to give us the kind of character tt we need. And taotao is just the way he is. not the typical enthu baby, more serious and reserve, like his yeye and nai nai. and i realize i love baby but I dun really Love Love babies. I dun get as excited as my sisters and parents as I see babies. I feel like my reaction is more like that of my brother. I like to play with them but I dun get overly obssess with playing with them or doing so much just to make them laugh. I dunno whether it's good or bad, coz feels like I have less love. hhahaa.

And give me all the blessing I need for tomorrow. It's a step of faith for me to step out of my comfort zone, to trust in your plans and to embrace what u've given to me. Do feel a lil jittery. But I know u're with me. I hope they'll like me and that it'll be fine. Love you Lord, see me thru rest of my holidays! (:

2010-06-03T14:26:00.000+08:00

To give myself a chance to open up and love again..
Thank you for being so patient with me and for always being there, for moving me with ur love..
Thank you for showering me with Christ-like love and being a reflection of God's love to me..
They say love cast out all fears..
I am a fearful girl with loads of fears and worry, I know how destructive they are.. It's like a built in mechanism I have to avoid and run away from things whenever I feel uncomfortable with them..
Thank you for helping me realize my fears and to confront them bit by bit.. There are so many times I disappoint you, make you sad and confused.. But thank you for choosing to stay by my side despite all these and continue to love me..To tell me that love is a decision. And ur decision is me.
2 years seems like a seemingly long year before I am willing to commit.
Thank you for being willing to wait.
Let this be a test for you and for myself too.
May God guide our path ahead as we continue to grow this friendship.
After spending so many days together, may time apart with our own commitments help us maintain our independence and not grow dependent on each other.
Jia you for rag! I will jia you at work too (:

2010-05-30T18:15:00.000+08:00

Back In SG..
Another awesome trip to Cambodia COSI..
It's so nice to be back there...
When I first arrived, i felt like crying. It's such a long wait.. A year before I could get on to the plane to Cambodia, travel such a long distance from the airport into the villages, before I could arrive at COSI to meet the kids..
Some were still around, Some left COSI, older ones went to live in the hostel, many more new kids, no more mother carol being in charge but now Pastor Francis & Mother Angela (ah gong and ah ma)..
Many things changed and it definitely felt different from the 1st one..
This time round, we did more.. taught more, village outreach to teach brushing of teeth, brought more things along with us, never did certain things but still as greatly blessed..

I love looking out of the window or from top of the water tank to the fields in cambodia with cattles, even though there is a drought now and there is little greenery, the country is still as beautiful. coz removing all things in SG, the tall buildings and shophouses Cambodia is simply a reflection of all the goodness God has provided for us.. The land, water, sky, trees, fruits, animals.. These we often forget. These I still often do forget.

Thank you for a great company of people I travelled with..
Julie for our 2nd trip tgt and being blessed greatly once again! wont be the same wout u, love! Sister Mango shimin for being able to know u better thru this trip. it's been awesome travelling with u, u're really a great nurse and fren. Germ for 2nd trip tgt too! it's been awesome, on for the next one tgt again? (: Zicheng for being able to be there with me, taking care of us and experiencing all tt I experienced last yr and being able to know each other better. I am glad this trip has been a great learning journey for u too. Sok Sam Samuel for making the trip so funny and happy. u r really our kai xin guo of the trip! making us laugh at ur randomness, losing of friendship, being so cambodian-ish and ignoring conversations unless it is directed at u! thanks for everything. Rifdi for being the great photographer of the trip, helping us take down all the beautiful memories even though u r not in many pics and making the trip such an enjoyable one. Junfu for coordinating everything and help take care of us too! (:

Mother Angela and Pastor Francis for being such an awesome couple.. A great reflection of God's love. Treating the kids really like their own. disciplining them and teaching them in the right way.. How can we ever know the many times they cry over these kids and the silence into the night where they feel lonely and sad, where there's nobody except God and each other to turn to. Thank God they have each other. Thank God they have really sensible and mature daughters.. and really envious of them.. to be able to be so loving even though they're both so old alrdy. to be able to still call each other dear and darling, their way of showing concern and love to each other.. ah gong, never failing to buy things back for ah ma everytime he goes out of COSI.. I miss them. I really treasured time with them.. Being able to sit ard them to hear them share stories of their journey as missionaries, of getting to know each other, of children in COSI, of how God has healed them and deliver them from poverty and really provide for them.. Their life testimonies.. Thank you for being such a blessing and encouragement to me.. Knowing God will see me thru my life ahead and when I am old that I will be able to share with people all that God has done in my life.. Knowing that God works thru all churches, be it big or small.. Will there be times where I can hear from Ah gong and Ah ma like that again, I really hope so.. I love them.

Being able to see the older girls at COSI, even though we may be vague in their memories because of so many teams that come. and also all the days spent with the kids teaching them, playing with them, going to village with them, farming with them, sitting ard chit chatting with them..to me, they've done a great deal in my life. They always ask us not to forget them as if afraid we would.. but never I will not forget them.. (: These awesome kids who have taught me so much.. and the feeling of coming back COSI after whole day of RNR at Phnom Penh with ah gong bringing us to eat good food, ice cream and massage, returning to Cosi with the kids running to our vans jumping up and down welcoming us.. I'll not forget that scene. so heartwarming, so happy.. Relationship is really the most impt thing in this world..

Mother Carol and the Emmaus' women too for altering our clothes and help to sew such beautiful clothes for us.. (: u all have been really awesome.. Reflection of God's patience and love.. it's just happy to see them being so proud and happy of their work..

Been an really awesome trip.. and travelling from Cambodia to Vietnam.. Zc's random trip.. leg swelling on the bus after random insect bite, visiting Saigon Hospital-- Tuoul Sleng look alike.. nice food at Pho 2000! red bean drink! buying vietnam yellow star red shirt, visit to a real hospital with commentary kept repeating Gacko! seeing for myself the kind of health care received in vietnam.. ppl lying around on the floor, waiting for docs to attend to u. i think we r lucky tt we dun have to wait coz of shan's uncle.. but who knows how long these ppl acty wait before the doc attend to them.. with no proper pillow and no proper bandaging even though some are bleeding badly.. no aircon and really crowded with ppl with motorbike accidents being sent in almost every other minute.. Then I really thank God for hospital in Singapore.. and according to shan's uncle, that's how healthcare is like is vietnam so it's really better not to fall sick coz it'll be either self medication or bad healthcare.. prevention is thus better than cure. Pray that zc will get better coz the swelling's still really quite bad..

mekong delta visit, eating by the roadside, crazy buffalo, cuchi tunnel-- tunnels used by the vietnam soldiers duing vietnam war. we crawled 40m and almost died-ed. watched a super random video abt some female war hero, introducing Cuchi a land of fruits of vegetables and meeting a "freaky" tourguide according to a caucasian.. super funny trip. then Pho Hoa which we took damn long to find, super yummy beef noodles and ice coffee. and finally resting in hotel and coming back SG..

Now returning to the hectic life back in SG.. but Lord, let me never lose sight of all the things u showed me back in cambodia.. results coming out tml. cant say i m not a lil anxious but i want to trust u Lord. and may your answer to the running of presidency be more clear.. and also finding job for june to fulfil my pledge.. helping me to be good steward of my finances.. thank u zc. coz i see clearer how imperfect i m.. how sometimes i m really spoilt and not mature enough, spendthrift and not keeping accounts of my spendings, wilful at times, still not willing to endure hardships, still very dependent, still a mama girl, still a escapist in many situations in life, always wanting to live in my own comfort zone.. help me grow up Lord and help me learn to take ownership for every area in my life..

Anna, thank u for ur email. it made me cry. seeing God's goodness in ur life. giving u that dream job to Japan, even though he witheld it from u in the beginning and left u sad and perplexed abt ur future.. it's really a journey of faith in moulding.. and thank u for ur encouragement for SEP. i will continue to trust and will be reminded that the God who saw u thru ur job application is the same God that will see me thru my SEP.. that with Him, nothing will be impossible..

I m missing many frens and cant wait to meet all of them one by one.. seeing facebook and how they've been. missing out alot of their lives! cant wait to hear form them.. met sandra today. ate with her frens and sister at geylang. she's flying off tonight. i m so gonna miss her.. sending her off later.. she's like so cool. being so brave, travelling to Vietnam alone and to all the SEA countries with her sister.. trying all the unique food like fried spider and crickets, and liking durian and atapche when her frens all shunned it after trying it the 1st time. i love her spirit of adventure, her optimism, simplicity and being so open abt everything in life, abt new cultures.. my 1st close SEP fren and thank God for her.. getting to know her better thru swimming and dance.. I hope we can continue to keep in touch and hopefully I can get to visit her at europe one day!

Hope I get the Adam Khoo job and be able to help facilitate camps.. and looking forward to meeting frens, to helping rag and to my MOE attachment! (: And gor's coming NUS.. I am very happy! Bless this holiday Lord! and be with me forevermore.. and thank you for family, frens and simply for the chance to live. Love you Jesus, love you my Lord! (:

2010-05-16T02:06:00.000+08:00

4 more hours to our flight to Phnom Penh COSI! (: exactly 1 year since I last saw the kids..
I am so excited and nervous..
This time with a smaller team, dunno what to expect.
But we'll do well..
Hope that luggage wont overweight by too much, so tt we can bring clothes and books over for the kids..
Cambodia, Vietnam here we come!
BYE! See u all in 13 days! (: Takkaire <3

2010-05-13T04:25:00.000+08:00

thanks to zc i m re reading some of my blog posts from like long ago.. 2006? hahaa realize last time i really blog alot of details abt my days.. now it's more of emotions? haha.. super alot of posts. read until i super tired.. feels abit disillusioned now. i feel like i m back living in 2006.. jc1.. pw, council, 1406, when i m just a young believer... hahah! oh no but i m in 2010 now! feels like i've grown alot.. but acty it's just 4 yrs and i m still growing.. and cambodia is in 3 days. feels kindda unprepared compared to last yr.. just the feeling i get. but then, really looking forward to it.. last year cambodia was my 1st trip overseas ever with my frens.. and it was a healing trip for me right after my breakup.. and the kids in COSI did wonder for my heart in showing me God's love through simplicity in life... This yr.. much more village outreach.. no more heartache, clean slate and going back to COSI once again.. 1st visit impacted Julie and I so much spiritually, i know this time God will do wonders too in the spiritual lives of Christians going or simply to show His love to non christians going.. His love for us is all the same.. not sure if i will get to see my bigger kids, diana, dorothy, chanta... who are now living near their uni 10km away from COSI.. but ya, i guess, even if I dun.. will be a lil sad but will be okay.. God brings new experiences to us at diff periods of our lives.. reading old blog posts really brings back so much memory.. diary is really a very good thing to keep and look back on next time.. i hope blogspot dun die one day, like my fairystars and blogdrive.. tgt with all my sec sch memories.. yes, and it's impt to move in season with God.. The old has gone and the new has come.. to press forward of what's ahead.. really hope to see all the kids I met last yr, but even if we dun get to, I know it'll still be a great experience nonetheless.. Some things in life, once gone, will never come back.. Some things are only meant to be experienced once.. Some things will just always be good memories.. like reading abt my JC OBS. never in life will I have those experience with the same group of 16 ppl, never will I have the same exp I get from Conrad hotel attachment or my JC days life.. But as I read, I am glad, I never once took all those for granted then, so I could give thanks coz no regrets for whatever happens in life.. and coz God's in control.. Therefore it is really impt to treasure whatever we have now.. people present in our lives and things that we have.. be contented. All these principles I know.. but humans we tend to forget what are the impt things in life, when we get busy and lost in our own world.. and we all need reminders once in a while.. and we need retreats once in a while to freshen ourselves for new challenges ahead.. Cambodia trip is a rest stop for me.. our past and our memories are so impt.. coz wout them, we are nothing.. we are all made up of bits and pieces of them and as we grow older, these are what makes up our lives.. I thank God for the gift of life. it's so fragile.. can be so easily gone, so easily taken away. thank you for ruiyang, thank you for the show "love happens" for reminding me, never to take people around me for granted.. Thank you zc for praying for me tdy.. move on.. look ahead. what's gone is gone. and there's a reason for all things tt happen. I know them and it's time to come to accept it is really so.. God's in control. Let go and let God (:

love so many ppl in my life.. past few days i thank God for family, for da jie-- cleared wardrobe, went to library, shopped for diapers, developed photos, ate scoopz icecream at parkway.. i love time spent alone like tt with my da jie.. esp after her delivery, long time since I spend time alone with her like tt (: but of course at night, tao tao's back and he brings so much joy to my da jie.. happy to see her like tt.. thank God for mummy for never failing to cook for us and calling us even though we always go missing from home.. for silly brother who laughs at channel 8 shows with me-- lousiest charrafeur of the year.. zhe yang mei you gong de xin and throws the umbrella back to the van... not funny but we laugh like crazy.. hhaa.. for irritating me with ur newly bought toy axe and making me laugh at ur ugly lion mask and pose.. david and goliath skit.. interesting.. haha.. thank god for carmen for tickle day out, nuaing at ur home, catching up, watching dvd... so great as usual.. read my past blog, u've always been there ever since sec sch even though there may be periods we r both so busy we never contact, i know u're a fren i m always close to.. i love u very much.. and tdy even though only short time at mrt still enjoyed talking to u very much.. thank God for zc whom i can share my everything with..shall not embarrass u with face cheek nose but 6 words for u.. wadever, wadever man, wadever man la.. haha! for ruiyang.. for swensens treat and just catching up.. it's so great! looking at our sec3 neoprints today..1st guy and only guy i took neoprints with. u better be honoured. hahaa! and thank you for all ur sharings and jin yu liang yan all the time.. i treasure our frenship!

and thank God for being God! for being so good in my life.. and yes, A-, A and A+ for lab reports (: but really little effort from me. it's all just coz i have God's favour to meet nice people along the way in a totally foreign chem module.. getting good lab partner who was from SSA class, random ppl who met and helped me along the way in lab.. Avrina, Azlin and zhiyuan in lect.. and of coz receiving seniors' report which helped me a great deal...

Totally long and random entry.. but ya, just feel like typing after reading my old blog posts.. hahaa! ok off to slp! goodnight! (:

2010-05-10T02:07:00.003+08:00

today's a lovely day..
though slept very late like 6am. woke up to a happy family sunday..
spent my day helping to look after tao.. it's tiring looking after a baby.. he's not tired when everyone ard him is so tired alrdy.. and i cleaned his poo poo for him today.. haha..
Happy mothers' day to mummy and da jie, the 2 pretty mothers at home (: mothers love and nurture always.. and creation of women is really beautiful (:

emmeline's bday party is sooo lovely..
i love how she just does everything by herself, simple and cheap, yet filled with personal touch and so lovely.
and all her close frens were down to help early.. so yea she's such a lovely girl to have so many close frens..
she's a talented artist really and i will hire her to decorate my bday venue for me if i hold a party..
and i love the quiz she did abt herself. bonded everyone tgt and everyone had a great laugh coz she's so genuine, funny and animated.. all her laotao photos which she is not afraid to show ppl.. all her silly antics which all her frens know. haha coz she blabbers alot. not just to me, but to all her other frens too.. i only knew her for less than a yr, but i could kindda guess everything in the quiz alrdy.. so it's cool tt everyone just knows emmeline for who she is.. everything abt her which she is not afraid to share.. (:

and her frens are lovely.. talked to quite a number of them.. her church frens, primary frens, cedar frens, jc frens.. met 2 funny girls yiwen and jeannette, who like me are random ppl who doesnt belong to any of emmeline's clique.. but we had funny camwhoring and doing stupid things tgt. haha! (:

met charlene the girl who brought emmeline to church. met tabitha, this cell member who emmeline is close to.. talked to them.. met a few teachers in a night.. jeannette and tabitha.. tabitha is 28 and sharing how it is difficult to find a partner once she enters the teaching workforce.. coz she is packed from mon to sat.. esp when it is near sports seasons.. and sunday she would dedicate to church.. and there are limited chances to meet anyone.. coz the guys u meet are limited to the school teachers and once there arent any suitable ones, it's difficult alrdy. and for her church, everyone grew up tgt and her batch is the 1st generation and most are girls.. other than a girl her age who is dating a guy who is 4 yrs younger in church, the rest are mostly attached to people outside of church.. she said she only realized it last week how difficult it is for her to get attached after some teachers were talking abt it, coz it's a common problem amongst teachers who r still single.. she said i still have a few more yrs to go, so i better work hard and find someone before i enter the teaching career.. she's so funny.. and it's not tt she's not pretty. she's so pretty and lovely.. and she sets me thinking..

and reading waijia's blog too.. God been speaking to me in various ways. but no conclusion..
u know, i quite enjoy time alone.. i like the freedom being able to just do wherever I like, I like mingling with new people, even if we will never get to meet again. I like to meet the different kind of characters God has created. I like it to know tt my close frens and family will always be there for me.. so it's okay even if i want to go away somewhere for a while wout having to be accountable to anyone.. and then return when i feel like it. i like the solitude.
yet, it would be nice to have someone there, to enjoy the solitude with me. not speak, not expect, not demand and not get upset with each other. just enjoy things in life with each other's company. dun have to worry abt what others think or feel as well.. just God and each other's company, someone who can undstd me well even wout me speaking.. and not probe when i dun feel like speaking.. i m really quite an introvert at times.. and there are times when i am not trying to be irritating but it's just tt i really just dun feel like talking..
I guess sometimes I care too much abt what others think and feel, when all those dun really matter. I admire ppl with a bit of attitude, who does not really care abt people or comments which doesnt matter and just live life their way.. I hope I can be as courageous sometimes. I am afraid of anticipating too much, of giving too much of my heart or trusting too much coz there's always the fear of getting hurt somewhere down the road, of everything being promised turning out to be untrue... Somehow hoping to be in control, lacking the gentleness and submission God wants women to have for their husbands. I am self seeking.. to take up the cross, to be willing to give up everything in life for Christ.. u know it's really easy to say. but not so easy when things really happen to us and times come when we are tested to give up things in life which we are comfortable of having. to settle for sth tt's not within our comfort zone.. to just be satisfied with God alone and be contented with things He gives. I am blessed to be born to Singapore which is a blessed nation. but if sth like Khmer Rouge is to happen in Singapore, and we are all thrown into poverty and circumstances which are not within our control, being totured and living in starvation and mental torment everyday, persecuted for my religion, being cut off contact from all my family members, not even allowed to talk to ppl ard me, living in oppression.. am I still be able to praise God? Proverbs spoke... Better a meal of vegetables where there is love than a fattened calf with hatred. -prov 15:17 Better to have nothing in life and still keep the love. than to have everything in life and lose love... Lord, mould me...

is 2 really better than 1? Few more days, may God speak clearer..
anw love u claire lim.. (: u really showed me how love transcends boundary.. and love is really what remains even when one is not around..
and emmeline i love u too (: For being such a great blessing in my life.. May God continue to bless our friendship! <3
and i really want to eat my malaria pills but it's so far away i m lazy to travel all the way back just to get a pill.. when i have reminded myself again and again to rmb to bring it home.. it's irritating when in the end i still forget! i really hope i will become less blur and forgetful..

tml is start of a good week (: looking forward to it! Bless the holiday!

2010-05-09T04:34:00.000+08:00

time apart is good for me...

Charmaine's bday.. enjoyed time spent with jappies. esp so long never talk to piggy and see zann. and of course meet my lovely janice! dint talk to char much coz she was busy. but yes jappies enjoyed themselves at the corner of the room, facing the wall with limited food but maximum company and joy with each other and camwhoring. love you girls made my night. esp when i feel a lil high on mocktail! hahaha (:

Family lunch at kenny roger for mother's day... tao makes so much noise now, so responsive to everything ard him.. and laughed so much more... maybe he's really excited he's finally out of home..
family all travelling to diff part of the world at similar time.. gor to malaysia, qianjun to melbourne, erjie and gundy to bali and me to cambodia.. think home is really going to be quite empty.. seems like as we grow older, we have less time spent at home, and it really takes effort for a family to stay tgt.. this i dont take for granted. Lord, grant me more time to be spent at home, even as I make time for frens, pursue my dreams and fulfil my responsibilities.. Then accompany er jie and gundy to somewhere near tanjong pagar to view wedding gown and also to meet a videographer.. they kept asking me if i m bored but no i m not, i enjoy being able to spend aimless afternoon like tt with family.. (: and definitely excited for wedding! 8 more months! (:

Steph's bday... so long never visited her house alrdy and very long never talk to her alrdy.. was shocked when i found out fish and co was 6 months ago! time flies... but it's nice to see her with her usual big family all there with her. and seeing her happy and doing well (: my used to be ahlian fren who protects me from gangsters hahaa, and now more feminine alrdy (: same bao bao face, never change since young one, like me... days in primary sch, i rmb us being on cold war and in the end i lost and talked to u 1st, all the i-dun-want-to-fren u games and u think i m damn childish. haha! then sec one and two.. and also guides orchid (: thanks for being there. and also me getting to know God which makes us sisters in Christ. know u for the longest, since primary 2. I love u dearie.

Tml gonna baby sit and it's emmeline's bday... (: and shaik i m really sorry i dint notice the clash in date..

So yes, i m enjoying the start of this hol.. just listened to Khmer lessons online and reading up history of cambodia. so can recap and teach the rest.. maybe Julie's dictionary would be more useful. coz i very selective, the sentence too long i dun want to include alrdy. hahaha! and lost the whole lists of world i wrote last yr, hope to find it... and writing to claire.. miss her.. called me tt day asked me to collect sth from plaza sing someday next week from a store.. to tell me code when she has gotten it.. so secretive. i hope the surprise is you! i will be overwhelmed haha but i know not la. unless u forsake ur exams and fly back now! but i wonder what it is hmmm...

and monday meeting carmen, tue ruiyang, wed claire neo!!, thurs zc and fri huiqi!! (: meeting 1406 ppl and noob fren at chormin's party, suying's party.. then fly off to cambodia..

packed to the max. but still a million and one million ppl i haven met and to be continued after i come back from cambodia.. (:

yea, so God speak to me... give me a clear heart, know how I feel, what's ur plans and what pleases you... i m glad i m able to handle this with peace and still enjoy all the things going on in my life.. i hope u're doing fine too zc.. and Lord ur plans for me for jcrc.. i dint mean to breakdown but it's really stressful. i guess my results this sem will reveal ur plans for me.. so till 31st may Lord, let me just trust u with the answer and find peace in u... and tt all things will work together for the good..

2010-05-05T01:17:00.001+08:00

thank you zc for phone call (: for sharing my burdens abt many things.. thank you for making me feel so happy (:
thank you xiang for sms! (:
thank you nich for ipman and fish & co. and shopping ard for a gift for u! hahaa! (:
thank you anne for colourful note & a good BS today abt forgiveness (:

And thank you God for end of exams and a good time of rest...
Flu go away! healthy xiu is going to clear my room tml for my frens to move their barangs in...
but DOM! no place for your sofa I AM SORRY! hahaha! :P

2010-05-03T14:20:00.000+08:00

Hebrews 11:1
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

James 1:2-4
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Lord, why is it so difficult? Why is it that you see how much i desire to go yet you always withold it from me? It's been so many yrs.. Always my wish to study overseas.. From JC, to this time my 2nd round of SEP.. But I have always trusted in you.. No I couldnt go Wisconsin even though I was accepted in JC and I had to reject the acceptance, much to my dismay. I rmb crying to da jie who comforted me that going overseas is not as rosy as it seems. that at least I am still near my loved ones here in singapore.. and I know tt I cant be so immature and so insistent, that mum and dad would not have the finances to send me there wout any scholarship..

Then holding on hope for SEP.. 1st time i did not apply for a silly reason. but no Lord, no regrets, u dislike regrets. 2nd time not getting, perhaps for wrong reasons in my heart.. but this time. u spoke to me during prayer meeting.. so booming loud. HongKong, Taiwan. Never my choices, knowing how I would always prefer US UK. And u know how much I want it.. What went wrong again? Maybe my Personal statement wasnt well written, maybe i should have put taiwan 1st? Lord, what is it? Why is it tt you tell me to apply for these 2 countries yet not give them to me.. Then what's the point of speaking to me abt it in the 1st place?

I cant help but feel so upset... yet I still want to trust in you Lord... faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. And Lord that through trials you test our faith which develops peserverence. Perseverance must finish its work so that I may be mature and complete, not lacking anything...

Where is this leading? I don't know. I pray I would still have the faith and courage to apply next semester, that I will be able to do my honours.. I pray my results this semester will be good.. Lord, please see me through. I can do nothing apart from you.. And I know even with not so good caps and not so good PS, u r GOD! and you can perform all kinds of miracles. you are a God who can do ALL THINGS! so me not getting accepted is sth else tt lies in ur plan. not just coz of my PS or my ranking of uni... Lord, show me what it is...

Lord teach me to trust.. To lean not on my own understanding. that in all my way acknowledge you and you will make my path straight. that you are using all these to mould my character and shape my heart. Lord, let me as I have written previously. Be contented with all that I have. With all that you have given me in my life. The chance to come to NUS, for MOE teaching award, to stay in hall... to be even able to pursue an education wout fears of persecution or worry abt finances... Let me not forget the cambodia kids and how blessed I am compared to them... Let doubts nor feelings of being defeated ever come into my heart.. coz u said that in you I am more than a conqueror.. that you love me so much you sent your son to die for me.. that u have created heaven and earth just for me.. that you know me better than i know myself.. and you knew me and formed me even when I am in my mother's womb.. and that I am a precious child and gem in your sight.. tt you desire to pour your blessing onto me. you know my desires even before i speak.. your love is so great that you did not spare even your own son, that you gave Jesus up for us all, what else will you not give me... Lord let me always delight in you... Let me not delight in your blessings but in you alone.. teach me father.. make me more mature and strong... for i m still a young christian growing in my walk with you... Lord, make me strong so that no storms in life can ever separate me from your love or make me feel like walking away from you.. that in you I shall not want. that i may be happy just having you by my side walking the still water and green pastures... I love you Lord Jesus, I love you... I know you love me sooo much. show me how i can love you more too...

2010-05-02T18:59:00.009+08:00

In every season u r my God..
Jesus let faith stay..
Let love endure..
Love will conquer and have victory over all circumstances...
Jesus, see me through my seasons...
Let me not be lost in the things this world offer...
Let me not lose sight of you, my purpose in you and all the goodness you have given to me in my life..
I love you Jesus, I love you, see me thru my seasons. Let me walk close to you and never turn away from thee..

"Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” So we may boldly say: “ The LORD is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?” - Hebrews 13:5-6

Chanced upon this website while meditating on the verse..

http://preachersfiles.com/i-will-never-leave-thee-nor-forsake-thee/

1) Live without covetousness.

2) Live content.

3) Live without fear.

The right msg i needed to hear... Amen (:
Holiday, time i need to spend with my loved ones, Cambodia and MOE attachment... And Lord, please provide for me in my finances... give me jobs tt i need... Everything tt i need to fulfil your purpose.. Oh Lord, I am excited... I can hardly wait (:

2010-04-30T20:42:00.000+08:00

Dear Teaching Scholars/Award Holders,

PARTICIPATION IN MOE SCHOOL ATTACHMENT PROGRAMME 2010

Warmest greetings! I am Ellen, Human Resource Executive from Scholars' Talent Management Unit, MOE.

2 We are pleased to inform you that you will be attached to the following school in July 2010:

East Coast Primary School
8 Chai Chee Lane
Singapore 469031

Principal : Mr Tan Siew Tiong

Vice Principal(s) : Mdm Lela Bte Shamsuhadi

School Tel No.: 62447652 / 62447657

School Website: http://www.eastcoastpri.moe.edu.sg

We encourage you to visit the school’s website to gain a better understanding of the school’s mission/vision, key achievements and strategic thrusts, as well as the student profile before your attachment.

3 The key objectives of the School Attachment programme are:
- to expose the scholars/ award holders to the school environment;
- to keep the scholars/ award holders updated of the key educational initiatives and developments in schools;
- to enable the scholars/ award holders to learn how initiatives and policies are implemented in schools; and
- to provide the scholars/ award holders hands-on teaching experience.

4 The entire attachment comprises the following:

· A briefing session on 2 July 2010 (Friday) to better prepare you for your attachment.
· A 3-week attachment to a school from 6 - 23 July 2010.
· A feedback session on 28 July 2010 (Wednesday). Selected groups of scholars will be invited to share on their attachment experiences, learning points as well as their projects with the MOE Management.

Details of the briefing and feedback session will be provided later.

5 During your attachment, you can look forward to opportunities to engage in classroom observations and experience classroom teaching. In addition, you will be assigned to work on interesting and challenging project(s) to broaden your horizons and maximise your overall learning experience. You may also be invited to participate in other activities/events in school as well as CCAs, if schedule permits. We wish to highlight that the extent of your involvement in the above activities could vary and is dependent on the school’s current needs and available resources, and the schedule of your teacher-mentors. You are strongly encouraged to exhibit initiative in participating in various activities and making the best of your attachment with the school.

6 Please refer to Annex A for the particulars of other teaching scholars and award holders who will be attached to the same school. We have also nominated a group leader for each school, who will work closely with us on the administrative arrangements for the coming school attachment (e.g. coordinating the dissemination of key information to group members and collating the group members’ attendance). The attendance sheet, together with the school’s proposed project(s) and attachment schedule will be given to you at a later date. The group leader is expected to collate and submit the consolidated attendance sheet to MOE officers at the feedback session on 28 July 2010.

7 Please click here to acknowledge receipt of this email. In the meantime, please refer to your respective scholarship officers if you have any doubts.

Yours sincerely,
Miss Ellen Lim
Human Resource Executive/Scholars’ Talent Management
Personnel Division
Ministry of Education
for Permanent Secretary (Education)

So near home.. I'm the group leader.. and I'm doing it with Koh Li Min!! what's the probability of tt man! only 3 per sch! yay! (: familiar face! Thank God for that! East Coast Primay! here Miss Tan comessss! (:

2010-04-29T02:27:00.004+08:00

A short one before i sleep...
Thank you Jesus for seeing me thru a busy exam period...
Really couldnt have done it wout Your strength...
Thank you zc for studying with me, meals, discipline, encouragement and love..
emmeline for being best stayover studying partner...u're like part time A422 stayer alrdy..
dearest neighbour qiqi for all the love and late night sms-es!
kar for buying tori-q yest for us so i could have time spent with my dearest hall frens...
and prayers by all my dear ones in life.. (: carmen, anne, nich, sherine..
and love sms-es too.. kit, fel, ruiyang, anna..
sorry if i miss out anyone. haha!

4 papers in 3 days was crazy. 4 days till next one.. but cant wait to go home to spend time with family during wkend. so must study effective next few days so can enjoy my sat and sun family time.. 1 wkend not back home and i miss them..
and night pm too which i wanna go...
but today was a great day of rest!
1 hour of lunch with dom chuan jeremy at deck was love. laughing at how sui chuan is all the time.. and dom being irritated by my do u want set meal request.. hahaha! jeremy being the same old funny jeremy all the time.. being able to sit down at deck for an hour. eating my meal slowly and drinking fruit juice on the spot feels like such a huge blessing..
then 4 hours of quality sleep..
and run around sch... qi was like "did i hear wrongly? must msg fel alrdy!" hahaha i always find excuse to not run when they asked me. 1st time i take initiative to run by myself. haha! but the weather was so nice after rain.. and everything just felt right for a run. hahaha!
dinner in comm hall.. yea, then visiting lib.. and having emmeline in my room now..
updating my dearest accountability partner carmen over LJ..
and nich sending me songs over msn! my fav heart of a servant song and rmbering all of God's goodness in my life..
such a good rest day like psychologically, physically and spiritually..
tml will start chionging.. one last paper abnormal psych...i will do well..
and i miss SOOOOO many ppl in my life.. like really very much! esp those i haven met in years! like claire neo! claire lim coming back! fay and liz..
catching up time after exams!! june i m all urs my frens!
may is cambodia (: and july is MOE attachment!
then there's rag and all the orientation!
time to go crazy and make new frens..
i m looking forward to everything!

God thank you for being so good in my life. I LOVE YOU! (:
goood night! (:

2010-04-19T13:14:00.000+08:00

independence that i wanted. independence that i need. and i know it's only necessary. i got to stop the feeling of dependence. let me learn to be satisfy depending on only you Lord. The only one i need in life.

Jcrc i stepped up according to your will and God you saw me thru. sep and studies, things tt weigh my heart, things tt I have been praying abt.. I submit to you Lord and I know You'll see me thru too.. total dependence on you Lord... studies studies discipline! I do my best and trust you Lord to do the rest. to perform the kind of miracles u did for my chem test... I love you Jesus, pls lift me up, pls see me thru..

Prov 6:9-11
How long will you slumber, O sluggard?
      When will you rise from your sleep?
       ¹⁰ A little sleep, a little slumber,
      A little folding of the hands to sleep—
       ¹¹ So shall your poverty come on you like a prowler,
      And your need like an armed man.

I love proverbs, wisdom tt i need. God speaking wisdom into my life.. I love to lull around, day dreaming, staring at something for a long time, facebooking and finding out how my frens are doing, enjoying the feeling of not doing anything, of sleeping, of not having to worry abt anything, of doing things very very slowly and enjoying the things i m doing, once in a while wanting to escape from many things into my own world.. but exams is round the corner... I got to stop being slack and lazy and having a lack of discipline... Get up and be discipline xiu... you can do it...GO GO XIU!!!!!

2010-04-15T03:09:00.000+08:00

love you claire lim... u're always one of the best! (: (:
for all the christian advices i needed to hear so badly...
how can i ever do wout you... (:
i love sykpe, i love you...
muchhhhh love! (:

2010-04-14T13:41:00.001+08:00

if u ask me what really is going, i cant explain myself sometimes, sometimes i dunno myself..
i feel very hardened in my heart..
when i feel sad, i dun feel extremely sad..
when i feel happy, i m not exhilarated.
i no longer go to the extremes of emotions i used to feel..
i hope i can be like how i used to be, to be emotional..
at least when i write in my diary i know what i m feeling, what i m happy with what i m disappointed with.
coz right now, being stable in my emotions. sometimes i dunnno wad i m feeling. i dunno wad it all means..
i care, yet i dun really want to care..
i feel things are not right, i want to do sth, yet i dunnno wad to do, i rather leave the things as it is.. or sometimes i choose to avoid and stay in my comfort zone..

i want to hear from God, i pray yet i dun cry out to him..
coz i m not feeling very sad..
it seems like prayers are the same thing over and over again..
desire is impt.. yet i feel i have no deep desire for anything..
i m just contented with no storms in my life.
yet no peace in the silence.. sth's not right. yet nth's done. yet i dunno wad should be done.
i feel quite resigned to fate? feel quite numb of obligations i have to do, so that i can be consistent of a girl i used to be. i dun really know myself now? or maybe i m trying to know myself..
jcrc, studies to glorify God.. shining for God thru my everyday life.. really? am i? sometimes i feel my bro might be right. all for my own achievements.. i am just drifting thru life..

and i think i have become afraid to love..
to really trust and give my heart to anyone..
i m very skeptical abt things..
i used to be able to put myself in my frens' situations.. to cry with them when they tell me sad things tt bother them.. laugh with them if they're happy..
but now i cant. frens tell me things i listen n tt's it. i feel okay even though their situation is bad and dire.. i no longer feel as compassionate.. i feel void of emotions..
there are people in my life who i care alot abt who hurt me before..
and i feel i have not recovered from it totally.. and it's causing me to hurt the people who care abt me..
coz ppl who really care abt me, i feel i take them for granted..
and i cant give back as much.. i just feel uncomfortable. i just want to push them away..
i dun undstd why anyone would still want to be close to me when i have hurt them so much.
maybe it's better that people leave.. at least i know tt we dun really owe each other anything. tt we might have both disappointed each other in some ways.. and it's good we're not close. tt things are good to just leave as it is. no need to confront.. no need to dig out emotions.. and find out who's right or wrong..
it's like even emotional hurt or physical pain inflicted upon me dun really matter.. i feel so numb.. and whether the inflictors wants that forgiveness also dun really matter.. i will give if ppl ask for it.. but i dun really think ppl acty care abt reconciliation, tt they acty feel bad that they have hurt someone badly.. tt ppl are just selfish. that they are able to just move on with life, living in the denial that their actions is forgiven simply coz God has forgiven. that coz they dun mean it, they can skip the apology or not do anything or put in any effort to make up for tt hurt caused to someone.. and just wished silently that the person they hurt will be able to move on well, to forget abt the hurt so tt it'll make them feel better.. at least wout guilt..

i should be happy for the person i love, love with the love of christ, yes.. but yet not totally.. coz there's always tt bitterness tt's not reconciled in my heart.. and it feels like the inflictor will never know, or at least pretend not to know how much they've hurt someone and how the hole can be mend only by the inflictor asking for forgiveness and reconciliation.. and maybe the person dun really even bother..
maybe they dunnno how much they've hurt someone. tt everything's alright alrdy.. maybe? tt's easy to think. to convince myself tt's the reason for everything. tt ppl acty care. they just are ignorant. tt they think rs will be reconciled simply by doing nothing about the hurt they've caused.. but i dun expect ppl to come and ask for forgiveness anymore.. and i dun want to talk abt it anymore.. coz it's making my talk and tears so cheap.. tt nothing's done even after saying so much.. dun need to try too hard when the other person is not even trying... find my rest in God.. i cant undstd when ppl comfort me by saying tt ppl only go to the extreme only coz they care.. yet i dun think it's right.. yet i cant convince myself.. "yes, people are hurting me simply coz they care abt me and is afraid of losing me..." it's bullshit. it's just to make the situation feel better.. and for me not to lose the hope in humanity.. i find it hard to even convince myself, esp when it's all inaction from the inflictor..

i think i have been hurt in such ways, i m numb. i find myself doing the same to those who care abt me..

u say i have to form walls around me to protect myself.. coz i m God's precious chid.. i dunno how..
how to form walls yet still love and forgive all those who have hurt me..
i cant feel how much it hurts u even though i know it hurts very much...
i read ur entry even though u deleted it..i feel sad to know tt u r hurt coz of me yet i cant really feel how sad i really feel..
i can kind of undstd why people want to slash themselves.. hoping that physical pain can allow them to feel sth.. to feel some deep emotions which they have lost..
maybe tt's the thick wall i m talking about? i dun purposely put it there. yet it's just there, formed over time, over too much hurts and disappointments in life..
u ask me to stop pushing u away.. but really i dun think i m worth ur wait?
i dun even know what i want..
i m not even treasuring u for who u r. u r right. i may just be treasuring the comfort u r giving rather than who u r..
and u deserve better.. just like how i know i deserve better too..
but i deserve better so tt u deserve worse? i dun think it's right..
no u dun expect anything. but do u really think i can live in the ignorance of knowing u r giving so much and i m giving so little..
u r putting in lots of effort. but i m not..
i m really just like u say, wanting to stay in my own comfort zone..
i mind what ppl think and say..
and i want to avoid tt..
how to explain alot of things, i dun want to.. yet i want to be accountable..
and i am not willing to step out of my comfort zone..
i just want to live in ignorance and not confront things..
coz things are easier tt way..
breakthrus to come, i m not convinced.. and it's hard to pray sth which i m not convinced of..
i need to make decisions. i need to have faith. faith is nothing wout actions.. all those i know..
but i cant apply..
what if i m not the kind of girl u r looking for.. i m much more cowardy..
i dun want to confront alot of things in my life..
i m tired of confronting them, of trying so hard and with no results, nothing changed. everything the same..
what if one day i walk away from God? i dont want u to walk away from Him coz of me..
i dun want u liking me to draw u away from God in any sense..
tt's why i should not be in a ranking with God.. God should not be ur no.1 but ur only one. tt's why u should be okay even wout me in ur life..

there are ppl who care much more abt u. but not me. i m selfish too, just like every other ppl who i think r.. i only care abt myself and my own needs.
u cry over me.. abt what u r afraid u cant give me..
i dun think abt what i cant give u and work on myself..
on how i can love u better and i dun cry over it..
i m just exploring and evaluating u..
i m selfish. i only love myself..

am i really willing to give up everything i have right now in my life and start from scratch with u to overcome all the persecutions? tt would only mean i must love u very much too.. and tt nth matters but the fight for love.. and tt love would stand thru all the obstacles.. and the tot becomes even more real when u put it down in words and the tot scares me. coz u r so serious yet i m so unsure.. i see how imperfect i m.. i think about it.. am i willing to give up all that i have for love? will i still love God when i have nothing in life.. when he takes away everything from me, like what he did to Job? will i? maybe i m materialistic too..

i dunno..
i know how destructive this is..
but for now i just want to be selfish..
and to take a step at a time..
maybe over time, tots and feelings will become clearer
God's plan will become clearer...
i m sorry..

2010-03-31T13:44:00.000+08:00

Lord pls dun let the seed of unforgiveness and bitterness grow in me...
so many things happening in my life.. i find ppl who are unreasonable, irresponsible, unappreciative and who take things for granted, irritating and i dun feel like talking to them..
i hate to feel like people are selfish.. tt they dun really care abt others ard except themselves.
just give me a break. i m tired of trying to be caring and understanding all the time..
i know i may be feeling self righteous and justified. but it's really not easy to love and forgive when i know i m not deserving of the things tt happens.
i know satan would gloat to see me like tt. He know he would have succeeded. tt rs with my family and frens do affect me alot. and he'll do all he can to use persecutions and disappointments to crush me.
and i know i wont let him have the last laugh. coz u mean it for the bad. but God use it for the good. to mould me, to strengthen me..
but i m struggling.. i dunno how many ppl really do care abt me, who do think and pray for me. but this is the season i need much prayers.. i dun share just to inspire or make myself feel better. but coz i m asking for help and understanding for things i m going thru. and for prayers. so be kind and stop adding unnecessary burden on me.. if only everyone can just be reasonable, responsible, appreciative and not take things for granted.

Fruits of the spirit..love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self control...
help me walk in meekness, in wisdom, in humility, in love, in forgiveness Lord. allow me to release all bitterness and learn to love like Jesus did. humiliated, shamed, tortured yet choosing to forgive and love and die on the cross for us.. i know i m a gold in the refining process.. hot fire is only to make me stronger.. help me be more like you Jesus.. help me stay close to you..

2010-03-30T10:16:00.002+08:00

God holds EVERYTHING in His hands..
Faith... consists stages of Dreams, Decision, Difficulties, Delay, Dead End, Deliverance.
God will make us go thru every stage..
Right now, I am probably at the stage of difficulties and delay..
My dead end and deliverance is not here yet.
I cant give up right now.
I need to be stronger in Christ. i need to keep on keeping on.

Thank you for angels in difficult times like this.
every encouragement and concern touches me.
jan, xy and cham for just being there when i came out of house..
so happy to catch up with u all my jappies.
pingni's party cheer me up abit.
happy bday pig! u're one of the bravest girl i know.
can never know tt u're sad coz u're always happy
u handle ur probs and dun let them rob away ur joy
u have frens and family who loves u alot
and i m so glad u found urself such a lovely boyfren who loves u much
cham was saying he's like the man behind the scene.
work very hard but hiding behind the limelight.
guardian angel i would say.
my neighbours.. for showing concern and undstding when i m not ard so often these few days
i miss claire and reb in uk..
the christian perspectives u all give me never fail to make me feel much better.
i thank God for my family, however imperfect we might be.
i know God is doing His work in us.
and i thank God esp for you zc, thank you for praying with me and for me.
believing and fasting with me.
For showing me God's love and allowing me to know i m not alone..
carry my burdens and caring for me.

forgiveness! teach me how to forgive like u did jesus..
and i know tt everything will work tgt for the good.
nich says you let me go thru things coz you know I am strong enough to handle it.
be there for nich too..
i know it's all a test. tt all these will all come to an end.
tt u will show me the great and mighty things tt u can do.
show me miracles in impossibility and greater and brighter life will come..
to give me a hope and a future.
tt nth is ever too big for u!

okay back to work chpt 12! last test! no more last min crammings!
sep, presidency, ocip, studies, salvation, rs, finances..
much uncertainties, many giants to overcome.
work in all aspects of my life Lord! Amen.

2010-03-24T15:25:00.002+08:00

God is so good in my life..
Joy and rest..
overnight prayer meeting is awesome.
thanks for inviting me zc.
elaine is cute, kit is so kiddy looking, jx, the 2 liangs, ben are friendly, miranda such a loving cgl, and jiahui such a brave and encouraging girl.. zone supervisor mj who greeted me, quite surprised to receive such hospitality and he's very funny, keep smiling, very nice. and his baby girl so very very adorableeeee!!
experience holy laughter for the 1st time. quite amazing. everyone so happy and keeps laughing (:
very lovely cell and zone, zc.
and i m glad we talked.
and tt u also desire God 1st in ur life.

and truly God is all I need in my life..
Putting 1st the kingdom of God.. and whether the all things else being added to me, dont really matter as much. coz it'll happen. but just putting God 1st is so much joy.
i seem to struggle alot with guys all my life.. i rmb there was once ping told me she & claire are worried, coz i have been thru so much bad pasts, they are afraid i dun dare to love again..
dun worry i wont..
but then right now in my life. i m just happy being along.
and for the 1st time in my life, i m truly beginning to enjoy singlehood..
wonder why i never ever see singlehood in this light, as a gift in the past.. wasted so much time chasing, struggling when i could have used the time better to serve God..
truly satisfied with just God, frens and family.
not needing a rs to feel any better abt myself.
and it feels good to come to such an understanding.
i just need friendship, fellowship and discipleship..

and i want to treasure this time as a single to build myself and serve God..
consecrate my life to my first love, greatest and only lover in my life..
breakthrus in family, in church, in my personal life..
thanks for filling up the gap for me Lord..
i want to be a mighty soldier that fights and build at the same time.
dont want to slacken like Eli..
and how you would test us every moment so that you may exalt us..
coz u desire to exalt us all days of our lives..
but you would test us. let me pass the tests Lord, let me stay close to you.
keep on keeping on, pushing out when satan pushes us back to our original spot.
joy and rest. even in huge storms, let me find them in you. The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. walking beside still water, even when i walk through the valley of death, i will fear no evil..
God is just awesome. and joy to know we're created for such a purpose to be loved.

and easter is coming.. gor's baptism too.. breakthrus i need to see..
but God holds my life in His hands.
giving up my desire..
learning to view everything in the light of His eternity
and hence deriving more joy!
LOVE YOU JESUS! (:

2010-03-22T04:03:00.009+08:00

to be patient and wait upon the Lord.
to be sure and make a conviction of faith or fear.
coz faith and fear are opposite.
so much issues and uncertainties.
so much walls and hurts.
an awful past, a complicated present, an uncertain future.
but for lack of better word, thank you for being there thru it all.
for being brave like a man. for teaching me much.
for being sure, for having a conviction.
for being willing to wait.
for loving an imperfect me.
sometimes i feel i m too blessed for all these.
coz for sure i know i m not ready to give my full self right now.
i still have lots of doubts and uneasiness and i often wonder whether all these are real.. rather whether all these will last. Help me to trust Lord.
Lord, let it be clear...
coz sometimes it feels as though i m more content being alone.

and the lyrics tt speak right into my heart, sang in church..
God speaks the right things to us at the right time..

很想轻抚你所以避开你
宁愿用距离去令你好奇
忯避过眼神先偷偷喘气
吩咐手臂放在原地
传闻浪漫太快爱恋都走得快
才会迟迟未步向你说一世爱护你

情太过汹涌像深海而我却会忍耐
但求来日你醒过来
这份情像翅膀打开
还没有相恋别意外神教会我等待
待情流像细水才去承诺你
拿一生兑换爱

很心急拥抱所以在祷告
求甜蜜以前带着你慢步
游历过旅途等一天终老
生老病死一起细数
原来慢慢靠近更珍惜这一吻
而我停留是为了你要给予你护荫

情太过汹涌像深海而我却会忍耐
但求来日你醒过来
这份情像翅膀打开
还没有相恋别意外神教会我等待
待情流像细水才去承诺你
拿一生兑换爱

能为爱恋学习按奈情信寄进心内
但求能学会倚靠神
爱被驯服过更精采
连地老天荒亦不更改时间永远等待
等你情愿那天才去承诺你
无止境那份爱
我用沉默叫醒爱情你用期待做你反应
继续行近直至开始爱

no matter how things turn out, i know i can always trust God that He has the best plans for me...
Giants in my life, Lord help me overcome....
Break flowerpots and grow roots.

i love my family. i never get tired of time spent with them...
lunch at beach road w mum and dad, bringing taotao out to airport, eyes tt sparkle at everything, serious baby but before he sleeps he gets high, like really high.. laugh non stop. just like me.
studies, i need discipline very much..
cell grp, i miss them...
and carmen, i love you very much.

2010-03-17T00:58:00.008+08:00

happy for...
emmeline going for bible study, for growing in the Lord. i rmb how it all started out. I thank God for such a random encounter with such a lovely girl who I really hope I can grow a stronger frenship with...

finishing application for SEP. I know I want it badly. yet I know if I dont get it, I will be sad but not very sad. coz I know God is in control and has a greater plan for me.

a great message preached at youth service. I want to use my youth to serve God therefore it became an even pressing want for a breakthru to come, for God to work in my life.. and imagining wayne serving full time, so lovely.. i know he'll be very happy. I know he'll be great.

frens confiding in me, for being there. for loving me. though I know I m really not a very good fren sometimes, for being absent and not being there when they need me.. and feeling so selfish sometimes even, afraid of appearing vulnerable, afraid of getting hurt, afraid of being abandoned when people find out tt i m acty not tt perfect after all, afraid tt ppl do not care, tt ppl will leave.. so much so that it paralyzes me from loving and giving sacrificially, from being totally honest with all my tots and feelings.. and it's bad. a vicious cycle. a limit to how much i can love. indeed it's better to give than to receive. coz when i receive so much i m thankful yet i m afraid i cant give as much and so i rather not receive.. i know it's selfish on my part. teach me how to love Lord. to love is to risk getting hurt and let me not be fearful..

gor also applying for MOE scholarship, for having an interest also in teaching. we dunnno God's plan for his life. but I am so happy seeing gor being so much more driven now.. for really growing up to be more like a man. for being a testimony which mum and dad can really see.

many things to be complete.. for stress to teach the ill discipline me to be more discipline..

I really have many things to work on. and i know it will be better for me to go thru them alone. build up myself. hardly ready..

2010-03-14T03:08:00.001+08:00

Thank you Lord for a nice DP.. though the side seats were not filled. but at least the middle block looks rather filled.. and it's good enough i guess.. (: was praying before the start of everything but then after praying with ulrica just feels diff. indeed there is power when 2 or 3 comes tgt.. (: i hope my dancer enjoyed themselves. i hope audiences enjoyed themselves. i guess tt's the most 2 impt. and extra incentive of course would be for my cosi kids.. 1st thing in the morn, bus broke down. lousy bus service. dint even inform us but only told us when we called them and dint even send replacement bus down. caused us to waste our time.. had to wait for 30 min but in the end cancelled and everyone went down tgt by bus or by cab.. thank God tt despite the lost time, everything was still able to proceed smoothly even though the last part was super rush and xinhui was very fierce coz we did not adhere to her timing.. but thank them for being strict and decisive seniors.. thank you all my dear frens for turning up. xinhui, may, ping, qi, carmen, huixian, steph though it's so last min thank for coming love you, zicheng, my jcrcs, and my hall frens.. and my dear family daddy, gor, erjie and gundy.. u know the thing which makes me most touched. when daddy sends me a sms saying
"Dear daughter, u have done us proud as being cultural director. v well done dance. i like yr black spectacles the most.ha ha :-D :-D"

smiley with a nose (: qi loves the haha and the smiley face. u must undstd tt my parents seldom say tt to me. and i m really happy i m able to be of sth which my dad can be proud of. i undstd what gor feels when he told me he wants to play well in basketball so tt daddy can be proud of him.. qi told me she saw gor and daddy racing on the track at nus high sch. gor in front, daddy behind trying hard to catch up. which is quite funny and cute. thank u daddy for still insisting to come even though mum decided not to come in the end. i really appreciate it. and saw erjie and gundy when i was in my nerd attire trying to check out if master has arrived. they laughed at me which was quite embarrassing. haha!

so everything is well. thank you frens who came. sorry if i was going round busy taking pics and not having the time to talk to u all properly. thanks for being patient with me and loving me. Thanks for everything. Thank you God for making me a happy and blessed girl.. Thank you for frens val, pingni and ron who msg me to wish me luck even though they're not coming down.. i dunno who i missed out but just THANK YOU EVERYONE. you know i love you. thank you all my dancers, choreos and exco.. THANK YOU!!!

so tml open house. after tt sep and term paper. it just seems like my workload never ends. but i m happy.. receiving emails from chuan in america coz michelle told him he made me stress and depressed over xinyao. haha! dun worry la i m ok just concentrate on getting well.. and reading this from carmen's book.. which makes alot of sense to me..

There is an emotional promiscuity we've noticed among many good young men and women. The young man understands something of the journey of the heart. He wants to talk, to "share the journey." The woman is so grateful to be pursued, she opens up. They share the intimacies of their lives--- their wounds, their walks with God. But he never commits. He enjoys her.. then leaves. And she wonders, What did I do wrong? She failed to see his passivity. He really did not ever commit or offer assurances that he would.

Be careful you do not offer too much of yourself to a man until you have good, solid evidence that he is a strong man willing to commit. Look at his track record with other women. Is there anything to be concerned about there? If so, bring it up. Also, does he have any close male friends--- and what are they like as men? Can he hold down a job? Is he walking with God in a real and intimate way? Is he facing the wounds of his own life, and is he also demonstrating a desire to repent of Adam's passivity and/or violence? Is he headed somewhere with his life? A lot of questions, but your heart is a treasure and we want you to offer it only to a man who is worthy and ready to handle it well.

it's cool and offers me new perspectives to look at things. indeed, no guy can tell me how to be Eve. I can tell no guy how to be Adam. No human can verdict our souls. only God can. We offer our beauty. They offer their strength. that is just how God has created us to be..

one challenge after another, the journey never ends. but that is just how life is. filled with ups and downs. all the way till the day of jesus christ! amen.

2010-03-13T03:07:00.005+08:00

months of hard work. Dance Productions. see us thru Lord. See ME thru. cultural affairs director. it's stressful yet ok coz of angels God sent me to help me along the way. a burden in my heart to see things go well. to see everyone happy. to see the events successful and everyone taking back sth along the way..
when things dun go our way, all the more we need to depend on God. all the more I depend on God. coz sometimes we just realize tt humans effort are limited and sometimes there's just nth else we can do except to hope and pray. one man's effort may be little yet i always believe tt it'll make a difference. call me stubborn. but i refuse to give in or give up till i have really done my best. and till the end of the race.. yet this is what makes me busy all the time. good or bad i dunno. but somehow God wired me in such a way.. good i guess. I have to love myself the way I am.. Dom asked me can i just be selfish, must I do everything right. i guess so. I try my best to do everything right at least. I believe tt's when I can feel like I really live my life without any regrets.

i believe in miracles. i really do. i believe in dreams. I believe in the impossible. i believe God can do exceedingly, abundantly more than I can ever ask or imagine.. Sometimes I find it difficult to say these to people. coz I think they'll only think i m being overly optimistic and unrealistic, maybe even to a state of denial.. but it's not true. i really believe. but still it's normal for ppl to be skeptical i guess. so I really thank God when he send frens to me at diff periods of my life who believe in me, who believe tgt with me, though dreams sometimes seem farfetch and unrealistic. coz I m allowed to move forward with the beliefs and support of these people. and God really does make dream come true.. I've seen Him work tt in my life and I believe He will still continue to do so..

And it's true I need to learn to be more wise, more patient, more discerning. coz i often fail in those aspects. this whole journey of joining DP is tiring, challenging yet enjoyable and eye opening.. Never regretted doing so.. even though i struggle with studies and my social life and in supervising other cultural committees. Hm so tml is the day. good or bad. everything is in God's hands. we've done our best. so Lord I just want to trust you for a breakthru tml. trusting in you Lord. pls see me thru. Dancers let's put up a good one for all the audience present. i know i m motivated. coz so many loved ones down there supporting me. not very often i have 5 family members coming down to watch me ah.. esp mum and dad. seems so long ago.i really appreciate their presence and making time down.. xinhui for agreeing to come so readily, sarah for canceling on bbq just to come watch us and giving me a call specially to tell me u'll be coming to watch me, thanks for all the effort (: huixian for coming though i know how u would always dread concerts coz u fret over what to wear. zicheng for being so supportive of me. carmen my dear i miss u and coming down. ping and qi my A2 love and qi for persuading frens down. BFF not knowing if u r coming but know u would be supporting me, val for special sms to tell me u cant come though u would really want to, xinling for wanting to come down to, may my JC best fren for coming down, michelle my pillow for being there to help me with vip list and xinyao when i m so stressed coz chuan's not ard and u always undstd me the best in my whole walk of stepping up as JCRC i will miss u so dearly if u leave hall, karann for effort to promote to commando frens and leaving pizza for us when we r busy dancing, julie for sweet note and candy outside my door, fel my dear pushing sales last min though all are frens who u r not close to, dom for helping me with zt's and belle's present and always so serious abt correcting ur steps to put up a good performance. my nerds and bengs and yuzhen dancers for months of hard work, char, belle, pingsiew and their lovely exco for working hard with me to push this DP thru.. ms goh for being such a great teacher advisor... so really everything's set. let it be a good show Lord. Let it be a good show. Let the audience enjoy it. Let great amounts to be raised for my camobodia kids. Let the auditorium be filled so that my dancers will dance with a full capacity of auditorium Lord. These are my prayers. Amen.

2010-03-05T22:58:00.007+08:00

restoring eve.. too much hurts in our lives. too many women brought up not receiving the kind of perfect love from our parents.. being young and not knowing anything we often attribute divorce, family violence, physical assault, verbal abuse, absence of parents, lack of love as our own internal problem.. tt the fault lies with us and tt we are simply not beautiful and lovely enough.. too many woman went thru hurts with men.. men who sin thru violence and through passivity.. who fear failure, who back off when things get too hard and women get too complicated for them... and because of all these. women live in loneliness.. desire for romance, for irreplaceable role in a great adventure, for beauty to unveil starts to wear off.. build up walls, guard our heart, afraid to appear vulnerable, be in control, not willing to trust.. living with what we're comfortable with, settling for guy's passivity.. we too are afraid.. but still desiring for someone to rescue us from these all.. some turn to drugs, alcohols, sex to numb ourselves from all the loneliness.. temporal relief but never solving the root prob.. it's so true.Adam and eve's story alone tells so much. adam standing beside Eve when serpent tempted her yet did not rescue her. was passive.. Eve did not trust God with her heart, tt God's plans were good for her when He asked her not to eat the fruits.. wants to be in control..

as i read. it speaks of me in many ways. arent i also like tt? afraid of getting hurt, take damn long to trust, dont want to appear vulnerable, want to be in control, struggle with what ppl think and say abt me esp ppl who matter, feelings of inadequacy, doubts of my beauty.. so exactly what kind of women did God have in mind? what kind of woman did God make me to be..

Satan was God's guardian angel. He was beautiful but it's the same beauty tt caused his fall. He got jealous of God and He wants ppl to worship him. He wanted to be the attention, the adoration. He fell because of beauty and his heart for revenge is to assault beauty.. He destroys it in the natural world.. Strip mines, oil spills, fires, Chernobyl.. And most especially, he hates Eve. because she is captivating, uniquely glorious and he cannot be. She is incarnation of Beauty of God. He embodies the glory of God.. He brings death. Ritual sacrifices, genocide, Holocaust, abortion.. And Eve is the greatest threat coz she brings forth life, she nurtures life. She is mother of all living things.. The messages of women's wounds are always tt we are not lovely enough.. but how about realizing it's not us. tt we are created to be beautiful but the things tt happen are coz we are a threat to satan because of our beauty and power.. that He'll do anything to make us feel abandoned coz that's women's greatest fear. tt we are abandoned and forgotten.. it's amazing to realize tt... tt we are really THAT BEAUTIFUL in God's eyes..

So why did God curse Eve with loneliness and heartache, an emptiness tt nth can fill.. it seems evil but it is to save us.. so tt when we are so broken, we will turn to Him so tt He can restore us.. and only He can do the job.. only He has to perfect love we desire...

i struggle i really do. with the flesh.. few events add up tgt and i feel depressed. i need to be more stable with my emotions with who i m. fluctuation of angsty, emo, holy, happy.. like carmen says. and heart is so deceiving. which i can never trust.. i need to flee away from temptations, not coz i m fearful.. but coz it makes me emo, distracts me from God it's not doing me any good.. i need someone who will keep me grounded in God coz it means so much to me.. and trusting God. i need to. coz when i dont, i worry i want to be in control of my emotions.. and then i fall even more badly..

Thank you Jesus.. for few things. Gor's good result, breakthru we've both been waiting for.. 3 yrs. finally come. i m so happy and proud of him (: he asked me for my results. and i reassured him by telling him he did better than me so dun worry he surely can go into the course of his choice.. and he replied he dun care he just wants to beat me. coz i win him in psle and o levels. says tt he win me A levels. gonna win my uni gpa so tt we will be on draw. healthy competition. hahaa. childish brother. but i love him. Gor being strong despite everything with mum and dad. I broke down.. but coz he's so strong, it makes me feel strong too.. encouraging and loving frens with me when i m stress over midterms.. thank u zicheng, diana and chuan.. carmen for being my best listening ear even though it's over LJ. my best fren who i can feel comfotable sharing everything to. love u. tolerating neighbours qi and fel... talking to soo and kit.. and going back to TJ seeing familiar faces make me happy. council nominees practising mass dances (: i miss.. talking to the president she rmbs my name when i forgot hers. saw rebecca's bro joel (: Interview with Humairah, as much as my sharings inspire her, it was the kids who inspired me. cambodia.. I miss..

Things will be good. rediscovering and knowing myself once again. May God reveal to me the kind of woman he made me to be.. Glorious, precious and captivating.. Not settling for 2nd best.. but making the best of what I can have. and my God is a God who provides..

2010-03-03T10:27:00.001+08:00

HAHAHA! Retardedly ugly... but dom said it's coz of the loose screw at the top of the head tt resembles me.. 1st gift and note from him to us. i know how difficult it is for u to write a note coz u r an engine student. haha! effort & love la. thank you dom! perfect gift on a hot weather (:

1st bible study with anne yest. The only book in the book store on job is surprisingly not bad.. really quite nice. If not for the bible study sessions claire used to give me weekly wout fail for a good half a year when i couldnt attend church, i dun think i would ever undstd what it means to go an extra mile for a friend and how impt tt extra mile may mean to a person. I still appreciate it very much everytime I think back abt it and of course I hope tt such thoughts, efforts and love could be passed on.. and doing bible study with anne allows me to learn and be blessed so much myself too.. (: Thank you God for such sisterhood. till next week darling!

2 Cor 12: 9
And He said to me, " My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

Grant me discipline Lord, grant me discipline. Amen.

2010-03-02T00:53:00.012+08:00

Carmen.. I love your book..
" what's this book about?"
"about woman.."
"hmmm..."

Every woman in her heart of hearts long for three things: to be romanced, to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure and to unveil beauty..

We long for romance, to be seen and desired, to be sought after and fought for. Although we should not derive the meaning of our existence from whether we are pursued by a man, but it is true that we all want it. To be desired, to be pursued by one who loves us, to be someone's priority..

We love adventure and we want the adventure to be shared, we do not want adventure merely for adventure but for what it requires of us for others. We dont want to be alone in it, we want to be in it with others. We want to know that we are needed that we are irreplaceable

We like to be beautiful. And it's not just the desire for an outward beauty, but more. The desire for beauty is an ageless longing, We desire to possess a beauty that is worth pursuing, worth fighting for, a beauty that is core to who we truly are. We want beauty that can be seen; beauty that can be felt; beauty that can affect others; a beauty all our own to unveil.

And what's wrong with that women? why are we ashame of our desires of wanting to be romanced, to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure and to unveil beauty.. why are we downplaying them. In this age, we are expected to live up to many social expectations of being busy, efficient, professional, independent women. we are getting by. on the inside women we lose ourselves in a fantasy world or in cheap novels, or we give ourselves over to food or some other addictions to numb the ache of our hearts. sometimes the idea of living as a hermit appeals to all of us. No demands, no needs, no pain, no disappointments. But that is because we have been hurt, are worn out. In our heart of hearts, that place we are most ourselves, we dont want to run away for very long. Our heart is still there, crying out to be set free, to find the life our desires tell us of. To be the woman God had in mind when he made Eve.. and when he made us. Glorious, powerful and captivating...

Women don't fear a man's strength if he is a good man. In fact, passivity might make a man "safe" but it has done untold damage to women in the long run.

the few parts I like in the book.. I paraphrased it... but still so beautiful.. reading abnormal psychology and eating disorders.. away with aneroxic, with bulimia, with binging.. i hate to know how these disorders kill ladies, how ladies commit suicide coz of it or why they resort to them in the first place.. I believe deep down every woman is beautiful and these things are never needed to make any woman feel any better about themselves.. whether outwardly or inwardly.. true beauty is within each and every woman and in it lies great strength which would draw ppl unto them.. Women is an image of God's heart and the image tt God had in mind of women is beautiful... Be the women God has created us be. Don't devalue our worth. Dont be ashamed of our heart's desires.. we are BEAUTIFUL!

2010-03-01T02:50:00.016+08:00

simple weekend yet loving it.. morn prayer meeting, talking to anne, dance, laksa steamboat with my usuals in hall, al forno with family, visiting and slacking at gundy's house watching awakening and playing bingo, online service which was super touching, parkway with carmen love, don's 21st party (i m so used to calling him tt rather than eugene) meeting his family making new frens from his church and saboteurs with them, his mum knows me. he acty talks to his mum abt me. who our common frens are and what i m doing. he introduces me as one of his closest fren from outside. and i think abt what i ever do for him or our friendship, nothing. i guess i become skeptical and judgemental whenever i m uncomfortable with things. but i m glad things are better now.. i will put in more effort, i dont want to take things for granted... so all is simple and nice. i m a blessed girl despite all the challenges, facebook says. indeed, focus not on our probs but on our gifts and we'll realize we are acty very blessed and there are many things in life to rejoice and be happy about. ppl ask me if i m okay and i reply yes. coz truth is i m really ok and happy even though i suppose i should be feeling sad.. But only for a day. no more and I am glad no more. I am alright and many things i still am looking forward to (: it's not stopping me from pursuing my dreams, passion and interest. Opening up my eyes, JOY the Lord has given me. Thank you Jesus. Things will get better. Things will get clearer.. glory to glory! books from carmen-- captivating, kingdom come! finally things to read again! i cant get enough! (:

Now I undstd the essence of what it means of time changes how we see things. and what it means tt love is patient.. 10 yrs, 20 yrs, 30 yrs or 80 yrs.. love never fails. time tells things.

2010-02-26T12:42:00.001+08:00

The only video I can find of this song... I hope I get the lyrics correct..

I love because you first loved me
I live because of what you gave
You died to show me how to live
Your mercy taught me to forgive
You came poured yourself so free
Your blood washed away my sins
And now I can live again
I'm more of you and less of me
My first love forever you will be
My first breath you're the life in me
My first JOY the world can never take from me
My covenant with you...
Jesus...
Your love falls down... over me.

2010-02-25T13:10:00.004+08:00

received a very sweet gift from nicholas today :) Like my little brother in Christ.. Thank You nicholas!

"...sweets that will make you smile when u're sad, that will share your joy when u're happy, that will give you strength when you're tired, that will brighten up your day when it's dark, that will show you with the deepest love other than the love of Jesus..." :)

It's really nice to say a simple Thank You to someone or to hear it from someone.. to let ppl know that they are being appreciated or to know tt u're being appreciated.. to tell someone u love them or to know tt u're being loved. The words "I Love You", it's never too awkward to say it to someone who you've really loved.. and never too selfish to let ppl know tt you love them.. I never believed that the words "I Love You" is only meant for lovers. but to a fren, a family member, a sister or brother in Christ, someone who has touched your life, it's never too selfish to let them know how much you love and appreciate them..

Love. It all begins with God. We love becaused He first loved us.
And I am praying for a bigger heart to love.. coz i m often constrained by my own feelings, my own comfort zone... praying for a heart tt love people like Jesus loves the world..

2010-02-22T21:44:00.002+08:00

today was suppose to be a study day.. but i ended up with bad cramps, spending my whole day in bed, missed tutorial, dint eat the whole day, puked alot of water and feeling damn sick.. but felt damn loved. thank you qi for driving me down to doc and ended up being late for sim, fel for da baoing food for me and giving me hot water though i dint know and drank the water which was since last week and felt even more sick after tt, and the two of u for accompanying me down to doc.. cher for pink panadols, shun for biscuits, suejean for hot drink and mash potato though i only ate one mouth. liying for hot bottle. and germ for plastic bags and stroking my back.. truly A4 love to the max.. my cramps have always been very bad. i think maybe i really should go down for a checkout one day. and also do more exercise coz it really helps.

study day which became a rest day for me. been stress. it's good to be sick once in a while. qi was saying it's been a long time since i m sick. life seems simple and good when dun have to worry abt things and just nua on bed coz too sick to do anything.. and just bask in the love of frens. told liying i felt like princess.. haha! and it's amazing. God is amazing.. Hong Kong, Taiwan.. He spoke so clearly to me during prayer meeting this morning.. and waikit for sudden sms.. tt i should go to unconventional countries coz not many ppl have the gift to interact with ppl and i have it and it would be a good opp coz i wont have a chance when i start working.. thank you so much. it's like double reassurance after God has spoken to me..

so yes. hong kong, taiwan. i m going to max out my choices on these 2 countries. 5 choices just nice..
-University of Hong Kong
-National Chiao Tung University
-Chinese University of Hong Kong
-National Cheng Kung University
-National Taiwan University

visit churches there, and going to my fav japan and korea to travel after tt.. God was silent last sem. i was upset when i dint get my sep.. but i know it's all for a reason.. but this time, choosing unconventional countries, maybe having to take my courses in chinese. totally different from my western choices last sem, UK & US.. but i know i will love it and enjoy myself very much over there, be it hong kong or taiwan.. coz i know this sem God is really with me in this application.. but whether anot i get it in the end, i trust God's hands to be in it. coz He would only know the best and give me the best!

2010-02-21T15:27:00.001+08:00

" Do not be anxious about anything but in everything by prayer and petition present your request to God"

I am so anxious. so many things happening..

SEP application starting again.. i have a whole list of uni to choose from.. conventional countries which i want to go or non conventional countries which will increase my chances of going?? i dunnno which to choose and how to rank and i only got 5 choices!! and the application process is quite tedious and time consuming!

Study week was hardly a good break for me to study! i only studied for 1 freaking abnormal module.. my chem, my health, my adolescence. i dint even start and i dint even touch my term papers too!!

Dance productions coming up and a whole list of cultural activities i need to oversee!! all are coming at once! i m so stress as a cultural affair director!! and PAB too is killing me..

and taking 5 heavy mods is really not helpingggg! i really am feeling sorry tt i have not been spending as much time with my frens and family.. but i need to get past this sem so badly! oh God please help me!!

but on a sidenote, carmen's 21st party was so lovely, scarlet hotel so pretty, seeing so many old frens and meeting new frens make me feel so blessed... many lives u've touched carmen! and thank God i get to see evadne one last time before she flies, wanted to meet her so badly but couldnt dig out time. thank God for carmen's party. and this morning, i finally managed to get up and see maricel! even though i was half awake. it's her off day and she came over to take my neighbour's maid out to celebrate her bday. so sweet of her. and for her phone call tt day too when i was in the lib. her effort to keep in touch makes me feel so touched all the time. i miss her so much. my bestest maid ever.. :) and prayer meeting next week. i always love prayer meeting even though i have to wake up so early and travel such long distances. but spending quality time with God makes it all worth it.. and babysitting tao tao, seeing him laugh never fails to make me laugh too!

Lord, thank you for simple joy despite the overwhelming amount of work and stress. please please please see me thru father, amen!

2010-02-18T23:20:00.005+08:00

ok tried to do a video and failed..
one day i promise i will go for some video editing workshop..
but now i must get this entry up before 12am!

happy 21st bday my darling carmen..
i know u have been afraid of this day. but oddly i m feeling so excited!
All that the lyrics of the song sings of is what i want to say to you..

Not a coincidence tt we ended up in 3a and 4a tgt, tt we are register 19 & 20, sitting beside each other in auditorium, enjoy tickling each other hands, james and jessie (i forgot how tt came about), keeping in touch even after sec sch, tt u 1st brought me to lighthouse when i accepted christ, introduced to me ur cell and bible studies, coming to my church camp, went thru alot individually, coming back tgt both stronger in christ, soul mate, accountability partners, all the stayovers, sharings, journals, sms-es, phonecalls and outings tgt..

Thank you for being a such a great great blessing in my life. Thank you for being my vomit partner. For being a great sister who i can feel so comfortable sharing everything with. For adding so much colour into my life. For being there for me during my dark moments and being an image of God's love for me. For your family who is always so hospitable towards me, for showing me what it all means to be part of a christian family and how i want to grow my family next time. For always being honest with me. For your comfort and encouragement. For being a precious fren i thank God for in all ways..

godmother of each other's children, tickle each other when we're old in the congregation of church. u've matured so much over the years.. i want you to know u r a great and beautiful girl to me in all ways. so if u ever feel lousy rmb not to. one day, u'll find the right man of ur life. and u will become a great doctor saving and impacting lots of lives.

21 years old is just a phase in ur life.. As the years go by, may God continue to bless u abundantly and may you continue to stay true and happy, the way you always are to me. and no matter what happens in life, rmb i love you very much and will always be here for you! have a great day today ok! pretty girl deserves all the love u can get (:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY DEAR!! <33

2010-02-17T02:19:00.002+08:00

oh so pretty claire lim! (: post it coz u think u look so pretty when i think i look so hideous. hahaa! love u miss u loads!

and carmen TRIED to send TRY to me and failed coz she suddenly got dc...
we shall TRY to send TRY again next time ok...
so cool we are both playing the same song on repeat! (:
with no former introduction to each other! telepathy! hahaa!
bday girl bday girl dun be stress over party if not tummy will grow bigger.. haha!
be chill and enjoy ur big big day!!
i really love TRY!

study study study xiu u gotta TRY!

2010-02-15T17:44:00.001+08:00

If i walk, would you run?
If i stop, would you come?
If i say you're the one, would you believe me?
If i ask you to stay, would you show me the way?
Tell me what to say so you don't leave me.
The world is catching up to you
While you're running away to chase your dream
It's time for us to make a move cause we are asking one another to change
And maybe i'm not ready

Chorus
But I'll try for your love
I can hide up above
I will try for your love
We've been hiding enough

If i sing you a song, would you sing along?
Or wait till i'm gone, oh how we push and pull
If i give you my heart would you just play the part
Or tell me it's the start of something beautiful.
Am i catching up to you?
While your running away to chase your dreams
It's time for us to face the truth cause we are coming to each other to change
And maybe i'm not ready

Chorus
But I'll try for your love
I can hide up above
I will try for your love
We've been hiding enough

I will try for your love
I can hide up above

If i walk would you run
If i stop would you come
If i say you're the one would you believe me

:) so lovely.. so romantic.. i love it..

CNY is filled with love with family, relatives, nephews and nieces!
babies & toddlers work miracles.. bring so much joy..
i marvel at life.
ah ma & ah po, both old and weak.. 97 yrs old... age and health probs are catching up with them.. i dread the thought of their death.. but so much fren's great grandparents or grandparents are passing away.. i know it's sth i cant avoid in time to come.. and it's not sth very far away, though i dread it, dont want to think abt it and hope to avoid it.. tt's why i give thank to God for ah ma, ah po, gong gong, po po everytime i see them, tt they are alive.. to live is really a precious gift.
on the other hand, new born babies, emptied of all the troubles of the world. just eat, shit, sleep, play, laugh & cry whole day long.. thru them i see the start of a new life, i see hope and dreams..
and when 2 combination meets, it amazes me. coz ah ma & ah po in their weak selves would smile at ye tao and he would look at them in amusement, perhaps without any recall next time of ah ma or ah po.. all tt exist would just be photos, which i hope to show him the next time he grows up.. like how i only have vague impression of ah gong thru photos.. since he passed away when i was really young. i only can rmb him on bed or smoking everytime i see him and the very elaborated taoism funeral which lasted for days, which we all have to kneel and get up many times, with priest chanting non stop and throwing sweets at us.. but i do hope yetao will at least have impression of gong gong and po po, who are still healthy and i hope can live many more years..
All of us come from God and ultimately return to Him. life is a full circle. i came to earth as a baby, and one day i would die (and blessed if i get to live till very old) and return back to God.. Nothing in life is certain. that's why life is a gift and everyday on earth should be treasured and live as if it's the last day..
just some random thoughts from the past few days.. perhaps after seeing and playing with too much babies..
i wonder how it was like when i was born.. i must haven been a joy to my family too. now i understand why certain things tt involve my parents hurt so much, it's coz of love and the fear of losing.. more for them than for me. coz they have known me since i was born and brought me thru so much. but i have infantile amnesia and i only knew them when i began to have conscious recollection..
and definitely it wont be easy for them to accept certain changes.. they say as we grow older, parent-child rs becomes more like frens.. and this would be a change we definitely have to go thru, no matter how difficult it might be.. no one can escape the cycle of life.. like chuan tells me, be positive! (:
family love. i love my family. thank you Lord for them..

2010-02-13T02:31:00.009+08:00

so much reflections...
Temasekians truly taught me the spirit of humility and sportsmanship thru this whole course of IHG...
seniors, peers and juniors alike..
I cant say i m not irritated with the childish act of Eusoffians, shouting so loud at 3am "we are the champions, no time for TH" over and over again, drunk man coming to our hall and their ppl have to send em back, congratulating us for getting 2nd and all, and running away when the RFs come and the RF has to come apologize to us personally...thankfully no naked men running around our hall this year..
i m okay with the loss coz i know we did our best. i saw Temasekians giving our all.. but their act is really so childish i really cannot feel any respect for their gold.. it's a reminder to us not to do such things when we win next time. coz there's really no need to do so.

i felt it was unfair when other halls want to penalize us for Takraw match tt was over and when the gold we got was a clear win. The convening comm should have checked the IVP cap when we registered our players and pointed out all these before the match and not after.. and somemore the IVP cap is clearly to our disadvantage, with 1 less ivp in the 3rd group, line up of 1-2-0 when the rest of the hall have line up of IVP as 1-2-1. they said we should have put the combi as 1-1-1 since we only have 3 ivp. it wasnt coz we dun have enough ivp players.. it was just tt our non ivp players were better than the ivp ones. if they want it we could have easily put 1 more ivp name in.. but he just wont be playing la. it was an adminstrative mistake coz thiam aik dun see a point, obviously. and it should be sth the convening comm who registered the player before the match should have pointed out. and the thing was tt we dint even use the 3rd group to win the game, so doesnt affect at all.. 2 points for tt stupid mistake.. but i knew byron tried his best, but the rest of the hall were taking advantage of the situation.. and he said we did commit a mistake, though an ambiguous one, and so we shall accept the punishment.. i still feel it's unfair and lame, but we accepted.. and byron still urged us to continue fighting..

then swimming. as a swimming captain, i still have my regrets.. i know i could have done better. i know i have not been firm enough.. i know the DQ mistake could have been easily prevented if they have practised tgt more.. i know i could have stress the importance of not DQ-ing more. kar said this yr, there was no emphasis on tt. and i know.. i was sad to see KR and EH take the trophies coz i know it should have been ours if not for the DQ.. it was a clear win.. 3 points for tt.. i was apprehensive abt being captain again next yr, so much pressure so much stress.. but if no one would step up, i guess now i wont mind. i really want to make up for my mistake. i really believe i can do better than what i did this yr..

then soccer girls, the goal tt was clearly ours.. ball tt crossed the line and the eusoff girl went in to kick the ball out.. it was obvious from the video and they knew it too. they sat down on the ground and looked sad when they kicked the ball out and then stood up and protest when the rest of the girls who dint see properly protested.. but referee has the final say. and we cant rebute him, so we accept it though i still feel quite unfair abt it.. esp when qi is involved and i know how affected she is by it, feeling what she feel. abt not being able to deliver the gold as captains. of not being to keep the 5 consecutive yrs of gold..

then dom chiam, who wasnt able to run coz of his jerryco incident, which is stupidly funny.. and so much injuries along the way.. zr fractured his fingers, muthu fractured his arm during touch and hospital came to send him away, germ and muthu collided which sent germ to hospital for 20 stitiches and loss of memory like dom.. these are only those more major ones. i believe there's more..

then track the last event of IHG before the closing.. weiyang collapsing halfway when he ran.. it was so scary.. i know ppl who died while exerting too much strength in sports.. we were all scared, but thankfully he was alright.. managed to pick himself up and complete the race.. though we came in last from 1st.

then i feel so unfair tt we temasek took up the mistake for the takraw match then when eusoff's mistake for squash.. using sunig players for their line up, obviously a more obvious mistake than ours, did not get penalized..

we lost our crown for 3 yrs alrdy.. this yr we wanted to win it back so badly. but still we lost. it was a bad yr for us and these incidents are clearly not within our control or means.. we tried our best to fight for fair judgements.. but certain things just do not happen the way we want it to. and it's useless to keep fighting on sometimes though we all feel it's unfair. certain things it's better to let it rest and continue the fight. i like byron. i think he makes such a good sports director. he never gave up though he had so much issues to handle. he continued to believe in TH, continue to urge us to play the remaining matches well, believing tt we are still able to win, up till the last min. even when weiyang collapsed at the track, he said to me, why so sad. anything can happen, we can collapse this time, eusoff may collapse too or get DQ. anything can happen. i wont say it's over till it's really over.. and i know there is only one medley left.. for believing and keeping the faith, he earned my respect.. i feel sometimes i m not brave enough like him to stand up for what is right and keep on believing.. takes so much courage, it really does..

seeing wanyun and weiliat's IHG notes, ppl's wall post on facebook.. i feel so much for Temasek.. i m inspired when i read what they have learnt this IHG.. the journey is really so much more impt.. the real purpose behind IHG.. i m happy to see juniors i knew who were apathetic abt hall say things like "i m really glad i made the decision to be in TH and not in EH". i know this IHG has definitely made a difference.. build up hall spirit, which was Jcrc's goal.. IHG one being to use sports to bond Temasekians tgt.. and mine to use culture to bond Temasekians tgt. i dunno how i've done so far.. but i will keep doing my best and not give up, just like byron has done.. my job is only truly over when i have passed on to the next batch..

i truly undstd what master always said to us.. Temasekians, it's okay if we do not win, but we must have spirit of a champion.. he scold us for rag coz we all know we dint give our best, we did not put on a fight.. but this yr would be different. we're coming back. and plans are made right after rag ended last yr.. just like IHG, we are going to put up a fierce fight for rag this yr.. go temasek! and even though we did not win IHG again this yr, in all ways, these ppl are champions in my eyes, heros i respect. and they inspire me. i know i can do more sports acty. i just dun dare to step out of my comfort zone, dun dare to try.. next yr, i will try more sports. i know i really can do more.. i really hope to see TH win at least once before i leave hall. i know all graduating would want to see us win when they come back too.. and my 3 months holiday, even with attachment, with cosi, with the inconvenience of regularisation in TH, i will do my best to come back and help out for rag... i really hope we win this yr..

hall teaches me so much, let me find back so much things i have lost. i m grateful.. and i know God is with us this IHG. i feel blessed when julie said to me how God see ulrica and her thru floorball-- miracle goals, what God taught her thru the unfortunate event of soccer, anne and heon prayers for road relay which eventually got 1st even though so many ppl pulled out last min and out of the 6, a few runners was being pulled in last min wout training with e team before.. God is still good. and the frustration i feel throughout this IHG.. I thank God He was with me.. when i feel so unjust and critical of the ppl who did us wrong, who are unfair and wout sportsmanship, irritated with the mistakes i made and helpless for the things not within my control.. he reminded me to love and He reminded me He is in control.. that God, he has a sth for me to learn this IHG... and i believe many more things He has in stored for me in hall..

" I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." -2 Tim 4:7
This was the message i wrote to byron after PAB, when i felt he was so discouraged.. it should be a reminder to myself too.. keep fighting the good fight, and it's never the end till it's really the end.

i m glad to be home. i m happy to have a good lunch and dinner with my hall frens. japanese food the whole day. arts canteen and vivo.. n i m happy i get to spend cny with my family! Thank you Jesus! Go Temasek! I am proud to be a Temaskian! (:

2010-02-12T01:14:00.001+08:00

The Right Man

First, we must allow our Heavenly Father to do the picking. And second, the decision for a mate must be made on a spiritual and intellectual basis before it's made on an emotional one. "What about love? Shouldn't that be the third? you ask. No, and I'll tell you why. "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? (Jer. 17:9). The heart is willful and is driven by its own agenda. It does not consider things rationally and intelligently - it just loves to love!

Therefore you have to point it in the right directions: " Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life" (Prov.4:23). Whenever you meet a man, you need to get clearance from God, check out his attributes, and then allow your heart to engage.

Dating exists not for mating; it exists for collecting data. I believe that the biblical design would be friendship, courtship and then marriage. Friendship is two people walking together in agreement and accountability, learning and growing together. Courtship follows the mutual agreement to commit to one another exclusively - it is the decisive turning toward the agreed-upon goal of the marriage altar. It is a period of laying a foundation and preparing your life together after marriage.

But dating?

Well, if you do date, use the time wisely to gather facts: Check out the fabric. Is the person mate material? Does this man have an intimate relationship with the Father through Jesus Christ? Does he care what God thinks about his behavior? Is he accountable to God as well as another co-laborer in the faith? Accountability is an important factor. It is imperative to maintaining a committed relationship. Is your potential spouse a member of the same family - the family of God? Scripture is clear on this: "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?" (2 Cor 6:14). You need to have common interests and values and agree on the essentials of living day to day. You have a similar spiritual walk. You eat the same spiritual diet. You enjoy a lot of similar things. You have like interests, like goals in life, like opinions on basic life issues. You have had like experiences in your background. Though there is some truth to the idiom that opposites attract, like-minded folks fare better together. Furthermore, does he want to get married? If you want to be married and your dreamboat isn't interested, don't waste your time. Remember, women fall in love and get married. Men decide to get married and then look for a wife. Note the difference in order. So if a guy says he's not looking for anything serious, take his words seriously. If he's not going in your direction, get off the bus & wait for the right one.

2. Does this man want you? Is he pursuing you? The man who is right for
you will pursue you, and God's hand in the relationship will be clear. No
guessing, no fleeces, no dead ends. Scripture says: "He who finds a wife
finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord" (Prov. 18:22). Note -
who finds whom? THE MAN FINDS THE WIFE.

From the beginning of time, God has transported men & women across the
world in order to put them together. At the RIGHT TIME, He will bring that
man on the scene and he will find you. In God's perfect design, the man is
the one who recognizes his mate

Adam has no problem recognizing that Eve was his missing rib. You do not
need to strategically place yourself anywhere. You don't have to help a guy
out because he's shy! Men will do whatever they have to do to get what they
truly want. The man in your life should recognize you as the pearl of great
price in his life and be willing to do whatever he must in order to gain
your hand. If he is passive about gaining your affections, take it as a
sign that he is not interested.

Many a woman's mother has suggested that it is a good idea to marry a man
who loves you more than you love him. As cold as that sounds, it actually
might be scriptural if you stop to think about it: "We love him because he
first loved us" (1 Jn 4:19). Until then, take the ultimate chill pill. You
don't need a bunch of men in your life to make you feel all right about
yourself. You need only one man your man, the one God has selected to
select you. And trust me, the right man at the wrong time can be just as
awful as the wrong man at any time. So trust God's timing in this. He is
the ultimate matchmaker. Relax, sit pretty and allow yourself to be found!

Again - WAIT until the man voices his intentions. He should take the lead
in establishing the relationship. You may have an inkling that he is the
one, but God will use the man to set the tone of the relationship. Allow
him the opportunity to woo you - this is your first act of submission.
Jesus set the standard for all men to follow. They should love us first .
And they should lead the relationship.

3. The man in your life should not desire to move into your house, only
into your heart. A man who prepares for your future has made his intentions
clear. A man who is husband material has the means to take care of a wife.
He is a responsible human being who understands he needs to have something
to offer. In short, a man should have the means to be a suitable lover for
you.

4. Check out his buddies. Everyone knows birds of the same feather flock
together, yet most women fail to see the connection between a man and his
friends. A man's pals tell you a lot about the person that you haven't seen
yet. They reveal things about the guy's character that might be hidden when
he is on good behavior. Everyone knows how to put his best foot forward.
Don't stay focused on the foot, check out the rest of the body!

5. Check out his relationship with his mother. How does he treat her? This
is your preview of how he will treat you. There are lots of men who,
because of a negative relationship with their mothers, really don't like
women, yet say they do. Unresolved issues between mother and son continue
between husband and wife.

6. Remember that a man's family reveals the cloth from which he's cut.
Take note and decide whether you want your future with the man in your life
to look like his present family situation.

7. Check out the patterns of his life. Do you see repeated cycles of drama
in his personal kingdom? broken relationships? problems in making
commitments? including the job market? mood swings? Is a problem always
someone else's fault? Does he embrace responsibility or shirk it? Does he
keep his promises? Is he a man of good reputation? Remember all garments
look wonderful hanging in the store, but with wear, some begin to unravel.
Give yourself time and space to check out the man in your life. Time will
always reveal whether or not he is made of the right stuff.

8. Does this man have a vision for his life? Is he running with that
vision? Remember, God decided Adam needed help once Adam got busy DOING his assignment. As we saw Adam, a man doesn't need help until he is busy doing
what he was created and called to do. Is the man in your life guided by
sense of destiny and purpose, or does he just allow life to happen around
him? A man who is not certain of his mission can be a most miserable person
- and you'll be miserable too if you know where YOU want to go in life. A
man who has vision is not intimidated by a woman whose mission statement is
clear. He will be your best ally, cheerleader and assistant because he
wants you both to make it! A man who cannot be supportive of your
achievements because he is floundering in a sea of uncertainty over his own
life is not a healthy partner to have and to hold forever. Creating
dependencies or feelings of obligation is not the way to get the best out
of your man. Somewhere along the way, he will resent you and flee from the
smothering burden of obligation he associates you with. You want a man who
is firmly anchored in his identity in Christ.

Remember, we are looking for a man who will be priest and leader of his home. His first instinct should be to want to cover you, redeem you, and provide for you. Your job is to decide if this is the man God has ordained for you to complement.

9. Complementary. Do your talents and gifts complement his? Do his gifts
complement yours? What about your temperaments? Do you see the two of you
as an effective team capable of bringing blessing to the lives of those
around you? Do your futures mesh? Can you coordinate your gifts in an
attractive and effective way? This is why knowing your purpose is so
important. Make sure your hearts beat for mutual causes. When I go shopping
I always consider the fabric, the fit and what I already have in my closet.
Will my next purchase be a complementary addition to what I already have?

If I find that I am going to have to buy shoes and matching accessories to
go with a new outfit, I leave it right on the rack. It is too expensive a
proposition.

If the man you meet makes you feel that you need to completely reinvent
yourself, something is wrong. This is where I ask you to consider the
relationship in terms of cost. Is this relationship expensive spiritually?
emotional or physically? Does your longing for a mate make you willing to
forfeit who you are in the process? Or does he see you as the gift that you
are?

The man in your life should consider you a rare find, a priceless
jewel-because of you he is getting ready to get blessed big-time!

Any relationship that causes you to feel unworthy, unlovely, unacceptable,
undesirable or that you have to work for love, is too expensive! God has
called the man to cover, protect and provide not only materially for a
woman, but emotionally and spiritually as well. You should be richer in
mind, body and spirit for your union with the man of your dreams. The man
in your life should make rich deposits into your heart and spirit, not
withdrawals.

10. Does he have a healthy love & acceptance of himself? Make sure the
man in your life has taken time to heal from past relationships and has
made peace with himself. How he cares for himself is how he will care for
you. A man's relationship with God is crucial here. His love for himself
will only be as strong as his love for God. This is not something that you
can impart. You cannot be his savior or teacher. That is out of spiritual
order.

In his rightful place as your personal priest, he should be leading you to
a richer relationship with Christ. If he is causing you to compromise your
Faith and destabilize your walk, if he is leading you into sexual sin or
Causing you to be distracted from your commitment to Christ, the
Relationship is too expensive. Offending the Lover of your soul, who
Promises you eternal love, is too high a fare to pay for a ride that has a
Limited run.

If you and your man can't soar in the Spirit, when the force
of your love for another is tested by the pull of gravity of the world,
Your union will not be able to survive.

So you decide.

How much is your life worth? How much is your love worth?
You will be able to accept only what you believe you deserve.

God himself calculated the worth of your love and decided it was worth His life.

He now pledges you His love for eternity. Yes, Jesus sets the example for all others to follow when He paid
a ransom for His bride. Should you expect less from a mortal man?
Throughout the Biblical age, men were willing to pay the cost for the hand
that they desired. The truth of the matter is, everyone knows that anything
worth having, costs. And no one gets a ride in this life for free.

Our prayer:

Dear Heavenly Father,
I confess that I have not always been as careful as I should've been with
my heart. From time to time, my desire for love has caused me to leave my
heart in the wrong hands. I now commit my heart into Your hands for
safekeeping. Please help me to stop being so impulsive with what You deem
so precious. As I learn to celebrate Your love for me, let me learn from
Your example what a bridegroom should really be like. Help me to never
settle for less than what You desire for me. As I embrace You as the Lover
of my soul, keep my affections in the haven of Your own heart. As I rest in
Your love, make me more discriminating of those who approach me. I ask that
You take over this area of my life. Keep me from those You know would hurt
my heart. I invite You to set a hedge around me and keep me from all who
would draw me into unfruitful relationships until the day you present me to
the mate that You have selected for me. Grant me the discernment to
recognize him as he recognizes me. Cleanse me from the temptation to
typecast the men I meet according to what I see. Help me to trust in Your
knowledge and lean not on my own understanding. I know that You know what
is best for me; therefore I yield to Your choice.

-Author undisclosed

i love this msg though i have read it so many times.. thank you claire for sending it back to me during this vday.. i often forget how much i m worth, often waver n want to settle for sth less than what i m looking for, often forget to trust God that He truly would give me the best coz i m a jewel in His eyes, often forget to be patient.. thank you God tt this vday i get to spend with family who makes me feel equally loved.. (: like claire says, let's take our time to find the perfect man. i believe there would be a man out there for me, selected by God and i would be sure. i love you and miss u so much dearie even though u're miles n miles away! happy vday, cny and recess week to all! <3 have a good break!

2010-02-10T00:03:00.004+08:00

who needs drama when i have a fren like dom..
came over to talk to me..
then we watched IHG video in my room, laughed at him...
then he suddenly tried WWF stun jerryco on karann in my room..
his legs was intertwined with karann's one and both his hands were holding his legs..
he dared karann to flip over..
karann flipped over and he needed to stretch his legs..
then when he did, dom fell from corner of my bed and his head hit real hard against the ground..
and then he had a loss of memory..
kept repeating questions to us..
cant rmb his road relay the next day and who is in his team..
went to sandra's bday which he has no impression at all..
and then in the end went to hospital..
even over sms he would repeat questions to me..
it was damn funny..
next day we visit him, he cant rmb a thing tt happened tt day..
he's so out of place compared to patients around him who are really sick..
for a damn cock reason he landed in hospital..
big news of TH..
hhhaha! and no idea how the story evolved to him hitting a brick wall..
and he's damn funny. still kept challenging karann to continue the fight even when he's in the hospital..
ask me to change ward for him coz the nurse not very chio..
refusing to eat the hospital food.. and when nurse asked him if he has no appetite he kept quiet and when the nurse asked if the food is not nice, he nodded his head violently..
troublesome patient..
and kept insisiting he's the world CHIAM-pion wrestler (chiam is his surname)..
and say tt he was discussing martial arts with his cousin and karann was in best position for him to try the moves..
and karann so sweet. type out a whole list of events of the day for him.. 10/10 for the fall and 10/10 for stupidity too..
captain of the team yet cant run for road relay, when he's been training so hard the whole hol and controlling his diet..
he's really quite funny.. even now he still cant rmb.. say anything to him and u can smoke him..
so much happened to him recently.. cant imagine anything bad happening to him.. but thank God he's alright.. he's really the joy of our lives.. (:

bio test over i m glad.. and sunday reunion dinner with family at xiyan was a blessed event.. liz is really very very nice to me.. giving us free dishes.. giving us discounts.. refusing to receive tips from my dad.. asked my dad to give her me instead.. and giving me angbao.. her 1st ang bao.. and saying compliments of me to my parents.. really so hospitable and i think my family all quite pleased.. so yea feel happy (: and tao is sprouting teeth so keep biting his hands and salivating all over.. but as usual joy of our lives..

cny in a few more days then reading week.. super short break but hope i use it wisely to catch up on my work.. go go xiu! stayover at mich's room tonight! (: since super long.. finally PAB and productions over.. IHG gonna end soon.. whether anot TH win this year, it has been a year of great memory for me and i believe many Temasekians too.. great fight despite the many difficulties.. Takraw, swimming, soccer girls, dom.. whatever the results, we did our best.. so no regrets.. TH some call it a hostel, we call it home, respecTH! (:

2010-02-07T12:26:00.002+08:00

2 sms-es in a night...
one leaving me in deep thoughts, the other releasing me of the burden i have been carrying for years..
God has a time for reconciliation of all rs.. and he'll arranged the place, event and timing..
I've learnt tt when I receive God's forgiveness and releases it over my life, I release ppl from holding on to the guilt which they feel towards me too.. just like how we can pass love on, we can pass forgiveness on too.. (:
I am glad n relieve. sth which affected and scarred me of my future rs for so long. now i can fully put it down completely.. no more shame or doubt abt myself, no more awkwardness, no more escaping.. and it's all coz of Jesus.. i look forward to a new friendship, if God would provide the opportunity for us to do so.. it's so good to see him happy, i dint even feel awkward or upset at all. just really happy to see him happy with the girl he likes now.. and wish him well from the bottom of my heart..

and another sms taught me it's not just doing anything which i think will make me happy. but it's doing things under the will of God. and putting God 1st in my life.. my heart waver but I should not. I have 2 keys to my heart. But for now, I have kept one key in a safe, locked it up and passed the keys and safe to God. And now, God has the only key to my heart.. One day, when the time has come, he'll open the safe for me, for me to retrieve the other key so tt I may hold the 2 keys in my hands again. One would be still be given to God and the other, I'll hand it over to the right man.. Trust God He'll arrange the place, event and timing, and I wont be able to miss it.

Sermon was lovely. God living in us.. We're living in a new testament covenant, not the old one. and there's no more need to do things to please God, afraid we wont please Him and hoping He'll be nearer to us. He's alrdy in us.. and the greatest victory is waking up daily in this knowing.. and God directs us only when we're in motion.. He directs our steps, not our intention.. lovely lovely sermon.

reunion dinner tonight at xiyan. liz has been the nicest manager to me ever. more than a manager, a fren. giving me discounts and offering to change desert specially for me.. really sweet and thoughtful of her (: cant wait to introduce her to my family.. okay, i need to study. an aspect i really need motion in, and not just intention.. goodbye!

2010-02-05T00:39:00.003+08:00

for bringing me out of hall for a totally random outing up on random buses, down on a random stops exploring random places.. dun have to plan, just go as our heart tells us.. thank you chuan.. it opened up my perspective, it cheered me up alot.. (:
and qi too for the sms and msg on my door.. (: dun worry ok we'll find time to spend tgt after this busy period..
dun be so harsh on myself. dun have to care so much abt what others think. it doesnt help. stay positive. it's okay to share. enjoy life. life is good. Lord, give me joy, great great joy..